"I just have one question for you, Amanda. What were you thinking?" Captain Olivia Benson sat behind her desk and glared at her subordinate. She was mostly able to keep the anger and frustration she was feeling from creeping into her voice. However, she couldn't completely keep it off of her face.

Amanda glared right back at her captain to let her know she wasn't intimidated. She had been working a case and she had done what she felt was necessary to close it. "I was thinking that I wanted Dr. Adler and his followers to buy in to the fact that I was there to learn from him. If I had refused to take the pipe what would have happened? Besides, I'm not the problem here; you busted in too early."

Olivia couldn't believe that Amanda was not only defending herself, but she was also criticizing how the case was handled by her commanding officer. "Amanda, the fact that you think I intervened too early is neither here nor there; I am in charge of this unit and that is my decision to make. Incidentally, we entered the house when we lost visual because you took off your glasses. Care to tell me why you obscured our view of what happened when you were being offered drugs?"

Amanda would have to put some thought into an answer that would stand up to Olivia's scrutiny and not get her into more trouble. Olivia had started being critical of her as soon as she found out how personally invested Amanda was in Dr. Adler's case and she had not let up since. Amanda didn't have any illusions about what Olivia already knew; She passionately believed that her mentor knew what her intentions and motivations were as far as Dr. Adler, and almost everything else, was concerned. Amanda had often thought that it was as if Olivia could see the inner workings of her brain. There were times when she really hated that Olivia could analyze her so well, but they had been working together for years and Olivia was a former detective, after all.

Amanda decided to skirt around Olivia's question and, instead of answering it, declared, "I told you I didn't inhale!"

"That's not what I asked you, Amanda. But, since you want to bring it up, we both know that you did."

"No, I didn't! Why do you always think you know more about me than I do?"

"Amanda," Olivia narrowed her eyes as she spoke. "I am only going to tell you this one time, so you need to listen closely. You'd better check your attitude because you're already in enough trouble. Trust me."

Amanda looked away from Olivia and studied the floor as she thought. She knew that her mentor was not bluffing and that there would be dire consequences if she continued being disrespectful, so she tried to calm herself down before turning her attention back to their conversation. "Copy that, Captain."

Amanda's anxious voice let Olivia know that she had gotten her message across to her subordinate, so she continued the discussion. "I know that you inhaled because I'm trained to see the signs of intoxication," Olivia explained simply. "When we entered the residence, your pupils were dilated, and your eyes were glassy. I knew immediately there was something off about you, Amanda, but my suspicions were confirmed when I saw the way you looked at that damned bird they had hanging from the ceiling." Olivia paused to watch Amanda's reaction. "Do you understand how dangerous that drug can be?"

Amanda didn't respond to her mentor's question; instead, she just shrugged.

Olivia stood from her place behind her desk and made her way around it until she was directly in front of Amanda. After sitting on the edge of the desk, Olivia took Amanda's chin in her hand and tilted her head back until they were looking each other in the eye. Then, when she knew she had Amanda's undivided attention, she began her reprimand. "You know that I expect an answer when I ask you a question, and I expect you to look at me when I am speaking to you." She let go of Amanda's chin but stayed in her new position. "Now, do you understand how dangerous DMT is? You saw what it did to our victims and you still chose to smoke it?"

"I guess I wasn't thinking about it being dangerous. I mean, Dr. Adler says-

"Please don't regurgitate anything you've heard that doctor say. Spare me, okay? He doesn't know what he is talking about, Amanda."

"Yes, he does, Liv. When I was listening to his lectures back in Atlanta, he made some very valid points."

"Valid points like what, exactly?" Olivia waited for Amanda to provide an answer, but one never came. "That depression is made up? That you can 'cure' mental illness by smoking hallucinogenic drugs?"

"I just…I don't know. He just made a lot of sense to me when I was young and struggling. I don't expect you to relate."

"To relate to what?"

"What it's like to be me. What it's like to live in my head."

Olivia's expression showed her confusion. "Amanda, I'm sorry…I don't understand."

"I was diagnosed with depression when I was nineteen. I took anti-depressants for six months during my freshman year of college. They didn't work; I just gained weight and slept all the time. Then, I listened to one of his lectures and it was like everything just clicked for me."

"Amanda, this man is a dogmatist not a doctor. He puts the field of psychiatry back several decades with his 'magic' cures and crazy theories. It's a disservice to anyone with a mental illness."

"Like I said, you'll never understand."

"You're right. I will never understand why someone who is as intelligent and capable as you insists on putting herself down the way you do. Like I said earlier, I know you have a thing for men you believe are smarter than you, and I know you think that's true of Adler, but he's not." Olivia reached out, took Amanda's hand in her own, and offered a reassuring squeeze. "And, by the way, depression and mental illness are nothing to be ashamed of. I'm always here if you need to talk."

"See, that's why I never told you!" Amanda shouted, jumped up from her seat, and started for the door. "I knew you would look at me differently!"

Olivia made it up just in time to stop Amanda from bolting out of her office and grabbed her by the arm. "Amanda, come sit back down and let's talk. Okay?"

"No!"

A quick peek through the blinds on the door told Olivia that everyone else had left for the night. Still firmly holding onto Amanda's arm, she delivered three hard swats to her rear before pointing back to the chair she had previously occupied and saying, "Sit. Now!"

Amanda begrudgingly followed her captain's directives. Her pride was hurt a lot worse than her backside but, knowing her captain, it wouldn't stay that way long.

"You know that I feel it is our duty to be advocates for the mentally ill. If you were anyone else sitting in that chair, I would have said the same thing, and I would expect all of my detectives to do likewise."

"I know what your policy is, Liv. I just…I thought that I was more than a policy to you, I guess."

"Oh, honey." She placed her hands lovingly on Amanda's shoulders. "You aren't just a policy to me. You are my friend; probably my best friend if I were being completely frank. More than that, you are my detective and my responsibility. I only want what's best for you and ignoring emotional and mental pain are not what's best."

Amanda slowly nodded her head. She realized the wisdom in Olivia's statement, but she still had questions. "But depression isn't a 'real' mental illness like Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder, is it?"

"Yes, Amanda. Depression is classified as a mental illness, and it can be a serious issue for many people. Especially for someone like you who has a sibling with Bipolar Disorder." Olivia considered ordering Amanda to go to therapy, but she knew it didn't work like that. A person had to willingly enter therapy for it to be any help to them and it was obvious Amanda was not willing to even accept that she had a problem. She would just do what she could to help Amanda herself. "And there is nothing you could tell me that would make me look at you differently," she tried to speak reassuring words.

"So, you're going to pull the 'unconditional positive regard' card out, huh? I'm not a victim. I don't need all that, Liv. I've made it all this time with no help and I'm still making it."

"I wouldn't say that you've had no help. Do you really think that's a fair statement?" It was obvious in Olivia's voice that her feelings were hurt.

"I didn't mean it like that, Liv. I appreciate everything you've done for me. What you're still doing for me. I just mean…you didn't even know that I have depression."

"I saw the signs of depression in your behavior a long time ago, Amanda."

"Signs? Like what?"

"You have low self-esteem and low impulse control, for starters." Olivia said as gently as she could.

"Plus, I had a hard childhood complete with an abusive, alcoholic parent and I sleep around a lot. You can't forget those."

"I don't appreciate your sarcastic attitude; I'm being serious. It would be worth going to a professional for help."

"Well, I don't appreciate the fact that we are having this conversation. If you're going to punish me just do it. I need to get home to Jesse and Billie. I really don't have time for this tonight; my babysitter is on the clock."

Olivia considered reminding Amanda that she had a little boy and his babysitter waiting for her at home or that she was giving up part of her evening to give her what she so obviously needed, but she decided against it. If that was how Amanda felt about it, they could put the conversation aside until later. "Okay. Then go stand in the corner, please. We can get it over with if you're in such a big hurry."

When fifteen minutes had passed, Olivia, who was now sitting on the couch, called her out of the corner. "Amanda, come take a seat, please." She allowed Amanda time to comply before she spoke again. "Tell me you are being punished."

"You're choosing to punish me because you think that I did something dangerous."

"No, I'm not choosing to punish you. It is my job to teach you, and sometimes that means I have to punish you. You know that. You are the one who made a choice in this situation; I'm only providing the consequences that you deserve. I don't appreciate this attitude, and it would be wise to change it since you are about to go over my lap. Don't you think?"

"Yes, ma'am." Olivia's words brought Amanda back to the reality of the position in which she had placed herself. "I'm sorry."

"I think you've forgot that you are not the boss here. I know it has been quite a while since I've had to spank you, but this is surely going to jog your memory about why you need to obey your rules."

"Yes, ma'am," Amanda croaked out. She felt like she had swallowed a baseball as she tried to hold back the tears forming in her eyes. Why had she been in such a hurry to get to her punishment again? As much as she didn't want to admit it, maybe she really was overdue for some discipline.

"Now, I'm going to ask you again. Why are you being punished?"

"I broke two of my rules. First, I smoked DMT; It's illegal and dangerous. Second, I lied to you about it. More than once."

"So, I want to ask you: How would you feel if one of your girls did something like that?"

"I would be pissed… and worried…and I would kill her. I get your point; it was stupid. You don't have to worry about it ever happening again."

"Good. I'm glad you understand what a poor choice that was. There was one more thing. Do you know what it was?" Amanda looked perplexed, so Olivia decided to tell her about her other infraction. "You could have completely blown our case by taking part in illegal drugs and by obscuring the camera when we were supposed to be gathering footage of Adler providing an undercover officer with DMT. Did that occur to you, Amanda?"

"No, ma'am. It didn't. That was stupid, too."

"Considering that, what punishment do you deserve?"

"I deserve a spanking," she answered as tears filled her eyes again.

"Yes, you do. I'm going to start your spanking with my hand and continue it with the belt. Then, I'm going to paddle you for your disrespectful attitude."

Amanda hung her head, she hated it when Olivia decided to use the belt because it meant that she was extremely disappointed in her behavior. On top of that, she was going to paddle her, and Amanda hated the paddle worse than anything else. She knew better than to argue because it only made things worse. So, she did her best to sound contrite. "Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry for taking drugs and lying to you, and I'm really sorry I almost blew our case."

Olivia nodded and said, "Please take off your pants and panties and come lie across my lap."

Amanda answered, "Yes, ma'am," and immediately obeyed.

When Amanda had settled in, Olivia rested her hand on the center of Amanda's butt, raised it up, and delivered the first harsh lick. Amanda knew immediately that she wasn't going to go easy on her. Olivia continued spanking Amanda by alternating between one cheek and the other while going from the top of her butt all the way down to just above her knees. Amanda had done something unbelievably dangerous, and Olivia was going to make sure it never happened again.

After a few minutes, Olivia's lesson seemed to be sinking in and she decided that it was time to move on to the next part of the punishment. Instead of having to stand up and retrieve her own belt from around her waist, she reached over and took Amanda's belt out of her pants, which were draped over the back of the couch, and began spanking her with it. Amanda heard the belt swish through the air and felt it contact her rear over and over. She couldn't help but think about how Olivia was spanking her with her own belt. Was that what Olivia had meant about jogging her memory? She would definitely remember this punishment when she put her belt on the next morning.

By the time she estimated Amanda had taken thirty licks with the belt and her butt was burning like it was on fire, Olivia set the belt down. She carefully looked at Amanda's behind to make sure that a paddling would not be too severe on top of what she had already received. Olivia rested her hand on Amanda's very red and sore butt and felt heat radiating from it. Still, she decided that a paddling would not leave any lasting damage. It would not be the most severe spanking that Amanda had received and was no where near as severe as some of the punishments she had endured herself. The most important thing was that the punishment must fit the crime.

After Olivia had given her a brief reprieve, she announced that it was time for Amanda's paddling. "Okay, Amanda. Please get up and lay across my desk." She gave Amanda time to adjust herself as she went around her desk and took her paddle out of her desk. Then, she stood to Amanda's left side and lined the paddle up with her butt. Amanda hated the way the paddle felt resting on her already sore butt, but she knew she would hate the way it felt when she was getting spanked with it more.

"Tell me why you are receiving this paddling, Amanda." Olivia stated matter-of-factly.

"Because I was disrespectful to you," guilt was evident in Amanda's voice.

"We'd better not have this problem again for a long while or you will regret it. Is that clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," Amanda answered as earnestly as she knew how. She closed her eyes and waited for the first blow to fall.

When Olivia raised up the paddle and brought it down onto the center of her butt, it was all Amanda could do to stay still and quiet. Her knuckles bleached as she gripped the lip of the desk with all of her might. After the next two, she could no longer control herself and she bolted upright. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm really sorry! Please, please stop!"

"Amanda, lie back down. You know that you have earned this. You have seven more licks left, but you are going to earn extras if you do not lay down and take the remainder of this punishment."

It took a moment for Olivia's words to reach her brain, but Amanda obeyed as soon as they did. Olivia placed her hand on the small of Amanda's back and continued paddling her. After three more, Amanda was up again.

"Lie down!" Olivia's voice was stern. When Amanda did not immediately comply, Olivia began spanking her with her hand. Amanda's butt burned and her first instinct was to run away, but she knew better. After thirty seconds she realized that standing up was not going to give her any type of reprieve and she placed her body back on the desk. Olivia continued with the paddling until the last of the original sentence had been delivered and Amanda lay limply across her desk. "Now, you will receive four more licks- two for each time you stood up. I expect you to stay still!"

"Yes, ma'am," Amanda answered from where her face was still pressed against the desk. "I'm sorry. It just hurt so badly. I wasn't thinking."

"I know what it's like, but you still need to control yourself. Four more and it will be over."

Amanda nodded her head and squeezed her eyes closed tightly. Olivia raised up the paddle and delivered the last four licks on Amanda's very red butt. It took every ounce of self-control that she had, but Amanda stayed still until her paddling was over. When she stood, Olivia had her arms extended and was waiting to comfort her.

Amanda wasted no time shuffling into her arms and laying her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean to disappoint you."

"I'm only disappointed in your choices, Amanda, and I forgive you." She gently rubbed Amanda's back to reassure her. "I want you to know that I wasn't trying to make you upset earlier. Do you understand that?"

"Yes. I guess I…overreacted."

"Just a little bit. I meant what I said about being here for you. Whatever you need, okay?"

"Okay." Amanda gave a small, grateful smile.

Olivia squeezed Amanda a little bit harder. "Remember that you are a great mother, a stellar detective, and my wonderful friend, and remember that I love you."

"Thank you, Liv. I love you, too."

After ten minutes, Amanda finally let go and began dressing. "I've got to get going. Noah is going to be wondering where I am," Olivia said as she started gathering her things to leave. "I will see you in the morning, but if you need me tonight you call me. Got it?"

"Copy that, Captain."