Final Life

Summary: Kyle was in an accident which made Stan realize that he could lose his best friend any time so he decides to finally confess his feelings for Kyle and accept the consequences.

Stan woke up to the familiar ring tone. He didn't need to look at his phone to know who it was. He groaned as he brushed the screen to answer the call.

"Fuck Kenny. Do you even know what time it is?"

"Stan…Kyle was in a car accident." Though he had been more asleep than awake when he answered the phone, Stan was now fully awake. He could tell from the urgency in Kenny's voice that he wasn't joking and Kenny was not the kind of person to pull such a prank anyway. Cartman might stoop so low but Kenny would never.

"What happened?"

"I don't know the details but he was hit by a drunk driver. They just rushed him to Hell Pass. I'm on my way there right now."

"I'm coming too."

Bolting from his bed he woke up panting and covered in sweat although it wasn't hot in the room. Looking around the room he realized that it had been a nightmare and his eyes drifted to the sleeping figure next to him, the sight of which calmed him down.

He dreamed about Kyle's accident from two years ago sometimes and he knew why. He was afraid of losing Kyle. He was stuck with regular visits to a psychologist because of it since his mother insisted but he didn't think it was necessary. Wasn't it normal to be afraid of losing someone you loved?

He had been in love with his super best friend for a long time. He didn't even know how it all started or when but he had been afraid to talk to Kyle about it so he tried to get over him by dating Wendy. It didn't work out very well and they had an on and off relationship for some time but he decided to put an end to it after the accident.

After the accident he got over all his fears and didn't care what people would say if he told them that he was gay. His parents were the first to know, then came Kenny. None of them seemed to mind that he was gay.

Kenny was the first person he told about his feelings for Kyle and the blonde gave him a sad look and told him that he wanted Stan to be happy and that he should get over Kyle. That was the first time when he became suspicious of Kenny, when he had the feeling that Kenny was hiding something from him.

"Did Kyle tell you that he likes someone?" he had asked and Kenny looked at him shocked then shook his head. "Then is it because Kyle is not gay? It doesn't matter Kenny. I will confess to him, I can't hold it back any longer not after what happened." He didn't wait for Kenny to say anything else and headed towards Kyle's house.

Kyle was sitting on the doorsteps, his elbows rested on his knees as his hands cupped his cheeks. He raised his eyes at Stan's approaching figure but said nothing.

"Kyle, can we talk?" Stan's heart was beating fast and he almost changed his mind but he couldn't let that happen. Clenching his fists he waited for Kyle to say something.

"Of course."

"Do you want to come over or something?" This talk could be short and Kyle could just tell him how disgusted he is but at the same time it could take a while and he didn't want to have this conversation on the sidewalk. The privacy of his room was more appropriate.

"Like a sleepover?" Stan shrugged.

"Sure."

The short walk to Stan's house was quiet and a bit awkward for Stan but Kyle didn't seem to notice his uneasiness or he did but was giving his friend the time to calm down. In Stan's opinion it was the later because to Kyle he was like an open book. Knowing each other since they were four and being as close as they were made them learn the meaning of every little gesture like Stan's clenched fists and the constant looks in Kyle's direction whenever he thought that the red head wouldn't notice.

When they reached their destination Stan opened the front door to his house and let Kyle go in first, then closed the door.

"Hello, Stan." His mother called from the kitchen.

"Hey mom. Kyle is staying tonight, I hope that's ok." Sharon turned around and stopped in the kitchen's door with the knife that she had been using to cut vegetables still in her hand and looked at her son as he was taking off his coat.

He was about to go to his room and still had no answer. "I know it's a school night, mom but please. We won't stay up too late, I promise."

"Don't forget your homework." She said with a tired voice and Stan smiled at her.

"Thanks mom and we won't."

"What was it that you wanted to talk about?" Kyle asked once they were in Stan's room, both sitting on the bed with the back against the wall.

"Can you promise to not get mad at me?"

"I would never get mad at you, Stan."

"I love you." He was so afraid of rejection that he couldn't look Kyle in the eyes as he said it but at least he took it off his chest.

"I love you too." He turned his head to look at Kyle and he wanted nothing more than to touch him, to cup Kyle's pale cheeks with his hand and caress the soft skin but he refrained himself from it not wanting to scare the smaller boy.

The brilliant green eyes were looking at him confused and he drowned in them like he did many times before.

"You don't understand. I mean…I love you more than a super best friend."

"I know what you mean and it's ok. I love you too."

He had been dating Kyle ever since then and they will be celebrating their anniversary soon.

Stan was on his way to class one morning when he suddenly stopped in his tracks due to a pair of cold hands that were blocking his view.

"Guess who?" a familiar voice asked but he decided to play along and his lips curved upwards into a small smile.

"I don't know….Wendy?" he asked barely containing laughter.

"Try again." The person behind him said also amused.

"Well it can't be Kenny." The hands dropped and he turned around to face the blonde.

"And why not?" Kenny pouted pretending to be hurt.

"Because Kenny skips a lot."

"Not today." The blonde put a hand around Stan's shoulders and they resumed walking to class. "Some of us planned to get together on Saturday and hang out at Stark's Pond. Will you join us?"

"I planned on hanging out with Kyle on Saturday."

Kenny's hand dropped from his shoulder and he looked hurt. "You barely hang out with us anymore." The blonde complained. "We miss you…I miss you and Wendy is concerned for you."

"Why? I'm fine."

"Why won't you give us a chance? There will be drinks and food you know?"

"Sounds nice but it's our anniversary and I was looking forward to spending it with Kyle."

"Wendy said that she will personally drag you out of the house if you refuse, so please say yes."

"Who'll be there?"

"Cartman, Craig, Clyde, Tweek, Butters, Wendy, Bebe and Token."

Leaning into the armchair, Stan adjusted to a comfortable position. He was once again in Dr. Bliss office just like every week since his parents decided that he needed to talk to someone who was professional. He didn't know why exactly but he had a hunch it was because his parents could not get over the fact that he was gay although they did their best to not show it.

"Hello Stan! How do you feel today?" That's how Dr. Bliss started their sessions every week and Stan made a game out of trying to anticipate the moment when she would ask her first question. It was stupid, really and dull.

"You ask me that every time."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"It's just that…I don't know…Could you ask something else at the beginning of the session or something?"

"Like what?"

"I don't care." He sounded a bit exasperated as the doctor was watching him carefully. She was interpreting every move he made and everything he said, labeling him, he knew that much but he was getting tired of this routine.

"Alright, I suppose I can do that. Tell me then whatever you want."

"Like what?" he asked confused.

"Tell me what happened since we saw each other last time."

He shrugged. Nothing in his life as a teenager seemed worth telling her about. It was all just school and hanging out with his friends and boyfriend. "My friends want to hang out this weekend, like a picnic or something."

"Are you going?"

"I didn't decide yet."

"Why wouldn't you go?"

"Kyle and I are celebrating our two years anniversary." She nodded slowly a few times.

"Can't that be postponed a day or two, though?"

"I suppose…"

"Haven't you thought about that?"

He shrugged again "Not really."

"Did you plan anything special for your anniversary?"

"I don't like to make a big deal about it. We're fine with just hanging out in my room."

"That picnic sounds more interesting to me though. When I was you age I looked forward to those kind of things because there was always alcohol, smoking and drugs."

Raising an eyebrow at her Stan gave her a skeptic look. "You did drugs at sixteen?"

"The first time I tried I was fourteen but I can't say I did it often. It was more out of curiosity than anything else but there was a thrill that I felt only when I did things that I wasn't supposed to do. That was addicting for me."

"I don't really care about that." That was a lie because he liked to drink a bit too much but he wouldn't tell her that. It was something that only his friends knew and he liked to keep it that way.

"Somehow I can't believe you never did anything you weren't supposed to do." She said humored, laughing slightly.

"I skip school every now and then." She laughed and he became a bit tensed which her trained eye obviously noticed.

"Don't worry, I won't tell your parents you skip school. That's not why you're here."

"I know. Although I skip sometimes my grades are decent."

She had been leaning against her desk but then she moved to sit in her chair and Stan's eyes fell on the pen and folder on her desk. It was his folder and he couldn't help but wonder what she wrote about him there.

"Do you know why you are here?"

"I can only guess." He shrugged.

"Give it a try." She leaned in her chair and crossed her hands over her chest. Stan's eyes moved from her to the folder a few times and he wondered if his answer will be recorded there. It probably will.

"My parents can't accept that I'm gay."

"Why do you think that?"

"When I told them that I'm gay and Kyle and I started dating they said that they were ok with me being gay but they never treated Kyle the same again. I think they blame him for it but it's not his fault." He became overwhelmed with sadness and felt his eyes getting wet but he didn't want to cry in front of her and look like a crybaby.

"But it's not Kyle's fault that you are gay."

"I know that." He yelled but took a deep breath to calm down. "They used to love him too until the accident. Our house was like a second home for him and mom was always happy to have him for dinner, now she doesn't even say hello when he comes over. They become quiet when I mention his name but they wouldn't say anything and the atmosphere in the house becomes so tensed that I hate it. I wish they would just say what they have to say already."

"Did you talk to your parents? Tell them how you feel about their behavior?" He shook his head "Don't you think you are as guilty as they are then?"

"I suppose…"

"What about your friends?"

"They act normal, I don't think they care if I'm gay or not but sometimes they complain that I don't spend enough time with them. I guess it's because they were used to us spending a lot of time together when I dated Wendy since I never really wanted to spend that much time alone with her."

"I guess that's understandable since you were in love with Kyle back then too."

"Yeah."

"I guess we can stop here for today." He stood up and headed for the door but stopped with his hand on the door knob when she spoke once again. "And Stan, talk to your parents." He turned to give her one last look and nodded before opening the door.

Kyle was in the waiting room sitting on one of the plastic chairs patiently but stood up and walked towards him when he left the office.

"How did it go?" the red head asked and Stan looked at him and smiled.

"Fine, I guess." His hand reached to brush a red stray curl from Kyle's face so that he could see the emerald green eyes better.

"Have you decided about Saturday?"

"Not yet." Kyle laced their fingers together and they headed towards the exit.

"I want you to go." Kyle was looking straight forward at the sidewalk and Stan gave him a questioning look.

"Why?"

"Because Kenny is right. You don't spend enough time with them."

"But wouldn't you want to spend time with me too?" Stan gave his boyfriend a sad, questioning look and Kyle turned his head to meet his blue eyes.

"There are other people out there who need you as much as I do. I can't be selfish and besides I'm not going anywhere. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Is it wrong that I want to spend time with you?" Kyle didn't answer; instead he began walking in front of Stan who was left to contemplate the slender figure in front of him.

"There are so many people who care about you, Stan." The red head eventually broke the silence that had settled between them. "Why can't you see that?"

"I know that."

"Then stop being so selfish. That's not the Stan I know, that's not my super best friend."

"You say I'm selfish but I just want to be happy. What's wrong with that?"

Kyle stopped walking and turned around to face Stan who also stopped. He could see so many emotions in the green eyes that pierced him that he became overwhelmed himself. A mixture of sadness, anger and frustration enveloped him and he tried to look away in an attempt to get rid of it but Kyle seemed to have a mysterious power over him.

"Are you happy, Stan? Can you say that you are truly happy when you hurt the people who love you?"

"I didn't hurt you…"

"Is that what you think? I can't be at peace if you are not happy. It hurts me to see you drinking until you pass out and waking up to nightmares."

"So what do you want me to do?" He asked exasperated. He knew that Kyle was right about his drinking problem.

"Go hang out with Kenny and the others this weekend. Have fun for once."

"Will you come too?"

"No. I'll see you on Sunday."

He finished the walk home alone since Kyle left him in the middle of the road and by the time he entered his room he desperately needed a drink. Weren't his sessions with Dr. Bliss supposed to help him get over his drinking problem? But then again she didn't know about that so she couldn't help him.

Opening his closet he reached a bottle stashed there a few days ago when he had been able to get his hands on it without getting caught and opened it. He looked at it for a minute, hesitating. Shouldn't he at least try to control himself? What if Kyle broke up with him because of that? Kyle deserved a better boyfriend than that.

"Fuck." His addiction got the better of him and he let himself get caught once again in the vicious circle.

"Are you having fun?" Kenny sat down on the bench beside Stan and lit up a cigarette from the package that he was already holding.

"Sure." Stan answered cradling the bottle of beer in his hands. He arrived about an hour ago and the little party had already started but he didn't care that he was late. Kenny welcomed him as soon as he spotted him approaching the pond and caught him in a tight embrace that almost cut his breath.

"I'm glad you decided to come." The blonde gave him an intoxicating bright smile and his sky blue eyes were glowing.

"I just wish that Kyle could be here too." Kenny's smile faded and there was a moment of silence between them while Kenny took a few drags from his cigarette.

"Kyle was never a fan of parties." Kenny pointed out.

"But he would always come if I asked him to and if I promised to make it up to him."

"It was always troublesome for him though because in the end he had to get you home after you became drunk and cover for you."

Stan smiled. "I'd crash to his place on most occasions."

"Stan…" Kenny grabbed his chin and shifted his head so that their eyes could meet. Stan's deep blue eyes looked in Kenny's sky blue ones and saw sadness that did not suite the blond. Kenny had always been the more carefree one among them in spite of the situation he had at home with drunk parents who didn't earn enough to put food on the table for their three kids. It always seemed to Stan that nothing could bring Kenny down no matter what life threw in his face. "….I'm still here though. I can be your best friend since Kyle…."

"You are my best friend Kenny. Kyle is my boyfriend now." Kenny let out a sigh and took another drag.

"I love you." Kenny said all of the sudden looking absentmindedly at the fire that was burning a few feet away from them.

Stan gave him a skeptic look. It wasn't the first time Kenny said that but it was the first time when he didn't seem to be joking. Kenny used to say those words a lot to both him and Kyle and probably other people too so he never paid too much attention to it until now.

"I know. I love you too."

"You don't get it. I'm in love with you." Stan was left speechless for a moment but he recovered fast.

"I don't think you've ever been serious about love, Kenny."

"Why? Because I do whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it? I still have feelings, Stan and maybe I did just what you did with Wendy. I couldn't tell you since I knew you were in love with Kyle. I didn't want you to use me the way you used Wendy so I didn't say anything but now I think it's time for you to know. I can't hide it anymore."

"Kenny…isn't it the worst time to say that now that I have a boyfriend? I won't break up with Kyle." Kenny dropped the bud from his finished cigarette and put it out with his foot.

"Maybe you should. He's not good enough for you." By the time Stan realized what was going on his hand had collided with Kenny's cheek, leaving a red mark. The blonde didn't flinch but Stan knew that it must hurt and he felt guilty but at the same time he was angry. Kenny had no right to say that Kyle wasn't good enough for him.

"Don't you ever say that."

"You're not happy, Stan. I hate seeing you like this. Why do you refuse to move on? I'm here and I will be as long as you live. I won't die and leave you behind." Kenny was exasperated already at his friend's stubbornness but giving up was not like him so he cupped Stan cheeks and pressed his lips against the raven's. He risked making Stan even angrier but it has already been two years and he was getting tired of hiding and pretending.

"Why does everybody think that I can't be happy with Kyle?" Stan yelled at him and tears started to fall down his cheeks. Kyle was all he ever wanted or needed. What else was there that could make him happier?

Stan lay on his bed with Kyle beside him and was looking at the ceiling.

"Kenny confessed to me the other day." He had to tell Kyle what happened at their small party since he never liked to keep secrets from the red head.

"Did he?"

"Yeah. It's pretty fucked up. I care a lot about him as a friend and I feel like shit because I know I hurt him."

"You must get over it." Stan shifted his head to look in Kyle's direction.

"You mean he must get over it." Kyle looked back at him.

"Is that what I should have said?"

"I don't want to be the bad guy here. I need Kenny to understand that I love him as a brother and there can't be more between us." Shifting to one side he put an arm around Kyle's waist and the red head put his own hand on top of his.

"Kenny is strong but he's also stubborn. I'm sure he won't give up on you and I actually think that he can make you happy."

"But I don't love him that way."

"People can change, Stan. One's first love does not have to be the last."

"But I don't want us to change." He retorted stubborn. "Do you?" He was afraid to ask but needed to know how Kyle felt.

"I need us to change and so do you. I told you before, you don't look happy."

"How was your weekend?" Dr. Bliss asked, sitting in her chair. Stan let his head fall backwards as he remembered his fight with Kenny. "Did you hang out with your friends?"

"Yeah…but I ended up having a fight with Kenny."

"Why?"

"He said that Kyle was not good enough for me."

"And that made you angry?"

"Well, yeah."

"Why did he say that?"

"Because he's jealous. He confessed to me and he wants me to leave Kyle and date him."

There was a knock on the door and Stan turned around only to see Kenny enter the room. "What are you doing here?" he asked the blonde but it was Dr. Bliss who answered.

"I asked him to join us today. I didn't know you had a fight but now that you are both here you can sort things out." Stan looked confused at her then back to Kenny who took a seat in a chair. "Stan, tell me what happened two years ago."

"I don't remember very well."

"You can start with whatever you can remember, don't strain yourself."

"Kenny called to tell me that Kyle had an accident and we rushed to the hospital."

"Then what happened?"

"We found the doctor and he said that Kyle was in a coma."

"That's not what the doctor said." Kenny interrupted. Stan turned to look at him and saw the sky blue eyes piercing him.

"Kyle was in bed asleep. He was in a coma. I remember that much." Stan raised his voice at his friend. He felt that they were about to have another fight and he didn't want that but Kenny was acting like a bitch lately.

"Don't you fucking remember where Kyle was?" Kenny yelled.

"In an operation room."

"He was in the fucking morgue, Stan. The doctor said that he died upon impact."

"No…" Stan felt his strength leaving his body. He wanted to punch Kenny in the face but he was paralyzed. "Kyle is not dead. He's waiting for me outside." Images from two years ago came rushing into his mind overlapping, contradicting one another. There was Kyle in the operation room in a coma then Kyle on a table in the morgue, the doctor covering his face after letting him and Kenny see their friend; Kyle leaving the hospital with him and then Kyle's funeral. What was going on with his mind?

He grabbed his head with both hands and closed his eyes trying to make sense of everything.

"Kyle is dead, Stan but you couldn't accept that so your mind created the reality you wanted." Dr. Bliss explained and he shook his head.

"Kyle can't be dead….I picked him up from the hospital…." He remembered that but the image associated with it didn't come. What day was it? What was he wearing? What was Kyle wearing? What did they talk about? His eyes opened wide and he fell on his knees. Kenny rushed by his side and held him in a tight embrace.

"Kyle is dead, Stan." The blonde whispered in his ear the dreadful words with a soothing voice. "You have to get over it. He's gone but I'm still here and I love you. I really do."

Kenny stopped in front of a grave stone and Stan did the same. His eyes fell on the name that was forever engraved in golden letters and he couldn't stop his tears. There was no way to deny that Kyle was dead anymore and it hurt more than he could have imagined. He fell on his knees and covered his face with both hands to hide the tears and Kenny kneeled down beside him and held him tight.

"I used to come here every week after the funeral." Kenny said looking at the funeral stone. "And after a month it still felt unreal."

"He was pushing me away, I could feel it."

"That was just your mind telling you to stop lying to yourself, Stan."

"I guess it was." They stood there in silence for a while then Stan got up from the ground. "I can't see him anymore and I miss him."

"I miss him too, we all do but we have to move on." Stan nodded slightly.

"Do you think he's happy?"

"I'm sure he didn't go where I go when I die, so yes, I think he's happy."

"Do you think we could be happy?"

"We could try."

"Alright. Let's go on a date." Kenny eyes opened wide and he became slightly happier since they arrived at the grave. Wrapping his arms around Stan's neck, he kissed him gently on the lips. Stan put his arms around the smaller boy's waist and leaned into the kiss. "You don't mind, do you Kyle?" he asked turning towards the grave and giving it one last look before leaving hand in hand with Kenny.