October 30, 2023,
It is amazing how the two of us can fit onto the narrow bed in my cabin. The whole time I have let Haruna have the bed while I took the narrow floor space under the desk between the bed and the wall, but I woke up this morning to find myself spooning Haruna, my face buried deep in Haruna's hair.
All I remember from last night was me writing in my journal after dinner, with Haruna slumped against me, eyes blankly staring at the words on the page. I finished the entry and was going to slide under the table to lie down, but Haruna suddenly latched onto my arm. I guessed she still needed me there physically, so I did not resist. I clutched her skirt with my free hand as I let my head rest on hers. And we sat there in silence, finding solace in each other's presence. I tried to initiate heart-to-heart talk a few times, but to no success. Ultimately I must have fallen asleep, and only my darling knows what happened after that.
I wanted to get up, but when I tried to move my arms, Haruna immediately tightened her grip and pressed herself more aggressively against me.
I chose to not resist. I guess we all need the comfort of others. We lay in silence, but I could tell from her erratic breathing that she was sobbing.
After some time there was a knock on the door. From the voices I heard it was Yamagumo and Asagumo coming down to deliver us breakfast. I shouted through the door that we weren't hungry and that we would eat more during lunch, but still appreciated the gesture anyway.
We lay there for many more hours. The whole time I was caressing Haruna with my free hand, occasionally giving her a light kiss on her nape – the only thing I can do, really. I thought of the distant days back in the base, where we would do the same thing on our precious few days off, except that every peck would be reciprocated by a giggle; every touch returned; every sweet muttering quickly silenced with a kiss. But now, there was only silence.
Haruna suddenly sat up. She sat motionless for a few moments, before slowly tucking her knees into her chest, and burying her face in them. The sobbing became audible. I guess she too was thinking of the days long past, a time we can never return to. I sat up as well, wrapping the thin blanket around her, embracing her from behind, as the sobbing died down slowly.
These precious memories that we cling onto, they bring us comfort and pain. We want to forget, to not be sedated by an illusion, and yet, we just can't let go. We cannot be stuck in the past, and yet, and yet…
And yet…
It feels so good.