November 1, 2023,

Yesterday was fucked up.

The one time I had to leave the cabin for an operations meeting, this shit happens. It was a critical meeting regarding the handing over of securing operations and the withdrawal of the breakthrough units that are no longer required. I could have skipped the fucking meeting, if it weren't for the fact those morons failed to consider the fact that abyssal aircraft have effectively twice their normal range if they employed suicide tactics. Maybe if those numbnuts collectively found 2 brain cells to rub together, I wouldn't have been greeted by the shit that transpired when I got back.

I came back to the cabin and knocked on the door. No response – not unexpected. I gently opened the door to find Haruna naked, bloodshot eyes staring into blank space while repeatedly cycling the Arisaka I was issued. The locker door was ripped open; the box of ammo had its contents strewn across the floor.

I rushed over and grabbed the rifle out of her hands. I saw it then – 5 spent cartridges, 5 flattened bullets, 5 distinct bruises under her chin.

Oh God, writing that out brings the shock and horror back.

I slung the rifle and gathered all the ammo on the floor. A quick count verified that all but the 5 spent rounds were accounted for. I kept a clip for emergencies and tossed the rest overboard.

The box hadn't hit the water when I was back in the cabin. I knelt down in front of Haruna, my hand gingerly feeling over her bruises. No reaction from her. At this moment I am hit with a wave of indescribable anguish and despair, as if I had seen the love of my life die before my eyes.

That might as well have been the case here.

The emotions in me came to a head. I grabbed Haruna around her waist and buried my face into her lap and began to sob uncontrollably. I cried for what must have been hours, until the tears ran dry.

We already lost someone. I can't lose anyone else.

I must have fallen asleep where I was, because the next thing I knew, I was lying on the bed naked with Haruna in my arms. She must have moved me while I was asleep. The rifle was in the locker and the uniform I was wearing had been hung up. This time, I was able to get up without resistance. The first thing I did was to check that the clip was still in the pocket I hid it in. It was. I moved it to another pocket in case she found it while stripping me and set about writing this entry while she was still sleeping.

I've never really considered the effects of my own mortality until now. I have been on my own until I met Haruna, but even then I still took my youth for granted; after all, if the faces around you don't age, soon you will forget that you can't just keep chugging on forever. Eventually the war would end, the Shipgirl corps disbanded, and the girls integrated into society. Haruna and I would buy land on a tropical beach, far from prying eyes, and live in happiness with each other until we die.

Or at least until I die.

I never considered what would happen to Haruna after I'm gone. She will definitely outlive me, by how long, I do not know, and it pains me to consider that this, the mental torment and crippling sadness she is going through now, may once again rear its ugly head, and that will be something my darling will have to face alone.

I don't think anything can make me leave the cabin anymore, not until we get back to base at least.