Authors' note: One of the things I have noticed about The High Chaparral, is that often the most interesting nuggets about a character are seeded in episodes that feature an entirely different character. "Follow Your Heart" is fully a Sam Butler episode, but there is a wonderful scene between Victoria and John when she tells him that he is like two different people; the one he shows the world, "...a great big rock, solid and hard..." and the one she knows, "...gentle and kind and loving and easily hurt." It is this last that was sort of the inspiration for this chapter, though it actually applies to a lot of what I have written about John, and specifically John and Victoria's relationship. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for the comments and review(s). They are very encouraging. Oh, and BTW, I don't know if I will be able to figure out how to do it when I post this chapter, but MAYBE this deserves a 'M' rating...though 'T' is probably fine.

Fullness of Time, CHPT 3/Brothers

"Because brothers don't let you wander in the dark alone." -Jolene Perry

They decided to tell the rest of the family the next night at dinner. "You sure you don't want to wait? You know...to be more sure?" John asked her. But Victoria was adamant. Mostly because she didn't want to...didn't think she could... contain her joy one minute longer.

So the next evening as they were just finishing dinner, and after Luna had been put to bed, Victoria, without any preamble...because, really, what kind of preamble could there be? ...blurted out the news. Which was greeted by slack jaws instantly followed by huge smiles and whoops of congratulations. Victoria surreptitiously watched Blue, especially. To see if there was any resentment or concern. But beyond his initial surprise, Blue's face reflected nothing but happiness and excitement.

Buck immediately said, "we need some GOOD whiskey to do a proper toast."

"WAIT!" Mano exclaimed. "Just wait. I will be right back, I promise! No toast until I get back," he instructed as he raced out of the house.

"What on earth?" John demanded. Buck just shrugged and laughed.

Mano actually was 'right back,' bearing in each hand a dripping bottle of the last of Tony Gray's champagne.

"Where on earth did you find those?! And why are the dripping wet?" Victoria wanted to know as she laughed at her brother's excitement.

"I hid them in the old well," he explained as he wiped the bottles down. "Very far down." He grinned hugely. "I can't believe I forgot about them! Until I heard your news." he stepped forward and kissed his sister on the forehead.

Given its somewhat rough ride into the house, Mano opened the champagne very carefully. But even with care the cork flew out of the bottle with a very traditional and loud 'pop'!

Blue and Buck brought the glasses to be filled. (As he waited for Mano to fill the two glasses he held, Buck whispered to Mano, "You forgot!? About liquor? That's worry-some." Mano whispered back, "I know… I am a little concerned myself.") He filled the glasses. "A toast," he said formerly, raising his glass. "To my beautiful sister and the beautiful child she will no doubt bear, and to my brother-in-law and the future he has helped create. To the future!"

"Here, here! The the future!" Everyone cheered again. Glasses were drained and re-filled...Tony Gray was toasted!... and the room was filled with excited chatter. After a bit, Victoria slipped out to check on Luna. Buck was considering whether to go say anything to the bunkhouse boys….no, that should probably be best left to John...when he realized that his brother was no longer in the room. Buck walked to the door and saw John headed for the horse barn. A glance behind him, showed Mano and Blue engaged in setting up a card game, still chattering away.

Buck slipped out of the house and trailed his brother into the barn. "Whatcha doing out here?"

"Oh, just checking." John replied as he went to one of the loose stalls where a valued mare was recovering from injury.

"Huh. Not much to check though is there?"

John remained silent, A condition Buck was well used to and which he had long since learned to take at less than face value.

"What's wrong John Boy?"

"Nothin's wrong. Happy news, happy night." He stroked the injured horse's neck.

Now it was Buck's turn to say nothing.

Without facing him, John suddenly said, "I can't do it, Buck, I just can't."

Buck laughed..."Creaky old coot like you run around after a young'n? You already do that fine with Luna."

"No, no that."

"Then what?"

"Any of it. She's been...well...she thought she was this way before, but it didn't ...work out," he stumbled. "And each time it's like she breaks a little."

Buck was some surprised by this news but didn't hesitate before he replied, "Well, she sure seems sure this time. And Victoria break? Sad maybe, bend maybe, but break? She's strong as any woman I ever knowed."

John had retreated back into silence.

"There's somethin' else...isn't there?" Buck probed.

"I can't… I don't…," he stumbled. "Buck, I can't risk loosing her...I can't sit around for however many months and wonder if I am going to lose Victoria." He continued to stare into the horse's neck.

Buck's eyes popped like the champagne cork. "Lose her? What ARE you talkin' about?! What do they put it that champagne?! 'Cause of the baby? Women give birth all the time. Natural and right as rain."

"And sometimes women die giving birth."

"What?! Well, maybe that does happen. Sometimes. But not often...not often at all. But, John, this ain't like you. Where's this coming from? You're never scared of trouble before trouble arrives."

Finally, John turned to face his brother. "Annalee. And the little girls."

"I knowed about that, John...but..."

"No," John said sharply. "You don't know. You weren't there."

Buck was going to reply that he knew enough, but something in his brother's face stopped him.

"All right." he said quietly, "I wasn't there. So tell me."

John sighed and shook his head.

"Tell me.," Buck repeated.

John turned back to the horse. He spoke softly, but loudly enough so that Buck could hear him.

"When our little girl, Sarah, died, well it hurt so much. It's true what they say, there really are no words. Maybe that's why it never gets talked about." He shook his head. "And then we had Blue. But when he was born, Annalee had a much harder time. I mean real hard. Then Emily."

John paused and turned to face Buck. "Well, it went even worse for Annalee. She was in labor for so long. Ma and I took turns being with Annalee and tending to Blue." He paused again and took a deep and shakey breath.

"Finally, when the baby started to come...Buck...there was so much blood. I have seen more blood on battlefields and in fights out here than most men, but this was different. So much blood coming from such a small, fragile body…even Ma didn't know what to do. It felt like my life was draining away with her's. I never felt so helpless...or scared. This woman I loved was dying...and I was in part way responsible."

Buck almost interrupted. It literally hurt him to hear the anguish in his brother's voice, but he held his tongue.

"Annalee lost consciousness and when the baby finally came out, well, Ma and I knew right away that it...she...was dead. Ma wrapped her in the softest cloth we had and started to take her out of the room. But Annalee came round then and wanted to see the baby and... I could hear Blue cryin' in the next room...but..."

John rubbed his hand over his face. "I'm not telling this right...what it was like… words won't come."

"You're doing fine," Buck said softly. "Keep goin'."

"She was...she couldn't seem to understand that the baby was dead...she kept holdin' her and rocking her. But she was so weak...it was as if she was there and not there. And then she fell asleep. Ma went to see to Blue and after a bit, I went to take the baby from her, but Annalee came round again...and she didn't say anything….she just looked at me...eyes pleading to keep...save... the baby. So, I sat with her….with both of them for a bit...and that is when we named her Emily Claire. And finally she drifted off again."

"Ma and I thought she might die. When we went out to bury Emily, I wondered if I would have to dig another, bigger grave. And even when she did finally recover, it was as if...I can't tell it right...but as if she was always looking for something that wasn't there. Sometimes I wonder"….he stared down at his feet..."if she was still looking the night she was killed."

Wearily, John sat on one of the hay bales..

He looked up at Buck. "I can't go through that again; I just can't. When Victoria told me, she said my heart was racing like a train. I told her it was excitement, but it wasn't….it isn't...it is pure fear."

Now its was Buck's turn to take a deep breath. He pushed his hat off and knelt so he was at eye level with his brother.

"John, I am more sorry than I could ever say that AnnieLee ...and you...had to go through that. But it's done. It's over. This is a new chance...just like this is a new place. And never once have I ever knowed you to stop … even a little...because of something that happened in the past."

"Well, maybe I should have," John said sourly, looking back down at the ground.

Buck hauled off and hit his brother, hard, in the shoulder.

John's head jerked up and he scowled at Buck.

"That's plain self pity and you know it! And that' something else I never seen in you."

John paused, rubbed his shoulder, and then nodded just bit in acknowledgement.

Buck pulled up another hay bale and sat across from his brother.

"John Boy you gotta get yourself into the here and now. Not just for yourself, but for Victoria."

Slowly, John nodded. "I know."

"John, do you WANT this baby?"

"What? Yes, of course."

"Think about it," Buck demanded. "Really think about it."

"Yes," he repeated, slowly but more firmly.

"Well then. Did you tell Victoria about what happened with Annielee and the little baby?"

John looked startled. "No...I mean she knows about the girls...but not the details."

"Well, thank the Lord for that. Look, right now, Victoria is so happy she might lift right off the ground and float up to the ceiling. But you can bet that some of her women friends have told her...or will tell her … stories just as scary as your's. She's happy, but I will bet you there is already a little pin prick of fear."

John looked at Buck in surprise. In truth, it hadn't occurred to him that Victoria might be afraid. Partly he had to acknowledge, because he had been so wrapped up in his own fear, but also, because in all the ways that counted, Victoria was one of the bravest people he had ever known.

"She needs you." Buck said simply. "And if you really want this baby...want this future… well, maybe you don't have to forget the past … you probably can't... but you have to put it in it's place."

Suddenly, for the first time since Victoria had told him, John felt a ripple of excitement and anticipation; a ripple that might grow big enough to drown out his old fears.

John looked across at his brother and almost smiled. "When did you get so smart?"

Buck fiddled with his hat. "Well, its pretty easy bein' smarter than you." He kicked at his brother's boot with his own. "Let's get outta here. Even the horse is bored with us." He stood and stretched. And then both men headed across ranch yard.

"Ya know, brother John. I really don't like that champagne."

"Oh no? Why"

"I dunno...its kinda…."fiddly."

John laughed. "Fiddly."

"I think," Buck said as the neared the house, "we need some GOOD whiskey to toast this proper."

"Ah...GOOD whiskey. You mean like the whiskey I keep for the army buyers and the railroad men?"

"I do indeed brother John," Buck said, slapping his brother on the back. "That is exactly what I mean."

CODA

A while later, after Victoria had finally gotten a restless Luna back to sleep, she returned to an empty living room, Blue and Mano having taking their game off to the bunkhouse. She followed the sound of voices and looked out of the big door, which someone had left ajar.

Buck was sitting, leaning back in one of the chairs, his legs stretched out in front of him. He was talking and gesturing, one hand holding a glass which seemed to hold a goodly amount of what Victoria was pretty sure was whiskey. John stood opposite him, cradling his own glass, leaning against the veranda support, one boot on the post, listening and smiling.. They didn't see her. And as she studied her husband she felt relief; the way he was standing, the fact that he was smiling, but mostly the way he held his shoulders….the same shoulders that, since she had told him of her pregnancy, had been stiff and hard ...that were now relaxed. And she relaxed too.