Ash spent the next hours searching the apartment before stopping for lunch. Like Eiji promised there was food waiting for him in the fridge. It was as delicious as breakfast. Ash envied alternate Ash who got to eat such food every day. After he finished, he decided to go look around town. Izumo was a small town and everyone seemed to know him. They would wave and call out to him as he passed. Ash put on a fake smile and waved back. He hoped none of them would try to talk to him. He wasn't sure if alternate Ash could speak Japanese, but he couldn't. It was already dark when he returned. Luckily Eiji wasn't back yet. Ash briefly pondered if he should tell Eiji about his theory but decided against it. He didn't know Eiji that well and wasn't sure how he would react to it. Eiji might think he was crazy. Eiji might believe and want his Ash back instead of an imposter. Either way, Ash thought it would be better to handle it himself. As long as he got home alternat Ash could deal with explaining things.
Ash wandered over to the bookcase and ran a finger along the books there, reading the titles. Somewhere in Japanese but a lot of them were in English. Ash was surprised at how many titles he recognized. He wondered if his alternate self was an avid reader or if Eiji was. He decided to check out one of the Japanese translated books. Ash wasn't sure when the next time he would be able to read a book from Japan. He settled on a book called "No Longer Human" and started reading. It was interesting and Ash soon got lost in the words. He almost didn't hear Eiji come home. The sound of the door opening startled Ash, but he quickly got his bearings. He watched as Eiji entered the apartment saying something in Japanese as he did. Ash observed him.
Now that he knew that Eiji was alternat Ash's husband, he saw Eiji in a new light. He wondered how they met. He wondered why alternat Ash chose Eiji…or did Eiji choose alternate Ash? How did normal romances work? Was there marriage good or was it full of fighting? Did they have any friends? What did their families think of them? He doubted alternat Ash was a gang leader. He probably moved to Japan as a kid or something. There was no way Eiji would marry him if he shared the same background as Ash. It made Ash feel like an intruder, creeping his way into a peaceful family where he didn't belong.
"Did you have a good day?" Eiji asked as he took off his coat. Ash shook his thoughts away and focused.
"Yeah," Ash mildly, then after a pause, "you?"
"Pretty good." Eiji put his bag on a shelf and turned around smiling. "Right let's eat dinner."
"What are you going to make?" Ash asked closing the book. Since both breakfast and lunch were so good, he was actually kind of looking forward to trying dinner.
"What I'm going to make" Eiji crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "I don't think so."
Ash paused. "You want me to cook dinner?" Fear crept up his spine. He had no idea how to cook. "By myself?" The last thing he cooked was some Chinese food at Shorter's restaurant. As he recalled, Shorter's sister had banished him from the kitchen after that.
"Of course not!" Eiji rolled his eyes. "I'll help you. I don't want you to burn down the kitchen or give me food poisoning again."
"Oh," That didn't soothe Ash's nervousness. If he was as bad at cooking as his alternate self, then he risked hurting Eiji. He really didn't want that on his conscience. Eiji didn't seem like a bad person and alternat Ash would be devastated to come back to a dead husband. He wondered if Eiji's help would be enough to keep Eiji alive.
Eiji, noticing Ash's uncertainty, smiled softly. "Don't worry so much. You won't poison me again ok? You don't need to beat yourself up because just because I was in the hospital for four days after the last time."
"Oh..." Now Ash was very concerned. What the hell did his alternate self-do? Was it even possible to mess up that badly? Also the words "last time" didn't comfort him either. How many times did Ash mess up and give Eiji food poisoning?
"It'll be fine! I'll be monitoring you the whole time. I promise I won't let you mess up so badly that you poison someone, or you burn half the kitchen down again."
Yep, they're doomed. It was either going to end with fire or bodily harm. Eiji was sealing his fate. Ash tried to hide his absolute horror and nervousness. He was Ash Lynx after all. He had done much more terrifying things than cook. Even so, this was different. Eiji was different. Even if Eiji wasn't really his husband the man had been good to him. It would be terrible if a good person like him got hurt because of Ash's incapability.
"Ok." Ash stood up making sure his face looked natural "Let's cook then."
"Great!" Eiji's eyes twinkled mischievously as he led Ash into the kitchen and handed him an apron. "Put this one."
Ash unfolded it to find the 'Hot Stuff' apron. "You're joking."
"You seemed to find it amusing this morning." Eiji's mischievous smile grew. Ash mentally took back his earlier thoughts. Eiji was nothing like Griff. Eiji was pure evil. Perhaps it would do him some good to be food poisoned again.
Ash sent Eiji a glare that would have sent his gang cowering. Instead, Eiji just laughed lightly and put on a plain green apron. Ash resigned himself to his fate and reluctantly slipped on the apron. Eiji finished tying his apron and turned to look at him. He took in Ash's appearance and burst out laughing.
"Oh my god that looks so bad….." he gasped between giggles. "You're right…that's…that's….terrible…" Eiji became incapable of speech as he sunk to the ground gasping for breath as he laughed.
A wave of annoyance hit Ash followed by a wave of sulkiness. Ash didn't even want to wear the stupid thing. This was all Eiji's fault. Alternat Ash must be insane for marrying such a guy. After a few seconds however Ash couldn't help but chuckle along. Eiji's laughter was contagious. Soon Ash felt himself relaxing as he watched Eiji trying to get up from the ground and failing. A part of Ash's mind was setting off warning bells, but he was starting to ignore them. Since an enemy didn't set this up there was really no reason to be wary of Eiji. The Japanese man was just having fun. There was no harm in it. For the first time in what felt like forever, Ash allowed himself to laugh freely.
Cooking, it turned out, was more fun than Ash would have thought. Eiji was a good teacher and, as long as Ash followed exactly what he said, the kitchen stayed in tack. They talked lightly and Eiji told Ash about his day. Since the "Hot Stuff" apron was so horrid Ash refused to wear it. Now he was wearing a light blue apron which suited him much better. After an hour of cooking the apartment was filled with the sweet aroma of dinner.
They ate dinner together. Ash couldn't remember the last time he had such a normal experience. Like breakfast and lunch, it was delicious. Now he wasn't worried about Eiji, he found the other's company enjoyable. He was surprisingly easy to talk to. Ash didn't need to pretend to be tough or put up a front. After dinner Ash helped Eiji do the dishes then they got ready for bed. While they brushed their teeth Ash caught himself wondering if this was how normal people lived. If so, he never understood how amazing it felt. Ash always slightly envied normal people but at that moment he wanted to be them so badly it hurt. Why did alternate Ash get such a nice life while he only had hell? He usually didn't allow himself to feel these emotions. He usually didn't compare himself or bemoaned his situation like this. The sudden change in environment really took a toll on his self-control. Without knowing it he was slowly reverting to a sixteen-year-old.
Ash's good mood started to fade the second he crawled into the bed. He had forgotten that they shared one. It made sense because they were married but he was feeling uncomfortable about it. As Ash pulled the blankets over his legs, he watched Eiji get ready for bed. His mind started wandering down dark paths. What did Ash really know about Eiji? It was all fun and games while they were cooking and eating but now, in the bedroom, he felt suspicious of the other man's motivates. There was no guarantee that alternate Ash and Eiji had a happy marriage. Perhaps they had good days and bad days. What if there was some toxicity to their marriage and Ash didn't see? Eiji might turn out to be very manipulative. The bed was a vulnerable place and Ash had only known Eiji for a day. People changed at night. He saw it many times with different men. They acted one way during the day and differently in bed. Ash might be older in this dimension, but he was still very beautiful. There was no way Eiji didn't want him after a long day at work.
A small part of Ash's mind knew he was being unfair. He knew there was no hard evidence to support this theory. Most likely they were just a completely normal healthy couple, however, years of abuse don't disappear easily. A larger part of Ash's mind was pulling up scenarios of other times he was with strangers. Times where he had foolishly put his faith in someone he didn't know and suffered from it. In the light of the lamp on the side table, the room looked like one of Golzine. Eiji seemed quieter, sneaky. Panic was starting to cloud his judgment.
Ash's heart started pounded as Eiji finished putting on his pajamas and click off the lights. In the dark Ash felt the world closing in on him. It pushed against his eyes and chest suffocating him. He had learned many years ago to be wary of the night. The bed creaked as Eiji crawled into it and Ash's anxiety shot up. He wasn't ready for this. He had let his guard down too much during the day believing he was safe. The blankets rustled as Eiji got under them and Ash tensed. Something bad was going to happen. He knew it. If Eiji wanted something now, this was the time to claim it. If he was married to Ash surely, he knew how vulnerable Ash was in bed. Eiji could decide what they'd do, and Ash wasn't sure if he could fight him, not with how confused his mind was.
Ash regretted letting down his guard. He regretted laughing freely and eating food in peace. He should have been preparing himself. He should have seen this coming. Of course, this was all Eiji really wanted. What else was Ash but a pretty face on a sexy body? Eiji had pretended to care all day in order to get Ash to feel like he owed him. Ash felt like a fool. He had fallen for it hook line and sinker. He should have done better. If he was at Golzine's place he would be numb by night. It would make everything easier. Right now however he felt tight and sick. His chest hurt and he was breathing too quickly. His senses were on high alert and he was hyper-aware of his surroundings. This was the complete opposite of how he should be feeling. It would make every second of the ordeal more vivid in his mind.
"Ash?" Eiji's voice wafted through the darkness. "What's wrong." Eiji's face loomed closer. Ash felt himself drawback instinctively. Fighting the urge to cry out, he forced himself to relax. It only hurt more if he was tense. It only hurt more if he thought about it. Just relax, show no fear, and let them have a good time.
"Nothing, just do it. I know you want to." Ash hated how scared he sounded. He hated this. He wasn't this weak. He had been through this before. It was all Eiji's fault for disarming him. It was all Eiji's fault for letting him feel human all day.
The light clicked on, relieving Eiji's startled expression. "What?" the smaller man scanned Ash's face. "What do you think I'm going to do?" Ash didn't answer. It was a stupid question. They both knew what Eiji wanted. Eiji scanned him for a few more seconds.
"Ash I would never do that to you, you know that! We'd only do it if you were comfortable."
Ash looked away. There was no way that was true. Eiji was just playing with him. He wanted Ash to let his guard down. He knew how this game went. He had been here before. Eiji wasn't the first and wouldn't be his last.
"Ash, are you having a relapse?" Eiji sounded concerned again. "Look at me please." Ash forced himself up to meet Eiji's gaze. Angering Eiji would make this more painful. It was better just to listen and get it over with.
"Ash," Eiji said softly. "Nothing bad is going to happen to you." He paused. "Can I hug you?"
Ash had no idea why Eiji framed his command as a question. If he wanted to hug Ash, he would. When had it ever mattered what Ash wanted?
"Sure do whatever you want." He shrugged hoping it came off as nonchalant.
Eiji frowned. "I didn't ask you if I wanted to. I asked if I could hug you. Do you want me to hug you or not? You can say no."
Ash tried not to roll his eyes. He knew what Eiji was doing. Golzine had done this to him many times. He would phrase his commands like a question. It made it sound like Ash had a choice and gave an illusion of freedom or control. Of course, there was always a right answer. Wrong answers got him hit. Golzine did this to give himself power over Ash. He acted like he was spoiling Ash by giving him a choice and used it against him when Ash tried to disobey him.
Even so at that moment Ash suddenly realized he didn't care. He had let his guard down all day. He had been vulnerable. Now he wanted to put his walls up. He wanted to challenge Eiji. Ash didn't want to give in. Who cared if he was in an alternate dimension? Ash was going to fight, just like how he had started fighting Golzine. He was tired of all this. He wouldn't be Eiji's plaything. If Eiji gave him a choice, well Ash would just have to make the wrong choice.
"I don't want you to hug me." Ash tensed waiting for Eiji's expression to darken. He waited for the anger to take over. He waited for Eiji to raise a hand against him and yell. Eiji was smaller than him but he must have some way of keeping Ash in check.
Eiji looked at him with an unreadable expression. Then he nodded sadly and snuggled back into bed. With a sigh, he pulled the blanket to his neck and turned to look at Ash again. Ash was surprised by the gentle expression on his face.
"Ok, do you want to talk about it?"
This again? "No." Ash wondered why Eiji would actually want to hear about his life. Why did any of it matter?
"Alright then, I'm going to read a book for the next hour or so." Eiji picked up a book on the side table. "If you want to talk about it or cuddle just ask, ok?"
"Yeah," Ash said faintly his anxiety slowly dissolving. That was it? Just say no and Eiji would leave him alone? When did that ever work? When did he ever actually have a choice? Ash felt overwhelmed. He had just defended himself without using power. He didn't need Eiji to fear him to leave him alone. As his panic subsided, he suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to cry. Ash sniffed as he tried to wipe the tears away. Why was he crying now of all times? He never cried in front of someone else. At the sound, Eiji looked up from his book. Ash turned away ashamed. He heard Eiji get out of bed and turned to watch him. Eiji went to the closet and returned with a pillow.
"Here." He handed it to Ash. "Try snuggling with this." Ash looked away again his cheeks heating up. Great now Eiji knew how pitiful he was. Just a weak pathetic broken piece of garbage.
"Ash it's ok to cry," Eiji said gently. "You don't need to be strong all the time." His voice held no judgment. Ash curled up with the pillow and pressed it to his face. He could hear Eiji going back to his book. Hugging the pillow helped transfer his emotions into an activity. Soon Ash felt himself calming. After a while, Ash felt it was safe to uncurl from the pillow. He turned and saw that Eiji was still reading his book. Ash watched Eiji read in silence.
When the clock read 11:30 Eiji looked up at it and yawned. He glanced over at Ash "I'm going to try to get some sleep. Are you going to be alright?"
"Fine." Ash's voice was hoarse from the crying.
"Alright, try to get to sleep too ok? If you need anything just wake me." He started into Ash's eyes. "I'd rather you feel better than get a good night's sleep so don't worry about me." Ash started into those big dark eyes and knew Eiji meant every word of it. He truly wanted Ash to be alright. Ash marveled at how Eiji's eyes always gazed into his and never down at his body. It made him feel human, treasured, whole. Ash nodded and Eiji clicked off the light.
The darkness once again surrounded Ash but now it felt safe and comforting. The bed shook a little as Eiji lay down and pulled the blanket to his neck. After only a few minutes he was fast asleep. Ash watched his silhouette in the dark slowly rise and fall with each breath. Ash wasn't feeling tired at all. Instead, his emotions were still on high alert, replaying Eiji and his interactions.
Ash had overreacted. Of course, they had a healthy relationship in this dimension. Everything was better in this dimension. As he lay there in the darkness something Eiji said came back to him. Eiji had asked if he was having a relapse. He knew how Ash was feeling and why he didn't want to be touched. That meant Ash's past was either the same or at least very similar. This didn't fit with his alternate universe theory. If Ash was broken, then why would Eiji want him? There was no way someone like Ash would be allowed, in any dimension, to have a good life. Why did Eiji choose him? Eiji was attractive enough to get a more suitable husband. Why go with a broken mess like him?
Ash frowned into the pillow he was hugging. Eiji didn't make any sense. Even in this perfect world, he seemed to…pure. Ash doubted there were any humans quite like Eiji in any dimension. He knew what Ash was, yet he treated him like a human. He never took but always gave. He was kind and funny. There were only four types of people that existed in Ash's world. First, the ones who tried to control him. Second, the ones who looked up to him as a leader. Third those one equal ground who had your back. Fourth, the normal people who wanted nothing to do with you. Eiji seemed like he was part of the last category, but he clearly wanted something to do with him. He put up with Ash's freak out and stayed up with him to make sure he was alright. Eiji didn't mind if he was weak. He seemed to like Ash just the way he was. Eiji didn't feel real. He felt like an angel.
Ash blinked in the dark as his mind spun a new theory. What if he wasn't physically here? What if he had died? Ash had fallen through the boards of an abandoned building. Maybe he didn't wake up at all. Ash mulled it over. If that was the case, he would be in the afterlife, but that would make this heaven. Ash knew he didn't belong in heaven. This couldn't be hell though; angels didn't belong in hell and Eiji was surely an angel.
Ash's heart pounded at the thought. It was strange to be dead and still have a heartbeat. He briefly wondered if that disproved his theory but then again, he didn't even believe in an afterlife until now. Maybe you still had a heartbeat in heaven. Maybe heaven was just like Earth only perfect. Everything else seemed to fit. After all, he never met a human who was like Eiji. Eiji gave without taking and asked permission before touching him. The world was full of people who wanted to crush him. He constantly needed to prove his worth in order to move an inch. Eiji didn't care though. Ash had fallen through the floor of an abandoned building and now was in a cute little apartment in the middle of Japan with an angel for a husband. What else could he even what? This had to be paradise. Life never let him be happy and he was happy now, therefore he must be dead. Eiji was an angel who was sent to him to live as his husband. They were just playing house, but it made Ash feel so incredibly happy.
Ash knew he should be disappointed. He didn't finish everything he wanted to do on Earth. He still owed Shorter money and wanted to get a new weapon supplier. His gang needed a leader. Arthur was still acting up and threatening to leave his gang. He wanted to get his revenge on Golzine. He still had that whole territorial war to deal with on Earth. Then there was his brother who was still on some sort of drugs and Skip who needed someone to look after him. Ash knew he should be curing his luck that, after surviving so much, a weak floor took him out. He really should be furious but….
Instead, he was just relieved.
There was no pain here. No more suffering. No more struggling. He could cry and show emotion without losing anything. He could do what he wanted. He had an angel watching over him. His words meant something, and he could control who touched him and who didn't. He ate good food and slept in a comfortable bed. Apparently, he had a job working at a school. People around town knew him. There were no gangs, no mafia, no Golzine, no creepy old men, no fighting, and no death.
As Ash thought about it, he realized he really didn't want to go back to Earth. Maybe if he was given a chance that would be different but if he was dead then there was no way back. This was his final destination. He was free. With that though he started drifting sleep.