Thoth

I spin around on my spinning chair, enjoying the moment. The beautiful sound of my guitar fills the air. My office here is not as grand as I'd like it to be. Maybe because I'm comparing it to my old laboratory in Egypt. Back home, I used to have the most impressive study. Up until the Romans destroyed it, of course. Here the ceiling rises only ten meters, with one side of the office all windows, looking out over the Memphis skyline. Metal stairs lead up to a loft dominated by an enormous telescope and my spinning chair. The other walls of the office are crammed with bookshelves. I hear they've opened a new library in town. Hope I don't forget to visit it later. Of course, with my godly perception of time later could end up being in 100 years. In which case it might be closed already. But if it isn't, I should visit. Worktables overflow with chemistry sets, half-assembled computers and stuffed animals with electrical wires sticking out of their heads. Half a dozen ibises sit behind desks, typing on laptops about my discoveries. The air smells like beef. Yes, what a nice moment. I smile to myself, looking out the window, and begin to play a new melody.

And then, the door to my office opens.

"Agh!" someone calls out.

I stop strumming and stand up, electric guitar in hand.

"Fascinating." I grin at the baboon. "I've discovered something, Khufu. This is not Memphis, Egypt. I've also discovered a new form of magic called blues music. And barbecue. Yes, you must try barbecue."

Khufu looks unimpressed. He climbs to the top of a bookshelf, grabs a box of Cheerios, and begins to munch. Yeah, living with Kane he must have already learnt about this stuff, eh? Ma'at is right, I should really get out more.

Khufu has brought friends with him, I see. I slide down to banister to greet my guests. But as I lend in front of the teenagers, I recognize who it is. Not them again!

"Isis and Horus," I say. "I see you've found new bodies."

"Um, we're not—" the girl stutters.

"Oh, I see," I say. "Trying to share the body, eh? Don't think I'm fooled for a minute, Isis. I know you're in charge."

"But she's not!" Isis protests. "My name is Sadie Kane. I assume you're Thoth?"

I raise an eyebrow. Maybe the girl is in control. "You claim not to know me? Of course I'm Thoth. Also called Djehuti. Also called—"

Sadie (or maybe Isis?) stifles a laugh. "Ja-hooty?"

I almost gasp. "In Ancient Egyptian, it's a perfectly fine name. The Greeks called me Thoth. Then later they confused me with their god Hermes. Even had the nerve to rename my sacred city Hermopolis, though we're nothing alike. Believe me, if you've ever met Hermes—"

"Agh!" Khufu yells through a mouthful of Cheerios.

"You're right," I agree. "I'm getting off track. So you claim to be Sadie Kane. And..." I swing a finger toward the boy, who seems to be watching the ibises type on their laptops. "I suppose you're not Horus."

"Carter Kane," says 'Carter', still distracted by the ibises' screens. "What is that?"

I look at the laptops excitedly. None of the baboons ask about this stuff. Or seem to care, for that matter. "Yes, they're called computers. Marvelous, aren't they? Apparently—"

"No, I mean what are the birds typing?" Oh. Carter squints and reads from the screen. "'A Short Treatise on the Evolution of Yaks'?"

"My scholarly essays," I explain. "I try to keep several projects going at once. For instance, did you know this university does not offer majors in astrology or leechcraft? Shocking! I intend to change that. I'm renovating new headquarters right now down by the river. Soon Memphis will be a true center of learning!"

"That's brilliant," Isis says halfheartedly. "We need help defeating Set."

Of course. As if anyone would visit ye good ol' Thoth just to talk. The ibises stop typing and stare at her.

I wipe the barbeque sauce off my mouth. She can't be serious.

"You have the nerve to ask this after last time?"

"Last time?" Isis repeats.

"I have the account here somewhere..." I pat the pockets of my lab coat, pull out a rumpled piece of paper and scan it "No, grocery list."

I toss the grocery list over my shoulder and check my sleeves. The symbols, dancing through my lab coat, have crowded up most of my arm. I brush off some letters to makes space and continue searching. Seven letters flutter to the floor, forming a word: crawdad. The word morphs into a slimy crustacean, like a shrimp, which wiggles its legs for only a moment before an ibis snaps it up.

"Ah, never mind," I say at last. "I'll just tell you the short version: To avenge his father, Osiris, Horus challenged Set to a duel. The winner would become king of the gods."

"Horus won," Chorus says.

"You do remember!"

"No, I read about it."

"And do you remember that without my help, Isis and you both would've died? Oh, I tried to mediate a solution to prevent the battle. That is one of my jobs, you know: to keep balance between order and chaos. But no-o-o, Isis convinced me to help your side because Set was getting too powerful. And the battle almost destroyed the world."

He complains too much, I hear Isis think. It wasn't so bad.

"No?" I ask. "Set stabbed out Horus's eye."

"Ouch." Horus blinks.

"Yes, and I replaced it with a new eye made of moonlight. The Eye of Horus—your famous symbol. That was me, thank you very much. And when you cut off Isis's head—"

I got better, Isis thinks.

"Only because I healed you, Isis!" I say. "And yes, Carter, Horus, whatever you call yourself, you were so mad, you cut off her head. You were reckless, you see—about to charge Set while you were still weak, and Isis tried to stop you. That made you so angry you took your sword— Well, the point is, you almost destroyed each other before you could defeat Set. If you start another fight with the Red Lord, beware. He will use chaos to turn you against each other."

We'll defeat him again. Thoth is just jealous.

"Shut up!" me and Isis's host say at the same time.

I look at her, frankly surprised. "So, Sadie...you are trying to stay in control. It won't last. You may be blood of the pharaohs, but Isis is a deceptive, power-hungry—"

"I can contain her," Sadie says.

"Don't be so sure. Isis probably told you she helped defeat Set. Did she also tell you she was the reason Set got out of control in the first place? She exiled our first king."

"You mean Ra?" Carter says. "Didn't he get old and decide to leave the earth?"

I snort. "He was old, yes, but he was forced to leave. Isis got tired of waiting for him to retire. She wanted her husband, Osiris, to become king. She also wanted more power. So one day, while Ra was napping, Isis secretly collected a bit of the sun god's drool."

"Eww," Isis's host says. "Since when does drool make you powerful?"

I scowl at her accusingly. "You mixed the spit with clay to create a poisonous snake. That night, the serpent slipped into Ra's bedroom and bit him on the ankle. No amount of magic, even mine, could heal him. He would've died—"

"Gods can die?" Carter asks.

"Oh, yes. Of course most of the time we rise again from the Duat—eventually. But this poison ate away at Ra's very being. Isis, of course, acted innocent. She cried to see Ra in pain. She tried to help with her magic. Finally she told Ra there was only one way to save him: Ra must tell her his secret name."

"Secret name?" Sadie asks. "Like Bruce Wayne?"

"Everything in Creation has a secret name. Even gods. To know a being's secret name is to have power over that creature. Isis promised that with Ra's secret name, she could heal him. Ra was in so much pain, he agreed. And Isis healed him."

"But it gave her power over him," Carter guesses.

"Extreme power," I agree. "She forced Ra to retreat into the heavens, opening the way for her beloved, Osiris, to become the new king of the gods. Set had been an important lieutenant to Ra, but he could not bear to see his brother Osiris become king. This made Set and Osiris enemies, and here we are five millennia later, still fighting that war, all because of Isis."

"But that's not my fault!" Isis 's host says. "I would never do something like that."

"Wouldn't you?" I ask her. "Wouldn't you do anything to save your family, even if it upset the balance of the cosmos?"

My eyes lock on hers. "No, Thoth," she croaks. "You have to believe me. I'm in control—me, Sadie—and I need your help. Set has our father."

She tells me their story, from the British Museum exploding to Set's current plan. I listen without commenting. This whole situation seems like such an interesting case study.

"Just look at something for us," she finishes. "Carter, hand him the book."

Carter rummages through his bag and brings out the book they say they've stolen in Paris. "You wrote this, right?" he says. "It tells how to defeat Set."

I unfold the papyrus pages and immediately feel like dying. "Oh, dear. I hate reading my old work. Look at this sentence. I'd never write it that way now." I patt my lab coat pockets. "Red pen—does anyone have one?"

One fireball, I hear Isis plead inside her host's head. Just one enormous magical fireball, please?

"Look, Thoth," Sadie says, instead of frying me. Very much appreciated. "Ja-hooty, whatever. Set is about to destroy North America at the very least, possibly the world. Millions of people will die. You said you care about balance. Will you help us or not?"

I know I can't trust Isis. I never could, and I never will be able to. She's done this before, persuaded me to be on their side. Why does this always happen when I'm trying to stay neutral? But if what they're saying is true, if those kids are really in control… And if the dots connecting in my head right now are correct… Then, Ma'ast, my dear wife, I pray to you that I'm wrong for once in my life. Plus, how do I know if they're worthy of the knowledge my writing posses? Isis, at least when on her own, sure isn't. I need to test them. Maybe Elvis can help.

"You are in trouble," I say finally. "So let me ask, why do you think your father put you in this position? Why did he release the gods?"

"My mum saw the future," Sadie guesses. "Something bad was coming. I think she and Dad were trying to stop it. They thought the only way was to release the gods."

Oh, I know exactly what her mother saw. I've seen it, too.

"Even though using the power of the gods is incredibly dangerous for mortals," I press, "and against the law of the House of Life—a law that I convinced Iskandar to make, by the way."

"I think my mum convinced Iskandar that the rule was wrong. Maybe he couldn't admit it publicly, but she made him change his mind. Whatever is coming—it's so bad, gods and mortals are going to need each other."

"And what is coming?" I ask in a coy tone. "The rise of Set?"

She hesitates, as if having spotted the trick question.

"Maybe," she says carefully, "but I don't know."

Up on the bookshelf, Khufu belches. He bares his fangs in a messy grin.

"You have a point, Khufu," I agree. "She does not sound like Isis. Isis would never admit she doesn't know something."

I toss the book back at Carter. "Let's see if you act as well as you talk. I will explain the spell book, provided you prove to me that you truly have control of your gods, that you're not simply repeating the same old patterns."

"A test?" Carter says. "We accept."

"Now, hang on," Sadie protests.

But the pharaoh of the gods has already spoken.

"Wonderful," Thoth says. "There is an item of power I require from a magician's tomb. Bring it to me."

"Which magician's tomb?" Sadie asks.

I take a piece of chalk from my lab coat and scribble a hieroglyph in the air. A doorway opens in front of me.

"How did you do that?" Sadie asks. "Bast said we can't summon portals during the Demon Days."

"Mortals can't," I agree. "But a god of magic can. If you succeed, we'll have barbecue."

The doorway pills them in before they can respond.

"Khufu!" I call up the baboon.

"Agh?"

"Fetch me some clay, would you? We have work to do!"

"Ghu!"