Living in heaven was both amazing and terrifying. It was amazing because every moment felt treasured and pure. Eiji would drag Ash out of bed in the morning and they would eat breakfast together. If Eiji had work, he would leave, and Ash would try to help out around the house. If Eiji didn't have work, they would go out and enjoy the day. Ash wished he could enjoy it to the fullest but there was always a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Even though he was happy, he felt he didn't deserve it. He didn't know why he got Eiji in the first place and was afraid he would lose him. It was a terrifying thought. What if he woke up one day and found Eiji gone? What if he found the apartment old and shabby? What if he found old men waiting for him with lustful eyes promising an eternity of torment? Now that Ash was happy, he was hyper-aware how easily it could be removed.
On the third day in paradise, Ash managed to set a pan on fire while cooking. The fire alarm went off as the dark smoke spiraled upwards. Eiji gasped and fell out of his chair where he was cutting green peppers. Ash's mind went on automatic and he grabbed the nearest cloth and ran it under the water for a few seconds. Then he threw it over the pan. There was a loud hiss, and the fire went out. The room filled with the smell of smoke and burnt food. Eiji wrinkled his nose and got up to shut off the fire alarm.
Ash gingerly picked up the cloth. The food was burnt and charred, beyond salvation. Ash stared hopelessly at it, his chest tightening. He had wasted food. Eiji wouldn't be happy about this. Although it was a small thing, Ash's mind didn't want to let it go. Irrational thoughts started forming in his head. What if this was enough to make Eiji want to leave him? Ash had already shown too much weakness. He tried to reason with himself. Eiji told him it was alright to show emotions. This wasn't Earth. He wasn't going to be punished for every mistake. Perhaps it was alright to almost set a kitchen on fire. Ash watched Eiji surveyed the scorched meal. He eyed it for a moment before signing deeply.
"Well, I suppose we were due for another accident. Let's order out." Eiji suggested lightly. Ash felt the tightness release from his chest and he almost sighed in relief. Eiji wasn't judging him. It was alright. Now that, that fear was out of the way, Ash started to feel ashamed. He had just wasted Eiji's hard-earned cash. Why couldn't he just cook like a normal person? Was he really this broken?
Ash bowed his head "Sorry."
"Eh, it wasn't as bad as last time," Eiji said breezily picking up his phone. "What do you want?" he glanced over at Ash. "Something Japanese or something American?" Ash paused. He wasn't sure if this was a question with a right answer or not. Since it was Eiji he guessed it was up to him.
"Pizza?" Ash asked tentatively. To his relief, Eiji nodded and dialed his phone. While he talked on the phone, Ash went over to the mess on the counter frowning. He didn't know why he got an angel in the first place, but he knew he didn't want Eiji to leave. It was pathetic how desperate he had become. When Ash was on Earth, could deflect anything someone said about him. He withstood pain and horror at the hands of Golzine. He had fought against his captors and ran a gang. When he was on Earth, he scoffed at eternal damnation, after all, it couldn't be worse than how he was already living.
Things were so different now. He was learning what peace felt like. He now knew how it felt to be treasured and cared for. He was aware of how much he would lose if he messed this up. Ash knew he was wasting time worrying. Eventually, someone would realize their mistake and send him back to hell where he belonged. He should be steeling himself for the moment when that happened. Instead, his mind continued to be weak. Ash picked up the piece of cloth and saw a half-burnt heart still smiling up at him.
"ありがとございま" Eiji hung up and turned around. He noticed Ash staring at the cloth. "Is everything ok?"
Ash slowly turned while unfolded the singed apron. The "Hot Stuff" apron was a mess. The cake was completely unrecognizable and some of the hearts had nasty burn marks on them. Eiji eyed it.
"Did you use it to put out the fire on purpose" Eiji folded his arms. Ash paused, a new thought occurring to him. What if he was in heaven to be evaluated? What if each of his mistakes counted up against him until it became too much and he was sent to hell? If so, how many chances did he have left? Ash couldn't tell if Eiji was serious or not about the apron.
"I didn't," Ash said putting it down. "It's just coincident."
"Hmmm." Eiji narrowed his eyes. "I bet you set the fire to get rid of the apron." Ash's heart started hammering again. It looked like Eiji did care after all. Ash's mind started quickly coming up with multiple excuses and explications.
"No, I…" Ash petered off when he saw Eiji smiling. Right, it was just a joke, of course, it was. Eiji wouldn't lose his temper over the stupid apron. That surely didn't count against him. Eiji didn't even like that apron in the first place. Ash took a shaky breath. He needed to get a hold of himself. If he kept worrying about each little thing, he was bound to make a major mistake that would cost him paradise. He needed to breathe.
"Well, it's no big loss." Eiji chuckled lightly "I'll make sure to buy a new apron next time they're on sale." An evil glint flashed in Eiji's eyes. "I was thinking of a fun pumpkin one?"
Ash gasped at him all previous thoughts vanishing. Eiji knew his fear of pumpkins? That wasn't good. "You wouldn't dare." Eiji threw the apron in the trash, laughing. The sound vibrated through Ash calming him. Eiji's laughter always did that. There was truly no other sound as joyous and pure. Ash let it soothe him until he could smile freely along with Eiji.
On the fourth day in paradise, Ash learned that angels lacked certain things humans had such as taste buds and a sense of smell. It was the only explanation for the horror waiting for him at breakfast. Ash had entered the kitchen that morning to find a bowl of something unrecognizable sitting on the table. Ash sniffed it experimentally only to draw his head back gagging. He peered cautiously into the bowl. Inside was rice and beans covered with some sticky substance. It looked like some demonic force had just given birth to a new entity inside his bowl. Ash glanced over at Eiji who was grabbing some milk from the fridge. He wondered if someone or something had switched their breakfasts while his back was turn. Eiji's cooking usually was amazing and Ash always looked forward to eating it. Eiji came back to the table with two glasses of milk. He put them down before sitting. He didn't look remotely surprised to see the abomination in front of him.
Ash squinted at the angel. Eiji almost looked…joyous. He was staring at the food with an excited gleam in his eyes. Ash wondered if he was not awake enough to really see what was in from of him. Surely Eiji should be horrified or at least gagging at the smell. When Eiji did neither Ash finally asked.
"What's this?"
"You know what it is." Eiji rolled his eyes and picked up his chopsticks. "Or did you forget it is Natto Tuesday?" He smiled up at Ash. "I mixed yours together for you so you can't stall this time. Now eat up! It's good for you."
So this was Natto. Ash remembered that Eiji had threatened him with Natto before. He eyed the bowl wondering if Eiji was joking. No one, angel, human, or devil could actually eat such foods. This must be a prank of some sort. To his horror, Eiji took a helping of the nightmare and put it in his mouth. A shiver of pleasure ran down his body as he let out a long satisfied sigh. He sat there, his eyes closed, savoring the taste. After another moment he began eating again with almost indecent enthusiasm.
Ash watched him closely. Eiji seemed to be enjoying himself. Maybe it tasted better than it looked. Things could be deceiving in heaven. Angels could look like young men and paradise could look like Japan. Ash shrugged picked some up with his chopsticks. If Eiji enjoyed it, then it couldn't actually be that bad.
How wrong he was.
The second he closed his mouth over the food he gaged and dropped his chopsticks. The natto attacked his taste buds and threatened to upheave lunch. Ash forced himself to swallow before rushing to the sink and rinsing his mouth out with water. The water did nothing to help, it only spread the taste more evenly around his mouth. In a panic, Ash looked for something else to save him. His eyes landed on the glass of milk. Without another thought, he pounced on it and chugged it down. The relief from his agony was sweet. He sat down again as his body relaxed.
"You're so dramatic." Eiji chuckled. He looked like he was enjoying himself. "Natto isn't that bad." Ash stared at him incredulously. What kind of nonsense was this? There was no way Natto was an actual food that existent on any plain of reality. Did all angels lack taste buds or was it just Eiji? Eiji noticing his glare rolled his eyes in amusement.
"There's some cereal in the pantry if you really don't want to eat the natto." He took another bite of his own and gasped in pleasure. "Though I think you should eat more. I bet if you eat enough, you'll get used to it
Ash hesitated has suspicion started up in his mind. Was Eiji disappointed that he wasn't going to eat the natto? The food seemed to be important to him, unlike the apron. Maybe it was a test. Maybe the food was a way to see how he would react if given something he didn't like. Was part of a test? Was he being tested to see if he could keep living with Eiji? He had no idea how Heaven worked. Maybe he was overthinking it. Maybe he was underthinking it. Ash was so used to people using him he really couldn't tell if it worked the same in Heaven as on Earth.
If it was a test, he wasn't going to lose it. He was not going to hell over Natto. He had lost his purity and innocents on Earth, yet he kept soldering through. Surely eating the wretched breakfast was an easy task compared to his life back then. Taking a deep breath he faced his bowl again. Ash picked up some and swallowed it, ignoring the way his stomach clenched painfully. He took another and another.
"Ash." Eiji reached forward and took hold of his chopsticks. "Stop. You look like you're going to be sick."
"You want me to eat it right?" Ask frustrated.
"You don't need to eat it if you don't want to." Eiji's brow fullered. He looked concerned. Ash put down his chopsticks and got up. He went to the pantry and located a bag of cereal confusion still clouding his mind. If Eiji kept meaning what he said, what would happen when he stopped? Ash would start taking it for granted that he had a choice. He would fail whatever test or regulation that allowed him to have an angel in the first place. Perhaps this was hell after all. Ash had paradise in his hands but didn't know how to keep it. He would struggle to live perfectly but fail over and over until he lost his mind and was stripped of his privileges. He was being softened up. He was being prepared for hell.
"Ash?" Eiji as Ash returned to the table. Ash looked into the deep brown eyes of his honest angel and felt despair. Eiji was wonderful. He wanted to stay here in Japan with him forever. The devil's plan to ruin him was perfect. He couldn't blame Eiji, nor did he want to push him away. Ash resigned himself to the fact that Eiji would leave him and he would be alone. Until then he swore to try to stop worrying and enjoy paradise.
On the fifth day, Ash's heaven theory was shattered. He was sitting in the living room enjoying yet another Japanese translated book when Eiji came home. The second he entered the apartment Ash knew something was wrong. Instead of his tired but cheerful greetings, Eiji mumbled something halfheartedly in Japanese and stumbled through the door. He looked awful. His clothes and hair were sopping wet and his expression as dark and gloomy as the sky outside. He ignored Ash as he kicked off his shoes and dragged himself into their room. The bedroom door clicked shut, leaving an ominous silence behind. Ash stared at the closed door uncertainly. Should he follow him? Should he let Eiji be? When Eiji didn't emerge from the room after a good ten minutes, Ash decided to check on him.
Eiji was curled up in the middle of the bed. He had changed into his nightclothes and was hugging a pillow tightly. He didn't even look up when Ash entered the room.
"Are you alright?" Ash asked. Eiji gave a short grunt and hugged the pillow tighter Ash slowly approached him, unsure of what to do. He had never had to comfort someone before, especially not an angel.
"I met an old friend from college." Eiji said suddenly "He was doing well… He's a doctor now. He's married to an engineer. They're expecting their first child. Then he asked how I was doing… I just…felt so lame. The last time he saw me I was a big pole-vaulting star. Now look at me!" he sat up and spread his arms "I'm a simple photographer." He gave a weak laugh. "It's pathetic."
Ash was lost for words. This was way out of his league. He had no idea what to say. He always dealt with tough love growing up. His father told him to deal with his own problems and Golzine would punish him if he showed weakness. If his gang complained, he would tell them to suck it up. He didn't have time for people to whine to him. He would take care of their needs to make sure his men were safe and got shelter and food but that was the extent of it. Even little Skip, who he was fond of, knew better than to complain too much. It wasn't that Ash wouldn't hear him out, but he wasn't in a position to offer any condolences. Showing weakness meant death in that world. It was better to put up a front.
Eiji was different. Eiji lived in paradise. There was no reason to put up a front here. Eiji had broken down Ash's defenses and showed him it was alright to cry. Suddenly Ash wanted to do that same. He desperately wanted to reach out to him. Ash sat down next to Eiji and took a deep breath.
"Who cares what he's doing? You guys live different lives." Ash silently cursed himself. His voice sounded rough and cold to his own ears. He tried again softer "You like your job, right?"
"But I can't help but feel I'm holding you back. You deserve an Olympus Pole Vaulter, not a second-rate photographer. Why did you choose me?"
"What?" Ash stared at him, his mind trying to wrap around his words. Eiji had been nothing short of a miracle since Ash got there. He made this place into a paradise; Ash couldn't imagine it getting better than this.
"I don't deserve anything" all Ash's crimes flashed through his brain. "Especially not you."
Eiji shook his head but didn't say anything. Ash looked helplessly around. He really didn't know what to do. Fighting was easy. Putting up walls were easy. Comforting an angel? He knew he had to do something, anything to get Eiji's mind off of this. If his men had low morale, he would take them drinking. Drinking didn't seem like a good solution but maybe another distraction.
"Let's watch a movie." Ash got up. "I'll make popcorn. You choose what we watch." Maybe he was just avoiding Eiji's pain. Maybe he should talk about it, but he really didn't know Eiji that well. They came from different worlds. Eiji came from peace and normality and Ash came from violence and death. Communication would probably fail.
When Ash got back to the living room with a big bowl of popcorn, Eiji was waiting for him with a DVD of some Japanese movie. It was an action flick about a guy trying to save his family. Eiji had put on subtitles so Ash could follow along. Ash didn't watch much of the movie though. His mind had wandered to Eiji. His husband's breakdown did not fit the heaven theory. Eiji had insecurities and needed comforting. Angels were supposed to be perfect right? As hard as it was to fathom, Eiji was human.
Why did you choose me?
What did Eiji mean by that? Didn't Eiji choose Ash? What situation would lead Ash to have a choice in anything as important as finding a spouse? The two characters on screen were having an epic battle but Ash was barely paying attention. If this wasn't heaven, then where the hell, was he? Who or what the hell was Eiji? How did he get here? What did it mean? Who was behind it? Even though he was relieved that there wasn't a higher power deciding whether or not he got to stay with Eiji, it also meant he was back to square one... Ash wanted to scream in frustration. Instead, he forced himself to calm down. Right now he needed Eiji to feel better. He could try to figure this out later.
On the sixth day, Ash had a nightmare. It had started off innocent enough. Little Ash had gone to the beach with Griff. He was playing in the water while Griff set up their blanket and picnic basket. The seaweed ticked little Ash's feet and he giggled. Suddenly the seaweed tangled around his feet. Ash gasped and tried to break free. He couldn't see below the surface of the inky water. He cried for help but when he looked to the shore, Griff was gone. The seaweed yanked him below the surface. Ash took one more breath of air before he was submerged in the shadowy depths. He could barely see anything. The light above was getting dimmer the lower he sunk. He was suffocating. He couldn't escape. He again tried to free his legs and found that what was holding him wasn't seaweed.
They were hands. Clammy men's hands dragging him along. More were rising up from the shadows and joining the other hands. Ash tried to break free and suddenly he hit a glass wall. He was looking out in a store display. A price tag hanging around his arm. Men were eyeing his tag, hunger in their eyes. Golzine was buying him from his father.
Then there was a bed. The men were back again surrounding the bed, towering over him as he cowered and shook. The hands were reaching, grabbing him. The men were laughing. Their eyes glowed with desire. They were beasts. The hands felt cold and clammy. He was shrinking in their grasp. He was falling. He wanted to scream but no sound left his lips. The hands were holding him down. They were squeezing him.
Ash woke up gasping for breath. He could still feel the hands pinning him to the bed. He could still hear their jeers and laughter echoing through his head. The shadows seemed to be pressing in still. One looked like Golzine, dark and twisted. The Golzine shadow stared coolly down at Ash, reminding him that he owned him. The chains on his arms and legs made it so he couldn't move. The hands made it so he couldn't breathe. He couldn't stop them. His mind tried to grasp at reality. He was awake, right? Shouldn't it all go away? He tried to struggle. Golzine laughed harshly.
"Ash?" Eiji's voice cut through the darkness. Ash's eyes flickered towards the voice. He wanted to reach out. He needed help. He didn't want to be alone with the shadows. He tried to open his lips but they wouldn't move. The hands continued to come. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't stop them.
"Ash are you awake?" A new shadow was looming over him, Eiji's. It eclipsed Golzine's. He wanted to scream. He wanted to be pulled out of this mess. Golzine sneered from behind Eiji. He told him it was what he deserved for all his crimes. He was a murder. He was just paying the price.
Then suddenly Ash could move again. Curling his legs up to his torso he gasps, trying to fill his heavy lungs with much-needed air. The shadows were still there. They laughed as he struggled to breathe, pressed down on his chest.
"Ash calm down!" Eiji's voice rang out over the laughter. "It's just a nightmare."
"I…I…I couldn't move." Ash gasped. The hands were pressing too tight. More of them were emerging from the shadows. Ash closed his eyes for a moment begging his mind to release him from his lingering dreams.
"It was probably sleep paralysis." Eiji leaned it. "Ash listens to my voice. You need to breathe. Breath in slowly…..now breath out slowly." Ash tried to listen through the men's laughter. He sucked in a slow stream of air. "Breath in….Breath out….Breath in…breath out…" If Ash concentered really hard, he could hear and follow Eiji's commands. The hand reluctantly let go of him and his chest expanded. Ash began to shake uncontrollably. The hands were still there. Golzine was still there. The breathing exercise had only temporarily stalled them. They were already starting to creep back, reaching for his arms and legs.
"Ash, can I hold you?" Eiji's words took a long time to sink through Ash's muddled brain. Hug him? He didn't feel like it mattered. The men had already polluting him. His body was tarnished. Who cares if someone else touched it?
Eiji won't touch you if you don't want to be touched.
But he wanted to be held. He wanted to be told it was alright. He was sick of waking up and dealing with this alone. He was sick of his half wake panic mind conjuring up shadows and memories even after he woke from his dreams. Nodding mutely he sat up slowly. Ash tried not to tense as a pair of arms emerged from the darkness and wrapped around him. Like the last time, Eiji's touched did not stray. He pulled him closed and laid Ash's head on his chest. The sound of Eiji's heartbeat filled Ash's ears. The warmth of Eiji's arm enveloped him.
The shadows were angry. They roared and demanded that Eiji return Ash to them. Their arms sneaked closer trying to grab at him. They wanted to touch him, to own him, to control him, but now there was something blocking them. Eiji arms were a secure shelter. They formed a barrier that held Ash above the sea of suffocating darkness and away from the lustful hands. Golzine's voice growled at him that he was his property. He accused Ash of looking for comfort when he was a criminal. The other voices began chanting "whore, murder, trash, filth". Ash pushed his head against Eiji's chest, trembling. Eiji's heartbeat thumped rhythmically, slowly drowning out the chant. It promises forgiveness and redemption. Soon the shadows started giving up and slithered back onto the walls. Golzine was the last to leave. He glared back at Eiji before slinking into the shadow of a large tree outside.
Ash's breath slowed as the panic subsided. His shaking ceased and he was able to think clearly. He was safe here. Nothing could hurt him. He wasn't in New York. He wasn't in their grasps. He was in Japan with Eiji. He was protected. He was treasured. He was human. As his mind continued to wake and he gained control over his thoughts again, he became aware he was clinging to Eiji's shirt. He let go but didn't pull away. Instead, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply, leaning farther into Eiji's embraces. Maybe Eiji wasn't a real angel but he was an angel to Ash.
On the seventh day, Ash hears it. There was another voice in his head. It called his name as he was getting ready to go for a walk with Eiji. Ash paused in buttoning up his coat and concentrated on it. As he did it got closer. He became aware that it was his own voice. At the same time he became aware that if he kept on listening to it, he would be sent home. Ash's heart started hammering. He could go back. This was his chance. He could leave and return to New York.
Last night flashed through his head. The shadow's, his nightmares, Eiji's comforting arms. Then more memories of the week. Cooking, laughing, talking, and walking with Eiji. Sharing a nice apartment together. Could he really lose all that? He wondered if he really wanted to leave. Staying meant facing the uncertainty of his situation and the truth that Eiji could leave at any moment. Going back meant facing each day ready for battle. Going back also meant having men look at him with lust in their eyes. It meant having to deal with Golzine. It meant waking up alone and dealing with the nightmares. Going back meant it was not ok to cry anymore.
Ash couldn't do it, but he knew he had to. He had work to do. It was all fine and well when he thought he couldn't return but now facing reality he knew he couldn't leave his gang out in the cold. He knew he couldn't actually let Griff waste away or Golzine win. He knew he had to go back.
Ash grimaced. He knew he had to leave… but did he have to leave now? Would it hurt if he stayed here a little while longer? Would it matter if he took a few more days of normality before entering hell again? Perhaps it was alright to stay for a few days.
"Give me another week." He begged the voice. He wanted longer. Once he got his fill of Eiji, this apartment, and the feeling of safety, he would willingly go back. The little voice ignored his pleas as it kept calling out.
"Ash ready to go?" Eiji peaked his head around the corner of the hall. Ash pushed the little voice back and focused on reality. He would deal with it later.
"Yeah," Ash said heading towards Eiji. "I'm ready."