He could feel a bed under him. It wasn't as comfortable as the one in Japan. The smell of sweat, cigarettes, and dirt filled his nose. The sounds of cars honking outside and the mumbles of multiple voices surrounded him. Even without opening his eyes, he knew.

He was back.

"Boss!"

A cry of shock and relief echoed around the room as Ash sat up. He was at his base, lying in a moldy old bed. The place looked more run-down than he remembered. Was the wallpaper always that torn? Was there always that lingering smell of decay and trash in the air? Was the lighting always this bad? He had gotten used to the clean apartment in Japan that he had forgotten what his reality looked like. Ash pulled off the blankets and turned to face his gang. They were watching him uncertainty. Alex was standing the closes, or at least as close as he dared to get when Ash had only just woken up. His gang had learned from experience that getting to close lead to disasters. Ash took a few seconds to rearrange his face and make sure all his emotions were under lock and key. He wouldn't look disappointed. They needed a strong leader.

Nodding his head, he gave his gang permission to approach. They scurried forward. Ash looked into their faces as they waited to see if he was alright and found himself missing Eiji. Ash pushed that thought away. Now that he was back, he needed to become a leader again. If he wanted to leave here alive and meet Eiji, he would have to do better in order to survive.

"Boss?" Alex stepped up next to him. "How are you feeling?" Ash considered him for a moment.

"Fine. What day is it?"

"It's the 18th."

Ash mentally did the calculations. It seemed like his future self was telling the truth. While he got almost two weeks in Japan, his future self was only here for three days.

"I've been gone for three days." He mused. His gang shot each other looks. Ash could sense their concern. He narrowed his eyes. Something was wrong.

"What happened in the last few days?" his cool tone caused a few men to shrink back. "You don't remember?" Alex asked nervously.

"No, enlighten me." Ash wondered what his future self did. He was Ash so he should know how to run the gang. Perhaps he had been in paradise for too long and forgot how things were back in his teen years. The thought would have irritated Ash if it wasn't for the fact that it would be him in paradise in a few years. A spark of warmth ran through his chest at that thought. He couldn't wait until that became normality.

"You were…out of it," Alex said bring Ash back to reality. "When you first woke you didn't remember anything. You kept asking if this was a joke."

Ash sympathizes with his future self. He was just as confused as Ash was when he woke up in Japan. Of course, Ash got it easy. He woke up in paradise while his past self woke up in hell.

"Then you got agitated and started muttering that you were back in hell." Alex didn't look like he wanted to continue. "You wanted us to find a guy named….Edgy? Eddy? When we told you we didn't know who that was you got angry."

Ash's pity deepened. His future self must have been devastated to find himself back in a world where no one knew Eiji.

"After that…." Alex glanced back at the other guys "Well Shorter will be here in a moment to explain. He was with you that first day and through….most of it."

Ash's pity disappeared replaced by dread. Most of what? What did he do? He hoped it wasn't anything that would jeopardize him or his men. Before he could ask, the door banged open, and Shorter lunged in. He stopped when he saw Ash.

"Soooo." He said slowly approaching. "Are you, you know, back to normal."

"Yep, I'm back," Ash said and Shorter visibly relaxed. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" When Ash shook his head Shorter sighed and flopped back into a nearby chair. "Man you must have hit your head hard."

"What happened?" Ash repeated.

Shorter was quiet for a second. "After you woke up, you came to find me. You were acting really…weird. You hugged me and repeated my name over and over. Then you promised that we could change things. You were all 'It won't end like that' and 'We'll work it out.'" he glanced over at Ash. "Stuff like that. You really don't remember?"

Ash shook his head bewildered. "What else did I say." Maybe it would give Ash a hint of what would happen in the future.

Shorter ran a hand through his mohawk smiled apologetically. "I wasn't really listening. We were in the middle of a neighboring gang's territory. If someone saw you acting like a loon, it would have been bad. You don't need more enemies because someone thought they could fight you. I just kept agreeing with you and trying to drag you away."

Ash let out a short huff of air. Although he understood where Shorter was coming from, he wished he had listened. It really could have helped.

"What happened next?"

Shorter paused. "You got frustrated and angry. You told me I was being stubborn, and pig-headed. You told me you were trying to help. Then you grabbed my arm and shouted at me to listen to you. It was wild. When you finally calmed down...you started begging me to listen. You said it was important and you would do anything no matter what it was." he sighed. "I had no idea what to do. I almost brought you to the hospital. I really thought something was wrong."

Ash listened his feeling of dread growing. What on Earth happened to make his future self act this way?

"Then…. you got depressed. You said that you couldn't change anything and that you were sorry. You just shut down. You just followed me around blankly."

"And then I returned to this room?" Ash prayed that was all he did. Shorter shook his head.

"Nope, you got weirdly generous. You brought flowers to Dr. Meredith to give to someone. Then you bought Skip a skateboard and not a cheap one either. It was a fancy one from that expensive sport's store downtown. He was over the moon."

At least someone was happy. Ash didn't want to think of how he had spent. He might have to go a few days without eating to make up for it. He wasn't going to ask Dino for money.

"After that, you brought me out for drinks and paid for the whole thing." Shorter grinned sheepishly. "I'll pay you back for that. You went overboard. It was fun at first but then you got stupidly drunk and wanted to go home. When I brought you back to the base you were upset and claimed it wasn't your home and that you wanted some dude named Eddy."

"Did I do anything else?" Ash hoped that was it. Shorter looked back at Alex.

"Not really." The second in command shrugged. "You stayed in here for the next two days and ran the gang. You were still off, but it wasn't too bad. Then about an hour ago, you told us…" Alex shared a look with Bones. "that you were going to sleep and that everything would return to normal when you woke. After that, you fell asleep and well." He gestured at Ash.

"I see." Ash had no idea what any of this meant. Why did he act strange around Shorter? Did they get into a fight? Were they enemies? Maybe they had left on bad terms and future Ash felt bad about it. Ash wished he demanded to know more about his future. His future self was wrong, Ash still remembered everything. He hated not knowing. It left him with a feeling of foreboding and unease. He pushed it down. Right now he needed to focus on the present.

"Never mind that." Ash got up. "I'm back now so let's get to work. Get me some food and fill me in on what's been going on in the last three days." He turned to Shorter. "I caused you a lot of problems..."

"It's cool man. I'm just glad you're back." Shorter patted him on the shoulder and left. His gang scrambled to do his bidding. Once he was alone, Ash allowed his face to relax. He felt drained after putting up a wall for only a couple of minutes. It would take a few days to readjust to life here. It was amazing how fast Eiji managed to tear down his walls. He missed him. Ash wondered how he was doing. Then he wondered what he was doing now at this time. A warm feeling spread across his chest as if a fire was lit in it. He just needed to wait a little longer.

Over the next few weeks, Ash kept busy planning and fighting the neighboring gang. Although it was slightly challenging at first, Ash quickly fell back into his old life. The one thing that was different was his optimism. Even after he completely adjusted, the flame still burned in his chest. It gave him hope for the future. Eiji was out there. Ash was going to meet him. He knew he was only a handful of years away from moving to Japan with Eiji. Paradise was in his reach. Everyday Ash eagerly waited for Eiji to arrive. It could happen at any point. Just the thought of seeing Eiji's bright smile made everything more manageable.

Weeks turned to a month. Ash was starting to feel a little desperate. He knew it might take a while for Eiji to show up, but his newfound optimism was getting exhausting. The cold and uncaring world kept pressing in on him and he knew if he didn't start shutting down, he could break. To make matters worse, Ash noticed that, with each passing day some of the smaller details of his life with Eiji faded. In the first couple of weeks, he could vividly recall the layout of the apartment and the town beyond. He could explain in great detail the smell of food cooking, the sound of Eiji humming, the feeling of chopsticks between his figures. Now he caught himself struggling to remember exactly where the bookcases were located or the exact smell of the meals Eiji would cook. This put him in a foul mood and his gang started avoiding him if they didn't have anything urgent to say. Inside, his flame dimmed.

As a second and third month rolled by, Ash's hope started turning into despair. The flame, which used to warm him, burned him and caused his stomach to turn. When was he going to meet Eiji? Each day felt like another weight was added on his back. It was easier to ignore the horrors of his life when he never experienced peace. Now he felt in full force what he was missing. He longed for Eiji's warm embrace and the safety of the apartment. Even those memories however were starting to fade. When Ash tried to recall Eiji's soft laughter he could only hear gunshots and screams. When he tried to recall the smell of homemade food, all he could smell of blood and steel. The memory of Eiji's gentle touch was being replaced by greedy men's hands. Ash wanted desperately to write his memories down before they faded but he was afraid to mess with time. He didn't want to write something only for someone else to find it. It could change the future and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his future with Eiji. Instead, he tried to speak them out loud when he was alone in a desperate attempt to shove them into his long-term memories. He would remember. He wouldn't forget like his future self had said he would.

By the sixth month, Ash had forgotten Eiji's name. It had come as a shock to him. Ash was in the middle of a meeting with his gang. They were going over their next move when suddenly he realized he couldn't remember his future husband's name. The realization had shaken him to the core. Ash tried to recall the man's face, but it was blurry and unfocused. All the details that used to be engraved in his mind were almost gone. Perhaps if he stayed longer than two weeks the memory would be stronger. He cursed his future self for taking him back so soon. It had taken him a few moments to realize he had stopped speaking in the middle of a sentence. His gang was watching him, uncertain of his sudden silence. He had been slightly off lately, and they didn't know how to react. Ash ended the meeting early and returned to his room.

Desperately he tried to remember the man. His name started with a R right? Or was it a B? E? W? O? He had no idea. Sitting alone in his room he started to doubt himself. Did he actually go to the future? It had felt so real back then, but now it felt more like a dream. He had hit his head when he fell. Did he just make up those two weeks? Ash pulled at his hair and begged future Ash to contact him. He wanted another week there. He needed to restock his memories. His head remained silent. Ash's flame sputtered and flickered.

A week after he forgot his future husband's name the nightmares returned. He had been having nightmares for a while but after waking up he would comfort himself with the knowledge that he wouldn't be alone forever. Back then he could still feel the protective arms wrapped around him. He had used the image to fight off his waking dream demons. He could no longer do this anymore. There weren't enough memories to stop the shadows from seeping in. He could no longer escape his fate. Curled up, he let them do what they want. He was tainted anyway. He was never going to get out of this. It was just wishful thinking. The flame flickered and went out as the cold hands suffocated it.

By the eighth month, the memory was all but gone. He couldn't remember what country the man came from. He didn't even remember who the man was to him. Ash stopped looking for foreigners. He stopped looking towards the future. The candle that had burned so brightly months ago was cold and dead. He resigned himself to his life, allowing the darkness to cover his feelings. His wall blocked out the light. Behind it, he felt a sense of relief. The numbness was comforting after so much hurt and despair.

After a year had past Ash barely remember if he had any good memories or dreams since Griff left. Sometimes, on quiet days when he was alone, he would catch himself trying to recall something that was just out of his grasp. He could never remember it so he would give up. It was probably not important. Ash had better things than to daydream.

"I'm the photographer from Japan. I want to ask about your gang for a magazine article."

Ash started bordly at the two foreigners. Charlie owed him big time for this stupid article. He really didn't want to deal with this today. The two men looked out of place standing among the rift raft of New York City. It was clear they've never been to a place like this before. People like them should just continue living their sheltered lives. Ash didn't have time to babysit.

"What do you want to know?

Both men tensed up at his words. Ash could practically hear them thinking how intense he was. The older one recovered first and asked if he could take pictures first. Ash eyed their camera for a moment before turning away.

"Not the face." He didn't want to deal with an interview and he really didn't want his picture to be taken by strangers.

The interview went as well as he thought it would. The man from Japan was polite enough and Ash answered his questions, though with the least amount of words possible. The man tried to hide it, but Ash knew he was frustrated at Ash's lack of concrete answers. The other man was more interesting. He looked like a kid but apparently, he was older than Ash. This greatly amused Ash though for some reason he wasn't that surprised. It felt natural that the man was older. Ash didn't dwell on his thoughts though. Who the man was, wasn't important to him. He would be gone after this article and Ash would never see him again.

"Is that a real gun?" Ash turned at looked back at…Eiji was it? He was not expecting such a question, especially from a photographer's assistant. Don't they have more "important" questions to ask? Ash debated ignoring the question before saying:

"Meaning?" The man had the decency to look flustered.

"Real guns are illegal in Japan. Can I hold it?"

The bar fell silent. Ash stared at the man. This comment should set off warning bells in Ash's mind. He should be tense ready for a fight. No one would just ask him for his gun. He should laugh in the man's face or mock him for even asking him that. Of course, he couldn't hold Ash's gun. Did he think Ash was an idiot? If he had Ash's gun, he would shoot Ash. Ash knew how this worked. This was obvious…

Yet some part of him knew that if he gave Eiji the gun nothing bad would happen. He could trust him though he didn't know why. It was a relief to be able to trust again. Ash had no idea where these thoughts were coming from, but he had long ago learned to trust his gut feeling. Without another word he held out the gun. As he expected nothing bad happened. Even so as he took the gun back, he couldn't help but question his feelings. How did he know Eiji was trustworthy? Why did he feel comfortable around him? What was going on? As soon as these thoughts entered his mind the feelings started to fade. Within a minute he no longer remembered exactly why he handed Eiji his gun.

The next time those strange feelings emerged it was when they were trapped by Arthur's and Golzine's men. Standing at a dead end, Eiji had the brilliant idea of pole vaulting over the wall. Despite Ash's protests Eiji took his pole and backed up. It was frustrating. He was going to get himself killed. There was no way Eiji was going to make it over the wall in one piece. This was all Ash's fault. He shouldn't have gotten Eiji and Skip involved. Eiji started forward in a trot. Ash watched him speed up and stick the pole into the ground. To Ash's surprise, it did hold together as Eiji rose up.

Ash watched him rise, body arching over the wall. The sun was behind him, casting a halo-like light around his small figure. Eiji looked so free up there. Nothing could touch him. No one could har him. Ash couldn't breathe. He couldn't look away. Eiji was flying. The photographer from Japan could fly. Ash scoffed at himself, of course, he could fly

Eiji was an angel after all.

With that thought, Ash suddenly knew everything would eventually be alright. The flame that had died months ago ignited in his chest. It burned brighter and bigger than before as he felt the warmth spread through his body. Ash would do anything to protect the man flying away. Then, for a moment Ash wasn't in New York. He wasn't a gang leader. He wasn't fighting the mafia. He was in Japan with Eiji. They were married, happy. He was happy.

The sound of Eiji crashing down jolted Ash back to reality. He was suddenly back in New York City and the memories were quickly fading. Voices yelled behind them. Ash turned to face the men. Inside, his flame still burnt, though smaller than before.

It was only a small flicker, a spark in the darkness. Even so, it was suborn. It stayed there even when his tears threatened to extinguish it. It burnt even when the cold and emptiness threatened to kill it. It burnt even when the shadows tried to suffocate it. And when the time came to get on the plane it burns like a bonfire.

As the plane rose into the night and he held Eiji's hand the memory returned one last time. He remembered his future self and all the events that happened. He knew that after this he wouldn't remember until he met his past self. Ash's hand tightened on Eiji's. It was alright for him to forget now, he was safe. The worse was behind him. Now he could start down the road of recovery. It would take a while, he understood that. Even when he had talked to his future self he wasn't completely better. Even so, it didn't matter, he would end up in that small apartment with Eiji as his husband. Ash smiled to himself as New York City fell away.

He was heading to paradise.