Flex and release.
Breath in through the nose.
Out through the mouth.
And repeat.
You hate Sarge so fucking much.
You hate his voice, you hate his face, and you hate his bullshit plans that make about as much sense as this fucking stalemate.
You hate this bullshit place the most because if you weren't here, this wouldn't have happened.
But it isn't like you were given a choice.
Not like you were given an option in any of this, not really.
Flex and release.
This stupid hand doesn't feel right. Of course it feels fucked up and of course it feels fake,it isn't yours, it isn't real...not in the ways that matter.
Breath in through the nose.
And of course they'd give your real body parts to Grif of all fucking people in this goddamn canyon!
Out through the mouth.
Breath, don't lose your cool, just relax, just relax.
You can fix this, you can get past this, it's going to be okay, just don't lose your cool.
"Hey, Simmons, are you okay?"
Of fucking course, no one in this place can take a hint and just leave you the fuck alone.
"No, Donut! I'm not okay."
"Uh do you wan-"
"No i dont want to fucking talk about it, who the fuck would want to talk about becoming a goddamn science experiment?"
Breath.
"It isn't like this is my body anymore, it isn't like i can feel my hand anymore, it isn't like half my vision is so analytical its hard to focus using my other eye, my real fucking eye, you know if you care so much about how i was doing, why did you back out being the base guinea pig. It isn't-"
He's crying, god, of course he's crying.
"Just go away, Donut!" You shout.
And thankfully he does.
Okay, just breath, it's going to be okay…
In through the nose.
Our through the mouth, at least the pain as mostly subsided.
"You didn't have to explode on him like that, it's not his fault we're like this."
God just kill me now,
"No you're right, it isn't his fault." You begin, and you see the looks on his face morph into confusion but you don't have time for that, the rage has been bubbling over and you're failing to turn down the heat.
"It's not like he tore my body apart and gave the pieces to you of all people. No, he just let it happen and he just happened to be with you, when you died. It isn't like there's some way his dumb ass could have planned all this! It's all just a big coincidence."
You know it isn't Donut's fault but right now, you hate everyone including yourself, he's just an easy target and oddamn it, this breathing exercise isn't fucking working.
"You of all people shouldn't be talking about standing by when it comes to Sarge's harebrained schemes and it's not exactly thrilled about almost dying either." He says cooly, like he planned it, like he knew what you were gonna say.
And you look up and reach the other pair of eyes as the unset of a headache hits you, this robot eye is going to be the end of you but seeing your real eye on his face just makes it so much worse.
You look like a doll that no one gave shit about, you want to say, because your skin no longer matches, it look like patches, just like your eye and my eye, and you're lucky Sarge not only brought you back to life using MY organs and parts, you're lucky he was able to bring you back to normal shape, not that you'll keep it, you fat ass.
You seathwith the rage and you wonder if he can tell how much new pain has nestled itself beside the old and how much it's weighing you down.
You don't want to say it. You want to say it. But you don't say it because that would be cruel, even for you and he's staring at you and you just want him to go away forever.
And you just want him to keep staring at you, because even though it's pity in his eye and your eye, his eyes, it feels good to have him looking at you, even if it's like this.
A part of you wishes he was dead.
But mostly you just wish you were dead.
"You're lucky you got to keep human parts, even if they're mine." You say instead.
And he looks at you for a moment more before he adds more water to the overflowing pot.
"So you're just going to sit here and bitch and moan? You're going to take this out on Donut? On Sarge?" He huffs out a laugh before he continues"or are you going to take it out on me? It'd be very on brand for you."
He makes a mock crying face,and you can't tell if that is actual hurt beneath his eyes and in his voice but yeah, you actually want to cry, but you can't right now, because he's here and if you start crying, he might actually feel bad for you and then you'd have to die.
"Yeah, Grif, I am."
And he doesn't say anything to you because the words that could have been said and have been said, hang in the air between you two, thick like the humidity on rainy summer day.
Grif should have died and you should be human again but…
"Simmons, I really am sorry for how everything turned out." He says.
"Yeah, me too." You answer and he leave the room.
Breath in through the nose.
Don't let those stupid tears flow too much.
Breath out through the mouth.
Calm your shuddering breath.
Flex and release.
And repeat.
——
Sleeping in the same room becomes more painful than awkward and Donut has already forgiven you but really, you can't find the energy to care about any of it.
You've taken to sleeping with your face to the concrete wall beside your bed, because any time you may be forced to be faced with your missing parts and you have to remind yourself that it isn't his fault even though it feels like it is.
You don't really know whose fault it is though and it seems easy to blame the Blues because you know Lopez didn't just walk off and join them.
You're not like the rest of these idiots, you have critical thinking skills, and god, you sound so much like dad right now.
Dad hated everyone, and everything, that included you apparently, but he wouldn't have let himself be turned into a fucking cyborg and he wouldn't be hopelessly in love with the idiot who has his body parts but i guess if there's any consolation, dad never made far enough into the military to get turned into a cyborg.
"Simmons are you crying?"
You hear Grif's voice and reflexively you roll over to look at him. You bite your lip and fight not to cringe at yourself, there are hot tears running down your cheek and you're still having trouble focusing because of your enhanced eyesight mix with your other eye that still has astigmatism.
Maybe dad had every right to hate you.
"N-no" you hear yourself say as you wipe away the side of your face that holds the evidence of your lie.
"You're a bad liar,but um do you want me to get Donut?" He turns to walk out but you catch him.
"No, please just leave him out of this." You're holding on to his real arm, trying to avoid your eye in his face. " you can go if you want, if you're uncomfortable."
He looks down at your hand clutching his arm.
"Are you sure you want me to go?"
No
"Yeah." You let go of his arm and there are light red imprints of your fingers in his arm and you don't look up until the tapping of his feet get so far you can't hear them out of your normal ear.
And you lay down again and shove all those thoughts down until you hear him come back in the room, until you hear the groan of the mattress as he lays down, until you hear the soft snores come from him and you know he's asleep,the whole base is asleep and you're still awake, watching the wall trying to maintain your humanity.
So you breathe in deep, at least you can still breathe, at least your brain can still produce whatever chemicals it produces so you can calm down, at least you can still cry and at least you have killed everyone in this base yet.
And that all has to count for something, right?
———-
Nights become increasingly difficult and you start to realize that the part of your brain that isn't human doesn't really need to sleep. You hate this revelation because you used to dream about a better life and even if it wasn't always good, at least it wasn't here.
Because of the self imposed restriction, you've been looking at Grif less and less, even with his armor on. So naturally when your robot brain protests sleep, he's all you want to look at.
And because that would be weird, you decide to start going on walks outside, to help clear your mind. It ironically does the exact opposite, only giving you more times to think about your sorry state and making the grieving process so much more bitter.
Everyone's noticed your changed mood and you can tell from the look in his human eyes that Sarge might have the faintest bit of regret doing this to you.
If he does, he doesn't say as much.
You've decided it was the Blue Team's fault. It makes living with these people easier and it makes hating The Blues all the more satisfying.
But that can only take you so far.
When Sarge decides they're going to use Grif and Donut as bait so you and him can get the drop on the blues, you're pissed.
"Sarge, don't you think our team has done enough almost dying this month ."
Everyone looks at you and even though they have their visors on, you can tell it's shock, because you can feel their burning gaze on you, because how long have you gone without speaking?
Of course it's Grif who breaks the silence, you two basically share a brain now.
"We could do recon, instead." He suggests and that seems to snap everyone else out of their daze, so much that Sarge doesn't even acknowledge that an actually intelligent idea from Grif and gives the green light for them to go.
When the two are gone, Sarge just stares at you for a few moments before disappearing into the base without a word and you're left on the rooftop with no objective other than to stare out into the canyon as the form of Grif and Donut slowly get smaller.
When all is said and done and the day relatively over, you're surprised once again that you didn't kill anyone or snap completely and just go crazy.
You're endlessly surprised by the fact that no one else noticed that Donut was acting weird but maybe that's just the insanity kicking in.
"That wasn't him." You hear Grif mumbled on that sleepless night.
"What do you mean?" You say to the wall, hoping he was just talking in his sleep again.
He wasn't.
"It wasn't Donut but I'm sure you already knew that."
"How did you know that." You sigh, because you don't really care but you can't bring yourself to be cruel just yet.
"Well for starters, why was Donut making the demands?"
You shrug and maybe he see it, maybe doesn't, regardless you hear a shifting sound like he's turning to face you and then.
"I think Sarge chooses to believe in all this," he begins,voice quiet enough that only your robot ear picks up his words. "Maybe it makes him feel better. I know I'd believe in anything to make myself feel better."
And you never thought of that before and you're actually really surprised that this kind of thought came from Grif because wait
"Make you feel better, how?" You break your own rule and face him, his eye and your eye are distant and you can tell, you might have fucked up but you're amazed by the emotion that he's able to portray in a body part that doesn't belong to him.
And somehow you feel as though it's the first stitch in the processes of your healing.
"I'll tell you about it if we survive this place."
You want to laugh because he's been given a second chance at life. How could he be worried about not making it? Then you almost resent him again before breathing in deeply and remembering, it isn't his fault.
"Goodnight, Dex." You don't roll back over you just close your eyes. He doesn't reply but that's okay, you really didn't care anyway.