A Rose for Christmas
"All right," announced Harley Quinn, as she looked around at her friends and family seated at the long table. "I know this year has been pretty miserable for everyone, so this Thanksgiving, we're gonna each go around and tell everybody something we're thankful for. Puddin', you start," she said, turning to Joker next to her.
"I'm thankful for Batsy," said Joker. "And definitely not for your cooking. How can you ruin cranberries when they literally just come out of a can, you useless dame?" he muttered, poking at the burned and blackened jelly in front of him.
"I told you if you wanted them done right, you could have done them yourself," snapped Harley. "J.J., you go next," she added, nodding at her son.
"I'm thankful to have a twin sister who will let me copy her homework when I'm too lazy to do it," said J.J.
"You told me you did do it, but you lost it!" snapped Arleen, glaring at him.
"I'm thankful to have a twin sister who will let me copy her homework when I lie about losing it," corrected J.J.
"Mom, Dad, he lied to me!" exclaimed Arleen. "Is he gonna get in trouble?"
"J.J., we've talked about this," said Joker, sternly. "What did we say about lying?"
J.J. sighed. "To only do it as a joke to people you don't care about."
"That's right – we don't lie to family," agreed Harley. "If you were too lazy to do your homework, you should have told your teacher the hyenas ate it. Then you could have still not done it, lied, but not lied to the people who matter, like your sister. Now apologize to her."
"Sorry, Leenie," muttered J.J. "But I am thankful for you anyway."
"I'm thankful for you too," agreed Arleen. "Even if you are an annoying slacker sometimes."
"Maybe you'd like to go next, Red?" asked Harley, turning to Poison Ivy.
"Uh…sure," said Ivy. "I'm thankful for nature sending a plague to get rid of a few thousand more useless humans ruining the world. It's been a good year for plagues."
"Yeah, that's…good," said Harley, slowly. "Harvey, what about you?"
"I'm thankful for the huge number of restaurants in the near vicinity who deliver on a holiday like Thanksgiving," commented Two-Face, who was scrolling through his phone. "It's great having that many choices, rather than just settling for Harley's cooking which I suspect would give us all food poisoning. Chinese good for everyone?"
"I think pizza – it'll remind us of the good old Thanksgivings in Arkham," said Joker. "But of course you can flip a coin, Harvey. Or do it the more democratic way of voting."
"I dunno – I think voting on anything will be triggering after an election year," replied Two-Face. "The coin flip's fairer anyway – that way whoever loses can just be angry at fate rather than half the population of the country who voted the other way. In future, I'm all for elections being decided with a coin flip, to save us the nonsense of campaign season."
"Amen to that," agreed Joker. "Anyway, there will never be a better president than I was for all of five minutes. Nobody else will ever live up to my legacy."
"I don't want people talking politics at the Thanksgiving table!" snapped Harley. "Nothing drives families apart quicker than that! And this is a time to be thankful for what we have, including our families!"
"Those of us who have them," commented Joker, smiling at Ivy.
"Red's an honorary family member, Mr. J," said Harley. "And so is Harvey."
"Yeah, but in reality they're both all alone, and they've only been invited to our family dinner because you feel sorry for them being all by themselves at Thanksgiving," said Joker. "Out of all of our many Arkham acquaintances, you're the only two losers who didn't find a family of your own. That must really depress you, realizing how unlovable you must be, when even a guy like me has a family. You just must feel so utterly sad and worthless, knowing that if you died suddenly in your homes, nobody would find you for days or weeks on end, because nobody would come home to you, and nobody would care."
"My plants would find me," muttered Ivy.
"They'd probably eat you, like the way people's cats eat them if they die," commented Joker. "Speaking of which, fifty bucks says that's how Selina goes."
"Mr. J, this is the day when we express our love and gratitude to people, not wish them dead!" snapped Harley. "That's every other day for you, so just this once, try to be kind!"
"I'm always kind, pooh bear," said Joker, patting her head. "I didn't kill you for ruining the cranberries, after all. And neither did Pammie, even though you burned her babies to death and then made them inedible, so they died completely in vain. By rights she should be more pissed off than I am – I guess you're gonna wait to tell her about how you butchered the pumpkin pie, huh?"
"Leenie, J.J., how's school?" asked Ivy, trying to change the subject. "Are you two learning anything interesting?"
"Not really," said J.J., shrugging. "We have this lame project we have to do over Christmas. It's meant to be our vacation, and they're giving us homework – it's unconstitutional."
"Yeah, it's completely lame," agreed Arleen. "We're learning about babies in health class, so we're gonna be given sacks of flour which we have to take everywhere with us for two weeks, all through Christmas break. We have to pretend like they're our babies and not let them out of our sight. It's meant to teach us about how much work having a baby is."
"Which is pointless, since I'm never gonna have one anyway," added J.J.
"You're too young to know that for sure, J.J. – you're only thirteen," said Harley. "You might change your mind in time - your father certainly did."
"My mind was forced to be changed," replied Joker. "Through involuntary and accidental circumstances."
"What kinda circumstances?" asked J.J. "Just so I know what to watch out for."
"I'm not having this discussion now – just stay away from girls until we've had it," replied Joker.
"Easy to do – girls are lame," said J.J.
"J.J., that's a very unfair thing to say," said Ivy. "You shouldn't generalize about an entire gender like that."
"You mean like you do, Miss All-Men-Bad?" asked Joker.
"You should want your kids to turn out better than I did," retorted Ivy.
"Don't worry – they will," retorted Joker. "I mean, it would be hard for anybody to turn out worse, right?"
Ivy glared at him. "So Chinese ok with everyone?" repeated Two-Face. "Because I don't know about you, but I'm kinda hungry, and the sooner we order, the sooner the food gets here."
"What about you, Harley?" asked Ivy, after they had ordered. "What are you thankful for?"
"I'm thankful for everyone here," said Harley, taking Joker's hand. "My wonderful puddin', my wonderful kiddos, and my wonderful friends. A gal couldn't ask for anything more outta life."
"No, she…sure couldn't," agreed Ivy, forcing a smile.
"Hey, you ok?" asked Two-Face, as they both left together later that night. "You seemed kinda quiet all through dinner. Did J get to you?"
"He's hard to ignore when he's sorta right," muttered Ivy. "And he knows it. He knows exactly what will annoy his targets and then just picks at them until they bleed, like a scab. It's the one talent he has."
"Not if what Harley says about him is true," said Two-Face, dryly. "But c'mon, Pam, you know he's not really right. Yeah, we don't have families of our own, technically. But Harley considers us family, and her kids love us. That's good enough for me. Isn't it for you?"
Ivy sighed. "I guess, I just…"
She trailed off. "What would you say to growing our daughter back?" she asked at last.
"I think…it would be hard to go through losing her again," murmured Two-Face. "Because she'd still have her shortened lifespan of only having a year to live."
"Yeah, but the twins were talking about learning about babies, and if I grew Rose again, it could give them some hands on experience of how much effort a baby actually is," said Ivy. "It'd be a lot more educational than some stupid bag of murdered flour, which I object to on ethical grounds. Anyway, it'd be nice to have her around for Christmas, to have a family Christmas…I've just never had that before."
Two-Face took her shoulders. "It's your decision," he said. "I'll support you whatever you do. But don't just look back at that experience with rose-tinted glasses, if you'll excuse the pun," he added with a smile. "She was wonderful. But the price of great love is great suffering. If you feel strong enough to go through that again, then bring Rose back. Just make sure you're doing it because you truly want to, rather than just to shut J up about not having a family."
"That'll be an added bonus," retorted Ivy. "But it's not just my decision. It was last time, but I made mistakes last time. This time, I want it to be our decision," she said, taking his hand. "What do you say, Harvey? Feel like being a father again for a year?"
He smiled at her, and kissed her forehead. "I thought you'd never ask," he murmured.