"This is so stupid," said J.J., throwing his sack of flour into his backpack. "It hasn't even been a day, and I'm sick of this thing already."
"It's gonna suffocate in there," commented Arleen, slamming her locker shut as her brother zipped up his bag.
"It's not a real baby, Leenie!" snapped J.J. "It doesn't need to breathe!"
"What are you naming yours?" asked Damian Wayne, their friend, who met them outside with his flour baby in his hands. "Mine's gonna be Ra's al Ghulten, after my grandfather, and a pun on gluten because of the whole flour thing."
"If you explain a joke, it isn't a joke, Damian," retorted J.J. "And I'm not naming a sack of flour, because I'm not insane."
"Oh, it's the flour baby time of year!" exclaimed Alice Tetch, as she passed them. "I did that a few years ago."
"How did it go?" asked Arleen.
"Fine, until Uncle Jervis made muffins out of it," replied Alice. "He mistook the baby for baking supplies. An easy mistake to make with a bag of flour. Still, they tasted delicious, so no harm done really. I did fail the project, but when I gave the teacher some of the muffins, she changed my grade to a passing one. So it all worked out," she finished, heading off on her own.
"Yeah, remind me to keep little Ra's away from Alfred," said Damian, as they began walking home. "He'll probably try to make crumpets outta him. Anyway, you guys wanna go hang out somewhere?"
"We can't – we've got Aunt Ivy coming over with a surprise she wants us to see," said Arleen. "Family stuff, y'know."
"Oh yeah, sure," said Damian. "I know all about family stuff. Family issues anyway – it's really just me and my dad. He and my mom don't speak anymore, and I can't remember the last time I've seen my grandfather," he said, looking wistfully at the bag of flour.
"We are really lucky to have so many great family members so close by," agreed Arleen. "Well, not technically family, but friends who count as family."
"Yeah, they're always bringing us presents and stuff," said J.J. "It's so strange that your dad's a billionaire and yet he doesn't seem to have any friends. I've never met him, but from what I can gather, Bruce Wayne is a weird guy."
"You have no idea," sighed Damian, waving goodbye as they entered their house.
"Mom, Dad, we're home!" called J.J., throwing his backpack on the floor.
"Aren't you gonna take your baby out of there?" asked Arleen.
"It's a bag of flour, Leenie," he sighed. Arleen shrugged, and then dumped her backpack on top of his, carrying her flour baby into the living room.
"There's the little bundle of joy!" Joker said, beaming at Arleen's flour bag. "Gosh, I never thought I'd be a grandfather so soon! Where does the time go?" he chuckled. "Where's your baby, J.J.?"
"My bag of flour is in my backpack," retorted J.J. "And it's staying there until I get a snack."
"If it was a real baby, you wouldn't be able to ignore it," replied Harley.
"That's true. But it's not, so I am," retorted J.J., heading to the kitchen.
"I gotta think up a name for mine, even if J.J. won't play along with his," said Arleen. "A friend from school named his after his grandparent, and I guess I could too, although my grandparents don't have punnable names."
"Maybe mine did, but we'll never know," said Joker, shrugging.
"I always had names picked out for my babies ever since I was a little girl," said Harley. "I don't really know why, but we were never in any doubt of yours and J.J.'s. Maybe name it after someone who inspires you, a role model or something? Or someone you love?"
"I love too many people to just pick one name," said Arleen. "And the only role models I have are you and Daddy. And we already have a Joker Junior in the family - I guess I could call it Harley Two."
"Nah, there ain't no Harley Two - your mother is one of a kind," said Joker, kissing Harley's cheek.
"It's flour, so you could name it after a flower," suggested Harley. "Red would like that. Do you have a favorite flower?"
"Not really – I'm not really a flower person, but don't tell Aunt Ivy," Arleen said. "I mean, you both know that ever since I was little, my tastes have tended more toward the morbid."
"Just like your old man!" chuckled Joker. "But flowers don't have to be all pretty and girly - you could name it after the corpse flower."
"What's that?" asked Arleen.
"It's a flower that smells like a rotting corpse," said Joker. "I didn't realize that at first – I thought it was called that because it could overpower the smell of a rotting corpse. So I tried to use one to mask the smell of a bunch of bodies I had stashed in a hideout. As you might imagine, it didn't work – led the cops right to me. So I've never forgotten that particular flower – it's the only weed that ever got me busted back to Arkham, except for your Aunt Ivy, of course!" he chuckled.
"I can't really call it Corpse," said Arleen, pulling out her phone. "I think I'd be failed for child abuse. But it says here the flower's real name is Titan Arum. I guess I could call it Titan."
"Sounds kinda like a superhero name to me," retorted Joker. "But it's your kid," he added, shrugging.
"I know one of the Titans in Greek mythology was big on eating his kids," said Arleen. "So it seems sufficiently morbid to me. Thanks, Daddy," she said, hugging him. "And speaking of eating, I'm gonna get a snack too," she said, standing up.
"What about your baby?" asked Harley, nodding at the sack of flour she left behind. "Shouldn't you take it everywhere with you?"
"The project doesn't technically start until Christmas break, so we've got like a month to go," said Arleen. "They only gave us the bags today because our health teacher's out with surgery for the rest of the month, and she was afraid the substitute would forget. We gotta keep a journal over the vacation with pictures showing all the stuff we've done with it, taking care of it like it's a real baby. So I'll start pretending then, but for now I'm with J.J. – it's just a sack of flour. Anyway, flour or baby, I'm sure you can handle watching it for five minutes," she added, heading for the kitchen.
"I bet her dumping the baby on us will be her attitude toward real childcare too though," commented Joker.
"You hope," retorted Harley. "I know you wanna spoil your future grandkids, just like you did our kids."
"I relate to children," said Joker, shrugging. "If we were all like kiddies, this world would be a better place. Everyone would live to have fun and entertain themselves, no matter how destructive their idea of that is. Unrestrained messes and violent chaos and complete amorality - not caring who gets hurt for our pleasure and amusement. That's the dream!" he sighed.
"Keep the dream alive, puddin'," said Harley, kissing his forehead as she went to go answer the knock on the front door.
"Hi Red, Harvey, and…baby!" gasped Harley, as she opened the door to see the small, green-skinned bundle sleeping in Ivy's arms. "Oh my God, you've grown Rose again!" she shrieked, clapping her hands in excitement.
"Please don't wake her up, Harley," whispered Ivy, putting a finger to her lips.
"Sorry – I'm just excited!" whispered Harley, bouncing up and down. "She's such a sweetie! That is, assuming she's the same sweetie," she added, her face falling suddenly. "Will her personality be different this time around?"
"Well, there's no reason why it should be," replied Ivy. "But that's more of a nature versus nurture question. I do believe Rose has a naturally sweet disposition, but Harvey and I have to be good parents to her too in order to bring out her best qualities."
"Aw, it's so sweet that you're gonna co-parent this time!" exclaimed Harley. "It's so much easier taking care of kiddos when you got a steady, reliable partner at your side. At least, I imagine it would be," she added, as she led them into the living room. "Mr. J, look, Rose is back!"
"Great – let me know when she gets hot again," replied Joker, not looking up from the sack of flour. "Because that's when I'll care."
"J, how would you like it if I talked about your daughter like that?" asked Two-Face.
"Oh, I'd burn off the rest of your face along with a lotta other things," replied Joker with a smile. "But this is your daughter we're talking about, and I'm not afraid of you."
"Putting himself in somebody else's shoes is a concept that's completely alien to Mr. J, trust me," said Harley. "Anyway, he was just saying how great it was to have more children in the world."
"Yeah, but this sack of flour baby is more interesting than your baby," replied Joker.
"Where are the kids?" asked Ivy, looking around.
"In the kitchen – I'll go get 'em," said Harley, hurrying off.
"So, regretting the whole baby decision yet?" asked Joker. "I know I was a few weeks into waking up every hour by them screaming. Not that it was a decision on my part."
"Of course we're tired, but it's worth it," said Ivy. "As I'm sure yours were."
"Yeah, but again, this ain't my kiddos we're talking about," retorted Joker. "Of course my kiddos are worth it – they came from me, so they're perfect. But not everyone is so lucky to have a perfect parent, and your kid certainly ain't."
"What is with your pathological need to undermine me?" asked Ivy.
Joker shrugged. "Dunno. It's fun, I guess."
"All right, Aunt Ivy, what's this surprise…" began J.J., as he and his sister followed his mother into the living room. He stopped speaking abruptly when he saw the baby in Ivy's arms.
"Kids, this is Rose," said Ivy. "My daughter. And Harvey's," she added. "She's a little different to normal babies – I grew her in a seed pod, and she'll grow, live, and die, all within one year. But I thought this might be a better way to show you both how much work is involved in having a baby, as opposed to the flour bags. She'll only be a baby for a week or so, and then she grows into a toddler, and a child, and a teenager as the weeks pass. So she should be around your age at Christmas, and you can spend the holiday season with her. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Yeah…Aunt Ivy," said J.J. at last, slowly. "It sounds like lots of fun."