"I've never wanted a baby, and this is only confirming that my opinion is the right one," voiced J.J., as his reading was interrupted by another fit of crying from Rose. "I can't hear myself think!"
"Maybe that's why parents always make such weird decisions – because they can't think," retorted Arleen, hurrying over to pick up Rose. She rocked her, trying to shush her above the constant squalling.
"She sounds hungry – she needs another growth formula," said Ivy, entering the room with a bottle in her hand. "Babies need to be fed a lot, as you can see, and that's an experience you don't get from your flour bags."
"Aunt Ivy, we really appreciate the thought," said Arleen. "But neither J.J. or me were planning on becoming parents anytime soon. I mean, we haven't even finished middle school, for one thing, so this experience is kinda pointless. We were just gonna do the limited amount we had to with the flour baby to get a passing grade…"
"I wasn't even gonna do that," interrupted J.J. "Because it's a stupid project, and I have better things to do with my vacation than homework. So I was just gonna take the F."
"You're never too young to learn about the responsibilities of parenting, and what hard work it is," retorted Ivy. "You'll remember this in a few years when you might want to start exploring certain things, and this memory will teach you to be extra careful."
"What things?" asked Arleen, curiously.
"Your parents haven't had the talk with you yet about where babies come from?" asked Ivy.
"Well, yours apparently came from a seed pod," replied J.J. "But I assume most people get 'em from the hospital where they grow 'em in test tubes, right?"
"Uh…no," said Ivy, slowly. "No, that's not how…that works. Oh God, this is not my job to have the talk," she said hastily, sticking the bottle in Rose's mouth. "Just ask your parents later. Suffice it to say it's something that can happen when two people love each other very much."
"I can't imagine having a crying, screaming infant would increase their love very much," retorted J.J. "If a girl inflicted that on me, I'd dump her. Not that I'd be involved with girls anyway, because they're lame."
"Do you think your sister is lame?" demanded Ivy.
"Yes," said J.J., nodding. "Not her fault, but she is a girl."
"And boys are dumb," agreed Arleen. "So I don't have to listen to a word he says."
"There, y'see?" said J.J. "Mutual loathing yet acceptance. I imagine that's how men and women have lived side by side for centuries."
"It's really not," said Ivy. "You don't think your parents love each other?"
"Sure they do," said Arleen, shrugging. "Although sometimes we do hear them fighting in their bedroom – I mean, it sounds like fighting because they're screaming, but it's always things like 'Oh yes!' and 'Don't stop!' and 'Harder!' so it's the weirdest fight I ever heard. But even people who fight love each other."
"And Leenie and I love each other really," added J.J. "I love her despite the fact that she's a lame girl. So that's really deeply."
"Yeah…ok," said Ivy. "Glad your parents have infected you with that weird violence equals love thing they got going on. I'll just…feed Rose in the other room," she said, picking up the baby and heading into the living room where Joker, Harley, and Two-Face were gathered.
"How's the baby, Red?" asked Harley, beaming at Rose and sticking her tongue out. Rose giggled, beaming back at her. "Are the kiddies doing a good job looking after her?"
"They're doing fine, but I'm a little confused," said Ivy. "I thought your kids were learning about babies in school, but they don't even know where babies come from yet."
"Well, they're a little young for that talk, Red," replied Harley.
"You think so?" asked Ivy. "I mean, they're starting puberty any day now, if they haven't already. And yet their attitude toward the opposite sex, and to each other, seems a little…hostile."
"That's just siblings," said Joker, shrugging. "Trust me, they'll always find something to pick on each other for. Look at me and Bats."
"You and Bats aren't siblings," retorted Two-Face.
"Aren't we?" asked Joker, smiling at him.
"No!" snapped Two-Face.
"Maybe not, but he is my brother from another mother," agreed Joker. "Anyway, I'm with Harley – you can have the talk with your kid whenever you want, but our kids are fine not knowing for now. They'd probably just be grossed out by it. And there's no need to turn them more against the opposite sex by disgusting them. They'll grow out of it, as all kids do. I know some parents are obsessed with molding their children, but me, I'm content to just sit back and watch what unfolds. And I would think you'd honestly be the last person on earth to object to hostility between the sexes."
"Again, I want my child to have a better experience of life than I did," replied Ivy. "And I'd assume you'd want the same for your children."
"Well, why don't you worry about your child, and we'll worry about our children?" asked Joker. "If you ask me, some people who only get to be parents for a year shouldn't criticize those of us who've had thirteen years experience of it. We might know a smidgen more about it than you do, did you ever think of that? No, of course not, you know everything about everything, don't you?"
"I'm not criticizing – I just thought the whole point of this flour baby exercise was to reinforce how difficult parenting is, and to warn teenagers on the onset of puberty to be careful and take precautions, no matter what new and amazing things their bodies might be telling them to do," snapped Ivy. "But it's not a very good lesson if your kids don't even know the first thing about puberty, and what changes they're going to go through! It seems like a kind parent would warn them that their hormones are about to make them go completely insane!"
Joker shrugged. "I've always preferred spontaneous insanity, with no warning," he replied. "Anyway, I hope you didn't decide to grow your kid just so our kids could be taught a lesson in parenting. That would be really stupid and irresponsible of you, and a really dumb reason to have a baby."
"No, I just thought it would be nice to have a family Christmas," said Ivy.
"Still sounds like kinda a dumb reason," replied Joker.
"You wouldn't understand, of course, because it's about feelings, which are things you don't have," retorted Ivy.
"You talk about feelings, but you're making this poor kid go through the cycle of her life all within a year," said Joker. "That must be completely overwhelming for her. She's already died once, and you're gonna put her through that trauma all over again just because you can't cope with being alone on a holiday. Sounds kinda selfish to me, and believe me, I know all about selfishness."
"Don't listen to him, Red," said Harley. "Rose is gonna be really happy to be back. She loved life so much – I'm sure there's no gift she'd like better than getting to live all over again."
"Maybe," agreed Ivy, slowly. "But…it was hard enough protecting her from the cruelty of the world before. What if I can't this time? I would hate to have her genuine sweetness and innocence destroyed by encountering something truly horrible, but then I can't be overprotective and keep her in a cage either."
"Welcome to the dilemma of parenting!" said Harley, beaming. "And one of the reasons we've held off having the talk with the kiddos! On the one hand, it's our responsibility to teach them the nitty gritty details of life, but on the other, it's also our responsibility to protect them from learning all the nitty gritty details of life before they're ready and mature enough to deal with them. It's an unending balancing act, Red, and you question every decision you ever make repeatedly. But ultimately you gotta have faith in your kids, and in your own skills as a parent. They'll turn out all right, trust me. Ours have so far anyway."
"Yes, and that's despite their father," agreed Ivy, smiling at Joker. "You're right, Harley. And at least these are decisions I don't have to make alone this time. It's kinda a relief," she said, taking Two-Face's hand. "I'm used to doing everything on my own, and I pride myself on the fact that I'm independent. But I gotta admit, it's nice to have someone else to fall back on for once."
"And to blame for things if they go wrong," said Two-Face. "Which is her current MO. She knows I was never the best at making decisions without a coin, so it's easy to point the finger at me."
"It's also nice to be able to get some sleep since he's on night shifts," agreed Ivy. "But sharing blame is good too."
"I blame all the mistakes on Harley," said Joker, nodding. "But I gotta admit, there have been surprisingly few with the kiddos, which isn't typical for her. After so many years dealing with her incompetence, I guess I've finally rubbed off on her after all."
"Yeah, that must be it," said Ivy, sarcastically.
"Aw, puddin', you say the sweetest things!" purred Harley, kissing Joker's cheek.
Ivy sighed, rolling her eyes and looking down at Rose, who gurgled up at her, smiling, and Ivy smiled back. She was worrying over nothing. Rose had had a wonderful life the last time, and there was no reason why she wouldn't have an equally wonderful life this time, unaffected and untouched by the darkness of the world.
Ivy was severely underestimating the darkness of the world, especially when it came to Gotham City. But fortunately, it was the Christmas season, where even darkness in Gotham City lost some of its powers. And darkness wasn't counting on having two Jokers in the deck.