"I love Aunt Ivy, but I don't love her unreasonable demands on our Christmas celebrations," commented J.J., as he and his sister stood decorating the plastic tree in the living room.
"And we've never paid attention to her unreasonable demands like not having a real tree before," added Arleen.
"I know, but this year I think it would be kind to Rose if we respected her mother's wishes," said Harley. "She's a more sensitive soul than Red, and I don't want to cause her unnecessary pain."
"Why not? She's caused us unnecessary pain," retorted Arleen. "The baby form was bad enough, but the toddler form was agony - having to keep doing the same repetitive stuff with her over and over again. And I love Disney, but I swear if I had to watch Frozen one more time, I was going to kill someone."
"And the kid form was exhausting, constantly chasing her all over the house without a break," agreed J.J. "I can only hope this week she'll be less energetic and annoying. If Aunt Ivy's goal was to make us never want kids, I think it's worked for both of us."
"Yep, I'm sticking to fake babies like Titan," said Arleen, as she held her flour baby up to the tree to take a selfie with it. "Hashtag FakeChristmas, Hashtag PlasticTreesAreLame," she added, speaking aloud while typing on her phone.
"Puddin', stop sulking about the tree and come help decorate it!" snapped Harley, glaring at Joker who was seated in the corner with his arms folded across his chest. "I got something to cheer you up – it's pine air freshener! It'll make the fake tree smell just like the real thing."
"It won't though, will it?" demanded Joker. "It's fake, just like the tree. It's all fake. You know, Christmas is meant to be a time when people get to slow down and relax and indulge in what we love. Well, I love killing stuff, including plants! This goes against the whole spirit of the season! Where's the fun in decorating something if it isn't dead or dying?!"
"Oh, talking about babies, you are one," retorted Harley, spraying a cloud of air freshener in his face. "It's just for this one year, and then we'll be back to real trees and real mistletoe. Speaking of which," she purred, holding up a plastic sprig.
"You come near me with that fake crap, and I'll shove it down your throat," Joker muttered. "This year's Christmas is ruined, completely ruined, all thanks to that pushy plant and her stupid family Christmas idea! Why can't she ruin her own holiday without poking her nose into ours?"
"Just be nice when she gets here, puddin'," retorted Harley. "And you two, be nice too," she added, turning to her children. "That's an order."
"We will be, but nothing will ruin Christmas faster than having to put up with some annoying kid," agreed J.J., as a knock came on the door. "I'll get it," he said. "I can't wait to see what new horrors Rose is going to inflict upon me," he muttered, forcing a smile and opening the door.
Ivy and Two-Face were standing in the doorway, along with a beautiful young woman, with pale green skin and long red hair, who beamed at him. J.J.'s forced smile instantly dissolved as his jaw dropped open in astonishment and something else…something he had never felt before began to bubble up inside him.
"Hello, J.J., do you recognize me?" asked the young woman, smiling at him. "It's Rose."
"I told you she grows fast," said Ivy, smiling at her daughter.
J.J. couldn't speak – his brain seemed to have stopped as it was flooded with previously unknown hormones. He just continued to stare open-mouthed at Rose, while also hallucinating a light shining around her head and a chorus of angels singing in the background. He tried to stammer something, but it just came out as an unintelligible noise.
"Are you feeling all right?" asked Rose, frowning slightly.
"Gah," J.J. managed to stammer, which didn't mean anything and he knew it. He tried to clear his head by shaking it, but the strange fever that seemed to have seized him didn't let go that easily. But he had inherited a certain genetic Joker charm from his father, which managed to overcome the stupor of hormones controlling him, and which made him relax at last into an easy and charming smile. "Of course, Rose, please come in," he said, holding open the door. "It's wonderful to see you again."
"I'm glad you think so – I don't recall all my behavior over the past few weeks, but I can't imagine you've had the best time looking after a child," said Rose.
"Are you kidding? You were an absolute pleasure," said J.J. "I was just saying to Arleen what an absolute pleasure taking care of you was, wasn't I, Leenie?" he asked, as they all entered the living room.
"What are you talking about? That's not what you said…" began Arleen, turning to face them. She was stunned at seeing Rose too, but her reaction was less freakish than her brother's. "We were just saying what an…interesting experience it's all been," she added, tactfully.
"Well, I've brought you a present to say thank you for all the trouble I must have been," said Rose, holding out a box. "Merry Christmas to you both."
"Gosh, you are so thoughtful, Rose," sighed J.J., taking the box from her. "Isn't she thoughtful, Leenie? Just really thoughtful and…beautiful and…thoughtful…and…beautiful…"
"What the heck is wrong with you?" demanded Arleen, glaring at her brother, who appeared to be in some sort of trance as he stared at Rose, grinning stupidly. "You don't think girls are beautiful – you think they're lame."
J.J. laughed nervously. "I never said that, Leenie, because I would never think that. What strange ideas you have about my opinions on the female sex, which I have nothing but the utmost respect for. So refined and tasteful and thoughtful and beautiful…look at this great gift she got us!"
"You don't even know what it is yet," retorted Arleen.
"Yes, do not open until Christmas, isn't that the rule?" asked Rose. "You'll have to forgive me as this is my first Christmas that I remember, so I'm unfamiliar with a lot of the customs involved with the traditional celebration. Last time I was alive, I was dying during the winter, so I didn't have the ability to appreciate these things. But Mother has decided to grow me in the winter this time, so I'll be in the prime of my life for it. I am eager to learn all I can of Christmas – does the bag of flour mean something?" she asked, pointing at Titan.
"No, that's a school project," said Arleen.
"Ah yes, I've heard of school," said Rose, nodding. "Mother and Father teach me everything I know, of course, because if I attended school there would be many awkward questions about my situation. But it does sound like a wonderful place to be."
"You wouldn't think that if you'd ever been to school," retorted Arleen.
"Leenie, don't be rude!" exclaimed J.J.
"I wasn't – I was just telling the truth…" began Arleen.
"Well, don't!" snapped J.J. "Can't you see she's too delicate to be exposed to the truth? She has to be protected from the evils of the world, isn't that right, Aunt Ivy?"
"Yeah…it's sorta complicated," said Ivy. "But we do always try to be truthful with our daughter – that was Harvey's rule this time. We aren't doing her any favors by lying to her, or concealing things from her. She's a mature young lady, especially for her age, and we're going to treat her the way we'd treat any other adult."
"Great, so I'm off to plan my annual Christmas scheme," announced Joker. "Hoping to rack up quite a body count this year – I'm calling it 'Lovely Weather for a Slay Ride Together With You,' with a pun on the word 'sleigh,' and the 'you' referring to Batsy, of course…"
"Body count?" repeated Rose, frowning slightly. "You mean killing people? Is that a joke, Uncle Joker?"
"Of course it is," interrupted Two-Face, hastily. "That's why he's called the Joker – always joking about stuff like murder and death. I just need a word with him," he added, grabbing Joker's arm, dragging him out of the room, and slamming the door.
"So you're not being truthful with little Rosebud after all!" chuckled Joker. "You haven't told her the truth about you, or Pammie, or all your little supercriminal associates and what we get up to!"
"It's complicated, like she said!" snapped Two-Face. "I don't want Rose to hate us. And she would, if she knew what we'd done, what we are…she wouldn't understand."
"My kiddies do," retorted Joker. "We haven't had the sex talk with 'em, but we had the criminal talk a long time ago. They accepted it pretty easily. Of course we did that while they were still young enough not to have been influenced by society's ideas of right and wrong, which I'm guessing Rosebud has."
"She's just naturally sweet and kind," said Two-Face. "And when you have that disposition, you can't understand being violent for any reason, even for a good cause in Pam's case. We will tell her eventually, but I don't want it to happen like this, with you blurting stuff out of a clear blue sky. We need some time to prepare her for the bombshell."
"Sure, I understand," said Joker, nodding. "And you can count on me to be discreet."
He opened the door and popped his head back into the living room. "Hon, any idea where I stashed that giant barrel of Joker toxin? No point in this gag if people can't laugh themselves to death, am I right?"
Two-Face glared at him. "Metaphorically speaking, of course," Joker added, smiling at Rose.
"I'll help you look for it, puddin'," said Harley, standing up and following him out.
"Aunt Ivy, would it be ok if we took Rose downtown?" asked J.J. "They've got all the beautiful Christmas lights set up, and I think she'd really enjoy seeing those. We could do some shopping and get a bite to eat and hang out like regular kids do."
"That's a good idea, J.J.," said Ivy, nodding. "And I'm sure she'd love to hang around some kids her own age. At least, her own age mentally, I guess."
"Oh, yes please, Mother!" exclaimed Rose. "That sounds like so much fun!"
"I'll bring Titan," said Arleen, picking up the flour bag. "It'll be good to get some pictures of us out and about."
"Just don't stay out too late," said Ivy. "And be careful. I don't want Rose being put in any dangerous situations."
"Don't worry, Aunt Ivy," said J.J., sincerely. "I'll guard her with my life. I'll sacrifice my life for hers if I have to. I'll die for her."
"I don't want you to put her in a situation where that would be necessary," retorted Ivy.
"Don't worry, Aunt Ivy," repeated Arleen, as J.J. and Rose headed out the door, with J.J. looking elated at Rose taking his offered hand. "I'll look after them, since my brother seems to have just gone insane."
"It's what I told J would happen," replied Ivy, shrugging. "Just keep an eye on him – I don't trust male hormones on the loose. Not that I think he has any idea of how to make a move, or what a move would even consist of. But still, I don't trust men."
"My brother's not a man," retorted Arleen. "He's a boy, and boys are dumb."
"Well, her insanity clearly hasn't struck yet," commented Ivy, as she shut the door. "But I give it a week."