Weeks passed in a blur of dark skies, persistent rain and increasing annoyance with Harry's obsession with the Hallows. A subtle shift seemed to have taken place; Ron had become a vital part of the group. Perhaps he was determined to redeem himself for leaving them, but he remained focused on the horcruxes, focused on the task at hand, unfazed by their lack of progress, and unfazed by Harry's lack of motivation and constant attempts to isolate himself.
In a way, Hermione understood Harry's desperate fascination with the Hallows; if they were real, they would certainly go a long way to improving his chances against Voldemort. It was almost as if he knew his fate. A part of Hermione was desperate to believe in Harry's ideas too, desperate to hang on to some firm hope of her friend surviving this. Her knowledge of what was to come left a constant ache inside her, it rolled in her stomach and rose hot and painful into her throat whenever she thought about it for too long. Harry was a horcrux. Since their close encounter with Voldemort at Godric's Hollow, Voldemort seemed like a much more imminent danger. And a part of him was inside Harry. It was so horrible. A treacherous part of her heart almost wanted this limbo to go on forever; as awful as it was, it meant that there was no immediate need for Harry's … death. But then she would remember the visceral hatred in Severus' face when he'd looked at that locket, and motivation would return.
Because of Ron, the three of them travelled to more and more unlikely hiding places for horcruxes, each as pointless as the next. December turned into January, January turned to February, February to March, and the temptation to contact Severus and take up his offer of running away together became increasingly attractive. They spoke a few times during most weeks. Small messages of comfort, the occasional weak joke. He kept her sane and hopeful, but there was no denying that the three of them were getting nowhere, and from the little he told her about his life, he was still living in hell. It was hard to force him to tell her anything through their means of communication, and now that Ron was back, there were fewer opportunities to speak using the mirror function, and she doubted he had much free time at all. From what she'd learned when they'd seen each other in December, keeping the Carrow's in check was a full time job, and he had to run the school, attend Death Eater meetings, monitor the staff and keep the students' rebellion to a minimum as well. Her memories of what little time they'd had together had become so precious to her. Severus had become such an important part of her life. It was almost strange to remember that she had once thought of him as nothing more than a nasty, cruel teacher. It made her cheeks heat and shame bubble through her to remember that she had once thought he was trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone. She couldn't believe how strong he was, from surviving what sounded like a horrendous childhood, filled with pain and abuse, to the relentless bullying of the Marauders, to turning against the Death Eaters in the hope of saving the woman he loved, to her death, to every hideous thing that had happened to him since… He was incredibly brave, incredibly strong, incredibly resilient.
The thought of his love for Lily didn't make her anywhere near as uncomfortable as it once had. She knew he cared about her – Hermione – very much. She remembered his patronus, and a smile crept across her face. It had hurt when he'd told her it was doe, as Lily's had been, as much as she hadn't wanted it to, as much as it shouldn't have, it had hurt. But then she'd looked beyond the species…
'It's you, Hermione.'
The memory of his strained words all those weeks ago were ingrained forever into her brain. He'd been through so much, suffered so greatly, and yet had such a huge capacity for love. It left her in wonder.
The sex they'd had the last time she'd seen him had been unbelievable. All that had happened was a confused mixture of heat and cold, touches and pleasure, lust so strong it made her dizzy to even think of it. She loved being close to him, she loved the way he held her so tightly, she loved the smell of his skin, the crinkles around his eyes when he gave her a rare smile, she loved the way he looked at her, the sound of his voice, his sarcasm and biting humour.
She remembered the way he'd frozen as she'd nuzzled his neck. Hermione frowned.
'It's just … too much.'
How could a gesture so innocent be too much? She almost understood why she couldn't touch his scars, she could sort of see how he would think that was too much, but his neck… It was the first time that, in hindsight, she felt a little out of her depth. He was a very damaged man. Not being able to accept that kind of affection ... and not knowing why… Some scars went deep, too deep. If by some miracle they both survived this war … would she never be able to touch him, cuddle him? Was he too broken for them to have a real life together away from all this chaos? Would he ever fully trust her? She sighed and shook her head. There was little point worrying about such things in the present. Their locations were taking them into towns that knew magic; Snatchers were a threat to them too now.
It was almost time for her watch, it was late evening, and she didn't feel much like reading about horcruxes again, she didn't seem to be getting anywhere, and they were truly gruesome. Sighing again, she grabbed her beaded bag and rummaged through, looking for inspiration. Hermione really wished she'd brought more books now. Throwing her hands up in frustration, she decided to take the whole bag with her, and perhaps flick through a number of books as the night wore on.
"Go inside Ron." She said quietly.
"Thanks. What's Harry doing?"
"He's pretending to be asleep." She rolled her eyes and Ron grinned ruefully.
"I'll see if I can pull him out of it."
"Well I couldn't. I wish you luck."
With a smile and a wave, Ron went inside the tent, and Hermione sat herself outside the entrance, bag on the floor, Hogwarts: A History on her lap.
It was a few hours later that she began to notice the boys' gentle snores, she smiled to herself, and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders.
"Miss Granger!"
Hermione leapt out of her skin, stumbling to her feet, wand in hand as her heart hammered in her chest.
"Miss Granger!"
Where was it coming from? The clearing they were camping in was dark and quiet as it should be.
"Down here!"
Automatically, her gaze drifted downwards, and fell on her beaded bag. Frowning, she pulled out the frame of Phineas Nigellus, stunned to see him gesticulating madly in the centre.
"Headmaster Black?" For once his voice hadn't been sneering, that was surely why she hadn't recognised it.
"Miss Granger you need to get to Hogwarts."
"What? Why?"
"It's Headmaster Snape."
Everything slowly went cold. She gripped the frame with white knuckles, willing her heart rate to slow.
"What's happened?"
"We're not sure. He was Summoned early this morning, we think he was hurt, but we'd received word from one of the monks downstairs that the Carrows were torturing a second year, and sent Severus to intervene before he could make his report to Dumbledore. When he returned…"
The Slytherin paused, looking troubled rather than indifferent or gloating.
"Tell me." She urged, as dread began to fill her body.
"He stormed into his quarters without a word. The nun in the entrance said she caught a glimpse of an explosion before he slammed the door. We've heard nothing since."
Hermione squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.
She summoned the bag of Potions Severus had left her, sending a silent prayer of thanks when she found the dreamless sleep vial inside.
"Are the wards down in his office?" She asked quietly.
"No." Said the late Headmaster grimly. "Only the current Headmaster can take them down, and Severus…"
"Okay." She answered, feeling a swell of fear run through her. "Will I be able to get in through the gates?"
"Dumbledore thinks so; you're no threat, your intentions are good and you may still be recognised as a student."
Nodding, she summoned Harry's cloak.
"What's the password to his office?"
"Order."
"Okay."
Silently, she stunned the sleeping boys, ruthlessly quashing the guilt she felt, and tipped an 8 hour dose of the sleeping potion down both of their throats, not daring to give them more. With a bit of luck, they'd wake after she returned, none the wiser and regretful that they'd allowed her to take watch for so long.
She gathered the beaded bag, and picked up the portrait.
"Be careful Granger." He said, the informality of address catching her by surprise. "Be quick and quiet and careful. Hogwarts is not a safe place anymore, you must not be caught, you shouldn't be anywhere near the castle, but this is the first time I have ever known Severus' control to slip."
Hermione nodded, blinking back tears.
"How did you know…?"
"We all witnessed your encounter with Severus after he killed Dumbledore. One doesn't need to be a genius to figure it out. And Dumbledore made you a promise, did he not?"
She nodded again, flashing Headmaster Black the smallest of smiles, then slipping his frame back into her bag. Taking a deep breath in, she pulled the cloak over her shoulders, walked out of the protective enchantments surrounding their tent, took a deep breath, and thought of Hogwarts.
She reappeared outside the gates, feeling a flutter of relief that she'd made it in one piece when she was so desperate to get to Severus. The castle looked different. It was probably only because it was night, and she knew about the horrors that took place inside its walls, but it seemed … colder … darker … more forbidding. Sighing, she tightened the cloak around her, making sure it was covering her feet, then slowly reached a hand out to try the gates. They swung open at once, and Hermione almost sobbed with gratitude.
Then she ran. The driveway seemed almost unbearably long as she sprinted towards the castle, her footsteps on the floor the only sound. Giving herself a minute to catch her breath, she sent a silent plea out into the world, then tried the huge double doors.
They opened too, but with an audible groan that sent a jolt of fear through her, before she had the chance to feel relieved. She almost headed towards the dungeons on autopilot, but stopped herself and began towards the headmaster's office.
Hogwarts was eerily quiet, ominously quiet. It was strange; for so many months she'd longed to be back here, longed to walk the corridors, touch the stone, hear her footfalls on the floors, but now she was creeping through the place like a criminal, sticking to the shadows, on edge and scared, the thought of Severus the only thing that stopped her from turning tail and running.
On the 3rd floor, she rounded a corner and found herself facing none other than Minerva McGonagall. Her hand few to her mouth to prevent the gasp escaping her, but she must have made some noise, because her Head of House stared in her direction for some time, eyes narrowed. She looked so old. Old and tired and stressed. It hit Hermione with a pang; the woman had lost one of her oldest friends, completely unexpectedly, believing one of her colleagues to have betrayed them all, and done the deed. Now the place she had treasured for so long endorsed torture and Darkness. She resisted the urge to reveal herself to the older woman; there was no way she could explain her presence, and any attempt would take far too long, she needed to get to Severus. Hermione shook her head and watched McGonagall turn and walk away with and odd aching in her chest.
Giving herself a mental shake, she carried on her journey, thankfully seeing no one else, and breathing a shallow sigh of relief when she reached the gargoyle guarding Severus' office.
"Order."
It was a strange password really, was it a reference to the Order of the Phoenix? Order from chaos?
She took the stairs up two at a time, throwing the door open, and pulling off the cloak when she was sure it was empty. Her brain was such a mix of relief, fear, apprehension and sadness that for a minute she had no idea what to do, and looked aimlessly around for inspiration.
"Miss Granger."
She looked up into the serious face of Albus Dumbledore, for once not twinkling.
"Go to him."
Hermione nodded, but didn't move.
"I … I don't know what's happened. I don't know what to say." She confessed.
"You'll know when you see him. The two of you have overcome so much, this too will pass. Severus is so strong, I, myself sometimes forget that he is human, but he needs you, Miss Granger, go to him."
Again she nodded, "Thank you." She glanced at the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. "Both of you."
And before she had a chance to overthink, she walked purposefully to the door at the rear of the office, and let herself into the quarters beyond.
His sitting room was in shambles, and she was reminded strongly of going to his office in 5th year after Harry's Occlumency lessons. Swallowing, she made her way carefully through the rubble, noting absently that the books were scattered on the floor, but all still intact, whilst the same could not be said for the bookshelves, the table or the sofas. She walked to his bedroom with her heart in her throat, holding her breath, and pushing open the door…
He was sat on the floor with his back against the bed, his right shoulder resting on the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, and his arms wrapped protectively around himself.
"Severus?"
He didn't move, but she saw him tense. Slowly, she walked further into the room, into his field of vision, but he was staring resolutely at the wall. If it wasn't for his position, it wouldn't have been at all obvious that there was anything wrong; he didn't look upset, or hurt, he looked … removed … unfeeling. Perhaps he was occluding. The thought sent a shiver over her.
"Severus."
He still didn't move, or look at her. She swallowed her fear, and sank to the ground by his side.
"Severus look at me."
To her surprise he complied immediately, his cold black eyes meeting her startled amber ones, his face entirely impassive.
"Hi." She said quietly, then blushed at her own words, still he stared at her, apparently indifferent to her sudden arrival in his bedroom.
"The portrait of Phineas Nigellus that I took from Headquarters told me to come, I made Dumbledore promise that he would make you contact me if things got too bad here, I guess he did the next best thing."
Her words were met with silence.
"Severus…" She reached a hand out to him, gently touching his arm. "W-why are your robes wet?"
Still he did nothing but stare at her, and something like panic began to flow through her veins, how long had he been sitting here, in soaking wet clothes, what had happened?
"Headmaster Black said you were summoned this morning, and hurt? He said the Carrows had done something bad while you were gone?"
The intensity of his gaze increased, but that was the only response she got from him.
"Will you tell me what happened?"
…
"Severus?"
…
"Severus please!"
She fell silent and considered her options. She could leave, but she knew she wouldn't, she'd never leave him like this, the rest of the wizarding world could go hang. She could Stun him or something, then maybe when he woke he'd be back to normal? No, that was silly. Was there some sort of spell that could help him? But even if there was, she didn't actually know what was wrong. If they had more time, she was sure he'd be able to pull himself out of it alone, then they'd be able to talk it through afterwards, but they really had so little time. Sighing, Hermione gritted her teeth, and braced herself for what was to come. This was an incredibly reckless course of action to take. Which was actually quite fitting in a way.
In one swift movement, she leant towards him, and pushed both of her hands onto his chest, onto the forbidden zone. The effect was instantaneous. He grabbed her wrists hard, pushed her over onto her back, and pinned her arms to the floor above her head. His breathing was ragged, coming out it hot bursts from his mouth, his crooked teeth bared in a wordless snarl. Hermione swallowed.
"I'm sorry." She said quietly, striving to sound calm. "I didn't know how else to get through to you."
The slightest of creases formed between his brows.
"It's me, Hermione. I know you won't hurt me Severus. Do you know why I began to question what had happened when Dumbledore died?"
She paused, but wasn't surprised when he didn't respond, or make any movement.
"It was something Lupin said. We were talking about what had happened, and he said that if Luna and I hadn't done as you'd asked, you probably would have killed us. And I knew that wasn't true, I knew then that you would never hurt me. And I know that now, too. I love you Severus. And I know you would never hurt me. I know you love me too."
The words were out of her mouth before she had a chance to realise what she was saying, but she knew she was right. Severus loved her. Everything he'd done for her, everything he'd risked for her… And his words came back as well 'I cannot do this without you… You cannot know what you mean to me', 'You know me better than anyone… I don't know what I'd do without you.' She thought of his patronus, and the incredible trust he'd shown in her…
Of course all of this had run through her head in a fraction of a second. During which, Severus' eyes had widened, his mouth hanging slack, a tortured expression overtaking his face, he looked on the verge of pain. He released her, and drew back, sitting up, and leaning once again on the bed, regarding her with a wary expression.
"Severus? Are you back with me?"
Slowly he nodded, and she breathed out a sigh of pure relief, sitting up and shuffling closer to him.
"You love me." She breathed.
He pinned her with a heavy, wide-eyed stare, looking suddenly very young, and very afraid.
Then he nodded.
Something hot and joyous erupted from her heart, but she supressed her jubilation, for now, at least.
Silently she reached a hand to him, resting her left palm on his right cheek. He leant his face into her touch, and she leant towards him, grazing his temple with her lips. A gasping noise escaped his throat and she wrapped her free arm around his shoulders.
"Severus you're soaking. We need to get you out of these robes you must be freezing."
As if on cue, he shivered.
"Are you hurt?"
"It is not life threatening." He said quietly, and she frowned in response, casting a rudimentary diagnostic charm she'd taught herself last year.
"You're bleeding! Your back-"
He shrugged and Hermione felt a fission of unease run down her spine.
"Clothes off," she demanded. "You're wet and cold and I need to see your back." Wordlessly she lit the fire. "Undo your buttons."
"You do it."
She gaped at him mindlessly for a minute, then shrugged and positioned herself close to him, starting with the buttons on his cuffs, then beginning the daunting task of slowly and carefully lifting each button on his teaching robes away from his chest as she undid them. Hermione focused intently on what she was doing, not wanting to break the trust he was giving her, after she'd deliberately done something she'd known he would absolutely hate. She could feel his heavy gaze on her face, but didn't look up. She wasn't sure if he was less tense this time, or if he was already so tense that she couldn't notice the difference.
When she was finally done, Severus leant forwards, and she pushed the garment off his shoulders, watching it fall to the floor and pool around him. She paused.
"Do you want me to do your shirt too?"
Again, his black eyes bored into hers, and he nodded.
She swallowed.
"Okay."
Blinking back irrational tears, she repeated the process, taking great care not to touch him directly. She heard him swallow when her hands were hovering over his heart, and placed a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth, hoping to distract and reassure him as she carried on.
When she reached the last button, she pulled the shirt out of his trousers, supressing a smile at his happy trail, then gently placed her hands inside his shirt, on the top of his shoulders. He flinched, but didn't move away, and she gently pushed it off him as well, grimacing as she pulled it off the wound on his back, then breathing a little easier.
"I need to see your back."
Silently, he turned away from her, and she had to supress a gasp as 4 ragged, bleeding slices of flesh met her eyes. He was right, they weren't life threatening, but they must have hurt like hell.
"Severus what happened?"
He shook his head.
She gritted her teeth, and started gently syphoning off the dried blood so see could see the gashes a little better. It looked like it had been done slowly and deliberately with a knife. Hermione took a deep breath in, trying to ignore the tangy scent of blood that greeted her, and did her best to neatly close the wounds. She looked around for her beaded bag, then pulled out the little bottle of dittany, conjuring a cotton ball with her wand.
"I haven't closed them very well, I don't know all that much about healing, and they're in such an awkward place I'm worried they'll reopen if you move too much. I need to apply dittany. I won't touch you directly, just with cotton wool. This really needs doing."
He crossed his legs, rested his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. That small movement made the newly formed skin stretch to the point of breaking. She could see the curve of his spine and his vulnerability struck her, but strengthened her resolve.
"Is that okay Severus?"
"Yes." He whispered, his tone suggesting that it was anything but.
Gritting her teeth once more, she soaked the cotton ball with the solution, and placed it at the top of the first cut.
He flinched away from her as if she'd stabbed him.
Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she began the decent downwards, trying not to think about how much pain he must have been in, trying not to think of all the other scars that littered his pale skin. He jerked left and right as she moved.
"It'll be over quicker if you try to keep still." She said gently.
"I am." He snapped.
But as she finished the first wound and went to tend to the second, his body began to shake. It wasn't like normal shaking, it was too jerky, too uncontrolled. She finished the second in record time.
"Is it because you're cold, or is it…?"
"I don't know." He gasped. "I – I'm sorry."
"Do not apologise." She said firmly, making quick word of the third cut, pleased to note that the dittany was doing its job well.
The forth took longer, Severus' body was quite clearly outside of his control, and the cut changed direction twice as it went down, she wanted to make sure the whole wound was covered.
"Okay." She said finally. "It's okay, I'm done."
He took a gulping breath in, but to her alarm, did not calm.
"Are you cold?"
He nodded, and she shifted round to face him, pulling his head out of his hands and taking it in her own.
"We're going to shower, okay? Your back's healed enough, and it will warm you up."
He nodded again, but didn't move.
"Sit back."
Hermione undid the laces of his boots, and eased them off his feet, pulling his socks off after.
"Come on." She stood, and held out her hands, helping him unsteadily to his feet. They made their way slowly to the bathroom, Severus being unusually unsteady.
She turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature to merely warm, then turned, and began to take her clothes off, feeling suddenly very shy. Severus watched her with a hint of fear in his eyes that troubled her. When she was standing naked in front of him, she reached out slowly to undo his trousers. He let her, his hair falling around his face in greasy curtains as he watched her hands. His shaking turned into shivers as she pulled his underwear down, and helped him to step out of it. Keeping hold of his hands, she led him into the shower. It was easily big enough for two, and the water poured down on them both, but Severus was stood as far away from her as he could be.
He looked so lost.
Swiftly coming to a decision, she pulled him towards her, closing the distance between them, then wrapping her arms around his neck.
For a moment he didn't respond, standing rigid in her embrace, but she waited, holding her breath, and finally his arms came around her, clutching her to him, frantically, desperately, their wet, naked bodies pressed together, inch for inch.
A strangled groan escaped his mouth and he turned his face into her neck. Not wanting to let go, she managed to wandlessly turn the temperature up, hoping the increase would stop him shivering against her.
"It's okay." She whispered, knowing full well that it probably wasn't. "I love you Severus, I love you so much, and nothing that's happened today, nothing that will ever happen could possibly change that. I love you unconditionally."
"Stop." He said raggedly. "Stop, you can't – I don't deserve-"
"Yes you do!" She told him fiercely. "And even if you didn't, it's not for you to decide. Now tell me what happened today, from the beginning."
He sighed against her skin, and she took the opportunity to turn the temperature up a little more, before he began speaking.
"I was Summoned early this morning. The Dark Lord is not happy about how I have handled the students' attempts at a rebellion. He's also received word that a few of the students have gone missing. They're not really missing of course, they're hiding out in the Room of Requirement, though I did not disclose that. While they're in the Room, they're safe. I've been doing everything I can to keep the Dark Lord away from Hogwarts, but it hasn't been easy. I was punished for all these things, but I suspect it was mostly because he was simply in a bad mood, and wanted someone to take it out on. I don't know why he punished me the muggle way … but it was one cut for each student unaccounted for, then I was allowed to dress, but doused with ice water by some of the new recruits. Their reward, I should imagine. He kept me with him at length afterwards, I believe he gets pleasure from knowing we are suffering, and not able to do a damn thing about it. He made lots of speeches, listened to us make various reports … then Bellatrix brought in 2 muggles, and their 2 muggleborn children, it was a gift, he told us, a celebration of how far we'd come. Children are tortured first, then the Mother, then the Father. The Mother was mostly silent, but the Father screamed the entire time. We took it in turns, it was almost like a show; those who used the more creative, more painful curses were applauded."
He paused, and Hermione realised she was probably holding onto him hard enough to hurt. The detail was excruciating. Her eyes were tight, hot, but no tears were coming.
"These events are not common, and it is rare that I have to take part. I wasn't really … prepared … I wasn't … expecting it. I returned to Hogwarts in the evening, and I just wanted to sit, and think, and maybe talk to you, but then I had to go to the Carrows-"
For the first time, his breathing hitched, and his voice broke off. She could feel his shallow breaths in and out, and turned her head around to kiss by his ear. He took a few deep breaths in, holding them for a few seconds before breathing shakily out.
"They'd tortured a second year – one of my Slytherin's – to the point of … madness. Apparently he'd tried to stop Amycus from cursing a first year. They must have been at it for hours. He was bleeding, shaking, God knows how long he'd been exposed to the Cruciatus for, he'd soiled himself over and over again…" He took a few more measured breaths, continuing in a tortured voice. "I had to pretend I didn't care, and come up with some passable excuse as to why they should stop. I had words with them about acting without my permission but that was all I could do. They are getting increasingly bold. I carried the boy to the hospital wing, but I doubt he will ever recover. He was one of my charges. He was a bright, agreeable boy with real potential. And now…"
"Severus." She said quietly, "Listen to me-"
"NO. No I will not listen to you." He snapped, but tightened his hold on her, as if he was worried she would withdraw. "Do not tell me that things would be worse if I wasn't here. I know that. I know it would be, but knowing doesn't make it any better. If I cannot protect the students, if I cannot protect anyone, then what is the point to this? What is the point to any of this? I was supposed to keep them safe, and I cannot. I was supposed to protect Potter, and I cannot. Why do I bother? I may as well go to the Dark Lord this evening, confess my treachery, and accept my fate for all the good I'm doing here."
She waited, tears still stinging unshed in her eyes. Waited in silence until his breathing slowed and his body finally calmed. She waited, forming an argument, holding him close, memorising the feel of his skin against hers.
"You saved a boy's life today Severus." Hermione said quietly. "I know he may not recover, but at least he has a chance, and that is because of you, do not doubt that, and do not doubt that he would by no means be the first to suffer like that if it wasn't for you. And there was nothing you could have done for those muggles, or their children. You are brilliant, but you could never have fought off an entire group of Death Eaters and You-Know-Who himself. You did it to maintain your cover, in the hope of gaining more knowledge, and to keep yourself here. I know you can't do as much as you would like to protect the students Severus, but all any of us can do is our best, and I know you're doing yours, above and beyond."
"I know I'm being … foolish …" he whispered finally. "But there just seems so little to … to live for."
The first tear finally made its way hotly down her cheek, mixing with the water from the shower and draining away.
"If that isn't enough anymore, then I need to you listen very carefully. You live for this. For us. For you and me in the shower in the middle of the night. You live for our life after the war."
"But … if there was an after for us… Hermione if the Dark Lord was gone … I would be the most hated wizard in Britain. Your life would be as good as ruined if you ever so much as mentioned my name. I do not wish to … to inflict that kind of burden on you-"
"Severus!" She scolded. "We would prove your innocence. However bad it was, it couldn't be worse than what we've already been through, what we're going through now. And if it really was as horrific as you're imagining, if it really looked as if we couldn't prove your loyalty, then we'd just relocate to some faraway country."
"Just like that?" His voice was laced with doubt.
"Yes. Of course."
"If there was an after … you would have a chance to make a real life for yourself, here. The life you deserve… And I-"
"And you'd better be in it! Severus when are you going to accept that I love you. Forever."
And he loved her too. Knowing he loved her, having him confirm it made her brave.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old and grey and senile together. I want to go to sleep in your arms and wake up by your side. I want spend my days trying to make you smile, I want to drink hot chocolate and know everything about you, I want to talk about potions and transfiguration and berate the Ministry of Magic. For better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." Tears were streaming down her face now, hot and heavy, her voice almost shrill. "But most of all, more than anything else, I want to spend my life proving to you that you are worthy. If we have to move away, we will. Live for that. Please. Because I don't want an after if you're not going to be in it."
He pulled himself out of her embrace, her hands slipped onto his shoulders, not wanting to lose contact, and for the longest of times, he simply stared at her, his face unreadable. It was strange seeing him wet. His hair was dripping, and made him look smaller somehow. She'd been fantasising about a nice, warm shower for months, but now she only had room in her head for the man in front of her. Nothing else mattered.
Suddenly something inside him seemed to snap, and his hands were on her, as he picked her up bodily and pulled her against him. Unable to smother her smile, she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.
"You must never leave me." He whispered. "Never."
"Never." She agreed, clinging onto him.
And they remained that way until Severus' arms eventually tired, and she slid gently down his body, smiling at him, then led him out of the shower. There was a large black dressing gown hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Silently, Hermione made a copy, then draped the first around Severus, helping him into it, and tying it snugly around him. She slipped into the second, then took his hand and led him to the lounge. Sighing at the destruction that met her eyes, she fixed one of the sofas and the table with a wave of her wand, deciding the rest could wait till later.
"Do you think you could eat anything?"
He shook his head.
"Not even some toast?"
"No. But are you hungry? You may as well take the opportunity to eat."
"I could eat a few slices of toast."
A tray of toast, jam, butter and honey appeared before her.
"Wow."
She buttered two slices, and handed one to Severus, who took it automatically, then scowled at her.
"I don't want it."
"Please just have a few mouthfuls. Have you eaten anything else today?"
His silence told her everything she needed to know and she glared at him until he reluctantly took a bite. She kept her eyes on her own food as he ate, not wanting to put him off, and realised delightedly that he'd managed the whole slice.
"Were you occluding when I arrived?" She asked tentatively.
"No." He answered. "Not consciously at least. I believe I was … in shock."
"I'm not surprised."
"No." He agreed. "But I'm sorry for the way I reacted when you touched me."
"You really don't need to apologise Severus, I knew how you'd react, and I'm sorry I did it, I just didn't know how else to get through to you."
"I… I could feel everything slipping away…" He paused. "When you arrived, unannounced in my rooms I … I thought I was hallucinating. I thought I'd finally gone mad. How on earth did you get in?"
"I came through the front gates." She almost laughed at the shock on his face. "I had Harry's cloak, so I was relatively safe, and Headmaster Black had told me the password to your office."
"You put yourself in unimaginable danger! You shouldn't have come, you should never have put yourself at risk, if you'd been discovered…"
"It was worth the risk." She said firmly. "You are worth the risk, and don't pretend that you wouldn't have done the same if our positions had been reversed."
He opened his mouth, still looking angry, then promptly shut it again, and she knew she was right. Hermione grinned triumphantly, and though he scowled in return, his eyes were shining.
"In the bathroom …" She paused. "You were … apprehensive … when I took my clothes off. Why was that?"
Severus frowned, looking uncomfortable.
"I … I thought you were … I thought you wanted … sex." To her surprise he blushed. "And I didn't – I wasn't really…"
"In the mood?" She supplied, and he nodded. "Severus I know I'm forward at times, but there's a time and a place, and that wasn't it. And if you ever don't want to … you must just tell me."
He nodded again.
"That was the first time I would have been anything close to reluctant."
"I think we should try to get a few hours sleep." She told him a little while later. "I gave the boys the dreamless sleep you left, so they'll be out for the count for a while yet."
"I will not sleep." He told her.
"Well, we may as well try."
When they re-entered the bedroom, Hermione noticed that the chest of drawers had one drawer open. She cast a curious glance at Severus, and he shrugged, looking uncomfortable again, but made no move to stop her as she went over to it.
Inside, neatly folded were 3 blankets she recognised as being of her own making, one she vaguely recalled Severus had conjured for her when she'd fallen asleep in his rooms, and the cloak she'd given him one night after he'd been summoned. On top was a note.
'I hope you feel better, Professor Snape.'
Tears stung in her eyes as she turned to him.
"You kept all this?"
He nodded.
"They were some of the only items I bothered moving here from the dungeons." He looked embarrassed. "I didn't think of you then, as I do now, when I kept them originally, it wasn't some twisted fantasy or obsession-"
"Of course not." She interrupted.
"Yes. Well… At the time I just … I wanted to keep them as a reminder... A reminder of something good as my world got increasingly Dark. You don't know what your kindness meant to someone like me. When you took the cloak off your own back to give to me…" He shook his head, as if he still couldn't comprehend what had happened.
Hermione picked up the note.
"When I wrote this," she said quietly. "That was the night I realised I was falling in love with you."
He stared at her, wide-eyed and shocked.
"Then?" He asked incredulously.
"Yes." She smiled. "I've been yours for a long time Severus."
She turned the parchment over and summoned a pen.
'I love you more than anything.' She wrote, then replaced it in the drawer.
"Anything?" He asked, failing to keep the hope out of his voice.
"Anything." She answered firmly, and grinned in response to the beautiful smile that swept onto his face.
His eyes averted, he reached forward and took both of her hands in his. It was a gesture that should have been awkward for him, tender as it was, but somehow it seemed entirely natural.
"I want-" He broke off, and a flush found its way high onto his cheeks.
"What do you want?" She asked softly. "You only have to ask Severus."
His black eyes rose to meet hers, and there was such a gentle look on his harsh features she felt her breath catch in her throat.
And then he lent forward, and kissed her. It was so soft, so gentle at first, but then it deepened, and she could taste toast and butter and Severus. Hermione wrapped her arms around his neck as he tugged her close to him, and the way he was holding her, kissing her … she knew he was showing her that he loved her. And so she allowed him to be in complete control, perhaps it would help somehow; the rest of his life was so outside of his control … but this … this was his.
He broke the kiss, and stared reverently into her eyes, his gaze heated, but calm. His fingers grazed down the skin from her temple round to her chin, and down to the base of her throat. It was the lightest of touches, but it sent a shiver down her spine and made desire unfurl, hot and flighty in her stomach.
"I want to-"
"I know." She said breathlessly. "Me too. If you're sure."
He nodded, a trace of apprehension streaking across his face, before his hands found the cord on her dressing gown, and undid it. His fingers stroked down the new skin exposed to him, his touch eliciting goose-bumps across her chest, but made no further move.
"Take it off." He ordered, a shadow of Professor Snape's authority in his voice.
Smiling, Hermione pushed the robe off her shoulders, and watched it fall to the floor around her. She'd felt self-conscious being naked before him only a short while ago, but this was different. This was known and safe and special.
Silently, his hands skimmed over her shoulders, down to her hands, and he placed a soft kiss onto her right palm. His hands roamed over her waist next, under her breasts, over her nipples, which hardened against his thumbs, and an involuntary shiver ran through her.
"Are you cold?" He asked softly.
She shook her head. The fire was still burning in the hearth, the room was warm.
"You're beautiful." He whispered, another flush flaring on his sallow skin. "Far too beautiful for me."
She opened her mouth to protest, but he was kissing her again before she had a chance, and the thought slipped her mind as he held her against him, his hands running over her bare skin, his damp hair on her face.
As the kiss broke, Hermione wondered how she had ever thought his dark eyes were nothing more than cold and impenetrable. She could see so much in them now. There was still pain, still a hint of fear or apprehension, but desire burned brightly in their depths, desire and … love. He loved her. Very much.
Smiling, she ran her fingers slowly along the length of his erection, not trying to take control from him, but letting him know that she wanted this too, and kissed under his ear, delighting in the subtle shiver it elicited from him. He took her hands, and placed them on the cord of his own robe, and she silently undid it, watching him push it off with her pulse quickening at the sight of him naked before her. She inspected him properly for perhaps her first time since he had revealed his body to her all those month ago. He'd lost weight since then. His skin was so pale, tight over his hips and ribs, littered with scars, so many scars. They made the thin, wiry hair on his chest patchy and uneven, and though it was true that they changed nothing of her love, or desire for him, the cruelty of them suddenly struck her. And they went so deep as well. She thought of someone throwing red paint over a priceless painting, and her throat suddenly became tight.
"What is it?" He asked, and she noticed how his stance had changed since she'd began her inspection. He was no longer relaxed, or striving to be, his back was rigid, but there was a slight hunch to his shoulders that told her just how much her observation had unsettled him.
"I…" The last thing she wanted to do now was to ruin this moment between them, and she searched desperately for the right words. "I just wish you hadn't suffered so much Severus. No one likes to see the people they love hurt."
His face became unreadable, and for a terrible moment she thought she'd insulted him, but then he pulled her into his arms, kissing her, entwining his fingers into her hair, and everything else slowly flitted away. He walked deliberately back to the bed, not breaking his hold on her, then carefully lowered her down to lie on her back, lying down on his side, next to her.
Hermione lay there, watching him, anticipation making her breathless and needy as she fought the urge to jump on top of him and get things going.
Severus kissed down her throat, along the edge of her collar bone, across her breasts, glancing up every now and then as he did so, as if to check he was allowed. When his fingers finally found their way between her legs, Hermione cried out, and felt a smile against her skin as he stroked and caressed the most intimate part of her being. Suddenly he grabbed her knee, and pulled her over, on top of him. Hermione gasped in surprise, her hands flying out to balance her, and landing on the front of his shoulders, dangerously close to the forbidden zone. He froze, but she quickly shifted her hands up higher, and kissed him, very gently, until he finally relaxed, a groan running through him, and began to kiss her back in earnest. His hands eventually found her hips, and pushed her backwards, lifting her up at the same time to hover over him, with deliberate slowness, she sunk onto him, slowly claiming him as he filled her. Severus let go of her hips, and offered her his hands, which she took, moving up and down three times, before he abruptly sat up, pulling them both backwards so he could lean back, facing her, nose to nose.
It was so full in this position, Hermione grasped his arms, her fingers digging into his skin as she adjusted. He kissed her, giving her time, on of his hands tangled in her hair, the other on the small of her back, and part of her heart wanted this to last forever.
"You make me feel … whole." He murmured, and something hot and sad and joyous exploded in her heart, rushing round her body and setting every inch of her on fire.
"I love you too." She whispered back, and a groan that sounded almost painful escaped from his thin lips at her words. He rolled them both over, so that she was once again on her back, with him looming beautifully above her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and for a moment that felt like a little infinity, they both simply looked at one another. There was love in his eyes, as she knew there was in hers, and she reached her fingers up to touch him, to stroke down his nose, to feel along his cheekbone, to brush against his bottom lip.
Finally he began to move, agonisingly slow, each thrust, each roll of his hips exquisite, pleasurable to the point of pain, his soft moans matching her own.
The only other noise came from their mingled breaths, and the crackle of the fire. Each movement was so controlled, so steady and sent her gradually higher. She strained to keep her eyes open, to watch the man she loved so deeply move above her, giving her something so precious. Finally she felt her body begin to quiver, Severus' breathing became more ragged, everything began to tighten, and as her body arched and her head fell backwards, she heard Severus' cry mingle with her own, as he tumbled over the edge with her.
She laid quietly in his arms for a time, sleepy and satisfied as his fingers trailed over the skin of her waist. They'd stumbled under the covers almost immediately, and were now a tangle of duvet and arms and legs.
"How long until you must return?" He asked her quietly, and a stab of pain shot through her bloodstream.
"A few hours yet." She answered, absently checking the time. "We should try and get a few hours' sleep."
"I will not sleep." He said stubbornly, and she rolled her eyes.
"Well if you don't try, you definitely won't."
He let out a long-suffering sigh.
"My eyes are shut. I am not asleep."
"Severus!" She was torn between amusement and annoyance. "If you're not going to sleep then at least just relax for a few hours. Enjoy the fact that we're together, warm, relatively safe and have no place else to be, for now."
He sighed again, but she felt some of the tension leave his body, and with his fingers now gently stroking her hair, sleep claimed her rather quickly.
Hermione woke with a jolt a few hours later, remembering that she would need to leave soon. Glancing over, she saw that Severus was asleep, his arms still around her. She didn't want to leave him. Sighing against the tears that appeared in her eyes, she shifted slightly to watch him. He was so beautiful, it wasn't that he was beautiful in spite of his flaws, he'd somehow become beautiful because of them. To her, at least. His nose was still hooked, his skin was still sallow, his cheeks were still sunken, but it wouldn't be him if he was different. And she loved him.
His eyelids began to flutter open as if he sensed her scrutiny, and all at once his dark eyes met hers. She smiled at him, but she thought there was probably a lot of melancholy in her face, because there certainly was in Severus' face, as he watched her.
With great reluctance she pulled herself out of bed, and made her way slowly to the bathroom, relieving herself, then dragging her clothes back on. When she returned to the bedroom, Severus was sat on the bed in the dressing gown, staring pensively at the fire. She sat next to him and took his large, pale hand in her own.
"If something like this happens again I need to know that you'll contact me, or at least not forbid Headmaster Black from doing so."
"I will not put you in greater danger than you are already in." He answered stiffly.
"If I am in trouble, if I am hurt or upset, do you want me to contact you?"
"Of course I do." He said angrily
"Well I won't." She insisted. "I won't unless I know you would do me the same courtesy."
He opened his mouth, his black eyes blazing, but then shut it again, looking confused.
"I don't want any harm to come to you Hermione."
"I don't want any harm to come to me either, or to you, but we're in this together, we need to be able to rely on each other. Okay?"
He frowned, but nodded and she decided that was the best she was going to get from him.
"I'd better go." She sighed. "I love you."
He turned, grasped her head, and kissed her. It was a beautiful kiss.
"I'll see you again. Soon." She said fiercely, blinking away her tears.
"Soon." He said, looking sceptical, but perhaps less so than usual.
She gathered her things, ignoring the pain in her chest, then bent forward to press a kiss to Severus' forehead.
"The wards are down." He said hoarsely. "Be safe."
"You too." She answered, and gazed into his eyes once more, before she decided not to prolong the agony of her departure, and turned into darkness.
She'd managed to stop crying by the time the boys woke, stumbling out into the sunlight, groggy and confused.
"You've been on watch all this time?!" Said Harry, shocked and accusatory.
"You were both so deeply asleep," she answered, sidestepping the question. "I was feeling inexplicably charitable and didn't want to wake you."
She smiled at the indignation on both of their faces.
"Don't worry, I'll sleep now, and when I wake up I expect tea and breakfast."
With a wave a slight chuckle, she made her way inside the tent, changing into her pyjamas, and curling up under the covers, the memory of Severus' arms around her sending her into a surprisingly restful sleep.
Hope you enjoyed it :)
Guest - Thank you! The mirror banter was very fun to write ;)
Retwin - Another chapter down ;) Maybe one day Severus will will accept it, we shall see! Glad you're enjoying it, hope you liked this chapter and thank you for reviewing x