"I'm sorry buddy", the words vibrated through Sonny's skull as he watched the man who raised him drop to the floor, Suddenly Sonny's eyes shot open and he found himself in the safety of his new room. After Matt left, Sonny's sleep had been plagued with nightmares, he'd spent the entire night tossing and turning as he dreamt of the last time he saw Ryder. As he sat bolt upright in his bed he repeated his mantra in his head,
"Ryders alive" he gasped over and over until his breathing began to settle. It was still dark outside but Sonny didn't want to go back to sleep, he didn't want another one of those stupid dreams, because that's all they were just horrible nightmares, It wasn't a memory insisted Sonny. As he moved to sit on the edge of the bed he noticed his notebook had been placed on the bedside table, he couldn't remember putting it there, as he studied his surroundings he realised someone had also given him an extra blanket at some point during the night. Sonny sighed as he pushed the hair out of his eyes, Matt and Kelly seemed like really good people but he was petrified of disappointing them, or worse getting attached to them and them leaving him behind, just like Eve and Ryder did.
A quick glance at the clock hanging on the wall told him that it was four am. Despite the early hour Sonny didn't think he could spend one more second staring at the same four walls. He grabbed his notebook and walked towards his bedroom door before pausing for a few seconds,Ryder always told him to stay inside the motel room, he wondered briefly if Matt or Kelly would be annoyed at him for wandering around the house. He shook away his worry and stepped into the hall, if he stayed in his room any longer his thoughts would suffocate him. He clutched his notebook to his chest and padded down the hallway studying the photos littering the walls. Most of them were of Kelly and Matt with other people Sonny didn't recognise, there was one of Kelly and a blonde girl laughing and smiling, another of Matt and Kelly with a third firefighter who looked vaguely familiar, all of the photos radiated happiness and joy. There was even more pictures downstairs but they looked more recent, except for one, it was in a small brown frame displayed on a shelf in the living room. The young boy hesitantly reached out and picked up the frame, it was heavier than he expected; his fingers fumbled causing it to slip out of his grasp. Fortunately he managed to catch it before it went hurdling towards the floor. Absent mindely sonny stumbled back and dropped down onto the nearby sofa, his focus still glued to the photo in his hands. It was a photo of a younger looking Matt, a woman and a small boy he guessed was himself. Sonny had never seen a photo of himself before, but the blonde teen paid little attention to his younger self, he found his eyes drawn to the woman hugging him tightly.
"I remember that day" announced a voice from behind Sonny causing the young boy to jump, he had been too focused on the photo to hear the sound of footsteps approaching.
"Is that" tailed off Sonny not tearing his gaze away from the frame.
" Yeah, that's Hallie" informed Matt in a warm voice before joining Sonny on the sofa. Matt had been lying wide awake in bed when he heard Sonny moving around the house. He had spent his fair share of nights wandering around fighting his own demons , he didn't want his son to experience that same type of agonising loneliness. When he saw Sonny clutching the photo from his fourth birthday a sad smile had appeared on Matt's face. It was the only photo of Sonny in the house, Matt had an incline that it it had been to painful for Kelly to display any more.
"You insisted on going to fifty one for your birthday, you were obsessed with fire engines and that was all you cared about, Hallie used to joke that I'd bribed you somehow" Chuckled Matt as he fondly remembered their discussions, Hallie had tried for days to convince Sonny to go somewhere else for his birthday, somewhere that he didn't go weekly.
"We took you to fifty one even though you'd already been there a million times before, but when we got there the chief had put up banners and balloons. Hallie said that for your next birthday we should take you to the hospital she worked at" recounted matt, his voice shaking slightly at the last part. Hallie never got to celebrate another one of her sons birthdays.
"We look happy" stated Sonny his voice weighed down with a heavy thoughtfulness.
"We were",
"Did she-" Sonny stopped feeling his heart thumping in his chest, he took in a few deep breaths. There was something he needed to know, something he'd always been afraid to ask Ryder.
"Did she suffer?" Asked Sonny in a choked voice, he tore his eyes away from the photo and looked up at Casey with eyes brimming with tears. He took a few shuddery breaths as he prepared himself to share something he had never told Ryder.
"I remember bits and pieces of that night, I remember seeing her on the floor but they saw me before I got too close, I don't know if she was dead yet" revealed Sonny in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Did she feel anything, was she afraid?" Sonny's tone was devastating and his eyes were haunted. Those horrible questions had been on his mind since Eve's death, he remembered her desperate whimpers as she began to seize, the terrified expression cemented on her face, she looked anything but peaceful. It was something that would haunt him for the rest of his life and he was terrified that his mother had endured the same fate.
Matt looked at his son feeling bile rising in his throat, Sonny was in a pain no one should ever have to experience. Matt tentatively reached out and squeezed Sonny's hand, the boy didn't return the gesture, he remained as still as a statue as tears began streaming down his face. But at least Sonny didn't pull away, Matt felt a bittersweet relief as Sonny allowed him to hold his hand while he cried.
Matt took a few moments to steady himself, he never expected to be asked such agonising questions, especially not by his young innocent son.
"No I don't think she suffered, they believed she died suddenly" explained Casey weakly, he decided to spare Sonny all the horrible details. Hallie was shot three times in the back, the detectives assumed she'd been walking into the kitchen when the assailants broke in and fired. Sonny nodded before looking intently at Hallie. Casey also stared at the photo struggling to keep in his own tears. It was the last photo of the three of them together, the last time they were all happy.
Kelly clumsily rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before heading towards the bathroom, it was around about six am therefore he was pretty confident he'd be the only one awake.
A few moments later when he entered the living room his eyes widened in surprise, Sonny and Matt were sat on the opposite ends of the sofa blissfully watching cartoons.
"Aren't you both a little old for SpongeBob?" Inquired Kelly in amusement.
"It's better than the news" Matt reasoned flashing Kelly a grim, the oldest blonde had switched on the tv in hopes of calming down Sonny, so far it appeared to be working. The boy was wearing a peaceful expression and he seemed less like a grieving teen and more like an excitable eight year old, Sonny was sat cross legged on the sofa with his elbows resting on his knees as he leaned in towards the television. Little did Matt know that television had been Sonny's source of comfort for years, whenever Ryder was away he switched on the tv for the illusion of company. Just hearing people's voices made Sonny feel less isolated from the rest of the world, the last few years Sonny had even begun to feel disconnected from Ryder. Sonny once switched on the news in the hopes of being able to practice drawing people but Ryder caught him and flipped out. It was the angriest Sonny had ever seen the other man, after that Sonny stuck to cartoons. But he didn't mind the bright colours and childish humour often helped brighten up his mood, however there were day's nothing could stop Sonny's despair; he preferred not to think about those days.
Sonny's eyes brightened as Kelly accompanied them on the sofa. Despite the familiarity and solace the tv offered the young boy found himself focusing on the two men beside him. He didn't need the tv, he wasn't alone anymore.