As soon as they reached home Sonny darted up the stairs as fast as his feet would allow him, he felt exposed and all he wanted to do was hide away from the rest of the world. Worry washed over Matt as he watched the young teen disappear, he moved towards the staircase but stopped when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder,
"Come on Casey, Let's give him a few minutes alone" suggested Kelly as he steered him towards the kitchen . The blonde collapsed into one of the dining chairs as Kelly swiftly sent Kidd a text briefly explaining what had happened and asking her kindly to bring over some groceries, as their shopping trip had been cut short they still didn't have any food in the house and as much as Kelly enjoyed take out, he knew Sonny would benefit from a decent home cooked meal. Kelly sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, he still hadn't told Casey about Sonny's concerning eating habits; he hoped what he witnessed at breakfast would be a one off. It seemed like they kept running into problem after problem, neither men knew how to help the poor boy and they felt like they were failing him.
A strangled sob yanked Kelly out of his musings, he turned around to see Matt with his head in hands, Kelly had no doubt in his mind that the other man was crying. Kelly was barely containing his own emotions but unlike Casey he was furious, he could feel his hand shaking and it took all of his strength to refrain from sending his fist flying into the wall. He wished Ryder was alive, the man deserved to pay for what he did, he wanted to make the man feel as terrified as Sonny did in the store.
"I don't know what to do Kelly" admitted Casey in a broken voice which made Kelly's heart ache.
"He was so afraid, he's in so much pain and I don't know how to make everything right, he's just a kid he shouldn't know agony and fear like that" Matt choked out.
"Shhh, I know Matt" comforted Kelly placing a hand supportively on Casey's back, watching Sonny's panic attack had felt like being stabbed in the heart a million times, he knew exactly how distraught the other man was feeling.
"But Matt look at me" instructed Kelly in the firm voice he normally reserved for when he was giving orders to his crew, hesitantly Matt looked up at him with red puffy eyes.
"You got Sonny out of there unharmed, you calmed him down Matt" reminded Kelly in a tone laced with pride.
"you offered him comfort and he accepted, he reached out to you when he was terrified of the rest of the world," reminded Kelly staring into Matt's sorrowful blue eyes, Kelly had been both shocked and immensely relieved when Sonny hugged Matt, it proved that he was starting to trust Matt. When a few more tears streamed down the blonde's face Kelly wrapped his arms around the other man.
"It's going to be ok, he's a strong kid, it's going to be ok" mumbled Kelly more to himself than Matt. He loved Sonny and Matt with all his heart and the thought of letting them down filled him with sorrow.
"I don't want to end up hurting him even more"huffed Casey , Kelly said nothing he only tightened his grip on the blonde and finally allowed his own tears to fall. As the two men weeped they were comforted by the knowledge that they weren't alone, they were in this together.
Eventually Matt calmed down and slowly separated himself from Kelly, he scrubbed at his face wiping away the few remaining tears, once he deemed himself presentable Matt headed up the stairs, he needed to see his boy. He hovered by the bedroom door and pressed his ear up against it, he listened carefully for any noise but the room was silent. Gently he knocked the door and was unsurprised when there was no response; Sonny was trying to close himself off from the rest of the world.
"I'm coming in Sonny" warned Matt as he tentatively pushed open the door, his eyes immediately landed on a lump in the bed, Sonny had cocooned himself in the thick duvet. Slowly Matt moved to perch on the edge of Sonny's bed, he smiled softly to himself as he noticed a blonde tuft of hair poking out from underneath the blankets. He could tell from the boys unnaturally still frame and the lack of soft snores that Sonny was wide awake.
"Hey kiddo don't worry about what happened, it's our fault we didn't think it through. Anyone who hadn't been in a public place in a decade would panic" began Matt, his heart was heavy with guilt.
"But I messed up, I was supposed to be strong" came sonny's reply as he clumsily shoved away the blanket and moved into a sitting position. His back was pressed firmly against the headboard of the bed and his crossed arms were perched on the tops of his knees, his blonde floppy hair was dangling over his forehead but Matt could still see the tortured look in his eyes.
"Sonny you didn't do anything wrong" assured Matt,
"But Men aren't supposed to cry" Sonny replied matter of factly, he knew Ryder would be disappointed with him and he was pretty sure Matt was ashamed how he acted, especially as he had broke down in front of all those people.
Matt's heart stopped at Sonny's words. "Boys don't cry" the same words his father had yelled at him over and over, the same words he had vowed never to use, he never wanted his son to feel the same way he had growing up.
"We all have moments like that Sonny, it's nothing to be embarrassed about" comforted Matt but he knew his words sounded hollow , he swallowed nervously as he prepared himself, one thing he had realised over the past few days was that if he ever wanted Sonny to trust him again he couldn't hide behind a mask anymore.
"After you disappeared there were days I couldn't even get out of bed, everything hurt too much" admitted Matt, immediately Sonny looked at him in shock and tilted his head as he tried to process Matt's admission.
"If I didn't have Kelly back then I don't know what I would have done " Matt continued sadness lingering in his tone, his second biggest regret after letting Sonny stay the night with Hallie was distancing himself from Kelly. Maybe if he'd kept the other firefighter closer he'd be a different man now, a better one. Matt wished he hadn't let himself forget who he was. The man he was before Andy's death would have known exactly how to help his son.
"You have me and Kelly" announced Matt offering the boy a small smile. Despite Matt's kind words a sullen expression appeared on Sonny's face, he didn't deserve the two men. Matt watched intently as the boy chewed nervously on his lip before locking eyes with Matt, the older man felt as if Sonny was looking into his soul.
"I'm really sorry I'm not the same son you lost" apologised Sonny his voice raw with guilt and sadness.
"Sonny-" started Matt but he was cut off. Sonny's voice was barely above a whisper but every word was full of pain.
"I wish I was, I wished I remembered more of the time I spent with you and Kelly. I wish I could walk through a supermarket without panicking, I wish I could sleep without reliving the last time I saw Ryder"
Sonny's words trailed off miserably ; it was becoming increasingly difficult to speak, he felt like a gigantic elephant was sat on his chest making it impossible to breathe. He glued his eyes to the ceiling as he willed himself not to cry.
"Everything would be so much easier if I was that same little boy who was obsessed with fire engines" stated Sonny. Matt shuffled closer towards Sonny and tentatively reached out and placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, as Matt had hoped Sonny tore his eyes away from the ceiling and looked at Matt once again.
"Oh sonny you'll always by my sweet little boy no matter what, me and Kelly will always be here for you and we'll always love you" promised Matt looking into Sonny's big blue eyes, the teen blushed slightly and looked down at his lap before nodding gently. Despite Matt's words he was still ashamed of his behaviour, he knew how mad Ryder would be. He wished he could be strong like Kelly or Matt.
Meanwhile Kelly rushed outside to help Stella who was busy unloading shopping bags from her car.
"Woah, I didn't expect you to bring that much stuff" gasped Kelly as she continued to pull out bag after bag.
"Well you know what Cindy's like, I asked her is she had any of Lee Henry's old clothes, I told her a friend of mine had suddenly gained custody of her teenage nephew and was in desperate need of supplies" informed Kidd feeling guilty; to ease her conscience she kept reminding herself that the truth wasn't far off.
"Thank you so much Stella you're a life saver" declared Kelly as he took some of the bags from her.
"How's he doing?" Asked Stella softly, worry had spread through after hearing what had happened. Even though she'd only spent five minutes with the teen she already felt a need to protect and look after him.
"Not so good" responded Kelly sullenly as they headed inside.
Kelly peered into the last bag left on the table expecting more groceries to put away, a grin appeared on his face as he saw the contents of the bag.
"Cindy thought maybe we could use it, the kids got a new one not so long ago so this one was just left gathering dust" explained Stella as she watched Kelly pull the old game console out of the bag. After seeing the teens fondness for cartoons Kelly was positive the console would be a big hit, it was exactly what they needed to help make the teen feel more at ease.
Both Kelly and Stella smiled brightly when Sonny appeared in the kitchen with Matt close behind,
"Hey kiddo" greeted Stella, Kelly had warned her not to use the word buddy after how badly the boy had reacted last time, the endearment was clearly a trigger word for the young boy but they had no idea why. The two Casey's sat down at the table and the kitchen quickly filled with chatter. As time went by the tension that had been filling Sonny's body eased and the blush in his cheeks had drained away. When Kelly showed Sonny the console the boy had stared at him in confusion but once Kelly explained the boys jaw had practically dropped onto the floor and his eyes lit up with excitement, straight away Casey and Severide started to set it up for the excited teen. Meanwhile Stella and Sonny took the bags of clothes he placed one of the bags down in the corner of his bedroom there was a soft thud as one of the items fell out. Sonny crouched down but he was instantly filled with dread as his eyes landed on the thick blue book that had fallen on the floor.
"Everything ok Sonny" questioned Stella watching the colour drain out of Sonny's face, the poor boy looked as white as a sheet.
"Yeah, everything's fine" stuttered Sonny as he grabbed the book off the floor.
"I thought you could do with something to read, when I was your age reading used to help me sleep better" explained Stella as she noticed the book in Sonny's hand.
"Thank you" Sonny mumbled stuffing the item back in the bag.
The afternoon passed by quickly as they spent most of it sprawled out on the sofa focused on the video games Cindy gave them. No one mentioned the shopping trip again but it was far from forgotten, it weighed heavily on Matt's and Kelly's minds but they temporarily pushed their worry aside for Sonny's sake. The two men had decided to discuss the matter further once Sonny was fast asleep in bed, for now they were focusing on trying to put the younger blonde at ease. He was significantly quieter than he had been the previous day but at least he wasn't hiding away in his room.
That night as Sonny sat on his bed he stared in dismay at the book Kidd had given him, worry gnawed at his stomach and he felt bile rising in his throat. What was he going to do? He couldn't hide it forever, they would inevitably find out when he started school. He was terrified of how Matt and Kelly were going to react, would they yell at him or even worse would they burst into laughter? He never wanted to be such a disappointment, especially after all they had done for him. If they weren't annoyed after what happened at the store, they would definitely be upset once they found out he couldn't read.