As Matt padded into the living room a bright smile played on his lips, Sonny was sprawled out across Kelly while the man had an arm wrapped around the boy preventing him from falling. As he studied the scene Matt was reminded of the rare occasions he arrived home late when Sonny was little. He was usually home no later than six during the weeks they had Sonny, but the few times he stayed out late for various reasons the lively little boy would insist on waiting up for his dad. Kelly would try his best to put sonny to bed but the blonde always refused to go to bed without his goodnight hug from Matt. Despite his best efforts the little boy never made it passed eight before succumbing to sleep. Therefore when Matt arrived home he was be greeted by the sight of a sleeping Sonny nestled in Kelly's lap snoring softly. As sonny was a lot older now than he was when he went missing Matt had believed he would never see such a scene ever again, he was delighted to find out he was wrong. As he moved closer towards the sofa Kelly began to stir, a few seconds later Kelly was sleepily peering up at Matt.
"Good sleep?" Casey asked with a grin.
"Yeah" mumbled Kelly when he suddenly became aware of the warm weight on his chest. A warm glow flowed into his chest as he looked down at the boy, he was filled with a mix of happiness and relief, a couple of weeks ago he had feared Sonny would never allow them to show him affection.
"How long has he been asleep?" Inquired Matt warily, since moving to Chicago the most sleep the boy had gotten so far was five hours, Matt wasn't sure how much longer the boy could survive on such little energy. Kelly looked at the nearby clock before beaming at Matt,
"Over Seven hours" informed Kelly cheerfully,
"Thank god" sighed Matt.
As Sonny gradually awakened the sound of chatter filled his ears, as his awareness of his surroundings grew he registered the sound of someone's breathing, Sonny's eyes shot open and he found himself staring up at Kelly.
"Good Morning " smiled the man when he noticed the boy was wide awake.
"Morning " mumbled Sonny when a blush crept into his cheeks as he realised he had fallen asleep on Kelly. The blonde pushed himself off the firefighter and settled himself down in the space beside him, but instantly Sonny found himself missing the comfort the contact had given him. In a strange way he found himself needing to be close to the two men, it reminded him that he wasn't alone in some dingy motel room with very little food.
"I'm sorry" admitted Sonny in a quiet voice full of shame as the events of the previous night came rushing back to him.
"It's ok we all get nightmares sometimes" comforted Kelly,
"I wasn't just talking about the nightmare" Sonny whispered.
"Oh, Sonny we're not mad about that. I don't think anyone could blame you for getting upset, we should have realised you wouldn't have learnt how to read" admitted Kelly feeling sorry for the teen, he definitely inherited Matt's self doubt and guilt complex.
"I shouldn't have yelled, please don't send me away" begged Sonny in a voice that made him sound a lot younger than fourteen. Immediately Kelly reached out and pulled the boy into a bone crushing hug.
"I like it here" croaked Sonny as he returned the hug but Kelly gently shushed him.
"Oh Sunshine we are never going to leave you behind" the man replied using the nickname he'd given Sonny when he was a baby. As he held the boy close he was reminded of the moment a tired but proud Matt gently placed the boy in his arms for the first time. He recalled how amazing he felt as baby Sonny peered up at him with piercing blue eyes. He remembered listening to the sound of the newborns steady breathing and vowing to never let him down. As he held the teen close, in a soft voice Kelly repeated his promise,
"We will always be here for you, no matter what".
Reluctantly Sonny pulled away before giving Kelly a watery smile. When Matt appeared holding a glass of apple juice Sonny quickly rubbed his eyes before accepting the beverage and mumbling his thanks.
"Hey Sonny I was wondering if you were in the mood to go out today" asked Matt as he sat down next to the teen.
"Where?" Questioned the boy weakly. So far the only place he felt comfortable other than home was the park.
"Do you remember Boden? We met him at the fire station a few days ago" queried Matt and Sonny gave a small nod in response.
"I was thinking we could go to his house, it will be quiet as it's just him, his wife Donna and his six year old son Terrance" explained Matt hope lacing his words . He was eager to visit his old chief for a number of reasons, firstly he'd never met Donna or Terrance yet which was something he deeply regretted. Secondly Kelly had informed him that Donna was a headteacher, if anyone knew how to help Sonny with starting school and learning to read she would.
Sonny stared at the now emptily glass in hands before looking up at Matt with an unreadable expression.
"Ok" agreed Sonny, from the stories he'd heard about Boden he could tell the man meant a lot to both Kelly and Matt; Sonny didn't want to be the reason they had to stay away.
After a short drive sonny found himself stood in front of a cozy looking house, as they walked towards the building Sonny instinctively reached out for Matt's hand. "Grow up" hissed A voice in the back of Sonny's head, he contemplated letting go of Matt's hand but his anxiousness outweighed his embarrassment. Meanwhile Matt was wearing a bright smile and he walked with a spring in his step, which was why Sonny felt extra pressured to ensure he didn't mess this visit up. Sensing his sons worry Matt gave Sonny's hand a squeeze,
"Don't worry Sonny, it'll be ok. And remember we can leave at anytime" reminded Matt in a soft tone. Sonny took a deep breath as Kelly knocked the large door. A few seconds later Boden appeared in the door way, the man's friendly greeting was drowned out by the sound of Sonny's heart racing. Since moving in with Matt Sonny had only been to the supermarket, the park and firehouse fifty one, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to act when at someone else's house, what if he accidentally broke one of their rules or upset them, he didn't want to make anyone mad.
"Come on, you can do this" the teen reminded himself as he allowed Matt to steer him inside.
As they stepped into the warm house his eyes immediately landed on a small boy sat on the floor playing happily with colourful toy cars. Both Matt and Sonny smiled softly at the young boy.
"Matt and Sonny this is Terrance" beamed Boden as the little boy looked up, Sonny gave the boy a small wave while Matt said hello.
Casey's voice was gentle and he wore a cheerful expression but Kelly could see the sadness lurking in the blonde's eyes, he knew Matt regretted not visiting sooner; the fact no one blamed Matt for how he acted over the past ten years did nothing to the blonde's anger at himself.
"Hi Kelly" greeted Terrance as his eyes landed on the firefighter, Kelly winced slightly at the boy's greeting he knew it would only deepen Matt's guilt.
"Hey budd-" began Kelly but he stopped abruptly when he remembered how upset the endearment made Sonny.
"Hey kiddo" continued Kelly feeling thankful that Sonny hadn't noticed, fortunately before Boden could comment on Kelly's peculiar behaviour Donna appeared. After the two Casey's were introduced they sat down in the spacious living room and the room filled with warm voices but Sonny was only half listening, his attention was glued to Terrance and the toy cars. Matt frowned slightly at the sad smile on Sonny's face, he instantly recognised the teens expression as one of deep longing.
Despite the adults attempts to engage Sonny the teen was too absorbed in his thoughts to talk properly. Growing up with Ryder Sonny never had a lot of possessions, he had his notebooks and his old baseball but that was it. He certainly never had toy cars because they weren't a necessity. The only reason he had the baseball was because he'd found it in the parking lot of one of the motels. Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by someone tapping his shoulder, Sonny blinked a few times before realising that Terrance was stood beside him. The boy was grinning from ear to ear and he was bouncing up and down on his feet excitedly,
"Do you want to play?" Terrance asked hopefully gesturing towards his toys.
"Umm sure" agreed Sonny hesitantly as he ignored the dread spreading over him, he had no experience with younger children. Sonny took a deep breath before joining the little boy on the floor. Terrance wasted no time in launching into a lengthy description about each of his beloved cars and Sonny felt his worry slip away. To Sonny's surprise children were actually a lot easier to deal with than adults, they didn't pity him like Matt's friends or judge him like the strangers who stared at him while he cried in public. Sonny had been doing a lot better recently out in the big world; when he did cry or scream in public he no longer reached the point where he became too hysterical to understand what was going on around him. Sonny knew he still had a long way to go but maybe one day he'd be as talkative and confident around strangers as Terrance was.
Matt beamed as he listened to his old chief, he had missed his talks with the other man. After all Boden and Hermann were the closest thing he had to a Dad, in fact he trusted and admired them more than he ever had trusted his own father. The blonde's eyes flickered from Boden to sonny occasionally and when looked over at his son he was delighted to see the teen looking so content. At the start of the day he'd been concerned that the night before would have left Sonny in a somber mood, thankfully their visit seemed to be taking Sonny's mind off the events of the previous day. Other than distracting Sonny Matt also hoped the visit would ease his worries regarding Sonny's education, he hoped talking to Donna would give him a clear plan of what to do. Matt believed they needed to get the blonde to school sooner rather than later, he was concerned that if they put it off for too long sending Sonny to school would be virtually impossible, they needed to rip off the band-aid.
Sonny was listening to Terrance's happy rambling when one of the cars caught his eye, it was a dark blue sedan eerily similar to the one Ryder owned. As he stared at the toy anger bubbled up inside of him as a thought popped into his head. Terrance was the same age he was when Eve died, when his childhood virtually ended. Before the girls death they'd lived in a small house where Sonny was allowed to play with the few old toys his surrogate sister owned, but after her tragic death they left all reminders of her behind. When Sonny asked about toy cars Ryder had always told him to be grateful that he had clothes on his back and that most importantly he was still breathing. Growing up Sonny had pushed away his upset and instead focused on the good moments like when they stopped in a field to play baseball or when they'd stay outside until nightfall, so Ryder could show him the different constellations. But now Sonny couldn't suppress his anger and upset any longer, he wasn't angry about the fact that he never got to play with toys or go to school like other children, he was upset that Ryder had taken him away from a happy normal life. If he had grown up with Matt hugs wouldn't have been a luxury reserved for nightmares, meals three times a day wouldn't have been a rare occurrence and he definitely wouldn't have spent his time trying to work out if Matt really loved him, because right now Sonny was pretty sure Ryder never did.
The world around Sonny became a crimson red and his hands began to shake, his heart was pounding and he was struggling to suppress a scream. Abruptly he jumped to his feet and ran out of the house before he even fully processed what he was doing. He sprinted down the steps and as his feet hit the pavement he let out an anguished scream.
"Sonny what's wrong " called Matt running towards to boy with concern etched across his face. But sonny turned away from him as he placed his hands on his head and let out a frustrated cry.
"Please speak to me" Matt begged; Sonny turned around and briefly locked eyes with Matt. The older blonde could see a fire raging inside the younger boy, Matt remained still and waited for Sonny to continue , he knew the boy desperately needed to let all his emotions out.
"I hate him" yelled Sonny throwing the small toy car he hadn't even realised he was still holding. Kelly was watching nervously from the porch but Sonny was paying no attention, his eyes barely focused on anything ; He paced up and down tugging at his own hair as he begged his thoughts to quieten down. He felt like he was suffocating. As soon as he'd thrown the car he'd been filled with regret, he was being ungrateful because Ryder did the best he could. Turning his back on the man who raised him was a horrible thing to do. Sonny let out a groan and tears stung his eyes. Sonny tried to calm himself but his thoughts were too loud and confusing. One second he was full of rage then the next he felt like wanted he to cry for hours on end.
Sonny looked up at the sky as he allowed his tears to fall, he couldn't deny the truth anymore. Ryder may have raised him but he did a lot of unforgivable things. Sonny couldn't pretend anymore that Ryder was a good person, he had to let the perfect image of Ryder he had created go.
"He took everything from me, You, Kelly, mum" cried Sonny. A few of the neighbours were watching from their houses but Matt was too focused on his son, his heart was aching as he listened to the boys pain filled words.
"And he never cared about me, he cared more about his job than keeping me alive" yelled Sonny thinking of all the times Ryder had chosen hiding his identity over taking him to the hospital, always preferring to find a dangerous alternative which allowed him to keep his secrets. Despite all the pain Ryder had caused him Sonny had always cared about the other man, which was why he deluded himself by insisting Ryder cared about him too.
"God! It's so messed up" screamed Sonny kicking the pavement angrily.
"He didn't care about me, so why -" Sonny broke off into a sob as he looked at Matt desperately, the pain he was feeling was unbearable, after everything Matt had been through Sonny hoped the man would understand his pain and show him a way to make it stop.
"Why do I miss him so much?" Sobbed Sonny as he dropped to his knees. Instantly Matt positioned himself next to the boy and began rubbing soothing circles on his back.
"I'm so tired" groaned Sonny before his anger flared up inside him once more, as he was filled with a blinding rage he clenched his first and punched the pavement as hard as he could. The pain searing through his hand was drowned out by the pain in his heart. When Matt gently grasped Sonny's wrist to stop him from hurting himself the boy collapsed against him.
"I'm tired of crying, of screaming, Of hurting" stated Sonny in a strangled whisper that made Matt's heart sting. The boy dropped his head onto Matts shoulder as exhaustion took over his body.
"I hate him Matt but I love him too, what the hell is wrong with me?" Muttered the boy dejectedly.
"There's nothing wrong you Sonny, grief is just a complicated thing" comforted Matt as he massaged the boy's wrist. Sonny was still in his own little world, he was completely oblivious to the fact Kelly had joined them on the pavement and had taken over from Matt gently rubbing circles on his back.
"No kidding" replied Sonny before erupting into hollow laughter but it quickly turned into sobs. Matt locked eyes with Kelly for a second before looking back down at the boy in his arms.
"We'll get through this Sonny, together"
Later that night once Sonny had gone to bed Matt and Kelly sat in the living room half watching some old action film, neither of the men cared about the movie but it was better than silence. They were both mentally drained after the tough few days they had, but Matt pushed past his tiredness to say something important before he changed his mind,
"You were right, we need to take him to see Dr Charles" admitted Matt shocking Kelly. Despite Kellys beliefs that Sonny would benefit from seeing Dr Charles in person Casey had been against it because he was worried it would lead to loosing the teen's trust.
"Are you sure Matt?"questioned Kelly as he stared at the blonde in disbelief.
" Yeah, he needs someone to talk to, someone who can be unbiased", Kelly knew what Matt really meant, Sonny needed to talk to someone who didn't despise Ryder. Because no matter how hard they tried they could never speak well of the man and they knew when it came to Ryder Sonny would never be fully honest due to his fear of upsetting them.
"Ok but I think maybe you should um- maybe you should speak to someone too" Kelly stated, he'd been meaning to broach the subject for a while but he could never find the right time.
"I don't need a psychiatrist" declared Matt defensively.
"Maybe not but you definitely need to speak to a doctor" stated Kelly. He knew Matt we'll enough to spot the signs that he was in pain. Recently he had noticed that Matt always kept his curtains closed to block out the light and that he grimaced at loud noises and bright lights.
"What ? Why? I'm fine".Kelly struggled to hide a scoff as he looked at Casey incredulously.
"I'm not blind Matt, I know the headaches are back and that you're forgetting things again"
"That's not" Matt started to defend himself but Kelly swiftly cut him off.
"You asked where Andy was yesterday!" Interrupted Kelly barely containing his worry, he'd always suspected that Matt's head injury had caused more problems than the blonde would ever admit. Kelly had kept quiet for too long, he wasn't going to let Matt bury his head in the sand anymore.
"Kelly I don't -"
"No Matt, no more excuses. it's not just you anymore, think about me and Sonny, we don't want to loose you Matt, if you care about that boy as much as I think you do then you'll go to the doctor" growled Kelly before standing up to leave, he knew he had to leave before he started shouting and risked disturbing Sonny. However he was stopped by the feeling of Matt grabbing his wrist,
"Wait" pleaded the blonde. When he saw the fear in the blonde's eyes immediately Kelly sat back down.
"What if it's bad news? We've got enough obstacles in our way as it is, we don't need anything else to worry about" Croaked Matt in a weak voice, within seconds of the blonde's fear ridden statement Kelly pulled him into a tight hug.
"Ignoring the problem never makes it go away Matt. If it's bad news we'll deal with it just like we've dealt with everything else" promised Kelly and he felt Matt nod against his shoulder.
"But Matt we don't know for sure it's bad news, maybe they'll just give you some meds to help manage the pain, but regardless of what happens I'll be here for you, I just-" Kelly's voice cut off as he let a sob escape.
"I can't risk loosing you Matt, not again"