Chapter 102

After Alex managed to get through all the notes she read on the flowers, and texting all of them thanking them for the gesture. She laid down on the couch, watching some soppy TV and fell asleep halfway.

Ryan put Phoebe down in the nursery once the two of them were done playing and rushed out to the living room when he heard his wife's moans where she laid on the couch. Turning her head back and forth, her arms pushing an imaginary object away.

"Please just leave me alone." She mumbled still restless and moving around on the couch. He walked over to the front, kneeling down next to her, her shaking her awake gently.

"Alex, hey it's okay." He said shaking her awake. She grabbed a hold of his arm forcefully pushing it off her shoulder, sitting up suddenly, eyes big and wide with fear. Her breathing shallow and heavy.

"It's okay. You were just dreaming. It's all right." He said gently taking a seat next to his wife, running a hand through her hair, that's tied up in a messy bun on top of her head.

Alex sat on the couch in silence for a while not saying anything, waiting for her breathing to return to normal, not saying anything to her husband who had a worried expression written all over his face. She got up and walked to the nursery, checking on her daughter who was fast asleep in her crib, the pacifier fell out of her half open mouth, and a little puddle of drool formed on the pillow beneath her head.

Alex stroked her hair and pressed a kiss on her forehead before walking back out, with her arms crossed over her chest. Ryan felt helpless, he wanted to help her forget about the whole ordeal but he had no idea where to start or how to make this better. Still not talking to him, she walked over to the kitchen trying to occupy her mind by getting dinner started, and getting some washing done.

"Alex, dinner and laundry can wait. I think you and I both know we can't ignore what just happened." He walked over to the kitchen wanting to get to the heart if things.

"I don't want to talk about it Ryan, please. I just want to forget about it." She sighed not in the mood for heavy conversation topics right now.

"Well you can't just ignore it whishing it to go away." He tried again. "I hate seeing you like this, you jumping whenever I speak behind you, or when I accidently touch you. When I woke you up for a moment I thought you might hit me when my hand rested on your shoulder."

She didn't say anything. Leaning against the fridge, hands crossed over her chest looking past him.

"Why don't you go talk to someone?" Ryan suggested but the look of horror on his wife's face made him realize maybe he shouldn't have said that.

"What! No! Ryan I am not crazy." Alex raised her voice looking him in the eyes. "I'm not going to sit on a couch letting a stranger tell me how to deal with problems in my life." She laughed dryly shaking her head.

"I'm not saying you're crazy, but I don't know what else to do to help you move past this." Ryan reasoned trying to get her to see where he's coming from.

"Maybe, if you weren't hiding in your office for most of the day, actually going out on cases like the rest of us downstairs you'd understand how messy the job gets." She turned the conversation around trying to play the blame game.

"Maybe, if you'd noticed something dodgy about the emails you got, actually telling me about it none of this would've happened!" She yelled hand flailing as she walked closer to him.

"Wha…!?Please don't guilt trip me. Don't you think I feel bad enough for what you've been through already? I'm constantly beating myself up about it feeling like a failing husband and father for not protecting you and Phoebe."

"Well Ryan if the shoe fits… Sometimes I feel like you're acting the same way your father did, since you always said he only thought about himself. Maybe you're not much different than he was!" She answered coldly walking up the stairs towards the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Leaving Ryan sitting downstairs at the kitchen counter, as the words repeated itself over and over again in his head. She hit a switch in him when she told him he was just like his father.

Alex sat down on the side of the bed. Angry and frustrated and hurt. She's a strong woman things like this is not supposed to get to get to her. She can get through this on her own, she does not need to see a shrink. After some time the thinking also got to her and she felt like she needed to do something. Walking over to the drawers she started organizing Ryan's t shirt drawer. Anything to keep her mind occupied right now.

Ryan took over the cooking, finishing what she started and did the laundry. He had no idea that she felt that way, or whether she meant what she said, or if it was just some in the moment phrase. Even if it was it didn't hurt him any less.

He tried to get some work done, but when he opened his laptop and got some papers out, he felt bag again, since she also told him that he was constantly working. Deciding to abandon work also he headed upstairs, hoping to sort things out.

He opened the door slightly seeing her sit crossed legged on the floor, sorting through his t-shirt draw, some of it heaped up on the floor while the second pile is being folded up neatly, stacked in top of each other. She knew he was standing there but refused to acknowledge the fact that he was even in the room, or outside for that matter.

"If you're here to try and convince me to go see a shrink, save your breath." She said and continued her folding.

"I'm not gonna force you into doing something you don't want to do, Alex." He said calmly. Too calm.

"Then why are you here?" She sighed standing up looking at him as she's sitting on the edge of the bed.

"It's about what you said earlier. Do you really feel like I've failed you in my duties as a husband and a father?" Ryan asked softly leaning against the doorframe hand shoved in his jean pocket.

"All those promises you made the day we got married. When Phoebe was born you said you'd protect her with every ounce of you. And then we're being kidnapped." She stood up walking around the room.

"And you knew someone was after us, and I've asked you what's going on because you acted weird. And you told me time and time again that I shouldn't worry about it, damnit Ryan!" She cried tears rolling down her face, her eyes pleading for answers that he himself didn't have.

"Do you honestly think that I don't feel like crap about it? Alex, not a moment goes by that I don't beat myself up about it. Trying to convince myself that I should've stepped up sooner, but I didn't. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't trying to protect you guys."

"Oh, but showing up 5 minutes before I was almost raped counts as protecting us in your eyes?" Alex's voice was hoarse with emotion.

"I'm sorry! I…I don't know what else I can do or say to make this better. Sweetheart, please. I. I don't want to fight with you I wanna help you, but you're shutting me out. If I could undo all of this trust me I would." Ryan pleaded walking further into the room. Standing in front of her to get her to stop pacing around, taking both her hands in his pulling her into a hug.

"Don't touch me!" She cried hitting his chest with her fists as he refused to let go of her. Breaking down seconds after it when he failed attempts didn't work. Grabbing fistfuls of his shirt white shirt fabric, her face buried in his chest and sob after sob overtook her body as she cried.

"I am so sorry." He said softly holding her closer and tightening his grip on her refusing to let go, not unless she is the first one to let go.

They stood in the middle of the bedroom, both of them crying, the half packed t shirt drawer still open and the heaps of fabric still on the floor. Alex wiped her face with the back of her hand, taking deep breathes to steady herself.

"I didn't mean those things I said earlier. It…it made me feel better in a way to shift all of this on you, so I won't be the only one carrying this burden all by myself." She said looking up into his red puffy eyes.

"And you don't have to. I don't want you to go work through all of this on your own. We're a team, and I'll support you no matter what." He reassured her looking into his eyes. She nodded her head sniffing slightly.

"Am I really starting to act like my father?" He asked softly once the silence in the room became deafening.

"No, I'm sorry for using that against you, since you guys didn't have the best relationship. I have a bad habit of digging up old things when it seems like I can't win an argument." She admitted feeling guilty that she'd done that.

Ryan didn't feel like that was the honest answer she'd given him but he didn't have any energy left to start another fight, definitely not one on him resembling his father.

"About what you've said…I'll go talk to someone on one condition." She proposed looking up at him.

"I told you if you don't want to go it's fine."

"No, you're right. I need help getting over this. But I'd like it if you were there with me."

Ryan nodded her head kissing her forehead. "You got it. I'll be there."

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