Chapter 3

Dealing with Grief as an Immortal

I still wasn't exactly sure how to best ask Royal about the whole 'how do I help Charlie' mess, so I had put it off the last three days. Apparently and unfortunately in my case, courage isn't something that one automatically gets through just becoming a vampire and I was as much of a wuss now as I had been when I was still human. Jess still made me a little nervous since she had been kind of hovering around me the last few weeks, but Edythe explained that it was because I was so happy in this new life that she just can't help it; she likes the emotional atmosphere I emit and she seeks my company instinctively.

The third day after seeing Julie, she called kind of unexpectedly. No sooner had Earnest answered the phone, did he call for me in a volume that would have normally meant I was within a few feet of him and not in the garage with Edythe looking at the impressive selection they had. I wondered what I would get, but I was still way too new to be out on my own for much in the human world. I didn't want to chance it in any way; that for some reason being new would get to be too much and I'd accidentally kill someone.

At Earnest's call, I ran at my new full speed back into the living room. "What's up?" I asked flanked by Edythe.

"You have a phone call," Earnest said and I imagined him doing the same thing for his daughter, if she had survived, in those early days of the telephone, when a family might only have one in the house.

"Cool, I guess," but I was a little worried about who they would let talk to me.

"Sheesh, it's about time leech," Julie said at the sound of me picking up the receiver.

"Hey dog," I answered and I could hear her laughing on her end, and I could only smile. "What's up?"

"Well leech," she said sounding a little nervous about whatever she was about to ask, "I've been talking to my mom."
"Argh," I groaned back into the phone. Bonnie wasn't exactly my biggest fan anymore.

"Yeah yeah, I know, but the tribe's having a bonfire tonight and I was wondering if you'd wanna come."

I couldn't move as I felt my body lock down in surprise. I felt the phone yanked out of my stone grasp and was surprised by Edythe's answer for me. "He'd love to," she said for me, with a scandalous grin on her face.

In reality it was true, I'd love to be able to spend time with Jules, but I didn't think that this was the best time for that. I was still only a couple of months old. It had taken some effort, but my record was still clean. "You sure?" I asked Edythe.

I heard through the phone Julie say, "Great, have him meet me at the border about six."

"He'll be there," Edythe said, but then took it back. "Actually, why don't you come here about 5:30 and get him."

"Sure, sure. I guess that'd be okay," Julie answered not sounding thrilled about this change in plans. "I guess I'll see you guys then. Later," Julie said as I heard the phone click before Edythe hung up.

"I think this is a bad idea," I said. I had no way to know what I was in for but was certain that there'd be more than a few werewolves there. That wasn't what worried me though.

"You can do it Beau," she said calmly in reply. "They all miss you, well all of them except for Sam really. Even Holly and Saul."

"But there'll be so many humans there," I said pleading with her, saying what I was most afraid of doing there. If I was to kill Bonnie or either of the Clearwaters now, it would destroy whatever of Charlie was still left, even forgetting the fight it would start with Julie and her friends.

She wrapped me in her arms, "And that's why I know you'll be okay Beau. Not to mention that there'll be a bunch of those dogs there."

I laughed. "Okay Edythe," I gave in even though I was still worried about making a horrendous mistake, "but why'd you want Jules to come here?" I thought about making a snide comment about her massacring the Quileutes, but it was a stupid thought.

She grinned again, flashing her dimples. "Because you don't know where the boundary is, silly."

I laughed because even though it was a simple reason, it was true. "Good reason."

"And because Jules trusts us… well she trusts you so she knows she needs to trust us."

Earnest, who was still in the room, smiled. "You're the most amazing newborn I've ever seen Beau. I'm in awe of you and so is Carine."

I smiled again. There was something I needed to do at some point, so doing it now seemed like a good idea. "Hey Edythe?" I asked and she looked up trying to figure out what I wanted. "Can I have a little time with Earnest alone?"

"Of course," she said as she kissed me and ran upstairs to her room and began to play music on her stereo and then I heard the sliding of a book from the shelf. I wondered what she was reading.

"What can I do for you?" Earnest asked with a large smile on his face.

"You wanna go for a run?" I asked because I didn't want Edythe to hear what I wanted to ask Earnest; no what I needed to ask him.

"I'd like that," he said as the two of us sprinted into the forest in much the same way that Edythe and I had on our first hunt. I hadn't planned this as a hunting trip, but if the opportunity arose, I wasn't sure if we should or not.

Within five minutes we were more than fifty miles from the house, deep in the foothills of the Olympic Range. That had to be outside of Edythe's range, right?

"So what did you wish to ask me and hide from Edythe?" Earnest asked smiling. Did he already know?

"I don't know if you know this or not, but Edythe kind of resented the way everything happened." Earnest nodded. "She wanted me to do everything traditionally and I'm cool with that." I really was good with anything that Edythe wanted since I ended up with almost everything I could ever had wanted so she should get whatever she wanted. "So I guess the first thing I need to ask is for your permission."

"Oh Beau," Earnest gasped an even larger smile on his face, "nothing would please me more."

I smiled as I finished the question, "for Edythe's hand in marriage."

"Absolutely," Earnest answered as he hugged my, picking me up and spinning me around. I thought this would be much more difficult than it was.

"Now that just leaves one more thing I need to figure out," I said, my grin matching his.

"What's that?" His happiness still showing on Earnest's gentle face.

"That silliness about an engagement ring," I quipped.

"I don't think that'll be an issue Beau," Earnest said with a chuckle. "Carine's been holding onto a lot of bobbles and jewelry from Edythe's parents for years. She's never felt the need to wear any of them," his smile was almost blinding from its glow, "until now I'm willing to bet."

"Earnest would you do me one more favor?"

"Absolutely," my soon to be father-in-law said.

"I want to keep this from Edythe until I'm ready to pop the question, but I'll need some help to plan it. Can you keep from her until then?"

Earnest smiled again. "I can try, but you know Edythe," I joined his smile again. "With her gift, it's difficult to hide things from her."

"Can I ask one more thing?" Earnest nodded. "If I'm gonna be around humans tonight, especially alone I better hunt. You wanna join me?"

"Sure Beau." The hunt was uneventful, with Earnest draining a stag and myself with a doe and even a bear I had managed to find. My eyes were now almost as golden as any of the others if they had been fully fed, with just a slight tint of scarlet around the edges. "Beau?"

"Yeah dad," I said during our run back to the house, which made Earnest smile.

"I've never seen a newborn's eyes darken so quickly," he said patting my left shoulder showing how truly proud of me he was. "You really are special."

I smiled again. "Thanks dad." It was weird to call Earnest that when Charlie was still physically alive, but I had no doubt that one day Earnest would be filling that role.

"I will never be able to replace your real father," Earnest said as we approached the property, "but I will do my best to help you through the rest of your life after he does pass. In the meantime, I have every confidence that you will find a way to see Charlie again and maybe even have him back in your life."

"That makes one of us," I murmured not completely sure about that. There were only two ways that would probably happen and there was no way that Bonnie would ever allow one and Sulpicia wouldn't allow the other.

I returned to Edythe's room and I saw my reflection in the window; I was wearing such a huge grin aided by the confidence from my talk with Earnest.

"So what did you and Earnest talk about?" Edythe asked trying to pry into my mind and then I assumed his.

I shook my head. "Nope, I'm not telling you. Not yet at least."

"Please?" She said so innocently until her lips trapped mine. Our kiss lasted more than five minutes as both of us tried to go deeper and deeper into it. It felt so weird; neither of us needing to breathe. It almost made me wonder about physical lovemaking. My arms automatically tried to pull our bodies even closer together as did hers. Neither of us could help it.

"Not a chance," I said as my lips pulled off of hers but I didn't let her go.

Edythe laughed, "I'm sure that Archie or Earnest will let it slip sooner or later."

I hoped not, but knew this was a possibility. Such was the downside to having a mind reader in the family. "I don't think they will. By the way, what's Earnest thinking of? Ya know, to keep you out."

"He's translating the Book of Genesis into Swahili," Edythe laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

"I promise that you'll find out soon enough, but first I better take a shower and clean up." My hunting skills had gotten better, but still my face and arms still had some blood on them.

"Have fun tonight," Edythe said coyly. I kept wondering what was I really going to hear.

By the time I had finished my shower, Jules was there sitting on the couch with Carine and Earnest. The two of them were just so trusting that it made me so happy to see the three of them getting along okay. Julie was nervous but didn't look too disturbed about being flanked by vampires, since of all the vampires in the world those two were the closest thing to being harmless.

But Jules looked deeply upset about something. "Hey Jules," I said seeing her, but I could see that she had been crying. "What's wrong?"

"It's Holly," she whispered. "She had a massive heart attack earlier and no one's sure if she's gonna make it. I just came to tell you the bonfire had been cancelled."

"Oh no!" I gasped. "Poor Saul. Poor Charlie." This might just kill him. One of his best friends potentially dying so suddenly. "Carine?" Couldn't she maybe help her?

Carine shook her head. "I'm sorry, Beau but I still can't go onto the reservation. But I'm sure the doctors there are doing all they can."

"They are," Edythe confirmed as I assumed she ransacked through Julie's thoughts trying to see exactly what the doctors were doing. Edythe had graduated from medical school a couple of times, but she really never practiced more than a couple of years to keep the charade of her age up.

"Poor Lee and Sarah," I gasped remembering their kids. "You know what happened?"

"Not really," Julie answered, but I knew that she wasn't telling me everything. "All I can figure is that Lee was whining and moaning about Sam dumping him for Elliot and that triggered it. No one really knows anything other than that, since it was only the two of them in the kitchen when it happened. Hopefully Saul or Sarah might think of anything they heard in a few days when the shock wears off."

"I'm so sorry," I said to Julie. I flat out didn't know what else to do, so I hugged her gently. Surprisingly she returned it and Edythe didn't seem all that upset.

"Thanks Beau. Well, I guess I better get back."

"Come back anytime," I said offering the open invitation that was confirmed by Carine and Earnest.

Julie smiled nervously and took off for her Rabbit. I didn't know what to do any more.

"I've gotta say that I'm really impressed with Julie," Edythe said sounding genuine.

"Huh?"

"It seems that she meant it when she said that she wasn't going to let silly prejudices get in the way of you two being friends."

I smiled. I really wanted to still be friends with her, since between her and Bonnie maybe they could help Charlie stay out of too much trouble.

I snuck out again to watch Charlie's house while he slept. I could pick up the distinct smell of the wolves, several of them actually. Maybe as many as four or five had been around Charlie's in the last few days. But then there was a scent that really worried me; a vampire had been here within the last twenty-four hours. During the day if it was cloudy, I would ask one of my new siblings to come and see if they could recognize it as I had no clue as to who it was.

Holly died in her sleep that night. I only hoped that she went peaceably but still felt horrible about what had happened. I'd miss Holly, but in the end Edythe said this was the hardest part of transitioning to a vampire; watching those you love grow old and die knowing there was nothing you could do to help them short of changing them.

I didn't see Julie for almost three days after that, and a part of me understood that it was because she was helping Saul and the Clearwaters plan Holly's funeral. Charlie even helped too and Jess said that he was in a better mood surrounded by his friends, even if for such a morbid task.

I did call Bonnie the eve of the funeral to ask if I could attend any portion of the funeral that was held outside, even if from a distance. She agreed and I had planned to be there at the graveside service, but Bonnie didn't want any of the other Cullens there. I knew this was risky but I thought that it might be a good test at how well I could resist human blood. If it got to be too much, I'd just run away.

The night before the funeral, I finally knew I had to talk to Royal. If nothing else, he'd be able to give me some advice on how to deal with the pain of losing friends and loved ones now that time would be passing me by as I wouldn't change.

I found him and Eleanor in the garage after I went hunting with Archie as he was doing something to her Jeep but it took a minute to recognize that El was serving as a jack as he had his legs sprawled out from underneath the car. I needed to get this done tonight, since the funeral was the next morning. "What's up there trouble?" Eleanor said to break the ice as I sat down on a stool next to Royal's huge tool chest.

I could feel the nervousness on my face as I started to lie, but thought better of it. "Well, I was hoping that I could talk to Royal for a bit," I said becoming even more worried if he'd even be willing to help me. "You guys almost done?"

"Almost," the voice from under the car said. "Maybe another five minutes or so," Royal said sounding relieved to be done with whatever he was doing, as normally his reward for working on Eleanor's car was a night of intense sex. All of us would hear them, but I remembered what Edythe said; how it was terrible hearing from inside their thoughts about what was going on. "What do you want?" His voice was still hard towards me, but it didn't sting like a whip anymore.

"Well, I was hoping to talk to you for a little Roy. I need help with something."

Royal's response surprised me a little. I had expected him to almost bite my head off, but instead his reaction was half sigh, half growl. He was annoyed; I could tell that much. "Is this something that you need both of our help with or just mine," Royal sighed after an awkward minute as he slid out from underneath the Jeep on a creeper. His whole body was covered in grease and oil, and it looked weird for someone who normally looked as perfect as he did.

"Just yours," I said still nervous, letting a few seconds go by before adding, "please?" Hoping that El would take the hint and go inside.

"You can set it down El," he said as he was wiping off the smudges from his face.

"You done?" Eleanor asked sounding excited, not sure if it was the lovemaking or the fact she wanted to take her car out.

"Not yet, but Beau can help me if I need it," he said giving a small wink to Eleanor.

"Kay," Eleanor answered with an answering smirk. "I'll see ya later gator."

Eleanor ran back to the big house. "So what do you need help with that's keeping me from getting some with my eager wife?" Royal said with an expectant smile, I assumed from what they would be doing as soon as I asked him, but I thought that this might not be the best time.

I shook my head. "Nothing that important. Go 'head," I said as I started to turn, but his right oil soaked hand caught me.

"Beau," Royal almost snarled at me, "just say it."

A few seconds later I just blurted it out, almost all at once. "How do you do it?" He looked at me confused and I realized why another couple seconds later. "I mean how do you deal with your friends dying?"

"Oh," Royal said looking kind of sympathetically, like he understood more than I could even guess.

"If you don't wanna help"

"Beau just shut up for a second," he snapped back, his voice not soft like it had just been but hard like a whip.

I couldn't help it and just recoiled a little into a defensive crouch.

"Why did you think I wouldn't help you?" He asked and I was surprised in the softness of his tone again.

"Well, cause you hate me."

He shook his head. "I never really hated you," Royal said defensively. "I didn't really like you at first, but I didn't hate you."

"Can I ask why?"

He laughed and then, "Well, you just did," again blurting out a chuckle, which I answered with my own nervous laugh. "It was more that I knew where you and Edy were heading before even she did. I knew it better than you could even imagine."

"Eleanor?" I asked trying to understand.

He nodded. "I knew my little sister was toast the second she decided to not kill you. That's why I wanted to do it; to save her from making the decision that would tear her up especially with the way she thought we were all damned."

"You thought that killing me was the only real answer?"

Royal looked at me for a second, almost like he was determining his answer which surprised me with its candor. "One way of the other," he smiled saying, "you weren't going to get through it for long as a human."

I smiled realizing that I had been wrong about Royal all along. He could be a great ally in figuring out how to deal with Charlie and all my human friends. "Roy?" I said hoping he would urge me to continue, which he did with a nod. "How do I deal with my dad?"

His look said everything I was afraid of hearing; that this was the hardest part of the transition from mortal to immortal. "Really," he said looking for any sign that I might have wanted him to lie to me, but I wanted the truth so I nodded. He sighed, sounding a little worried about my reaction, "You only have two options."

Here it comes, I thought about the worse thing that he could suggest. I couldn't kill my father, could I? Royal's pause only lasted two seconds, but it felt like two years.

"You've either got to commit to changing him yourself or you have to just quit him cold turkey."

Well, at least he didn't say I had to kill him myself but neither option was going to work. Staying away from would probably lead to him finally losing all semblance of himself and the Quileutes would never allow us to change him. "Is there any other way?" I asked hoping he hadn't said something that maybe he hadn't thought of.

Royal shook his head. "I had hoped so when I was new, but I was wrong. I kept an eye on my family for a long time since after we moved away from Rochester, our next stop was Syracuse; barely half an hour away for a vampire," he laughed to himself at his joke. "Carine had tried to get me to move farther away but I was stubborn at least until my little sisters got married and started their families. Two years after I was reborn as this," he said as he pointed at himself like a model with some product, running his hand just over his upper body, "I tried to see my mother." He looked at the floor, a nervous chuckle accompanying him saying, "Needless to say, it was a disaster. She called me every name in the book; liar, demon, devil, you name it. I didn't try again until with any of them until they were on their deathbed. "My father was first. He believed me when I told him and only asked if I was happy." Royal's expression instantly changed to a large smile. "That's really all he ever wanted; for me to find my true place and calling in the world."

I smiled thinking that was all Charlie ever wanted for me too. I had found it, I shined as a vampire and found the love of my life, who I would have for eternity but still there had to be a way to have him stay in my life, even if through a few degrees of separation.

"When my mother was about to die, she begged my forgiveness for that first meeting; begged me to take away her pain and regret. I didn't know what she really wanted. Could she really know what I could do? I had been with Eleanor for a couple of decades by that time, and she still struggled from time to time, but control was never my issue. My temper was. Mercy and forgiveness was something that was foreign to me."

"Why?" I asked. I had heard the overview of the story; how Royal had gotten revenge on the ones who would have killed him if not for Carine.

Royal shook his head, "Not today Beau. That story is too dark for today, and what I did with a couple of them still horrifies me."

"You promise," I said hoping that I'd know soon enough, "that you'll tell me someday what you really did?"
He nodded. "Let's get you through this crisis first, okay?"

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks Roy."

"Anytime, but now on to the real reason you wanted to talk to me."

"You know?"

He laughed again as he led me out of the garage. "You're not that hard to figure out Beau. You want to know how to deal with people you love dying while you won't change."

Wow, he had guessed it. I guess I really am an open book… well for everyone but Edythe, but even Archie thought that it was because she always could hear thoughts and she never felt the need to actually learn to read peoples faces.

"It's not that different from dealing with it when your parents would die when you were human. Ya know, seven stages of grief and all that. It just feels a little," he searched his mind for a minute to find exactly how he wanted to put it, "impotent," but then he shook his head. "'S not right. You feel kind of powerless knowing that you have the ability to thwart death, but yet you have to let it happen."

"Huh?"

"Our venom will heal almost anything other than old age. The elderly are too weak normally to endure the change, but short of that," he smiled showing off the venom coating his teeth and then chomped down, his jaws sounding like a steel trap when then shut.

So if going through the normal stages of grief, then it made sense to go to the funeral. I'd have to ask Carine about it, but I figured she'd say yes.

I didn't recognize the reverend at the service, as he was a Quileute man I didn't know well, but his words were eerily similar to the ones that Reverend Weber used at mine. Every word seemed to pierce deeply into what was left of my soul, which to me felt like at least some of it even if Edythe wasn't wrong about us losing it.

Charlie sat next to Saul, on the other side of him as his kids. Both of them looked inconsolable, but I noticed something with Sarah; man had she seriously just shot up like a weed. It'd been a while since I saw her last, but she was huge now. Just a shade under six feet and she had filled out. Well, Bonnie said that anger and grief were the two most common triggers for becoming a werewolf.

Shortly after the minister had finished his speech, I noticed a couple of the teenaged Quileutes look right at the tree I was perched in on the outskirts of the cemetery. I recognized Julie, Emma, and Quinn who all had smiles on their faces as they looked at me. Sam and Paula both scowled a little. Well Sam's look was more than a scowl. She looked pissed. Then there was Sarah Clearwater; her look was somewhere in between the two. Her brother Lee, on the other hand was even more pissed when he looked in my direction than were any of them.

As the crowd dispersed, I lost sight of Jules. Emma and Quinn were both still standing with all of the family offering condolences. "Hey," a familiar voice said to my right as she climbed up the tree, now just below my branch.

I locked down for a fraction of a second then hissed at the intruder, the air escaping up my throat. But in just another tenth of a second, I recognized Julie and smiled at her. "Hey Jules," I answered. "Sorry bout that."

"No biggie," she said as she sat down after climbing up to my branch.

"So how's everyone holding up?" I asked, my concern genuine. I never wanted anyone else to get hurt.

"Saul's doin' okay, but the kids," she shrugged and I noticed her two wing-girls at the base of the tree now, "they're being a little difficult."

"That's an understatement," Quinn joked out as the two of us slid down the tree to the forest floor. "Just part of the hazard of being w-" but it looked as if Quinn's tongue got tied up with whatever she was trying to say.

Emma was pissed, with her scowling at Quinn and it looked like she mouthed the words 'shut up'.

"Hey, don't fight over me," I said holding up my hands in surrender. "I mean were all friends here right?" At least I hoped we were still friends.

"Sure sure," Jules said still with her welcoming smile. "Come on Em, just let it go. Besides Beau's not a bad leech," she added laughing.

Emma growled a little but then started laughing. "Like Sam says," Emma said in her normal voice before continuing imitating Sam's, "the only good leech is a dead leech."

"Aren't they all dead already anyway?" Quinn joked back.

I shrugged. I didn't know exactly what they were going on about, but then again, vampires and werewolves were considered to be members of the undead class of monsters. In a way with vampires that was true as we didn't age after we were changed.

"Come on bloodsucker," Quinn joked again. "I bet you just wanna massacre everyone here don't you?"

"Not really," I said back. And in reality, thirst was so far down the list of things I was worrying about it wasn't funny. But I thought I should probably make a jab at them too to smooth things over. "Anyway with all the wet dog smell going around, all I'm trying not to do it puke."

That did it. Emma was busting up laughing. Not more than a second later Jules and Quinn started too. This was so easy; just being my old self with Jules and her friends.

"So what's going on with Sarah?" I asked noticing her gait being super uncoordinated. "She looks like she just grew half a foot in a few weeks."

"A few days is more like it," Emma sniped as a throw away comment.

"Really?" I asked as the wheels in my head started to turn. I thought back to what Bonnie had said; how that the first sign of the change is the rapid growth spurt. Six inches in a few days would definitely qualify. And then the biggest triggers were anger or grief. Could there be anything harder than losing a parent unexpectedly? And the pieces fit. "Wait!" I shrieked in my ringing bell tenor. "Sarah's a werewolf?"

None of them wanted to out their newest pack sister, but I did not expect Sam to come over snarling at me in her wolf form. She was huge, more than six feet from ground to haunches and easily more than ten feet from head to tail. Her size reminded me more of a horse than a wolf.

"You better leave our lands now bloodsucker," Paula said speaking for Sam's wolf self.

"I was invited," I said scared to death. I didn't want to get in a fight with them; not now.

"It's true Sam," Julie said coming to my defense. "Bonnie said he could come, but only him."

Sam started snarling again, but it sounded like she was cursing Bonnie. And then she ran away, I guessed to find Bonnie. That certainly would be an interesting discussion. Oh to be a fly on the wall, I thought but realized that Sam was right. The funeral was over and so it might have been a better idea to not stay any longer.

"I better go," I said worried about if someone might find us here. "Besides Edythe will be worried about me."

"She's not worried that you'd massacre the Rez, is she?" Emma joked again. "You just so tame for a leech, especially a new one."

"Maybe a few of them," I said joking back. "God know Sam's annoying enough, especially after what he did to Lee."

None of them would say anything about despite my prodding. Everyone in Forks knew that the two of them were quite the couple until one day Sam disappeared due to what I now know was her first phase. Lee did everything to find her, even searching the woods herself every night for several weeks before Sam just wandered back into the village, but she wouldn't tell anyone about what happened. Everyone just assumed she was getting into something illegal.

"Don't be mean," Jules said trying to defend Sam. "Not until you walk a mile in her shoes."

"So what happened to them?" I asked hoping that she'd answer.

"I'll tell ya tomorrow, 'kay?"

"I guess," I said really nervous. After how Sam reacted today, what were the chances they'd let me on the reservation again.

"I'll come by the Cullen's about noon, okay?"

"Sure, sure," I said back, somewhat mocking Jules to which she laughed. "Why don't you bring Quinn and Em too?"

Quinn looked excited to come but Emma started shaking like a tuning fork and within a few seconds, her clothes shredded as she exploded in fur taking off running almost due north. The reaction from the other two surprised me. Quinn started rolling on the ground laughing while Julie shook her head and started running after her.

"Tomorrow," Quinn said. "We'll come by your crypt."

This might be a bad idea.

AN: Hey everyone. Thanks for your support. Reviews always appreciated. Next chapter is gonna be kind of dark as we explore Royal's past.