The realisation that she had sat unmoving in the same chair, staring out into the inky blackness all night, came to Caroline gradually. She began to notice objects coming into focus out of the gloom of her garden, as the darkness receded with the dawn. Finally, she stretched as if physically shaking off her thoughts and took a sip of cold tea to rouse herself.
Her mobile phone twirled absently in her hands, and before she had properly registered what she was doing, the blonde had punched the call button, needing to speak to the only other person who could fuck up life as spectacularly as she could.
The phone rang for so long that Caroline was about to hang up, when suddenly the ringing was replaced with rustling, as someone fumbled with the handset at the other end of the line.
"Hello?"
"Gillian? It's Caroline."
"Yeah, I know," came the slightly flustered reply, "Is something wrong? With my dad I mean? Only it's 5am and no one ever calls this early unless it's bad news."
"No, no nothing like that. God, I didn't even think about that! Sorry." There was an awkward pause as Caroline ran a hand through her tousled hair and wondered why the Hell she had made this call in the first place, "I didn't wake you did I?"
"Caroline, I live with two teenagers, a baby, and 200 sheep," the farmer pointed out, "It's never the bloody phone that wakes me."
"Sorry," the blonde repeated, searching desperately for something else to say, "It's not a bad time though is what I meant?"
"Well, I'm knee deep in sheep crap with a rectal thermometer in one hand and a pregnant ewe in the other…"
"Shit, I'm sorry." My God, thought Caroline, stop saying that you stupid woman! "I'll call back later."
Something in the blonde's tone made Gillian relent, "Don't be a prat, I was joking!... Well, not about all the crap, but about the rectal thermometer anyway. What's up, Vincent?"
Smiling at the inside joke Caroline marvelled at how this woman, so different from her in every way, was fast becoming one of her best (and frankly, only) friends.
"This is weird isn't it?" she asked, "…I mean us - our relationship."
"Oh God!" Gillian groaned, "Don't tell me we're in a relationship now! I didn't think either of our love lives could get any more complicated."
Caroline laughed, "Oh, thanks for that mental image!"
"Oi! I'll have you know I'm quite the catch!"
"Hmmm. Just ask my husband." The words tumbled from Caroline's mouth before she could stop herself.
Gillian winced, "Ooof! Yeah, about that -"
An image of the brunette stood awkwardly in a freezing field, looking sheepishly at the ground, sprang into Caroline's mind and she instantly regretted her joke.
"Don't worry about John for Christ's sake - it's not as if I want him," she waved her hand dismissively to the empty kitchen. "So, you were saying - quite the catch?"
There was a relieved sigh, "Yep. Own my own business and everything."
"Mmmm," Caroline grinned, "Although generally grandmothers aren't my thing."
Gillian let out a shout of laughter, "That seems a bit harsh, since I'm willing to overlook the fact that women aren't my thing!"
The blonde smiled and rolled her eyes, "What I mean is; it's weird how we end up telling each other everything."
She pictured Gillian's shrug in response, "I dunno. We're like family, just without all the crap that builds up over the years - probably be twins if things had worked out differently. And God knows we've been through enough shit together."
The headmistress nodded, "That's very deep for five in the morning."
She could hear the smirk in Gillian's voice, "Or it could just be that whenever we're together we get shitfaced."
Caroline threw her head back and laughed.
"So," her friend continued, "are you going to spill or am I going to have to stand around in a freezing barn all day?"
Her smile faded, "It's me and Kate. I've fucked it up again."
Gillian lowered her bucket of animal feed and shifted the phone into a more comfortable position, "Hang on," she said, "something tells me I'm going to have to sit down for this."
Caroline heard the farmer trudging through the mud and a mumbled "Shit!" as she clambered her way to a seat.
Looking around her lovely kitchen, lit faintly orange by the rising sun, Caroline felt a rush of gratitude for her pristine house and warm mug of tea. She suddenly appreciated for the first time how hard the other woman worked; dragging herself out of bed at dawn to manage an entire farm, a baby, two teenagers, and a part time job single handed.
Thirty miles away, in a barn full of sheep, Gillian shook her hair from her face, pulled off a pair of thick gloves, and flopped down heavily onto a bale of hay.
Leaning against a fence, she stretched her wellied feet in front of her, "Okay, shoot."
The blonde shifted in her seat, suddenly distinctly uncomfortable with sharing her problems - even when the other person really had no moral high ground from which to be looking down on anybody.
Sending out silent thanks that she was not doing this face to face, Caroline began, "The other night, Kate and I were in bed -"
Gillian snorted, "Spare me the details. I'm bound to get jealous otherwise."
"Haha. Anyway..." The headmistress faltered, unsure of what to say. She was saved when the awkward silence was broken by a piercing wail from the other end of the line.
Gillian pulled a baby monitor from her pocket and fumbled to remove the batteries. Failing, she shoved it under her coat to stifle the noise, "Shit! Calamity's up, I've gotta go. But I'll tell you what, Raff is taking the baby to Ellie's parents' tonight – come over and have some wine."
Caroline raised an eyebrow, "Didn't see you as the girls' night in, pillow fights and hair braiding sort."
Gillian smirked, "You either, you sarky cow! But since I don't like drinking alone, and you need a mate to tell you why you're being a prat, we might as well make a night of it."
The phone went dead and Caroline rolled her eyes. Gillian was just about the most infuriating person she knew, but when it came to having screwed up yet again, nobody understood better. And if the woman was willing to supply copious amounts of alcohol as well as advice, then so much the better.
XXXXX
By the time Caroline ended her phone call and entered the bedroom it was bathed invitingly in the morning sunlight. Not that the blonde noticed, her interest being immediately captivated by the gorgeous woman occupying her bed.
She felt a familiar rush of overwhelming love, followed by the pang of guilt that now routinely followed when she thought about Kate. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering how the Hell she was going to get out of this one.
A sigh from the bed made her look up, and the blonde smiled in spite of herself as she took in the sight before her.
Even when she had been in denial about the depth of her feelings, Caroline had always acknowledged that Kate was lovely. She had spent many of her working hours discreetly admiring the brunette, finding her professional attire particularly distracting. Caroline's breath still hitched at the way a simple button-up blouse accentuated the younger woman's figure.
As she watched her partner sleep, noting her caramel skin, the pulse beating evenly at her collar and the rise and fall of her chest, Caroline's heart broke slightly at the thought that someone so wonderful actually put up with her.
Having spent so many years hiding her feelings - throwing herself into being a wife, mother and career woman - it still surprised the blonde that she was finally able to indulge in desires she had thought were buried forever.
Until the inevitable happens and I screw it all up again.
Kate shifted position in her sleep, jolting Caroline back to the present. She crossed the room and slipped into bed, propping herself up with one hand to admire her girlfriend.
She suddenly felt the ridiculous urge to cry, but forced it back down, seeking comfort in the woman she was both terrified to lose and scared to keep.
Tucking a stray wisp of hair behind Kate's ear, the headmistress curled herself snugly around the younger woman's frame. She absently traced a hand over Kate's ribs, and against all odds began to doze, soothed by the warmth of the bed and scent of vanilla body lotion.
As her fingertips grazed the side of a breast Kate's body pushed back into her, pulling Caroline from the brink of sleep. The brunette's backside now pressed firmly against her core, and her shoulders connected deliciously with the blonde's chest.
"…Caroline?" murmured a voice heavy with drowsiness.
Blue eyes widened at the note of sleepy desire running through her name, "Yes?"
Firm hands suddenly covered Caroline's, stopping the blonde's explorations in their tracks, "You have two options; either take your hands off me right now and let me go back to sleep, or touch me properly - because I love you, but if you tease me any more I might have to kill you."
Caroline chuckled softly, the sadness that had been radiating from her quickly replaced by a much more appealing emotion. She placed a kiss against her partner's neck and felt Kate's pulse quicken in response.
An approving murmur escaped the brunette as Caroline bit down gently on her pulse point, and the headmistress smiled against perfumed skin.
Drawing back to appreciate the mark left by her handiwork, she slowly tuned Kate towards her, quirking an eyebrow as mischievous blue eyes found sleepy brown ones, "That is by far the easiest decision I have ever had to make, Miss McKenzie," she whispered, capturing her girlfriend in a soft kiss.
XXXXX
Author's Note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing - I really appreciate it! I wanted to keep this story 'T' rated, but I am writing an 'M' rated section that continues this chapter. I hope to upload it as a separate one-shot shortly. Please feel free to read it, but don't worry - if you decide to just stick to the main story, you won't miss any plot x