Kate made her way down a bland corridor, her heels clicking on the linoleum tiles. Dread filled her, turning her legs to lead as she forced herself towards her destination.
Finally she reached a nondescript wooden door, eyes flicking up to check the chart hanging next to it – Joseph McKenzie. Her stomach clenched at the words and she paused with her palm resting on the handle. Taking a deep breath, she pushed it open.
Inside was small room containing a bed with an NHS standard issue blanket, a shabby wardrobe, a muted TV playing Countryfile, and resting in an armchair staring blankly out of the window, a frail old man.
Kate drank in the sight of him, studying the way his papery dark skin contrasted against wispy white hair. A pang of longing hit her. She already missed her father and he was right there in front of her.
Her heart shattered into even smaller fragments; she hadn't thought it was possible.
Forcing a bright smile onto her face, the brunette stepped into the room, "Hello, Dad."
The small man turned to look at her, his whole face lighting up, "Hello, darling!"
Relief washed over her and she walked over to kiss him on the cheek, "Remember me?"
A look of annoyance flashed across his face, "Of course I do Ginika; we've been married 20 years!"
His daughter gave a resigned nod and sank into the chair opposite, swallowing hard against a wave of sadness.
She took one of his papery hands and ran her thumb over the back of it, "So, how are you?"
Joseph waved his free hand dismissively, "Fine, fine," he replied before leaning towards her conspiratorially, "They have this room bugged, you know."
Kate squeezed his palm reassuringly, "I don't think they do, Dad."
The old man angrily pulled his hand from her grasp, "And what would you know? Bloody women!" he muttered, folding his arms across his chest and shooting her a dirty look.
Kate watched him forlornly. He looked tired, confused and a little bit broken. She knew the feeling.
The mischievous brown eyes she remembered from her childhood were now looking back at her with distrust and the brunette realised this was not going to be one of her easier visits.
They watched each other wearily for a few seconds, until Kate felt compelled to break the silence, standing with a sigh, "How about I get us some tea?"
Her father turned to stare pointedly out of the window, ignoring the question.
Kate gave a curt nod, "I'll be right back," she promised, resting a hand gently on his shoulder as she passed him.
The old man shrugged away from the touch and his daughter was grateful that he was oblivious to the hurt his rejection caused her.
XXXXX
When Kate got to the hallway she allowed her composure to falter, heading off to the vending machine on shaky legs.
It was only as she got close that she saw the 'OUT OF ORDER' sign.
Because of course it was out of order. Everything in her life was broken - why would a crappy vending machine be any different?
Kate placed her forehead against the cold plastic, wishing she was literally anywhere else in the world. Taking a deep breath she stepped away from the machine and banged her fist on the glass in frustration.
Immediately an alarm started wailing and Kate jumped back, glancing up and down the corridor helplessly and wondering whether she could just make a run for it.
Suddenly, a blonde nurse she vaguely recognised as 'Sally' came jogging round the corner, holding up a key and smiling apologetically.
"I'm sorry!" she panted as she came to a stop in front of her, "It's always doing that! I'll turn it off."
As the nurse fumbled with the mechanism a nearby door swung open and a tiny old lady with a purple-rinse poked her head out.
"What's all that bloody racket?" she squawked.
Kate blushed, "It's just the vending machine – don't worry its being fixed."
The old woman narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "And why should I trust you?"
She looked the brunette up and down with distaste, "You've got a fat arse and you let too many men in your bed!"
With that, she slammed the door, disappearing from view.
Kate turned helplessly to the nurse, who looked as though she was trying desperately to force her amused expression into something vaguely sympathetic.
Kate raised an eyebrow, "Well, that just about sums up the day I'm having!"
Finally failing to contain her mirth, the other woman burst into laughter.
The brunette rolled her eyes, but found herself smiling in spite of everything.
"Sorry about Ethel," the blonde offered as she turned the key and finally silenced the alarm, "She can be a handful. Yesterday she told me my hairstyle made me look like a hooker."
Kate grinned, "Well, I won't take it too personally then." She paused, craning her neck in an attempt to glimpse her own backside, "Although I am going to throw out these jeans…"
The nurse laughed again, "I really wouldn't worry about it; she just gets confused sometimes. And sorry about the vending machine – it's crap. Were you after tea? I can bring some to your father's room?"
Kate looked relieved, "That would be great, thank you. It's Sally, isn't it?"
The nurse nodded and the other woman let out a deep breath, "To be honest, I just needed a minute."
Sally hummed sympathetically, "It's tough, but if it helps, your father talks about you all the time."
Kate smiled sadly, "He doesn't even recognise me."
The blonde gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, "He still knows how much his daughter means to him. The important thing is that you remember who you are to each other," she smiled kindly. "I'll go and grab you both a tea."
Kate nodded gratefully, "Thanks," she replied, watching the other woman walk away and mentally steeling herself for the return to her father's room.
XXXXX
"I'm back, Dad."
The old man turned in his seat, his face breaking into a smile, "Hello, lovely girl!"
Joseph stood up on wobbly legs and stretched his arms out wide.
Gone was the suspicious man that Kate had been facing minutes before and, however briefly, her dad stood in his place. She quickly went to him, stepping straight into his embrace.
He hugged her tight and suddenly Kate was crying, huge tears rolling down her cheeks as she took comfort in the familiar smell of him.
Joseph pulled back to study her, his eyes creased with concern, "Now, what's the matter? Is that horrible Tommy Green picking on you again?"
Kate laughed as she took a seat, "Dad, Tommy Green hasn't bullied me since I was about seven!"
Her father nodded knowingly, "That's because I told the little sod I would kick his arse!" He looked at his daughter, "What's the matter?"
Kate quickly wiped her cheeks, "Nothing Dad, I'm just pleased to see you."
At that, her father chuckled, slowly shaking his head. The years melted away from him and for a bittersweet moment it felt as though everything might be alright.
"So," Joseph continued fixing her with a piercing gaze, "How's that lovely girlfriend of yours? Caroline, is it?"
Kate's eyes widened, the shock of the question hitting her like a punch to the gut and bursting the elated bubble she was floating in.
It was a good day when Joe McKenzie even recognised himself, let alone anyone else. And he never, ever, asked about Caroline.
Kate's smile froze in place; she honestly could not believe that her father had asked the question. Every week the thought of visiting her dad filled her with dread, but the one very small silver lining was the absolute certainty that she would not have to discuss Caroline.
An entire afternoon had passed without Kate even thinking about the troublesome blonde; which was practically a record because she was always thinking about Caroline.
Snapping back to the present, the brunette saw that Joseph was still looking at her, his eyebrows raised expectantly.
She rested her trembling hands in her lap and opened her mouth to say something. When no words came out, she simply patted her father's arm and turned to look out of the window, taking a few seconds to pull herself together.
When she looked back at Joseph, his eyes had closed. He looked more peaceful and less confused in his sleep, and she gently let go of his hand, taking a tissue from the windowsill and dabbing her watery eyes.
A swift knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and Sally entered carrying two plastic mugs of tea, "Here you go. Sorry it took a while!"
"Thank you," Kate smiled, accepting one cup and putting the other down in front of her father.
The nurse gave a brief smile and bustled out, the old man stirring at the interruption. His eyes opened and flicked around the room before coming to rest on his daughter.
"Still here then?'"
Kate watched him carefully as he picked up his cup with shaky hands and blew on the contents, "If that's okay?"
Joseph nodded, "Of course," he replied looking around the room, "Did you bring Richard?"
Kate fought the urge to roll her eyes at the mention of her ex-husband. It was exhausting trying to keep up with which version of herself she was playing in her father's head at any one time.
"Not today," she answered diplomatically.
She took a deep breath and placed a hand protectively over her tummy, "But I do have some good news, Dad. I'm going to have a baby."
Joseph's surprised smile caused the tiny fragments of Kate's heart to reassemble in her chest.
As far as she could see, the only advantage to her father's condition was being able tell him over and over again that she was going to be a mother. His sincere joy every time she told him was one of the things that kept her going.
Joseph McKenzie was the only other person on the planet who reacted with as much excitement to the news as Kate did; the only person who didn't judge, worry, or question.
"So, I'm going to be a grandfather?" He asked, looking so excited that Kate worried he might drop his tea. His eyes crinkled with happiness as he properly registered her bump for the first time, "I'm very pleased for you both, darling."
"Thanks Dad, but I'm not with Richard."
Joseph looked confused and Kate sighed, "I'm doing this alone, which I know is scary, but I am sure I will be fine."
Kate held her breath as she waited for his response. She had never considered telling her father this before. He spent so much time distressed and confused that it felt like an unfair burden to place upon him.
Her only excuse was that the unexpected mention of Caroline had thrown her - hitting her while her defences were down and making it harder to pretend that everything was okay.
From the chair opposite, Joseph watched her with a frown, "What a ridiculous thing to say," he murmured.
Kate sighed; her father had once again slipped away to be replaced by the distrustful old man that had greeted her when she first arrived.
Then, suddenly, he surprised her by leaning forwards to pin her with serious brown eyes, "Children are easy. You just love them."
Kate smiled. Just as he always had, Joseph McKenzie could still reassure her like nobody else.
"It's a lot of responsibility," she countered, praying that her father would understand the unspoken question...
What if I can't do it?
Joseph shook his head, "Always worrying. Just like all this panic about whether to study for your Masters."
Kate was briefly thrown off kilter by the casual jump back 20 years, but her father pointed his finger square at her chest and continued, "I said, 'Young lady, there is not a single thing you can't do, because you are good and bright and you work hard.'"
Kate beamed until her cheeks ached, and suddenly she was crying again (because for goodness sake, when was she not crying these days?!)
Her father might be talking about it as though it was yesterday, but a long time had passed since that conversation. Suddenly, it came flooding back to her.
It had been the day of her graduation and Kate had been torn between following her head and her heart; settling down and getting a good job, or pursuing a Masters in languages and qualifying as a teacher - raking up yet more debt but flinging herself into the life that she wanted.
The brunette remembered the conversation, but more importantly, so did her dad.
The realisation filled her with bittersweet happiness and she gave a tearful laugh, "You did say that to me. And I had forgotten, actually."
He nodded sagely, "Forgetfulness. You get that from your mother."
Kate laughed again and wiped her eyes, "Probably."
She took a mouthful of her tea as she considered his advice.
Her parents' encouragement had been a constant in her life, showing her how to be kind and sensible but brave enough to pursue her dreams, and Kate suddenly knew with absolute clarity that she could be a good parent, because her parents had been incredible.
For the first time since she had walked away from Caroline, the brunette genuinely believed that she could make a success of this on her own.
The sadness that had suffocated her for weeks became that tiny bit smaller.
She looked seriously at the amazing man in the opposite armchair, "Thanks Dad, you always make me feel better."
Her father shrugged, "It's what I'm here for."
Kate could think of very few responses that would end without her crying again; eventually settling on, "Make sure you drink your tea before it gets cold."
She picked up her own drink and watched her father over the rim, studying every wonderful part of him while she still had the chance.
Joseph smiled faintly back at her, happy just to have his daughter with him for a while.