"Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky, and so I became the butt of the joke.
I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked; clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke.
Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down...
Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town...
Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now-it's brighter now."
As dawn crept across the horizon the following morning, Rey's feet led her down the familiar path back toward the comfort of routine. The streets shone a little duller without the extra holiday lights on display but she hummed to herself, head still full of the previous evening.
The recognizable outline of Finn's form moved behind the glass windows at the shop. She watched as he placed a baking sheet filled with croissants in the display case. Resigning herself to his likely endless list of questions, she made her way through the door, setting off the bells dangling from the entrance.
"Well, if it isn't the princess back from the ball," He smiled to her, wiping his hands hastily on his apron before coming in for a hug.
Embracing him with giddy warmth, Rey laughed, "Yes, the pumpkin has returned!"
He took in her face, studying her with a scrutiny that left her in discomfort. His soft smile was contagious, though, and she felt her lips tugging up at the corners unconsciously.
"What is it, you weirdo?" She chuckled, moving away from him to place her things behind the counter and don her apron.
Humming, he responded as he made a path back toward the kitchen, "You look good. Like better than usual. You're practically glowing!"
"Gee, thanks," She rolled her eyes. "What am I usually… a gremlin?"
Calling back to her from the kitchen he added, "Babe, you usually have bags the size of suitcases under your eyes. But it's more than that… something is different."
Vaguely registering a sweaty nervous feeling erupting inside her stomach, she pushed the sensation down and tried to act normal… whatever normal meant. Mostly she busied herself trying to reorganize the coffee bar after Kaydel had wrecked it during her absence.
"Now," Finn continued, reemerging with a tray of glazed donuts. "You can be honest with me, pumpkin, you know I won't tell anyone. Even Rose... Did you sleep with that gloomy bastard?"
Rey let out a peal of laughter at the sheer absurdity of the question. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes from mirth as Finn watched, unimpressed and impatient.
"Sorry, that was just too funny," Rey replied between hiccups leftover from her giggles.
"But something did happen, darling, you cannot hide it from me," His eyes narrowed and Rey felt a self-conscious flush rush to her face, causing Finn to erupt in triumph, "I knew it!"
Turning to busy her hands and hide her blush, Rey grudgingly admitted, "We did kiss at midnight, okay. It wasn't a big deal."
Grabbing her shoulders and whirling her back toward him, Finn's face held an incredulous expression, "Rey... I've never known you to so much as look at a guy, let alone kiss one! Give me all the details."
So as she set about preparing coffee cups and restocking syrup bottles, she did. She told him about Ben's family and their mansion and about the kiss. She chose not to mention the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about the thrill of having him place his mouth over hers, in the middle of a raging party, for everyone to see.
"Dr. Dameron wouldn't shut up about kissing at midnight," She added at the end of her spiel.
As expected, at the mention of her future boss, Finn's eyebrows shot up and he smirked, "Now there's a set of lips to kiss at midnight. We can talk about him later, though! What does this all mean? Are you two… dating?"
At last, the question she had been dreading was raised, and shrugging her shoulders, she chose her words in response carefully, "Um, I don't know. I guess? He asked me to a fundraising gala in April."
Throwing his hands up, Finn exclaimed, "What is wrong with straight men? You can't ask for a follow-up date scheduled four months later!"
"He's busy, I expect," Rey said cryptically. "And I will be, too, once I start this TA job. And I still have another draft of my prospectus due before I present it to my committee next month."
Pursing his lips to respond, the conversation was cut short by the first client of the morning entering the shop. Thankful for the reprieve from the current discourse, Rey turned to greet the customer with a bright smile.
The few remaining days left before the academic year resumed passed in a fairly quiet manner. Of course, she had recounted the whole story twice for Rose and then Paige as she dropped off the suit after retrieving it from the dry cleaners.
Rose, like Finn, asked what this meant and Rey managed to shrug her way through the conversation, but as she went to leave her friends' apartment, Rose caught her wrist.
"Rey," She murmured quietly. "I want you to be careful."
Blushing slightly, Rey asked, "Why?"
Rose took a deep breath and pulled Rey's hands into her own. She searched Rey's face just as Finn had but a deep line of concern ran across her forehead.
"Because I know the look on your face," Rose responded evenly. "Don't let him break your heart if he's not worth it, okay?"
Rey blinked rapidly, "Rose, no one is going to break anyone's heart. It's not… that serious."
"That look in your eyes says differently," Before Rey could protest, Rose raised her hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I trust you, I do, but I just want you to be careful. You're a wonderful person and you deserve the absolute best."
Giving her a tight squeeze, Rey managed to extricate herself from the warm apartment, hoping the freezing air would clear her head. Was she missing something? Why did it feel like her face kept broadcasting to everyone around her a betrayal of her emotions?
Not wanting to dwell on the thought since she would begin her new teaching assistant position the following morning, she walked home at a brisk pace, doing her best to ignore the memory of Rose's anxious expression.
Daylight woke her early the next morning. Carefully stretching before setting about her morning routine, she hummed while pulling her hair into its familiar style.
Choosing the right outfit took her longer than she would ever admit to anyone else. Sometimes she was forcefully reminded of how little she knew about operating like someone who had not endured the childhood and teenage years she'd been consigned to live through. Things like what to wear to the first day of the most important job of her life, for example, were not covered in foster care or street wisdom.
Finally settling on one of her nicer business dresses and black tights, she set about pulling everything she could foresee herself needing for the day into her backpack. In checking her phone, she found multiple well-wishes from her friends. The first-day nerves quelled at the messages and she kept the grin from reading them on her face all the way to campus.
Dr. Holdo welcomed Rey into her office where she discovered Dr. Dameron lounging in one of the leather chairs, glasses perched on the end of his nose as he reviewed a set of papers with scrutiny.
"Rey! Nice to see you," He winked from his position across the room.
Fighting back the rush of blood to her face, she smiled, "Hope you had a nice Christmas, Dr. Dameron."
"Not this shit again," He rolled his eyes, but Dr. Holdo interjected before he could continue his usual comedy routine.
"We are both so excited to have you this semester, Rey," She smiled. "Now, I won't lie and say being a TA is some sort of glamorous job. Most of what you'll be expected to do is help with undergraduate grading, tutoring, and proctoring some exams. Occasionally, we may ask you to fill in for us for various lectures. Your schedule will probably vary but expect to spend at least 3 hours here Monday, Wednesday, and Thursdays, with the addition of some light weekend work."
Her nerves reared up again and Dr. Holdo must have sensed her anxiety because she added in a gentle but firm tone, "Rey, there is no one more qualified or capable for this position. Teaching is about learning on your feet. You'll get the hang of it in no time, I promise. And remember, Dr. Dameron and I are here to help you along the way."
Relieved to have found a mentor as empathetic and kind as Dr. Holdo, Rey nodded in appreciation.
"Where would you like me to start?" She asked, smiling slightly.
"Well, let me show you to your office-don't get too excited, it's not much more than a broom closet, but hopefully you'll find it suitable for the time being," Dr. Holdo replied, gesturing for them to exit to the hall. "Poe, leave whatever papers you'd like Rey to take with her on my desk. And don't forget you're in my classroom at 10. The lab is being decontaminated for mold or something."
"Starting off the semester strong!" Poe called to the two retreating women causing Dr. Holdo to chuckle.
Leading Rey down the narrow hallway toward Dr. Dameron's office, her mentor paused in front of a door Rey had never even noticed before. Entering a code onto the keypad, Dr. Holdo turned the handle and led the way into the small space.
She hadn't been lying about the cramped office. A desk furnished with a computer and printer had been pushed against the wall, leaving room for a few old metal filing cabinets and a sparse chair in the corner.
"Like I said, it's not much," Dr. Holdo began.
"It's great," Rey interjected, smiling around at the room-her office.
"Well, I'm glad you feel that way," the older woman smiled. "I'll email you the entry code. Since it's the beginning of the semester, there isn't a lot to review, but I would like you to put together a new tutoring sheet for the updated MLA guidelines with the university house style."
Excited to get started, Rey pulled her desk chair out and placed her belongings in an unoccupied corner.
"Feel free to decorate a little," Dr. Holdo said as she made her way back into the hall. "It's pretty depressing in here. Oh, and I will send you Poe's and my schedule for the semester. He's two doors down if you need him. Come find me when you finish up."
Rey watched her retreating form, her heart full of gratitude for this new beginning. She brought the computer to life and set about pulling up the necessary programs to begin her first assignment as a teaching assistant.
Two and a half hours later her neck was complaining and she felt in desperate need of a stretch. She stood, carefully sliding into the hallway, pulling her arm across her chest as she did so. Without warning, a hard collision knocked her flat to the floor.
Looking up in agitation, she found a stunned Ben Solo looking down at her.
"We've got to stop meeting like this," She groaned, rubbing where her elbow throbbed from bearing the brunt of the fall.
He stretched out a gloved hand and wrapped it around her uninjured arm to help her out of the floor. Oh, how much change a few weeks could make. Wishing she could ignore the flurry of butterflies in her stomach at seeing him so unexpectedly and so soon after their trip, she shot him what she felt to be an easy smile.
"Sorry, I was looking for Dameron. I guess that's your new office?" He pointed into the room where she had just emerged from before plowing into him.
"Yep!" She grinned. "I'm moving on up in the world. It's all very glamorous."
He smirked, "Well, fame is a little overrated. Are you heading out for the day?"
Pausing for a moment to take in his appearance, composed of the usual black cloak and gloves, she studied his face, cataloging each freckle and tracing the pink chap marks on his lips with a newly formed hunger.
"I just need to check in with Dr. Holdo before I leave," She replied, moving her eyes back to meet his gaze. "I have to be at the shop in half an hour."
"Do you care if I walk with you?" He asked, his deep voice faltering only slightly at the end of his question before he clarified, "My caffeine levels have dipped to a critical low."
Her heart leaped to her throat and she tried to remain calm and collected as she responded, "For the good of humanity, we can't allow that. Give me five minutes to finish up and I can meet you downstairs?"
He nodded and they parted ways as he headed toward the stairwell at the opposite end of the hall from Dr. Holdo's office. His smell lingered in his wake, fresh and clean, like the first breath after a rainstorm. A little dazed at the turn of events, Rey managed to get to Dr. Holdo's office without running into anyone else.
"Dr. Holdo, I sent you an email with the tutor guide sheet. Do you need anything before I head out?" Rey asked with her head poked around the corner of her mentor's office door. She tried to not mentally count how many minutes had passed since she promised Ben she would meet him in the lobby.
Offering her a smile, the older woman shook her head, "Nothing else for today, Rey. Thanks for sending me the document. Dr. Dameron left some essays for you to review when you come in on Wednesday. Have a good afternoon."
Rey muttered a hurried goodbye before rushing back to her new office to grab her backpack and staff. After slinging both over her shoulder she tried not to purposefully race down the stairs and through the door that exited into the lobby. Scarlet stained her cheeks from the haste of her journey from the fourth floor but she managed to even her breathing before approaching the spot where Ben stood, reading something on his phone.
"Top secret nuclear codes?" Rey asked, causing him to start slightly in surprise.
Tucking his phone back in his pocket with an eye roll, he responded, "You do know what bioorganic research is, right?"
"Let's go with… sure," She smiled.
"Right," He said with extra sarcasm injected in the single syllable. "Anyway, it was nothing top secret. Just more graduate students starting the semester off with excuses, as usual."
Sometimes Rey forgot that this was Dr. Ben Solo, the professor who made grown people cry quite regularly. She shot him a sideways look and muttered, "You might try having a little empathy."
He snorted, "You give an inch, they take a mile. Just wait, you'll see. That bleeding heart will not suit you as a professor, even one in the humanities."
"I'll take my chances," She responded, feeling her jaw set in a stubborn line.
They made their way out of the building and the wave of cold caused a sharp shiver to run through her. Stupid dress. Hugging her coat closer to her body by crossing her arms over her torso, she looked up to find him studying her movement with vague amusement.
"The one bloody time I try to look professional," She lamented. "Serves me right."
"I think you look nice," He admitted with a tenderness that threatened to knock her harder than walking right into his chest ever could. "So at least if you freeze to death, that can be some consolidation to your loved ones."
A loud laugh escaped her lips and she replied, "I suppose you'll just leave me out here on the quad for some freshman biologist to experiment on, then?"
"Well, I do study bioorganic matter, and as you know exactly what that is, you'll know your body could go on to help further the scientific frontier," He said easily, flashing a small smirk at her.
Rey sighed as they exited the main campus and waited to cross a bustling intersection, "Well, anything to get me out of my next round of drafting my prospectus and defending it."
Turning to glance at his face, she noticed the end of his nose turning pink from the chill breeze that also jostled the ends of his long hair. She tried to not think about how much she liked his hair tousled by the wind.
"It wouldn't be a Ph.D. if you weren't dreading defending the prospectus," Ben shrugged. "I'm happy to read it if you would like."
Mortified at the thought, Rey let out a nervous chuckle, "Yeah, okay, and have you tear me apart? No, thanks."
"Criticism is an inherent part of academia," He responded with confusion coloring his expression.
"I've heard far too much about your critical style, I'm afraid," She chuckled as they crossed the street at a brisk pace and turned up the block that would lead to the shop.
Pursing his lips, Ben seemed to take a long moment to think before he spoke, "You're tougher than you think, Rey. You need to let go of feeling inadequate if you want to fulfill your full potential."
She dropped her eyes to the ground, feeling embarrassed at his words and knowing that the sensation bordered on irrational.
"I would never lie to you, Rey," He said softly as they reached the door to the shop. "I have many faults, and I have been called many things, but I don't lie."
Forcing herself to meet his gaze, she nodded briefly in acknowledgment, "Thank you. I mean, it's insane to think that," she lowered her voice, "Kylo Ren would be telling me this, but I appreciate it."
He gave one of his rare smiles at her words and gestured toward the door, "If you tell anyone I am capable of being nice-"
"Yeah, yeah," Rey waved him off as they entered. "True crime podcast. Got it."
Kaydel stood behind the counter looking bored out of her mind as they approached. Rey noticed with chagrin that her syrup bottles were in complete disarray again.
"Thank god you're here," She exclaimed. "This has been the slowest shift I think I've ever worked and I used to help my second cousin take care of sloths."
Ben shot Rey a glance as if to ask, Is she serious? Rey tried to send one back that conveyed, Unfortunately, yes.
"Have no fear, Rey is here to relieve you," She grinned while slipping on her apron and moving behind the counter. "I even brought in a customer. Truly saving the day."
Once again, with other people around, Ben had reverted back to appearing like a sour overgrown bat, which Rey struggled to understand. Why on earth should she be any different than Kaydel or Beau or anyone else?
"Hey, do you care to swing by my building on Thursday? I'll meet you after my seminar at 1. I need to borrow your keys for the morning shift. Mine are in the mail. Left them at my mom's… again," Kaydel gushed in what sounded like a single breath while completely ignoring Ben.
Rey smiled, "Sure thing. I'll wait in the lobby." She watched as Kaydel pulled off her apron and moved to the other side of the counter. "Have a good evening!"
They observed Kaydel's blonde head disappear out the door and around the corner toward campus. Rey shook her head as she set about fixing the bottle setup and pulling a cup out from under the counter for Ben's order. As the only two in the shop, she was grateful for the opportunity to take her time.
"Are all your friends so…" Ben began but Rey cut him off.
"Insane?" She laughed before continuing, "No, Kaydel is very much her own person. She's studying something to do with space… I think?"
"Well, as you're not great with any science discipline that isn't used to make machines work, studying space as an explanation will have to suffice," He teased as he watched her prep the espresso machine with practiced ease.
Narrowing her eyes, she pointed an accusing finger at him after pressing the portafilter into place, "Just wait. One day you'll need me to fix your dishwasher or something and I won't do it."
He raised an eyebrow and she admitted, "Okay, I probably will, but I am gonna complain the whole time."
Pouring his liquid heart attack into the to-go cup, she thought about her words, and how they sounded like this… whatever it was… would last for longer than a few short months, which did not seem like his intention. A subtle ache echoed in her chest at the prospect.
"I wouldn't want it any other way," He said and that same tenderness from before entered his tone. She took the card he extended toward her with clumsy fingers, hoping he wouldn't notice her nerves.
"So now that you're taking in your rocket fuel, what will you do?" She asked, knowing she had no right to do so as she returned his card.
He placed his card back in his wallet and replied, "Well, I have a lab tonight, hence this moderate intake of coffee. I will likely spend it trying to ensure no one kills anything in between reading some truly dismal lab reports."
"Wow, you make academia sound so thrilling," Rey mocked, propping her chin on her hands and giving him a winningly naive smile.
He took a gulp of espresso, "I do have a reputation to maintain, after all."
The door chimed, alerting them to someone entering their secluded moment, and as if he had suddenly remembered himself, Ben stood ramrod straight again and stiffly said, "Well, I better get back. See you around, Rey."
Before she had time to wonder what that was about, his large black outline had exited the shop. She was left to stare blankly as the door shut before focusing her effort on the patron in front of the bar.
The next few days elapsed without any additional run-ins with Ben Solo and Rey told herself under no circumstances would she feel disappointed by his absence. She'd made it through 28 years of life without him, so what did a few days matter? Yet, each morning she found herself looking for him-in the shop and in the hallway leading to her office-and the letdown of seeing any face but his never dulled.
Thursday morning came and passed. She spent the better part of her time reading assignments sent in for review to the department's tutoring email. Revising the papers of undergraduates did help boost her self confidence, though she remembered her first days of college and tried to leave the most encouraging feedback possible on each paper.
The walk to Kaydel's building took around ten minutes from her own, so she set out at a quarter till 1 p.m. The brisk January air still clung to the trees in frozen crystals as she fixed on a quick pace across campus. She only met a few other students bustling through the path toward the science building.
Entering the foreign lobby, Rey made her way toward a small lounge where Kaydel had texted her to meet earlier that morning. At least the endless rows of glass windows ensured warmth radiated throughout the ground floor. After a few moments, Rey discovered her friend, guzzling a Redbull, sitting at one of the tables clustered together at the far edge of the space.
"Hey," Rey greeted, pulling the set of keys from her pocket and handing it to Kaydel.
"Have I told you how much I owe you for this?" Kaydel beamed as she kissed the key and tucked it into the front zipped pocket of her jacket.
"I just appreciate you taking my opening shift in the morning. I have got to work on this prospectus tomorrow," Rey smiled back. "Just leave the key with Finn, I'll get it from him when I see him tomorrow night."
"Bachelorette?" Kaydel asked with a knowing look in her eyes.
"He promised to feed me," Rey shrugged. "Which is worth being his emotional support."
Kaydel downed the rest of her drink and stood up, "I gotta get going, I promised my landlady I'd help with a possum issue she's been dealing with since Christmas."
Unfazed by Kaydel's kooky stories, Rey nodded, "I'm just gonna hit the loo before I head home."
In returning from Kaydel's instructions to the "nice bathrooms with toilets that actually flush" on the second floor, Rey passed by a set of dark labs. Her mind instantly went to Ben Solo, wondering if he taught in those rooms. In fact, she must have been thinking a little too much about him because as she passed an open break room, her peripheral vision caught a glimpse of a dark-headed man bent over a table.
The voice that came from the break room after she passed, though, unmistakably belonged to Ben Solo.
"Rey?" At the sound of her name, she turned with such haste that dizziness stirred at the edge of her vision.
"I promise I'm not stalking you," She asserted stupidly, just as someone who was stalking him would say.
He let out a low chuckle, "I guess Kaydel told you the secret of the second-floor bathrooms."
She had forgotten he'd been present when she agreed to meet Kaydel in this building, probably because his sullen demeanor had removed him from the conversation at the time. She noticed the white lab coat he wore and noted how the contrast with his inky hair added to his desirable appearance. The last time he had spoken to her ended so abruptly she felt the whiplash of his easy presence.
"On a break from making graduate students cry?" Rey smiled, leaning against the threshold of the door, forcing herself to not ask the other questions on her mind.
He stood and discarded the trash from his lunch, "I'm only human, after all."
"I'll be sure to tell that to the students I am forced to comfort at 6 a.m." She smirked and shifted away from the door as he approached where she stood.
Making a noncommittal noise in return, his eyes swept across her features, "You look tired."
"Gee, thanks," She muttered, feeling her confidence take a hit. "Not all of us are accustomed to living on little to no sleep."
Sensing he had caused some damage with his words, he offered a small smile and added, "And now you know why the triple espressos are required."
Rolling her eyes, she found herself following him down the length of the hall leading to the staircase. He strolled at a slower than usual pace and her brain almost tricked her into believing he didn't want this moment to end, either.
"I will not be tempted to the dark side," She replied with a wink. "No matter how much caffeine you offer me."
As they neared the door to the staircase, he shrugged, "We'll see what you're saying after your first semester as TA."
They entered the stairwell and she traced the outline of his jaw in the fluorescent light, wondering why the universe kept throwing them together at random intervals. Perhaps his thoughts also lingered on the coincidence of their meeting again so soon as he stared down at her, an inscrutable expression on his face.
"I guess I'll see you later, then?" Rey finally said. "Unless you're going down-"
"No," He said abruptly, startling her slightly. "I, uh, am heading to my office on the fifth floor. Have a good evening."
"You, too," Rey said faintly while watching him round the corner, the tail of his lab coat swishing around the handrail leading up the stairs.
She stayed rooted to the spot, mulling over the creeping sensation in her stomach. Surely feeling sorrow at parting from Ben Solo could not be a good sign for her mental state. I'm just tired, she told herself stubbornly. It's making me more irrational. A door opening above her brought her back to reality and she made her feet carry her back down the staircase to the lobby.
With no hope of rest anytime soon, she exited the building and allowed the January air to clear her senses with the sharp freshness of winter numbing her ears and cheeks. Her mind replayed the interaction as she briskly traced the path to her apartment building. Each time she felt like she was beginning to understand Ben Solo, he pulled the rug out from under her, leaving her to wonder what his end goal in all of this could possibly be. Surely he wanted more than merely to appease his parents? Perhaps he wanted to prove something she couldn't quite perceive yet.
Shaking her head in an attempt to clear him from her psyche to tackle her prospectus draft, Rey entered her warm apartment. The usual whistling radiator in the corner of her living space greeted her as she placed her backpack and staff by the door.
Working until well after the sunset, Rey felt her eyes growing heavy from where she sat in front of her old laptop. The thick darkness of winter settled upon her windows and the clouds obscured any hope of seeing the moonlight.
I'll just rest my eyes for a moment, she thought drowsily.
The sound of a city garbage truck woke her as bright daylight streamed into her apartment. She stretched a sharp crick in her neck sending a radiating pain up to her temples. Groaning from the uncomfortable position she had rested in for the full night, she stood and tried to work the knot from her shoulder.
Scrounging up breakfast, she sat back in front of the computer screen, resigned to doing another round of edits and fleshing out her introduction and conclusion sections with Dr. Holdo's recommendations.
As the afternoon faded into evening, Rey shut the laptop, rubbing her eyes to dispel the tiredness. She promised to be at Rose and Finn's apartment in less than half an hour from the current time. Cheered at the thought of pizza and listening to Finn's commentary on The Bachelorette, she pulled on her boots and jacket with eager haste.
Knocking on their apartment door, Rey realized with a start that she hadn't thought of Ben Solo once that entire day. Perhaps she wasn't going as insane as she thought. The door swung open to reveal Finn, half a piece of pizza clutched in his hand.
"Hey, pumpkin," Finn smiled, hugging her carefully so as not to coat her in pizza sauce. "You look tired."
"Why is everyone telling me that lately?" She snapped back. "Maybe it's because I am tired."
"Oh, dear," Finn smiled, pulling her hand toward the kitchen as she tugged her jacket off. "I can tell you're hangry. Have some pizza, we ordered way too much."
Rose stood in the kitchen, loading her own plate, "They had a buy two get one free, Finn! Too good a deal to pass up."
The tempting aroma of warm cheese and fresh pizza crust instantly improved Rey's mood and she loaded her plate before settling into her favorite recliner near the television, ready for an evening of not having to use her brain at all.
"You know she's not going to send home that asshole who insulted her last week," Rose was saying to Finn as they entered the small living room. "He's too much drama."
"And stupidly handsome," Finn added sagely, plopping down on the sofa next to Rose.
A small vibration in her pocket distracted Rey from the current discourse happening between Finn and Rose. With some effort, she freed her phone from her back pocket and glanced down to see a text from a number with no name saved. Despite this lack of identification, she recognized it immediately and nearly dropped her pizza in astonishment.
How goes the prospectus? The dark side must be looking better and better.
Without consciously recognizing her lips tug up at the edges, she smiled down at the text message with a knot of giddy energy forming in her stomach.
Balancing out hours of work with trash tv and pizza. No need for the dark side as of yet.
The three dots denoting his response popped up immediately and she waited in nervous excitement as his reply came through.
Enjoy your evening. Just wanted to remind you that my offer still stands.
"Earth to Rey!" Rose's giggle broke into her private moment and she looked around to find her best friend's both smirking at her.
Tucking the phone next to her, she tried to put on as innocent an expression as possible, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
Finn gave her a skeptical look from his position across the room, "I guess that was Dr. Tall, Dark, and Gloomy?"
Managing to keep her tone neutral, Rey responded, "He was just offering to review my prospectus before my defense in a few weeks."
Rose and Finn both stared at her before Rose recovered enough to ask, "And what on earth does he know about literature? I thought he did something with rats."
She ended her statement with a shudder and Rey, remembering she promised not to divulge his secret, shrugged and simply replied, "I mean, he still reads a lot of academic writing. I don't plan to take him up on it unless I'm desperate."
Thankfully, the commercial break ended and she was spared from the conversation as Finn entered a rant about the elimination from the week before. Not interested in opening the conversation again, she tucked the phone away in her back pocket, Ben Solo's face dancing on the edge of her consciousness.
She managed to return to her apartment before the evening had gotten late, grateful to have her shop keys back in her possession before her morning shift. Unfortunately, after completing her night routine and climbing into her soft bed, she struggled to drop off into sleep.
Retrieving her phone, she composed a message, breaking the promise she had made to herself to never text him unnecessarily. Then again, she seemed to be breaking a lot of rules lately.
How go the lab reports? On your second or third espresso, yet?
I took the evening off to test your hypothesis. He replied almost immediately. No pizza or trash television, though.
She blinked at the message, trying to imagine him relaxing, but she stopped herself when that thought led her down a dangerous path.
So when do I receive my Nobel prize for science? She shot back quickly.
I had to endure Dameron singing karaoke. His reply sent a giggle from her lips.
Sounds like fun. Did you sing, too?
She shifted in bed, tucking her arm under her pillow while she awaited his next message with a stifled yawn.
Thankfully for our fellow bar patrons, no.
Imagining Ben Solo on a karaoke stage, lit by a set of green and red lights refracted off a disco ball, conjured a wide grin to split across her face.
A pity. I'd like to see that someday.
Her eyes were growing heavy again and she hit send on the message just before she found herself succumbing to the comfort of sleep.
The next afternoon as she gathered her desperately neglected pile of laundry, she caught sight of the battered spine of a red book on her bookcase. She plucked it off the shelf and brushed the light layer of dust that had accumulated during the last few years from the top edge.
Her hands traced each letter on the cover, superimposed over an image of double moons at sunset, and the memories associated with the author's name crashed down upon her. She took the book down to the basement, ready to revisit the epic story to distract her from the mundane task of waiting for her underwear to dry.
"Oh god, isn't that the book you once described in way too much detail to Rose and me when we first started hanging out?" Finn's voice cut in the following day during the early morning lull to where Rey sat, nose stuck halfway through the thick book.
"Probably," Rey shrugged. "I wanted to see how it holds up."
That was only a partial lie she told herself, turning back to the page she had looked up from to answer his question. Unfortunately, a tinkling of the doorbells let her know she would have to set aside her book and return to work.
"I'm telling you, man, you should consider it," The warm tone of Dr. Dameron's voice came from the end of the counter and as she looked up, she spotted that he was not alone.
Mortified at the thought of being caught reading Knights of Ren by its very author, she shoved the book under the counter where neither of the men would notice. Brushing a few loose strands of hair from her face she lifted her eyes to find Ben Solo staring down at her.
"Hi," She said softly, still reeling from seeing him in her shop, and even whilst her friends were present.
"Hi," He replied, giving her a small smile. "How's the prospectus?"
Rolling her eyes and pulling down the to-go cups to make each of their usual drink orders, Rey sighed, "Terrible, as usual."
"Right of Passage," Dr. Dameron grinned over to her. "By the way, thanks for your feedback on those essays this week. You're way more competent than our last TA."
"That's because your last TA was too busy fawning over you to actually get any work done," Ben shot back at his friend.
Rey, as was usual, took a moment to study Ben from her position behind the espresso machine. She wondered briefly if he had recently trimmed his hair and observed the stubble lining his jaw and upper lip. He looked more relaxed than usual, which she supposed was normal given it was Saturday, after all.
"Finn, how's your capstone going?" Dr. Dameron asked, looking back to where Finn stood, pretending to take stock of the baked goods in the display case. Rey knew his real goal revolved around eavesdropping on their conversation.
Taking that as his cue to join the group, he moved toward them. Rey found herself inwardly hoping Ben Solo might not revert to his cold and gloomy disposition as he so often did around those he did not know.
"Honestly, I've resigned myself to never actually graduating at this rate," Finn responded in chagrin. He then shifted his focus to Ben and stuck out his hand. "I'm Finn, by the way. Nice to finally meet you."
After an awkward pause, Ben took the outstretched hand in his, "Rey has, of course, told me a lot about you."
Knowing she hadn't actually told him much about Finn, she appreciated his effort at cordiality at the very least. Finn, for his part, seemed to be sizing up the man across the counter from him as Rey finished making each drink and moved to the register.
"One liquid heart attack," She handed the cup to Ben and felt his fingertips brush over her own lightly. The effect of feeling the warmth of his hand on hers again left a swooping sensation in her stomach. He pulled back from her quickly, offering his card in an awkward gesture, seemingly aware of the eyes watching them.
"And one regular latte," She smiled, handing Dr. Dameron his cup as she processed Ben's payment and returned his card.
Dr. Dameron chuckled as he handed over a five-dollar bill and she retrieved his change from the drawer, "You two are good for each other."
Ben and Rey awkwardly avoided eye contact at his words, aware of the precarious nature of their subterfuge. Finn, however, decided that would be the perfect moment to say, "Yes, it's nice to have someone else understand all that Rose and I have put up with during the last year. The Lord of the Rings marathons, the intense discussions, mostly with herself, about whether or not Kylo Ren is a woman or a man-"
Rey purposefully stepped on his foot, hoping to do so subtly enough that neither of the other men would notice. Unfortunately, she saw Poe shoot Ben a smirk from behind his to-go cup and she wanted to knock Finn down with her staff for bringing up Kylo Ren. Perhaps it had been her fault-she had brought the book work, after all.
"And what did you decide," Poe asked, which earned him a not-so-subtle elbow to the side from Ben.
Totally oblivious to the joke, Finn continued, "Well, Rey insists Kylo can only be a man because of the… what was your exact phrase, pumpkin?"
She was officially going to kill Finn after her boss and her… whatever Ben was… left.
"Because of the Byronic nature of the antihero," Rey muttered, half-hoping they couldn't hear the embarrassment in her tone.
Once again Rey found herself saved by the entry of a group of undergraduates looking for a place to warm up with cheap coffee and free WiFi. She handed Poe back the change from his order and collected herself to smile at them.
"I was always more a fan of Keats, myself," Poe winked as he moved to head back toward the exit. "I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic."
"Foolish sap might be more apt," Ben replied coolly. "See you later."
By the time they had left the shop, the group of undergraduates had begun hurling drink orders at Rey, so she didn't have the opportunity to watch Ben turn and retreat back down the sidewalk toward campus.
As she lay in bed that evening, after somehow managing not to kill Finn, her phone vibrated and she looked down to see one word reflected back up at her.
Pumpkin?
Cringing internally, Rey cursed her best friend for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
Because I tend to fall asleep practically the moment it turns past 10 p.m., no matter where I might be…
His response came swiftly, I seem to recall bearing witness to such an event. After a few moments, he sent another message, Do you have a history with him?
Blinking in surprise, Rey quickly replied, Not that it's really any of your business but Finn is like my brother. Plus he's gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
Honestly, she didn't know how anyone could meet Finn and his presence not send their gaydar beeping off the charts, but then again, Ben Solo might be some type of advanced droid sent to colonize the earth for an alien race.
His response came in five minutes later. He seems very protective of you.
Surely her brain, once again, tried to fool her into thinking the undercurrent of his message held a hint of jealousy. For that to be true… Well, she chose not to linger on that particular impossibility and instead wrote back, That's what friends are for.
She fell asleep waiting for a response that never came.
Most of the next week wore on in a dull and repetitive fashion. Between her TA work picking up as the first assignments for the semester rolled in and trying to balance shifts at the shop with completing her defense proposal, Rey hardly had a moment to herself. She preferred to be busy, anyway, as it served as a distraction from her arrangement with Ben Solo.
Spending most of the following Thursday in the university library after completing another set of mind-numbing essay reviews for Dr. Dameron allowed her an opportunity to herself. She relished in getting lost in the research for her proposal, enjoying the luxury of booking one of the solo study pods to make annotations in peace.
Peace, however, proved rather brittle when she looked up from her table and out of the glass walls surrounding her pod to see Ben Solo of all people, perusing a shelf a few aisles away from where she sat.
Torn between wanting to be sucked into the floor never to be seen by his eyes again and waving until he noticed her doing so, she settled on trying not to stare at him while she organized her notes in a more coherent pile of thoughts.
Unfortunately, during one of her attempts to sneak a glimpse at him, he turned and caught full sight of her peering over the top of her laptop at him. Knowing she probably resembled a deer in the headlights, she raised a hand to give a little wave. Ben's face split into one of his signature small smiles, and he raised a hand to return her wave. Why did her heart insist on beating out of rhythm at a time like this?
He seemed to form the resolution to come and speak with her because she watched as he pulled the book he had been examining from the shelf and moved toward her glass bubble.
"Impressive organizational approach," He smirked in place of a greeting as he lingered at the entryway to the small study space.
Rey, feeling both frazzled and unmoored, took in the chaotic desk in front of her and offered a sheepish grin, "Well, I was less likely to fall asleep here than at home on my sofa."
"Yes, it probably would be embarrassing to drool on your books where everyone can see," He answered comfortably.
"And risk the wrath of the librarian staff? Never," Rey said. "What brings you here?"
For some reason, an expression of discomfort flashed across his features before he managed to revert to his calm disposition. He raised the book in his hand for her to see. The cover revealed the title of a bestseller from the previous year.
"Dameron won't shut up about it," Ben shrugged. "I've been looking for something to read since you won't send me your prospectus."
Shaking her head ruefully, Rey responded, "You'll survive, somehow."
Taking a look around the room, he asked, "Would you like to take a break? We could get something to eat."
Scrutinizing his expression, she thought she saw a flicker of doubt flare up in his dark eyes. Smiling with a calmness she certainly did not feel under the surface, she gave him a quick nod.
"Sure, but you're paying because I know you're rich," She smirked as he shot her an eye roll. "Let me pack this up."
She tucked all her notes and laptop quickly in her bag before collecting all the scattered books to return to the central desk on her way out of the library. He observed her with his usual neutral inclination and she vaguely wondered if she had even remembered to brush her hair that morning.
Plopping a pile of books in his arms, she grinned, "Make yourself useful."
"Quite rude to speak to the person offering you food in such a manner," He responded, staring down at the collection now in his arms.
As they strolled out of the study area and back into the central area of the library, Rey felt the eyes of many passing students and staff follow their path. She supposed Ben did have a reputation on campus so seeing him helping a student might startle some of the others congregated nearby.
He leaned over to drop off her books and check out the one he had plucked from the shelf for himself. Once again, he reverted to a more sullen version of himself while interacting with the librarian.
"Why do you do that?" Rey asked once they managed to leave the warm comfort of the building. "Turn into a big gloomy bat around other people, I mean."
His eyebrows constricted slightly and he responded curtly, "I don't know what you mean."
"Yes, you do," She laughed. "You get all emo. I've noticed it before. You don't do it around me, though."
Choosing not to meet her gaze, he pressed the button for the crosswalk and said, "You're different."
Her heart started beating like a conga drum once again at his words and she hid her flush under the pretense of checking the traffic light before leading the way across the intersection. The traffic this late in the afternoon represented the early part of rush hour. She listened to the sounds of horns in the distance, not sure what to say back to his declaration.
"You can't fool me," She said finally, summoning the courage to glance up at him. "I know you're actually pretty nice under all that bluff."
He offered her an exasperated look, "Guess my secret is out."
As she took in their surroundings, she realized he had been leading her to one of her favorite pizza places off-campus. The little hole-in-the-wall shop offered little more than a counter to order from and two tiny tables crunched against the wide street-facing window.
"Pizza?" She smiled.
"You did say that pizza was part of the balance keeping you from the dark side," He replied simply. "I draw the line at trash television, though."
Approaching the counter, Rey felt a warmth unrelated to the heat lamps in the restaurant radiate through her entire body. After requesting several slices of pepperoni and a can of ginger ale, she turned to listen to Ben place his own order. She grabbed one of the empty tables and placed her order and backpack down as he paid.
"Thanks for this," Rey managed after she swallowed her first bite. "I needed a break."
Transfixed on seeing Ben Solo eat a piece of pizza, she took in his nod of acknowledgment.
"It'll get easier," He responded after a moment. "Who's your chair? Holdo?"
She nodded halfway through another bite and he continued, "She will get you through. Defending your prospectus is often more difficult than the actual writing part of the dissertation."
"It's just… hard," She muttered truthfully. "I had no idea how to do any of this before I came to grad school, and I feel like I'm stumbling through the entire process."
She didn't want to look at him just then and expose the terrible vulnerability in her eyes. Instead, she felt him place a warm hand on her wrist. Snapping her eyes to meet his gaze, he offered her a rueful smile.
"Rey," He chuckled. "Everyone stumbles through the process and most don't have near as good a topic as you do."
She focused on the sensation of his rough fingertips still laid across her wrist. Unbidden, the thought of how easy it would be to turn her hand and lace their fingers together entered her mind. Almost as if he sensed her idea, he retracted his hand to lift his slice of pizza back to his lips.
"You're a good friend, Ben," She said softly.
In raising his eyes to her face, he revealed the surprise in his usually calm demeanor. She continued to eat her pizza, though, as if nothing major had occurred with her last statement.
"Can I have the peppers you keep picking off?" She asked, breaking the moment. He pushed the plate of discarded banana peppers toward her.
The light filtering through the window framed his face, revealing the brown highlights in his dark hair, and she even spied a grey strand growing from near his right temple. Sitting here, watching this strange and beautiful man eat pizza, Rey felt more content than she had in some time. Vaguely, the danger alarms in the back of her mind tried to kick into high gear, but she ignored them as she added the peppers to her slice.
"Have any fun weekend plans?" She inquired, which earned her a sigh.
"Reading more terrible lab reports and trying not to kill myself because of that," He shrugged, finishing his last slice of pizza and collecting all the trash from the table in one pile.
She nodded, knowing she had eaten far too much and suppressed a burp with Herculean effort.
"Why'd you go into teaching?" She asked, finally voicing a question that had plagued her for some time.
He thought about his answer for a long moment before responding, "Because, despite all the idiocy I have to wade through, watching students grow and develop their capacity for learning is almost addicting."
His answer surprised her but before she could say as much he posited the same question back to her.
"I want to be what Holdo was to me to someone else," She shrugged. "I want to help cultivate and encourage students to their fullest potential."
He smirked and stood to dispose of their trash, "That bleeding heart strikes again."
Retrieving her belongings, she offered him a smile, "Careful, I think you might be projecting."
Scoffing at the sentiment, he led the way out of the small pizzeria, and looking to her he asked, "Where are you off to now?"
Rey stretched her arms and yawned, "Home, it's about 20 minutes from here."
He frowned, looking up to the sky, which had grown dark and grey during their time eating, "I could drive you if you'd like?"
"No!" She responded, perhaps too abruptly, and so she added, "I like to walk. It's… good for clearing my head."
Nodding his acceptance he said, "Fair enough. Be careful getting home."
They had reached the parting of directions and mastering her nerves, she stepped forward and hugged him deliberately. His arms instantly rose to encircle her, as if in reflex. For a moment, she just existed alone with Ben Solo-not a care in the world. His solid chest broke the chill wind from reaching her cheeks and she inhaled that fresh scent she had come to associate with him.
"See you later," She said as she pulled away. Before she could do something more drastic, she turned quickly and walked at a brisk pace back toward her apartment.
After she managed to get home, she heard her phone vibrate and in unlocking her screen she found a message from him, Mind clear?
Knowing her mind was nowhere even remotely near clear, she deflected by responding, Had to focus too much on not being kidnapped and assassinated on the mean city streets.
The three dots appeared before his next message came through.
Good. I would hate to have to pay a ransom to get you back.
Deciding she needed to put her phone away lest her heart convince her to write something she couldn't take back, Rey set about her nightly routine. The hug played over and over in her head as she climbed into bed.
The danger felt closer than ever.
February seemed to be approaching at lightspeed by the following Wednesday, as Rey spent her morning helping a few master's students in reviewing assignments for Dr. Dameron. She enjoyed editing other people's work as doing so offered the same rush as fixing a broken piece of machinery.
However, working on someone else's paper caused her to return to fretting about her own upcoming defense. While she certainly believed she knew her prospectus back and forward, as well as knowing her capability in articulating why her topic merited an entire dissertation, some self-doubt still lingered in the back of her mind like a storm cloud.
"Hey, Rey!" Poe's friendly greeting came from her office door.
She glanced up from her work with a smile, "Good morning, Dr. Dameron."
Offering an exasperated sigh he chided, "One day, you will call me Poe."
"Sure, sure," She laughed. "I just finished helping Jannah and Aayla with their research essays."
"They're two of my best this semester," he said as he leaned into her door frame. After a beat, he added, "Do you know anyone who might be interested in dog sitting? My corgi, BB-8, has mega separation anxiety and I have to leave for a conference next week."
As if she could see the stars aligning in the galaxy, she mentally thought to herself, Finn is gonna owe me for a whole decade.
"Actually, my friend Finn, you know… from the shop?" A stupid question since Dr. Dameron had spoken to Finn on multiple occasions. "He loves corgis, and I'm sure you could pay him, in like, pizza or something."
Poe chuckled, "That's awesome. Can you text me his number? It'd be great if he could. BB-8 bit Ben once and he refuses to dog sit now… Speaking of, did he find you last week?"
"Who?" Rey asked in confusion, still busy forwarding Finn's contact information to him.
"Ben. He was looking for you last Thursday," Poe shrugged. "I told him I thought you went to the library."
As if a bucket of ice had been emptied over her head, Rey snapped her head to look at Poe. She felt thunderstruck. If the library hadn't been some random coincidence, then what could it all possibly mean?
"I gotta say, and this is as a friend and not a boss since your shift technically ended two minutes ago," He grinned. "You've been so good for Ben. I've never, ever seen him this happy, and I've known him a long ass time. It's great to see him writing again."
Rey's mind whirled at this revelation, trying to reconcile Poe's with those words she had once heard Ben utter about her.
"She is not remotely interesting enough to tempt me, even in a platonic sense - though she does have nice eyes, I suppose."
"Shit, I wasn't supposed to tell you about the writing thing," Poe groaned. "I only know because I caught him in the act a few weeks ago. Anyway, I don't know how you do it, but you get him better than anyone else ever has. I'm glad he has you."
He seemed wholly oblivious to how close to a panic attack Rey felt as he rapted his knuckles on the frame and said, "Thanks again for Finn's number. I'll be in touch! See you later.'
"Bye," She said weakly, the room still threatening to spin upside down on her.
She clutched her chair armrests for support. Stumbling to identify what exactly was causing this irrational spiral of emotion, she caught sight of her reflection in the dark computer monitor. She looked the same as ever-three buns, bare face, her hazel eyes wide with adrenaline.
Hope.
Everything slid into place. She realized with a painful vulnerability that she felt hope blossoming after not allowing herself to feel it for weeks and weeks. Poe's words had smashed the remaining feeble levees protecting her and all the emotions she had held back for so long crashed down.
Well, there was only one way to actually confirm her theory. She resolved to discover the truth of their arrangement as soon as she could.
Luckily, she had an opening shift on Friday, which meant she could leave around noon. After she clocked out, she worked to create his signature drink to carry to his office. Her plan was fairly straight forward as she made her way to where she thought he might be... the fifth floor of the science building. She had settled on stepping outside of her comfort zone and meeting him on his territory.
Trying to contain her giddiness as she followed the well-worn path to campus, she focused on the heat of the to-go cup keeping her hands warm as a distraction. After what felt like both eternity and half a minute, she was climbing the stairs in his building. The butterflies in her throat threatened to suffocate her as she located the hallway directory. She traced down the list until she located his name:
BEN SOLO….2187
Stumbling in the right direction, she spied the door to his office ajar from its position near the very end of the hall. The wide windows along the hallway let the sun illuminate her path and threw the threshold of his office into shadow.
She came to the entrance and had started to say something when her words died in her throat.
Rather than Ben Solo, she found perhaps the tallest woman she had ever seen lounging on a couch across from his desk. Her short platinum hair had been pinned back in a retro style and she sat with a confident ease that disquieted Rey.
The wide office was well lit with natural daylight and if the circumstances had been different, Rey might've laughed at the idea that a vampire could ever comfortably occupy this space.
"Oh, hello there," The strange woman said to Rey from behind the magazine she had been reading.
"Uh, I was looking for Dr. Solo," Rey replied awkwardly, cringing internally at how stupid it had been to turn up here with no warning.
"Ben? He stepped out to grab us some lunch," The smile she returned to Rey appeared as more of a smirk. "Are you a student of his?"
Rey shook her head, "No I'm a... friend," she finished lamely. "Can you let him know Rey stopped by?"
The woman opposite her narrowed her eyes in a catlike motion as if she was readying to pounce. "So, you're Rey. Ben did mention you briefly. I'm Gwen Phasma, Ben's agent but, of course, that's not all."
Suddenly struck with a dizzying sickness, Rey tried to make anything the woman across the room from her was saying.
"It is nice that Ben's had you to… distract him these last few weeks while I was out of town," Gwen carried on as if she had no idea that each word struck Rey with a new cut. "I'm glad to know he's made such a good friend."
"Yeah," Rey replied lamely. She felt herself shutting down to avoid crying in front of a stranger.
"Of course, now that he's working on that project he's owed me five years, I expect we will be traveling quite a lot," She offered Rey the shadow of a pitying smile. "Don't take it too hard if you lose touch. I know it can be hard when you're… well no one of importance and he's… well, let's just say more than some professor at a public university."
Knowing she couldn't stand this taunting for a second longer, Rey slammed the coffee cup on the bookshelf nearest to her and turned to flee from the conversation and the pain of letting Ben Solo into her life.
She walked numbly back down the stairs and into the sunny afternoon, feeling as though she would crumble and turn to dust at any moment. Allowing her feet to carry her home, she didn't even notice the tears streaming down her cheeks until she couldn't see the sidewalk in front of her. Anger swelled in her chest at the idea that she had allowed herself to believe for a single second that Ben Solo had actually cared for her. He had been using her as a means to an end-the truth revealed itself in such a simple fashion and a fresh wave of tears crashed down her cheeks.
Entering her home, she discarded her backpack and coat before retrieved her cellphone, and through tears, she composed a message.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to come to your parents' gala. The last few weeks have demonstrated that I have a lot on my plate, and I don't think this arrangement is helping. Please don't try and contact me again-I won't respond.
After she hit send she scrolled to his contact number and hit the red block option to ensure she would avoid any temptations. Then she crawled into bed and allowed the black depression to fully take over in the form of body-wracking sobs. She imagined him with Gwen, refined and regal, a better match than she could have ever offered.
With a bitterness that extended into her bones, Rey wished she had heeded every danger sign her body had sent her since she met Ben Solo.