" I once believed love would be black and white - but it's golden.
I once believed love would be burnin' red,
but it's golden - like daylight."
February came and passed in a blurry grey haze. Rey successfully defended her dissertation proposal and celebrated with her friends. The joy of passing that first major milestone in her final journey toward graduation gave her a fleeting mood boost. Yet, after a week or so, moving through life returned to requiring every ounce of strength she possessed to appear normal to her friends before going home and collapsing. Through a flurry of days spent holding two part-time jobs while beginning her dissertation process, Rey pretended she was getting better.
In reality, the shreds of her heart remained as broken as ever, crushed under the careless boot of a man who led her on for his own ends. Luke Skywalker had been right, after all.
" He is… volatile. He hurts those who love him with little remorse afterward."
Only with a deep pain could Rey acknowledge the truth in his words, usually late at night when she couldn't sleep, resigned to staring at her ceiling and missing the open night sky.
Finn and Poe's relationship constituted perhaps the strangest thing to come from the last month. On one hand, she found it horrifying to think of her boss and best friend sleeping together even if they were both enthusiastically consenting adults. On the other, that connection ended up being useful when she admitted to Finn and Rose that things had dissolved between her and Ben.
" Dissolved ?" Finn asked with incredulity. "What are you? A packet of Alka seltzer?"
Feigning an easy disposition, Rey shrugged, "I told you guys it was never that serious."
Rose, for her part, said nothing but she kept her eyes trained on Rey's face. She likely saw more than Finn did—something hid deep in a part of Rey's heart that she wanted to bury forever and never let into the light of day again.
"Do you care to tell Dr. Dameron?" Rey asked in what she hoped came off as a nonchalant manner. "It just feels awkward to tell my boss, y'know?"
Finn had, of course, agreed to do so. While his interceding on her behalf hadn't fully kept Poe from attempting to discuss the fallout, she simply changed the subject each time he tried to bring up his friend.
And no matter how many times she told herself that the last month of her life should not wreck the small happiness she finally managed to carve out for herself, she could not ignore the aching emptiness that always found her in the late hours of nightfall.
Sometimes, when she worked at the shop or strolled in the park, she thought she caught a glimpse of his familiar onyx hair. Upon closer inspection, she always found her mind had simply been playing cruel tricks on her. Nevertheless, she dreaded seeing him again, but as she had never encountered him for most of her life since moving to the city, she hoped she could continue dodging him, perhaps for the rest of her academic career.
Rose and Finn never said his name and neither did she. To name him would be to give him that terrible power over her and she could not allow that to happen again.
Each day and night she survived through without him should have been proof-this pain would not kill her. And yet, despite having more friends than ever, the loneliness encircled her and constricted tighter and tighter.
"Rey?" Rose's gentle voice came from behind where she stood, mop in hand, in the back corner of the kitchen near the end of the day. After a full day of keeping herself together, she had snuck away from the front of the shop under the pretense of tidying up.
Trying to reign in the tears that appeared out of nowhere as she had been cleaning, Rey turned toward her friend and attempted a winning smile.
"Oh honey," Rose said, pulling the mop from her hand and tugging her into a firm hug. "I knew it was bad but not this bad."
All of the last month of pretending fell away and Rey allowed herself to cry into Rose's shoulder. She let the heaving sobs shake them both as Rose rubbed her back in a loving manner. Somehow the calming words Rose spoke into her ear just made her cry harder.
"Please don't tell Finn," Rey mumbled sometime later, as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue Rose handed her.
"Okay, honey," Rose nodded. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
And with nothing left to lose, Rey told her everything. She told her about the arrangement. About the party and the kiss and choosing to run toward danger. She told her about his family and the different portraits they each painted of Ben. She told her about the late-night messages. She told her about the library and pizza and hugs in the cold January air. She told her about Gwen and the cutting cruelty of being told she was nothing compared to Dr. Ben Solo. She even told her about Kylo Ren, trying to swallow the tears as they threatened to obscure her vision once more.
"Jesus Christ," Rose exhaled after Rey finished speaking. "What an absolute bastard. I don't understand how anyone could be so- so- so cruel! "
Rey hiccupped, "I don't know what to think anymore, Rose. He was so… kind… to me but I think deep down I knew it was all becoming too good to be true."
Huffing in response, Rose added, "Rey. He led you on, and I know you can't see it right now, but he will never deserve someone as good and loving as you. Your heart wanted to believe he wasn't just a bitter asshole but I promise, this is on him ."
The vehemence in Rose's tone took Rey by surprise for a moment. She ultimately nodded before she admitted, "I just don't know how to… move on."
Rose went back to rubbing her arm and gave her a compassionate smile, "Time, honey. It will just take time."
.:.
INTERLUDE
The start of spring break in March offered an opportunity for Poe Dameron to catch up on his much-neglected pile of grading for the semester. Having Rey around to lessen the load had proven a blessing but his doctoral students still required more attention than usual. Of course, starting a new relationship didn't help combat procrastination but time with Finn was worth the trade-off of any last-minute work piling up.
His thoughts strayed to Finn then and thinking of his easy smile and dramatic personality caused a smirk to spread across Poe's face involuntarily. He really shouldn't be involved with someone 12 years his junior but the heart wants what it wants. When Finn agreed to dogsitting, the chance to interact outside of the shop and others' eyes allowed an organic infatuation to grow into something intense and mutual.
Another benefit of spring break meant hunting down Ben Solo, who had been studiously avoiding his friend for the last month. While he only had patchy information from Finn, everything pointed to Ben fucking things up again . Rey, though she obviously thought she could fool everyone, spent most of her time being quiet and withdrawn. If she was handling whatever had transpired so poorly, he couldn't imagine the state Ben must be in as he had isolated himself from the world.
Poe sent Ben a message feigning that he would be out of town for most of the break. While subterfuge might not be the classiest option, hopefully, Ben would take the bait and Poe could manage to corner him either on campus or at his condo.
Checking his wristwatch, Poe decided perhaps his work could wait-Ben would likely be in his office by the time he could reach the science building. Grabbing his jacket from his desk chair, Poe set his course with determination. He was many things, and stubborn probably came in high on that list, which would be extremely beneficial, much to Ben's likely chagrin.
He hit the fifth-floor corridor in record time. By the time his feet had carried him halfway down the hall, he could tell Ben's door stood ajar. Success . Strolling casually, he began to whistle softly, certain if his friend could hear him, he'd know immediately who currently shuffled closer and closer to his office.
Sure enough, Poe peered around the threshold with a grin and found Ben looking as if he had just swallowed a lemon.
"Hey, buddy," Poe smiled easily. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were avoiding me."
"Poe, I thought you were going out of town this week," Ben answered, voice laden with sarcasm.
"Well, maybe I lied," Poe shrugged.
Ben pulled the glasses from his face and pinched the bridge of his long nose in exasperation. Taking in his friend's disposition, Poe noticed that Ben, just as he feared, looked like total shit. His eyes bore heavy bags and his skin appeared paler than ever.
"I gotta say," Poe sighed as he moved into the room. "I am happy to see that you look just as bad as Rey."
"Do not," Ben seethed. "Do not say her name in my presence."
Poe stopped in his tracks and stared at his friend, "Well, you did break her heart, bud. You gotta face that at some point."
" What ?" Ben spat back with malice. "She ended things with me ."
Taking a seat on the soft leather couch across from Ben's desk, Poe scrunched his eyebrows trying to make everything line up in a pattern that made sense. Ben's shoulders slumped over his desk and Poe, who had seen this man at many low points in the past, couldn't recall seeing him this defeated ever before.
"What changed?" Poe asked, his professorial manner taking over. "Something obviously changed. That girl was head over heels for you. Finn told me he and Rose were worried that she was in a little too deep."
"Finn?" Ben shot back with incredulity.
"Oh, right," Poe retorted. "You haven't been around lately because you're a shitty friend. Finn and I are official. It's on Facebook and everything."
Ben scoffed, "Who uses Facebook anymore?"
"You're not going to distract me from getting to the bottom of this, Ben," Poe warned. "As I see it, you're both totally fucking miserable for no reason. Time to come clean and tell me what the hell is going on."
Sighing, Ben leaned back in his chair and evaluated his friend for a long moment. When he began speaking, Poe let him talk uninterrupted for nearly half an hour. Ben admitted to the fake dating scheme; to falling for Rey without meaning to; to not knowing how to say goodbye to her but not expressing his true feelings; to working his way up to asking her on a real date.
"Everything was going according to plan," Ben muttered. "Then Phasma showed up."
Poe's jaw dropped open, "What?! For Christ's sake, I thought you two ended things years ago."
Ben shot a guilty expression to his friend, "We did. I contacted her in January."
"Why the fuck would you do that?!" Poe nearly shouted.
"Because I wanted to buy the rights to my book back from the First Order. Signing on with them was my first of many mistakes," He rubbed his eyes with despair. "She showed up in my office, and Rey must've seen her because I found a coffee cup on my bookcase when I returned from getting lunch."
"Jesus Christ, dude," Poe whistled. "What a mess."
Ben nodded, "Gwen wouldn't tell me what happened other than Rey stopping by. The next thing I know, I receive a text from Rey telling me not to contact her anymore. Of course, I was pissed that Gwen showed up at my job when an email would have sufficed."
Taking all of this new information in, Poe reclined back on the couch and hummed to himself, lining up the course of events from both perspectives. He studied Ben with a wary irritation at how much of an idiot his oldest friend could be.
"And why didn't you try to set things straight?" Poe asked, fixing Ben with a hard stare.
Scoffing, Ben stood to pace around his office in agitation, "She told me not to contact her, Poe. What was I supposed to do?"
"No offense," Poe started. "No, actually, full offense… you're a fucking idiot, dude."
If looks could kill, the subsequent glare Ben shot at his friend would've put him six feet under in a matter of seconds.
"When you find a girl as great as Rey, you fight like hell for her." Poe continued, standing to face his friend. " Especially when she was willing to let your stupid commitment-phobic ass string her along!"
Ben raised his voice in response, "And you would know so much about committing."
"Hell, I know that when you find someone that makes you feel the way she did, whatever pain may await is worth it, dude!" Poe shouted back. "You don't think this shit with Finn freaks me out every single day ? That I don't worry one day he will wake up and realize I'm too old for him? Too boring? Too stubborn? But he makes me happy now , so I'm willing to risk it."
The fight seemed to fade out of Ben as fast as his anger had come into his eyes and he sagged again in misery.
"What am I supposed to do?" He asked, his dark eyes lost in pain as he turned them to his friend. "How do I make this better?"
Poe thought for a long moment, "You need to make yourself worthy of someone like Rey. That won't happen without winning her friendship back. You might want to start there."
As he nodded, Ben added, "You're a good friend, Dameron."
"Yeah, well," Poe responded, "I'm really fucking tired of seeing a student as bright as Rey so defeated. You've been enormously stupid but I still think you could be good for each other. But no more leading her on, okay? When the time comes, you better open that big old soft heart you have to her, no matter how afraid you feel."
Ben had returned to his seat and muttered, "Fucking bleeding hearts."
"And proud of it," Poe smirked. "Now come with me. Let's get some lunch and strategize for Operation Win Rey Back."
.:.
Rey enjoyed the weather of mid-March, relishing in the first semi-warm days since the previous fall. Rose had been right, as more time passed, she found herself coming to peace with the rollercoaster of December and January. While the memories of Ben Solo still cut her, the wounds healed over quicker than they had even a month before.
For the first time in weeks, she had an entire day off ahead of her. She planned to enjoy every moment of her treasured free time, beginning with a walk around the park to usher in the start of spring. In strolling along the familiar path she spotted the signs of new flower buds pushing through the soil. Birds sang overhead as she wound around the lake. Luckily, the earliness of the day meant she met few other bystanders.
She walked at a slow pace, appreciating the sounds of nature waking up following months of slumber. After all, Rey felt she could relate to their rejoicing in the shedding of winter. The familiar sight of street vendors setting up for the day and local students cutting through the park to get to campus helped cheer her spirits as she pushed further along her course.
In retrospect, she should've known not to come back to that spot where, not even three months prior, she had set in motion a series of events that would lead to the pain she still carried around with her.
The man sitting on her bench was unmistakably Ben Solo. Wishing he perhaps appeared as a figment of her imagination, her hopes dashed to pieces when he turned to watch her approach. After months, she still relished in studying his face. She noticed that his features bore signs of exhaustion. Tracing the tired lines on the edges of his temples and the bags suspended from his eyes, she worked to push back any sympathy or concern.
Turning to retreat, she heard him utter a plea, "Rey, please, don't leave."
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't," She said, not bothering to face him.
He sighed, "Because I came to apologize to you."
"Little late for that, don't you think?" Rey's voice began to wobble and she cursed herself for exposing any level of her pain to someone so undeserving of witnessing her grief.
"Yes," Ben replied quietly. "I tried to honor your wish… I left you alone. I see now that was the wrong course of action."
Against the urging of her brain, she felt her feet turning her back to face him, where she bore witness to his agony and grief. Never had she seen Ben look so torn apart with pain, his neutral expression replaced with a mask of hurt.
"Why?" She demanded.
"Because that's not what a good friend does," He responded, standing swiftly to approach her. She remained still in defiance of his presence and he added, "Rey. I fucked a lot of things up. I don't know if you could ever forgive me, but I would like to try and earn your friendship."
Her head spun at this turn of events. She felt the tears she thought she had mastered returning to her eyes. Clearing her throat and lifting her chin, she responded, "Did you ever actually care about me?"
"Yes," Ben breathed. "Of course I did. I told you once… I am many things but never a liar."
She studied his eyes and found no trace of deception, only oceans of dark sadness. Her heart yearned for her to reach out to him but her head knew better. She shook her head vaguely and took a step backward.
"You don't get to do this ," She hissed, fighting back the hot tears stinging her eyes. "You don't get to turn up months later, asking for my forgiveness."
Nodding, Ben cast his gaze toward the ground, "I don't expect you to forgive me here and now. I'm just asking for a chance… to be your friend. Losing your friendship these last few months… it's tearing me apart."
Again, her eyes swept his face searching for the truth in his words. She saw his eyes glistening, as if with tears of his own, but perhaps that had only been a trick of the sunlight.
"I need to think about it," She responded after a protracted stretch of silence. Seeing a flicker of hope spark in his expression, she added, "This time… No secrets, got it?"
"You know all of mine already," He replied, offering an imploring gaze. "I'd gladly tell you anything else you wish to know. Consider me an open book."
His kindness, so soon after the heartbreak she had sustained, cut her to the bone. Recognizing the onset of a new bout of tears about to fall, she turned from him hastily and muttered over her shoulder, "I'll see you around, Ben."
Stumbling home, Rey evened her breathing. After mastering her anguish, she tried to evaluate Ben's words with detached objectivity. She wanted so thoroughly to believe him but the protective walls she had relied on for her entire life kept forgiveness from fully leaking through.
As she readied for sleep that night, she pulled her phone out, and scrolling to his number, she clicked through to the red unblock option. Hesitating with her finger over the option, she felt those walls falter for the fraction of a second it took for her to click.
The following week, she made her way back toward her bench, attempting not to think of Ben Solo, lest she hope to find him there. He had given her space and not tried to contact her in between their last meeting and the present time, which she appreciated. Finn told her via Poe that Ben wanted things to be on her terms for a change. While the sentiment might be admirable, all she felt was more confused than ever.
Naturally, she discovered him on her bench, two cups of coffee placed precariously on the armrest. He glanced up from the book laying open in his lap as her feet approached where he sat.
"I didn't know if you'd come," He admitted. "I brought two cups in case you did."
He handed her one of the cups and she sat next to him in silence. He returned his gaze to his book and she allowed herself to relax into the moment. As she sipped from the still-warm cup, she watched two small children do cartwheels in the grass under a bright beam of sunlight.
"My defense went well," She finally said out loud.
"Poe told me," He responded gently. "I'm not surprised, though."
"Yeah, well, it was great until I realized now I have to write the actual dissertation," She mumbled, still clutching to the coffee cup and feeling like a child clinging to a ragdoll for security.
Closing his book, he turned toward her with a gentle and reassuring smile, "It will fly by."
At that moment, Rey knew she had already forgiven him. Perhaps he knew it, too, because he lifted his own cup to his lips with a small smile lining his features. She marveled at the difference in this man from the one she had met back in December. His face no longer held a tortured sadness, as sunlight exposed the soft contentment he carried with him.
When she stood to leave a few moments later, he did not follow suit, which she appreciated.
"See you around," He echoed back to her, reopening his book and returning to where he had left off.
"Hey, Ben?" She spoke, capturing his attention once more. "I might be walking here on Sunday, and all that walking might make me hungry."
He did not show his grin to her in full but she saw it as he nodded from behind where he had lifted his book to better catch the sunlight on the page. Contented with her olive branch, Rey continued her walk back out of the park to get ready for her next shift.
When Sunday morning came, Rey found herself up well before dawn. Unable to curb her restless energy at home, she chose to pull on her clothes and boots. She knew the nervousness stemmed from knowing she would see Ben again. While she still held her emotions for him at arm's length, she could not wholly suppress them.
Sunrise crept over the sky as she walked her usual path, thankful for the unseasonable warmth near the end of March. Various joggers were out, along with the trashmen and a few early morning shopkeepers.
The disappointment at finding their bench empty hit her square between the shoulder blades. Of course, the sun had barely risen when she took her seat, watching with interest as the surrounding world woke up around her.
"Rey!" She looked around to find him after about 10 minutes of waiting.
Flushed and wearing black sweatpants and a long sleeve slick black running shirt, his hairline was covered in sweat and the redness in his cheeks brought new life into his features.
"I didn't think you'd be here so early," He said as he approached where she sat.
"Did you run here?" She asked the stupid question before she could stop herself.
"I often run in the morning," He panted slightly. She tried not to linger on the very defined insight into his upper body that the skin-tight shirt was displaying to her. "I thought I would have time to get home before I met you for breakfast."
She laughed, "I always seem to wreck your plans."
Offering her a smile in return, he said, "Would you like to walk with me? I can make us breakfast at my place. It's only about a 15-minute walk from here."
Suddenly, she felt like she was back on the cliff's edge again, facing down a dangerous path certain to end in disaster. When she glanced back at his face; however, she discovered nothing but a kind and unassuming warmth.
"Okay," She agreed, standing from her spot and falling into step alongside him.
Still trying to avoid the sensation of seeing his sweaty complexion and too-revealing sweatpants, she trained her eyes on the path ahead of them. They strolled in comfortable silence, watching as the city came to life.
"My condo is in that building," He pointed at a tall steel structure on the horizon.
Rey laughed, "That's a lot of room to store a coffin in."
"Well, I needed the space for all the bodies," He shrugged back with a wink, causing her heart to return to the loud rhythmic pounding she associated with exclusively him. "Plus Poe used to crash on my couch all the time before he found a permanent place here."
"Yeah, that seems about right for Dr. Dameron," She responded. "I still can't believe he and Finn are a thing."
She tried to hide her shudder of horror but he caught sight of it and let out a loud and genuine laugh. This display of spontaneous pleasure made her want to bottle that sound and replay it anytime she felt sad.
"I mean, I'm happy for them but it's so… weird ," She continued. "Finn's been in love with him forever but I never thought it was mutual!"
Ben hummed in ascent, "Well, Poe is unpredictable like that. I had a feeling something was different when he stopped getting coffee with me and switched to your shop."
Staring back with her jaw open, Rey forced herself to respond after a moment of incredulity, "He's had a thing for Finn for that long?"
Ben shrugged, "It makes sense, doesn't it? Poe's not great with romance, despite being a hopeless romantic for his entire life. I started to think he might never make a move."
The conversation had carried them to the lobby of Ben's building and he swiped his key card for entry. As they climbed into the elevator, she mulled over this new piece of information with interest.
"I feel better about it knowing that," Rey admitted after a moment. "I was a little worried Dr. Dameron might not be the commitment type."
"Unfortunately, Poe is always in it for the long-haul," Ben replied as they stepped off the elevator and turned down the hall leading to his condo.
He pushed the grey door open and Rey found herself overwhelmed with intrusive curiosity. She trailed him through the entryway, absorbing as much as she could of the living space. Unsurprisingly, black comprised the most dominating color in both the living room and kitchen area.
Large bookshelves covered the walls, and Rey fought back the urge to go and examine each and every title on display. Instead, she turned to where he stood in the kitchen, tugging ingredients from the fridge. She watched as he lined everything up precisely on the dark countertop.
"Hope you like eggs and bacon," He said, lifting a skillet from under his cabinet.
"I like any food I don't have to make for myself," She replied easily and slid onto one of the high stools lining the bartop connected to the island where he set about preparing the food.
"Fair enough," He grinned again. "In that case, feel free to check out my books. I know it's killing you not to."
Rolling her eyes, she stood again, leaving him to finish making their breakfast in peace as she searched his collection. Organized by subject, Ben's cases contained everything from natural sciences to biographies to poetry. In the middle of one of the shelves, she saw a first edition copy of Knights of Ren alongside a framed photo of him with Luke.
"That was the day I found out I was a best-selling author," Ben's voice startled her from how close he stood. "It was a good day."
She turned to him, "What happened… between you and Luke?"
Handing her a plate, Ben motioned for her to join him back at the bar to eat their breakfast. Once they had settled into the meal, he responded carefully, "After the success of my first novel, Luke pushed me to write a second. I had never planned on writing the first, so I certainly didn't intend to complete a sequel. But I agreed, mostly because I wanted to please him. A few years passed and sales were down at his company. He begged me to let him begin promoting a sequel for some good press. I refused because I hadn't written a word and, at that point, I didn't think I ever would."
Rey listened to his words intently between bites of her breakfast as he continued, "He… well, he didn't take it too well. He said things he couldn't take back. I said things I couldn't take back. Years of trying to prove myself worthy to my family just exploded. I cut off all contact with him and my parents. I sold my sequel to First Order Publishing out of spite."
Satisfied to finally have the truth from him, Rey observed, "And they just let you go?"
Ben shrugged, and after he swallowed a bite he added, "Pretty much. Which only made me feel worse."
Understanding cascaded down upon Rey. No one had ever fought for Ben Solo. Not his uncle. Not his family. And she realized, not even herself. Reaching out to place her palm over his left hand, she gripped his fingers tightly.
"You deserved better," She said gently. "But your worth never depended on them."
He did not remove his fingers from underneath hers, "My pride got in the way."
Returning to her plate, she nodded, "Well, I think we're all guilty of that from time to time."
Before she could notice, most of the morning had passed, spent discussing books and helping clean his kitchen. They were in a heated discussion about Catholic symbolism in fantasy as a genre when her phone vibrated. In checking it, she was stunned to see the time was well past noon.
"Shit," She looked up apologetically. "I forgot I promised to cover for Kaydel today."
He smiled, "No problem. I should probably shower and do some grading."
As she gathered her things and prepared to leave, she teased, "Try to leave at least one encouraging comment today."
He walked her to the door and said smoothly, "No promises. See you later."
March bled into April and she found herself spending more and more time with Ben Solo, much to Rose's horror. She knew Rose's concern sprang from a genuine place and Rey loved her for that. Luckily, Finn seemed to be in Rey's corner, likely thanks to his boyfriend's urging. Rey's gratitude at having Finn buffer some of Rose's caustic edges could never be fully expressed.
Some days, Ben would show up to walk her from campus to the shop. On other occasions, he would meet her before daylight at their bench after his jogs to accompany her to campus. One Sunday, they visited the first farmer's market of the season held in one of the university's parking lots. She learned a lot about Ben Solo in those moments. Gone was the once sullen and gloomy man around others. He had been replaced by an affable and generous person, willing to talk to strangers and barter in a variety of languages for Rey's favorite fruits.
As if a long night ended and revealed dazzling sunlight, Rey realized in a startling moment as she watched Ben struggle to use chopsticks at a shared lunch on her birthday, that the man she felt she had loved before had never actually been the real Ben Solo. The thought struck her to her core and her hunger vanished with the comprehension of her emotions.
"Hey, I wanted to give you this to review," He said, distracting her from her epiphany as he collected the boxes of takeout from his counter. He then pushed a thick stack of papers toward her.
She glanced down at the cover page and gasped, "You finished it?"
"Well, I finished the first draft," He shrugged. "I wanted to give it to you to read and give notes."
Stunned at what she held in her hands, she asked, "Why me?"
"Because you loved the first book, so you won't bullshit me and…" He paused before making up his mind to proceed. "And because you're my best friend. I'd want you to read it even if you didn't know my pen name. Just… promise you'll wait till you get home. I could never live with myself if you got hit by a bus because you were too busy reading this to pay attention during your walk home."
Nodding in amazement, she grinned up to him, "This is the best birthday present ever."
"I hoped you'd think so," He laughed. "Have fun at your party tonight."
"What party?" She blinked and he let out a curse. "Poe didn't tell me what I was invited to was a surprise party."
She blanched, "I hate surprises. I'm gonna kill Finn and Rose. Thanks for the heads up. Guess I better go home and get ready. I know someone's gonna post my picture on social media tonight."
Tucking his manuscript carefully in her backpack, she walked to the door, sad to leave their shared space and return to the real world. He followed her, catching the door after she pulled it open. He stared down at her with such tenderness that she almost abandoned all her senses and gave into the desire throbbing in her chest.
Instead, he said, "Happy birthday, Rey. See you tomorrow. I'll be the one in black."
Laughing as she left, she replied, "I'm counting on it."
She strolled home, glad to know when she went to meet Rose and Finn at the shop that evening it would be for a surprise party. She supposed she could forgive her friends for going against her party wishes. In entering her apartment, she placed her backpack in its usual place. Fretting about what she should wear to her party, she forgot about the manuscript until well after she had gotten ready.
Discovering the thick volume of pages when she was searching for her spare phone charger, she pulled the draft out carefully, as if the paper might spontaneously combust underneath her fingertips. She sat on her sofa, turning the first few pages until the sight of her own name stopped her.
Dedicated to Rey
for inspiring me to join the light side
Her heart constricted and broke open as she read the words he had obviously chosen with the care of knowing only she could fully understand their meaning. Happiness bubbled within her and spilled over in the joyful tears lining her eyelashes.
Knowing she needed to leave for the party, she sat the manuscript in a safe place and tried to fix her makeup as best she could. The imprint of his dedication page stayed in her mind as she hustled toward the shop, seeing a large group of people congregated inside. She grinned and pushed the door open to find Finn and Rose leading the group in a shout of "Happy Birthday!"
"You know I hate surprises," Rey laughed, coming toward her friends and seeing Dr. Dameron at Finn's left.
"Which is why Finn had me tell Ben because we knew he'd tell you," Her boss winked back. "And don't you look beautiful."
Rey pulled each of them into a hug, "Finn… Rose… Poe," she ignored the latter's fist pump of victory. "Thank you. I don't know what I did to deserve friends as great as you all but… this has been the best day."
"We love you, honey," Rose smiled. "Now come get some cake before Beau eats it all."
Later that evening she found Finn, slightly tipsy, swaying in the corner as Poe chatted animatedly with Kaydel about whatever animal control issue her landlady was confronting this week. Sliding next to him, Rey wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him close.
"I wish Ben was here," She admitted. "That would make it a perfect party."
Finn gave her a sloppy grin, "You really love him, don't you, pumpkin?"
The last three weeks played through her mind at his words. Jane Austen had put it best when she observed that lovers were often in the middle before they realized what had begun. She thought of Ben and found nothing but a deep and warm love in her heart.
"Yeah, I really think I do," She whispered back.
They were disrupted when Rose came over, insisting they dance with her and Paige in the middle of the shop. Rey took her hands and allowed the joy of that evening to envelop her. In watching her friends sing 'Happy Birthday' offkey, she knew she would always remember this as one of the happiest days of her entire life.
When she got home, she picked up the manuscript again and began to read in earnest. She fell asleep still clutching the volume in her hands, dreaming of Ben Solo and two twin suns dipping below a dark skyline.
The following morning Rey once again rose before the sun, too giddy with nerves to go back to sleep. Instead, she fumbled to pull on her clothes and comb her hair back before brushing her teeth with clumsy fingers. She knew this day would bring with it a shift-for better or worse-but she couldn't keep her feelings a secret for even just for 24 more hours.
Her path to the park was as empty as usual but she felt grateful to have no distractions from the dialogue running through her mind. Daylight had barely begun to peak from over the horizon when she reached the bench where so much had changed. The mists of spring hovered above the sidewalk's edge and after only a few moments of waiting, she caught sight of him emerging from the fog at an easy pace.
He came upon her, hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans before sliding down next to her with a guarded expression on his face. Rey couldn't help herself from beaming back up at him.
"I've been thinking… I never asked you," He said after a moment. "Why did you tell me to never contact you again?"
Rey felt her happiness take a hit but she responded, "I met Gwen."
"She does have that effect on people," He replied noting her bitter tone. "I don't know what she said to you-"
Rey sucked in a breath between her teeth, "She told me about… your relationship. She warned me not to be disappointed when you dropped someone who was, well, nothing in comparison to you."
The only clue to his anger came in the form of his curled fist but after a moment he relaxed his hand and reached over to cup her face in his large palm.
"Perhaps she thinks you're nothing… but you're not to me," He said with a fierce tenderness in his eyes. "Gwen and I dated years ago. It was one of my mistakes but that's long behind me. I only asked her there to discuss purchasing my book rights."
Rey felt tears on the edges of her eyes again and she let out a laugh, "We really fucked things up, didn't we?"
Jointing in her quiet laughter, he gazed down as he cradled her face between his hands, he added, "You have such beautiful eyes. If only I had just told you after our Christmas encounter..."
"Told me what?" She asked, placing her own hands on his wrist, relishing in the warmth of his touch.
His eyes searched hers and he smirked, "You're telling me you haven't figured it out yet?"
When she shook her head in response he continued, "It was like I woke up after years and years of sleepwalking through life. When you extended your hand to me, I was wholly yours. I never wanted to look at anything else but your face. And I don't know if I will ever deserve you, but I think I've been in love with you since that night."
The tears slipped from her eyes and trickled down to his fingers but he didn't move. Pinks and oranges stained the skyline as Rey stared up at him, her heart more full than she might have once believed possible.
"I've loved you since you kissed me on a balcony at midnight," Rey whispered back.
He smiled, "And I realized I loved you when I had to carry you to bed afterward. I think Poe knew then, too, because he figured out I asked him to the party to make you feel more comfortable."
Rey moved her face closer to his, "You know, I think you might be a hopeless romantic, after all."
Instead of replying, Ben leaned down to press his mouth against hers, transporting them back to a time and place where only they existed. She breathed him in and wove her fingers into his soft hair as his lips moved in sync with her own. When they broke apart, each was panting and giddy with happiness.
"Do you still find me barely tolerable and not remotely interesting?" She smirked up at him.
He rolled his eyes before responding, "Only in that I could barely tolerate only having you in a platonic sense from this moment forward."
She knitted her fingers through his and pulled him gently off the bench, "Well, that's an arrangement that I can live with."
They began the walk toward his apartment, where she intended to get far more than just breakfast. The sunlight caused the mist to evaporate as they strolled, hand-in-hand, through the wide city streets.
"Oh, I wanted to ask you," Ben smiled down at her as they entered his building. "My parent's gala is at the end of this month. Will you come with me?"
"Like… a date?" Rey teased back.
"As my girlfriend," He clarified as they stepped into the elevator.
"Oh, in that case," Rey smirked, standing on her tip-toes to kiss him again. "I'd love to."
FIN.