What If

"It's good to be home." Sean nodded, getting into their house after arriving back in New York. He was holding sleeping two-year-old Leela whilst Jude was carrying Mirren.

"Mommy, I wanna see Rex." Mirren looked at Jude.

"Ok, but just for a few minutes because it's really late, and it's time for bed." Jude nodded to her. Their flight was late at night, which meant putting the girls to bed right away when they got home.

"I'm gonna take her up." Sean nodded to Leela in his arms.

"Ok." Jude said.

"Leave the bags in the car. I'll get them later." Sean said as she nodded, watching him head upstairs whilst she put Mirren down on the ground.

"Will he be awake?" Mirren whispered, taking Jude's hand and walking into their living room where Jude put the light on and headed on over to the corner where the vivarium was that Rex stayed in, "He's awake." Mirren smiled, running over and standing as close as possible.

"I bet he missed you." Jude smiled, looking on at their reptile friend sitting on one of his rocks, staring in a trance like he spent most of the hours of the day.

"Rex, did you miss me?" Mirren asked as Jude smiled, "Can I give him some food?" She turned to Jude.

"He's already been fed, baby." Jude said, running her hand through Mirren's hair.

"Just a little bit." Mirren said as Jude nodded.

"Alright." Jude said, walking into the kitchen, grabbing some kale from the pack, walking back into the living room and handing it to Mirren who reached up on her tippy toes to drop it into Rex's home.

"There." Mirren smiled happily, "Look, Rex." She told him.

"He'll find it eventually." Jude said, "It's probably his bedtime, too. Just like it is yours." Jude nodded to her.

"Oh." Mirren said, "Goodnight." She told him whilst Jude watched Sean come back into the living room.

"Let's get you to bed." Sean nodded as Mirren ran over to him.

"Daddy, carry me I'm too tired. I can't walk anymore." Mirren told him as Sean chuckled.

"Why am I not surprised?" Sean nodded, picking her up into his arms and heading upstairs to put her to sleep.

Jude smiled as she watched them, smile fading once they disappeared and she was alone in the living room. She turned to Rex, smiling as she watched him find the kale, munching on it whilst continuing to stare into nothing.

"How you been, little guy?" Jude smiled, "I bet you enjoyed the peace and quiet for a little while, huh?" She asked, taking her jacket off and walking into the kitchen.

She opened up some junk mail, closed the drapes in the kitchen and switched the kettle on, standing watching it boil. It was safe to say she had a lot on her mind that she simply could not shake off.

"Piece of cake when they're both exhausted." Sean said, walking into the kitchen, looking over at Jude who seemed to be in a trance, "Jude." He said.

"Huh?" She turned to him, "Are they ok?" She asked.

"Yeah, they're good." He nodded, "Are you ok?" He asked her, "You don't normally sleep on flights." He said.

"I was just… resting my eyes." She said, "It was a long week."

"Yeah." Sean agreed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Home sweet home." He smiled, enjoying being back in their home comfort, "You wanna go to bed?" He asked, walking over to her, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

She felt him kiss her neck, and although it was a good feeling, a feeling that made her knees weak and her stomach jump, her mind was a dangerous place right now, looking for any way out, any relief, any answer that she'd tried so hard to accept not getting.

"Yeah." Jude turned around, looking up at him, "Let's go to bed." She nodded, almost robotically.

He watched her as she walked past him, making her way through the living room and going upstairs as Sean raised his eyebrows. He followed her of course, turning the lights out and locking up their front door, heading upstairs and walking into their bedroom where he saw his wife already naked and in bed.

"Damn, ok. Give me a second." Sean chuckled, closing their door over and taking his shirt off as Jude lay on her back, looking up at the ceiling, adjusting herself to the right, and then moving back to the left a little, "What are you doing?" Sean laughed a little, pushing his pants down.

"Nothing, come on." She leaned up on her elbows, forcing a smile over to him as he climbed over her, kissing her passionately as she pushed his boxers down with her feet, using her hand to stroke him up and down between them.

He kissed down her neck as she reached over to the night stand where she had looked something out, bringing it over as Sean lifted his head from her neck.

"What are you doing with that?" Sean laughed a little.

"Tie this hand to the bed." Jude told him, holding one of his ties from his closet as he raised a brow.

"What?" Sean shook his head as she nodded, "Ok." He smiled a little, tying the tie around one of her wrists, tying it to the bed post, "You good?" He asked her as she nodded.

"Yeah." Jude gulped as he watched her. Something about her seemed off. Her instructions were almost like she was doing one of her art projects and he was standing by to help. It wasn't a Jude he was familiar with, but he took it as her being eager.

He kissed her neck again, kissing down her body and disappearing down between her legs as Jude closed her eyes, panting a little at what was such a beautiful feeling.

"It's ok… just do it." Jude told him as he looked up.

He moved back up her body, slipping himself inside of her as she rolled her head back.

"Fuck." Sean moaned, kissing her neck as Jude looked up at the ceiling.

"Dig your hands into my sides." Jude said as Sean looked at her, "Do it." She smiled, kissing him, trying to convince him and assure him as he kissed back, running his hands down her torso, digging his hands in as much as he let himself. He would never hurt her, and she knew that, "Harder." She told him as he dug a little harder.

"Try my thighs." She told him as he looked at her with confusion.

"What?" He shook his head, trying to get lost in her but not being able to with the way she was acting.

"What?" Jude shook her head, "Grab me." She nodded, kissing his throat, "Grab my thighs." She said as Sean felt her roll her hips up, pushing herself forward and back against his length.

He took hold of her thighs, thrusting into her at a steady pace as Jude looked up at the ceiling, "Grab harder." Jude told him, "And fuck me harder." She told him as he obliged, watching her as she shut her eyes tightly. The look on her face wasn't one of pleasure or enjoyment, it was concentration, like she was trying to be elsewhere in her head, "The inside of my thighs." Jude told him as he paused. He suddenly realised what she was doing.

"Jude, what the hell?" He immediately back off, quickly untying her hand from the bed post, "Jesus Christ." He got off the bed, putting his boxer shorts on.

"What?" Jude sat up with confusion.

"W-What… tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing." He looked at her, "Seriously?"

"Sean." Jude shook her head.

"No, what the hell? Are you… are you trying to create what happened to you with me?" He looked at her with confusion, "Your husband?"

"N-No… no, it's not like that." Jude shook her head.

"Don't fucking do that to me." Sean said, feeling extremely uncomfortable, "Why would you want to do that? Seriously?"

"I wasn't… I just…" Jude looked over at him, realising she'd probably put him in an odd position, "I just…" She took a deep sigh, "I can't stand not knowing what happened. I can't." She cried as he looked over at her, "At least if I had the memory I could… I could come to terms with what happened that night and be done with it but it's… it's not knowing." She shook her head as Sean looked over at her, running his hand through his hair.

"So what… you thought you'd try and trigger yourself?" Sean sighed.

"I've… read about it online. If there is certain things you can remember, you can use that to try and further the memory." Jude nodded, "It's uselessly hopeless for victims who were drugged but-"

"Jude, I am not… we are not doing this." Sean shook his head. He couldn't. He couldn't think of anything worse.

"I'm sorry, I just… I just wish I knew." Jude sighed, pulling the sheets to her body, tears running down her face, "I can't see it but I can… I can feel it sometimes. I just wish I knew what happened. Why can't I?" She cried as Sean sighed, walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"This isn't the way to do that." Sean shook his head, taking her hand.

"I'm sorry." Jude sobbed, "It could never work anyway cause you just… you make me feel so safe." She shook her head, drying her tears.

"I never want you to feel any of that pain when we're… together." Sean said, "Please, don't torture yourself. You're so strong and brave, and I know that it's unfair that what happened to you was out of your control, to the point where you can't really even remember what happened." Sean said, "And I wish I could do something to help, I'd do anything I could… but please, not this." He shook his head as she nodded.

"I just wish it would leave me alone." Jude cried, shuffling over into his arms as he wrapped his arms around her.

"You've faced the hardest parts of it all. And I'm here for you for the bad days, the days you feel it a little heavier on you." He reminded her.

"I don't think Jackson acted alone." Jude looked at him, "Cassie told me that… Vincent might have been involved in some way. That he knew what was going to happen, and that he was always on Rio's side until the very end." She said as Sean looked at her.

"W-What?" Sean shook his head, "Vincent… the guy who was your dad's friend?"

"I don't think they were ever really friends but… my mom and dad sure thought he was an ally during all of that, I guess." Jude said, "But it was… it was his house."

"Was he questioned at the time?" Sean asked as Jude nodded.

"Yeah." Jude said, "Cassie said that… Mark told her. Apparently he was working with Vincent at the dealership." She shook her head as Sean nodded slowly, "What if… What if he was there?" Jude cried.

"Shh." Sean shook his head, pulling her tight as she rested her head on his chest, feeling him brush his hand down the back of her head, "Whatever this is, if he had involvement, we'll find out." Sean nodded. He was mad. He was more than mad. He was sick of the trauma that followed his wife, sick of seeing her hurting and he couldn't imagine how she had to feel. It angered him to a dangerous level.