"Hermione?" Harry said, waving his hand in front of his friend's face. Having received her owl first thing this morning, Harry had kept his promise and came straight over to see her, even though his head was throbbing and his eyes stung. Dinner last night with Ron had been an interesting affair. Both he and Ginny had tried to pry information from Ron, imbibing a little too much Firewhisky in the process to try to loosen Ron's tongue. He had been very vocal about Hermione's betrayal, but when Harry had pushed for more details, knowing there had to be more to the story, Ron had turned cagey and left shortly after. The tiredness he felt could be easily cured with a hangover potion, and looking at Hermione, Harry knew she wasn't sleeping properly again.
"Sorry, Harry," Hermione yawned, her arms stretching out as she drew in a deep breath. She wasn't sure if the pregnancy was making it difficult to sleep or if it was all of her mixed-up emotions, but after the events of yesterday, she had only managed a few hours of rest. "Yes, most of what Ron told you last night is true. I'm pregnant, and no, I don't know yet if it's Ron's or Draco's. Did he tell you anything else?"
Harry sat stunned as he shook his head, still trying to process the fact that his best friend was indeed pregnant and wondering what else must be happening to make Hermione look so weary. Before he could even string his words into a coherent question, Hermione spoke again.
"Of course," Hermione scoffed, why had she even considered the thought that Ron might actually be decent enough to admit his own part in the breakdown of their marriage? As always, she was going to have to fill Harry in on the grittier parts. "Before we get into this," Hermione said slowly, watching as some of the shock left Harry's face, "do you want a drink?"
"Hermione!" Harry laughed, his mind buzzing with the knowledge that she had slept with Draco whilst also doing his best to absorb the information and not overreact, a feat that would be much easier to accomplish with a cold beer in his hand. "It's nine a.m. and you've just told me you're pregnant!" He knew he was staring at Hermione, wide-eyed in surprise, but he couldn't help it. Confirming information like this first thing in the morning ought to come with a health warning.
"Huh?" Hermione questioned before realisation dawned on her, Harry thought she was offering him alcohol. "Oh for Merlin's sake, Harry," Hermione giggled back, shoving his arm playfully. "I meant, do you want a cup of tea? Coffee?"
"Oooh," Harry replied happily, his eyes softening as he understood Hermione's offer. "Coffee, please, if you're offering. I think I'm going to need it."
Hermione returned two minutes later with their steaming drinks and sat facing Harry on the sofa. "Ready?" Hermione asked quietly, her fingers nervously tapping on the side of her mug as she looked into his brilliant green eyes.
"As I'll ever be," Harry said, focusing all his attention on her with a small smile, remembering his promise to hear her side.
Hermione sipped her peppermint tea, it's flavour helping ease her nausea, as she thought for a moment, her thumb rubbing across her bottom lip as she settled herself back into the sofa. Once she had decided where to start, she took a steadying breath before she began. "We've been having problems for a little while now. I thought a lot of it was normal, you know? We've been married for two years and people start to expect stuff from you. I've lost count of how many times Molly has asked when we're having kids. And neither of us have easy jobs, they're both so demanding. It takes a lot out of us." Hermione paused to take another sip of her tea, her hand moving to run through her hair before she continued. "For me, planning a future seemed too insignificant when we were at school with Voldemort breathing down our necks - why decide how many kids I wanted when I wasn't sure if I would live to have them? But Ron always knew he wanted a large family, it was the natural next step for him, so he struggled to understand my need for some time to establish what I really wanted."
Sighing, Hermione pulled at the sleeve of her t-shirt, scratching her forearm against her leg. Harry tracked the movement, realising she was unconsciously rubbing her scar against the fabric of her top. His heart ached as he looked at her, trying so hard to keep everything together was obviously taking its toll and he felt awful he had been missing the signs. The last time Harry had seen her so anxious was the run-up to her wedding. With so many people making their voices heard, Hermione had nearly called the whole thing off and insisted they elope.
As if she hadn't stopped, Hermione continued, looking up to the ceiling as the words tumbled from her lips. "Then the missions started getting longer and longer. Being by myself in our home, alone, really started to bother me. My old nightmares were creeping back, along with my insecurities, and when Ron would come home all he would do was talk about Olivia."
"From work?" Harry questioned curiously, thinking of all the missions Ron had been placed on with Olivia. As Aurors, the two worked dynamically together, far better than Harry and Ron ever did, so it made sense to team them up frequently. Ron was a brilliant strategist, always had been, but Olivia had the ability to hone in on potential weaknesses, coming up with dynamic solutions to ensure the safety of all those involved. Since they had been teamed up, the overall success rate within the department had increased tenfold with far fewer field injuries.
Harry watched as Hermione lips pressed into a thin line. Who Ron worked with shouldn't have affected his home life with Hermione, but evidently, it had.
"Yes, that Olivia," Hermione responded through gritted teeth, her eyes becoming hard as she spoke about her. "At first it wasn't much, just the odd story here and there about something they had done, but then it developed into more. I was feeling pretty low, something Ron didn't seem to pick up on when he came back. Whenever I tried to tell him how I was feeling, he'd spin it into how something similar had happened to Olivia and how she had handled it. I think Ron thought he was being helpful but all I could hear was him comparing us."
Hermione stopped briefly to take another sip of her tea, her mouth savouring the refreshing peppermint taste before carrying on. "Eventually I asked him to stop, I just didn't want to hear about her anymore. I wanted Ron to listen to me and help me. Maybe I was wrong to ask, I don't know."
"From what you're saying, it just sounds like you wanted him to support you," Harry reasoned, his brow furrowing in concern as he watched Hermione rub her free hand across the back of her neck. Trying to put himself in Hermione's position, Harry wondered how Ginny would react if she was asked to stop talking about a male teammate. "Have your nightmares stopped now?"
Relief swelled in Hermione's stomach. If that was what Harry was most concerned about at this point, it meant he wasn't upset with her, yet. "Yes, thank you for asking." Hermione smiled at him in reply, Harry was one of the few people Hermione could really confide in about her nightmares, knowing that he endured his own horrific flashbacks.
"No problem," Harry replied, raising his mug to Hermione in a silent salute. For the first few months after the war, they had all stayed together at Grimmauld Place, and Harry could remember all too clearly Hermione's screams from down the hall as she wrestled with her nightmares. "What happened next?"
Sighing, Hermione continued. "Nothing and everything, Harry. Ron got a bit of a break from the missions so he was home more frequently, and I started to feel a bit better. I wanted to make the most of it so I started suggesting we go out, see people, just do the stuff we enjoy. But he always had plans - with Olivia. The first few times I let it go and assumed I wasn't planning far enough in advance. Then he started fobbing off my ideas, being really vague and not turning up when he agreed to be somewhere."
"Like Percy's birthday?" Harry asked, thinking back. Molly had planned a surprise party for Percy's twenty-fifth, weeks in advance so everyone could be there, and Ron had missed it. Leaving Hermione to make his excuses when she turned up alone. When Harry had asked him about it, he had just said something came up and changed the subject. At the time Harry had let it go, knowing that Ron still struggled with understanding Percy's decisions during the war and thought nothing more of it, but now he wondered if this was one example of Ron's new behaviour.
"Exactly like Percy's birthday," Hermione answered grimly, remembering the argument they had that evening when she had returned home to find him drunkenly cooking in the kitchen. "I asked him if he'd been out with Olivia and he said yes, why did it matter? Then, whilst we were arguing, he threw Draco into the mix, as I knew he would. Why couldn't he go out with Olivia when I spent all my time with Draco? Why was it wrong for him to do it but ok for me to do it? When I tried to explain how it was different, he just wouldn't listen and kept repeating the same questions over and over."
"How was it different, Hermione?" Harry questioned somberly. He knew Hermione socialised with Draco all the time, and their strange friendship had been accepted by most people. But hearing her descriptions of Ron and Olivia's relationship, he was struggling to see the differences.
"I never put Draco before Ron," Hermione replied sadly, her lips pulling down into a frown. Her hands trembled as she placed her now cold tea on the table and drew the closest throw pillow to her chest, holding it to her like a lifeline. "When Ron's home, he is my sole focus. Sure, I see Draco at work, we occasionally have lunch, but I always try to make plans with Ron first. I'm always so careful not to mention Draco at home, it's just not worth it. I was grateful that Ron came to terms with our friendship and I think part of that was because I would never throw it in his face, but I never got the same courtesy back."
"I'm sorry," Harry said, moving closer to Hermione so he could give her a quick one-armed hug. "Whilst I'm still not sure I understand one hundred percent, I can see where you're coming from. But I think I can also see Ron's point of view - I'm not sure how I would react in his situation."
"I appreciate that Harry, I really do," Hermione continued, resting her chin on the pillow. One of the many good things about Harry was that he had learned to stop and listen instead of diving in, wand raised. Hermione knew Harry didn't really understand her friendship with Draco - right now his confusion was written all over his face. But he was here, carefully listening to what she had to say and trying his best to be there for her. It was moments like this where Harry shone.
Sitting with his arm wrapped around her shoulders, Hermione fidgeted with the sleeve of her t-shirt. Harry watched as Hermione's eyes closed briefly before opening them to continue. "It was all a bit awkward after that point. Ron and I couldn't really have a conversation without arguing, and he was spending more and more time away or out with her. For a while, I thought he was cheating on me, they just had so much time away together, alone. In the end my sleep deprived, frantic brain got the best of me and I asked him if they were sleeping together."
Hermione paused, startled by the strange sound that came from Harry's mouth, before she realised he had gasped at the same time he tried to swallow. After getting the nod from Harry, Hermione continued with a weary sigh, "Ron assured me they were just friends, nothing more than partners and I believed him, so I tried to let it go. Then, when I got my promotion and the assignment to come live here, I was ecstatic. Not that anyone knew, but I had been working so hard to earn that promotion. I rushed home to tell Ron all about it, and you know what he did?"
Harry looked at Hermione, her body rigid in his arms. There was fire in her eyes as she spoke. "He told me I had to turn it down. He'd been thinking and decided it was time for us to start a family, then he could get desk work and be home a lot more. When I said I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet, he started shouting at me how it was all my fault we were having problems and how I should be lucky he still wanted a family with me." Stopping, Hermione rubbed a stray tear from her cheek, the hurtful words Ron had spoken still stung to this day.
"Why didn't you tell me, Hermione? I could have been there for you," Harry said sadly. The thought of his best friend going through all that alone pained him. "Is that what made you decide on a separation?" Harry asked out of curiosity. Ron had told him that much but had been cagey about the circumstances. Harry mentally kicked himself for not realising something was up, he was so often stuck between Ron and Hermione he tried to avoid asking too many questions.
"I thought it would give us both a bit of space to just be ourselves for a while, you know, to miss each other. We've all been through so much together, I think sometimes I forget who I am outside of the three of us. I thought Ron was forgetting who I am and expecting me to be someone totally different." Hermione finished sadly, the tightness in her chest threatening to overwhelm her. Saying it out loud made it feel so much more real, so much more hurtful.
"We decided not to speak during the separation, give ourselves the freedom of not being husband and wife so we could be Ron and Hermione," Hermione continued as Harry looked, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion. "For me, that meant working and seeing friends I hadn't seen for a long time. I don't know one hundred percent what Ron did, but I don't want to know either."
"Ron only told us about the separation, not anything that happened before," Harry replied steadily, overwhelmed by all the information Hermione had given him. It certainly explained a lot, but it left him with one burning question he wasn't sure he wanted to ask.
"I'm not surprised," Hermione scoffed, pulling her legs closer to her body and leaning heavily into Harry, somewhat relieved he now knew.
"If you don't mind me asking, how does Draco fit into all of this?" Harry asked seriously, feeling that this was going to be the difficult bit to understand. Judging by the way a blush stole across Hermione's cheeks and down her neck, there was definitely something there.
"It just happened one night," Hermione replied, shrugging, trying to be nonchalant. The box labelled 'Draco' had remained firmly closed in Hermione's mind since their night together, just thinking about it sent a tingle down her spine. "Draco knew all about the separation. He was there for me when I needed him. One night we were just swimming in the pool, having a laugh like we usually do, when this, this energy wrapped around us." Hermione paused, her eyes glazing over slightly as her body remembered how good it felt to be pressed up against Draco, his fingertips gripping her hips, strong and sure. The feeling was so real, Hermione had to stop herself from pulling up her top and searching for the indentations he had left there that night. "It was like nothing I've ever experienced before, Harry. One minute I was splashing water in his face, the next, Draco and I were kissing. One thing led to another and we…"
"Merlin, Hermione!" Harry shouted, jostling Hermione as she rested against him when he moved to clap his hands over his ears. He knew for there to be a chance that Draco was the father, they had to have slept together. But hearing it out loud was not strictly necessary. "Too much information!"
"Sorry! Sorry!" Hermione giggled, blessing Harry for not making it awkward. "Anyway, Draco and I talked, you know, after. I said I wasn't ready to give up on Ron and me, and Draco was a perfect gentleman. He completely understood where I was coming from and promised it wouldn't get in the way of our friendship. Which it hasn't, at all. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him Harry, he's been brilliant."
Harry observed his friend carefully. Whilst he knew Draco had changed, he still wasn't sure he was the type of person to sleep with someone and let it be. Throughout their years at Hogwarts, there had never been rumours about him 'playing the field' unlike several other members of Slytherin, and, if he was ever seen with a girl, it was Parkinson. Did Draco have some kind of stronger feelings? Something that blurred the line between a friend and friendlier? Pushing that thought to the side Harry prepared himself to ask his burning question. "Do you have feelings for him, Hermione?"
Hermione squirmed. Her feelings for Draco used to be that of a friend, but in the last few months, things had changed. She didn't think of him romantically, but then, she wasn't thinking of anyone romantically. Draco didn't fit into any of her neat categories. He didn't belong in the same box as Neville and Luna, nor the Harry and Ginny box. He had his own little box. Undefinable. "I don't know, Harry. Do I enjoy his company? Yes, absolutely. We have so much in common and he understands me - even when I don't understand myself. But I don't think of him that way. We had an amazing night, sure, but I'm still married to Ron. I just don't know if Ron is the same man I fell in love with."
Knowing Hermione as well as he did, Harry could tell there was something more. Something Hermione didn't want to acknowledge to herself. Pulling her in close Harry asked, "What do you mean Hermione? What's changed?"
"I knew straight after we tried to get pregnant that I didn't really want a baby," Hermione whispered, the admission weighing heavy on her tongue as the memory of lying next to Ron as he drifted off to sleep haunted her. "It's just, such a big step, and I didn't want it. I was just agreeing to avoid the same old argument with Ron."
Hermione sniffled slightly, curling her body in closer to Harry's warmth as he clutched her tightly. It was difficult explaining her reasoning for not wanting a child. All Hermione knew was, in the aftermath, a deep-seated feeling of wrongness settled into her bones. "I mean, I always assumed when Ron and I would have children, we'd both be so excited - enjoying the time we spent trying, knowing we wanted to bring a life into the world, a little bit of him a little bit of me…" Hermione trailed off, her heart beating out of rhythm as the familiar feeling of frustration settled inside her again. Why could she not be that girl who got all mushy at the thought of bearing her husband's children? "But I didn't get that feeling," she admitted sadly.
"Did you tell Ron?" Harry questioned, his voice soft as Hermione tucked her head under his chin.
"I was going to," Hermione admitted, her fingers pulling at the sleeves of her t-shirt, stretching the fabric out and letting it spring back into place. "I knew I couldn't carry on trying, feeling the way I did. But then Ron was away again and I had that work scan...everything kind of fell apart from there."
Harry sat quietly for a moment, digesting Hermione's words when he recalled her absence a couple of weeks back from one of his meetings. At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it, but now he wondered if that was the day she found out. Gods, Harry thought to himself, if I had paid more attention I could have been there for her. I should have known something was up when she skipped the meeting.
"After everything, I just wanted Ron to be there for me when I told him about the pregnancy. It's so scary knowing I'm pregnant and I…" Hermione began, her voice shaking a little as she spoke. "I was so scared of telling him, especially because I'd have to tell him about Draco. God...why did I ever agree to try for a baby after we reconciled?" Hermione asked rhetorically, her fingers reaching up to tangle into her curls as her forehead rested on her open palms. "It was too soon. I told him everything, and I crushed him, Harry, totally crushed him. I just stood there as he cried then...then he snapped…shouting at me, grabbing me...I got out of there pretty quick, but the Ron I fell in love with would have never scared me like that."
Hermione paused, lost in thought about when and how their relationship had changed. She struggled to pinpoint the exact moment, even though it was one of the many things which kept her up at night. Had she shut him out too much after the war? Unable to talk to him about whichever Death Eater he was trailing at the time? It wasn't that she didn't want to listen to him, she loved listening to Ron speak, especially when it was something he was passionate about. But, hearing how the men who haunted her youth were still out on the streets free and dangerous set her on edge. Knowing that her husband, the one person she loved above all others, was out there too, putting his life on the line to protect others, made her sick with worry. So, they had stopped talking about it.
Was that it? Was that how Olivia had been able to worm herself between the two of them? For so long they had been 'The Golden Trio' but what happened when one of them took a step back? Was there a void to be filled? And Olivia just happened to fit the bill? From what Hermione had learnt, Olivia was a few years younger than them, full of a thirst to rid the world of evil with knowledge of defensive spells that rivaled her own. Initially, Hermione had been curious about the girl Ron and Harry spoke so highly of, she sounded like someone Hermione could have gotten along with, but socialising with her at a Ministry function had been rather tedious. All she had wanted to hear about was their year on the run, missing Hermione's obvious discomfort and Harry's efforts to change the conversation as she proceeded to talk about how awful it must have been, especially being stuck with such an ugly permanent reminder scarred into her arm.
Hermione lifted her head from her hands and shook her curls loose, trying desperately to clear her mind of Olivia; the Beauxbatons graduate, the darling of the Auror department, the woman who could handle any situation with elegance and poise. The fangirl who had memorised every low point of Hermione's life who wasn't afraid to bring them up in normal conversation, whilst proudly spouting every achievement of Ron's.
Feeling her heart rate spike as she thought of Olivia and Ron together, Hermione took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second before opening them again, realising as she did so that Harry had been watching her, offering him a small smile Hermione settled back against him.
"I'm sorry he scared you, Hermione," Harry said gently, the revelations of the morning making his head spin. Keeping his arm around Hermione, he said, "If you don't mind me asking, what is the overlap, between the two of them?"
Hermione shuffled a bit closer to Harry, trying to make herself as small as possible before clearing her throat to answer. "About two weeks. After Draco and I slept together, I decided to give Ron another chance, right before he came back I came off the potion and I agreed we could try. I realised straight after that I wasn't ready but here I am," Hermione paused waving a hand at her stomach, "Pregnant."
"I've got to speak to him, Hermione," Harry said gravely. He didn't want to get in the middle of their relationship but this behaviour couldn't continue. Plus, knowing Ron, he would not be coping too well with the situation either. "Ron can't play the victim in this, neither of you have been saints but at least you're taking responsibility for your actions."
"No, Harry, please," Hermione groaned rubbing her hand across her forehead in an attempt to iron out the tension headache she could feel coming. "It'll be ok, things will work themselves out."
"Hermione," Harry began sternly, feeling his big-brother protectiveness kick in. "What if you hadn't Disapparated in time? What if Ron accidentally hurt you? You know he'd never forgive himself and it's not just you now." Hermione squirmed uncomfortably, Harry's words bought a whole new level of meaning to her situation. It wasn't just her now. "What if it's Ron's baby? He'll want to be there and you might need him. Merlin, what if it's Draco's? Would you stay married to Ron? Would Ron want to raise another man's child?"
"Harry - please," Hermione begged. As much as she appreciated his kindness, it was all too much. She could feel her heart beating erratically against her ribs as her chest constricted. There were too many thoughts, too many decisions to be made. "I know, I just…there's just so much to think through. I don't know where to start."
"Why don't we start with Ron," Harry offered, thinking of the one thing he could help Hermione shot up and out of his embrace, a look of horror on Hermione's face, he continued quickly with the rest of his sentence. "No, I mean, just have a conversation with Ron, you and me, when he's back in a couple of weeks, see where he is at. Gives you some time to...adjust, before seeing him."
Hermione sat quietly for a moment, mulling over Harry's suggestion. Currently, Ron was the biggest issue, and Hermione knew she needed to talk to him. But could they have a rational conversation? Hermione appreciated that he was hurt by her actions, but had Ron ever considered how she would feel when he demanded children? No.
"You'd really do that for me?" Hermione asked quietly, feeling stupid for wanting Harry there with her.
"Of course," Harry replied quickly, pulling Hermione back into his embrace, smiling when she promptly nuzzled back against his chest. "I want to be there, Hermione, for both of you. I've seen how Ron can get at work, I don't want you dealing with this alone anymore."
"Oh, Harry," Hermione cried into his arms, some of the weight lifting off her shoulders at his promise. If only everything was so easily solved.
A/N: *gasps in shock* a slightly quick update! Could this be a mark of things to come? Maybe...
As always, many thanks to the supreme Alpha reader tectonictigress who helped me when I first had the idea and read all seventeen of the chapters I'd pre-written and many thanks to my new Alpha TriDogMum, for the fresh set of ideas and lengthy discussions about the parts you guys haven't seen yet :D I'm getting closer to writing the end which is exciting and scary!