Number 7 shuffles in their cage across from him.
From a glance up he could tell they haven't gotten up yet, just mindless shuffling signs of them waking up relatively soon.
It's been a while since they took out Celeste for who knows what demise (the snapping of her bones, her flesh falling off, her talons scraping the cage, his blood boils-).
Subaru watches them from the corner of his eye, his head resting on the floor staring at the ceiling of his cage. They move around groggily at first, head rolling around awkwardly as they try to lift it. He could imagine their confusion as they press their palms flat against the cage floor to push themselves up into a sitting position. Their long hair spills out as they shift their weight to their legs instead of their arms, rubbing at their temples. They look around, seemingly confused.
It's at this point that Subaru starts to realize their shoulders are shaking, and they're making sharp little breaths.
At first, he doesn't think much of it until he realizes their breathing is only getting louder and much more rapid. Shoulders are shaking so much more badly, bordering on spasming. Her fingers are wrapped around her arms digging her nails into her flesh so visibly that if he concentrates hard enough he could make out her white knuckles.
He recognizes the labored panicked breathing.
Are they...?
Subaru snaps up into a sitting position and his spine pops at the stiffness.
"Hey!" He ignores how rough his voice sounds, he hadn't had a meal drop yet.
They turn around their jet-black eyes searching the cavern, tears budding in the corners.
Her eyes freeze on his cage in surprise but that doesn't seem to shock her out of it.
He takes her in fully long auburn hair slightly wavy at the ends, a pair of small black horns curling on her head, and jet black eyes.
She's looking at him, her chest expanding and shrinking in what looks to be an incredibly painful way.
With her full attention on him, Subaru realizes she is having a panic attack (he tries not to think about how he doesn't get them anymore, how his body has changed too much).
He has no idea what to do, okay fuck.
Shit.
Subaru shuts his eyes, okay think! Come on!
He thinks about his days as a child trapped in a small space with his heart-pounding painfully, tears building in his eyes as he thought he was about to die. A sinking feeling of a deep-rooted fear building in his chest as he clawed at his own skin when he realized he couldn't feel anything in his arms anymore. He remembers the sweat that had clung to him afterward. The throbbing pain in his chest and how much his abdomen had ached afterward.
Panic attacks always ruined the stitches (his innards almost spilling out onto the floor, one of his neighbors lifting their dead eyes to watch him keep an arm tight over his stomach before looking away, the budding horror and vomit clinging to the back of his throat as he tried to keep it down, the blood that pooled, the fear, his lungs craving for air).
Okay breathing. That's important, right? That's definitely important (hands clutched over his stomach, the stitches gone, he can't breathe, he can't breathe,heCAN'TBREATHE-).
"Okay, uh I need you to breathe with me okay? You can do that right?" She just stares at him, her shoulders trembling more and more and her breaths becoming shorter.
Okay well, she's still looking at him. He can work with that.
"Uh okay I'm going to take a deep breath and you're going to take a deep breath with me okay?" He tries to keep the panicked edge out of his voice, he's never done this before. He drops his arms and tries to make an exaggerated example of taking a deep breath. At first, she doesn't seem to be making a move to copy him, just staring at him, her breathing becoming more and more erratic.
So Subaru tries again, "Just-" he inhales moving his shoulders up as far as they could "-breathe." he exhales as deeply as he can. Making sure to motion with his hands to encourage her to follow.
She tries some aborted motion with her shoulders moving up and her large inhale getting caught in her throat before Subaru repeats the motion and she copies with a little more success.
Rinse and repeat.
With each breath, slowly but surely she seems to even out. Eventually, the tremors in her arms die out and her hands drop to her sides no longer digging her nails into her arms. She leans her whole body against the side of her cage and Subaru finally drops his shoulders once he realizes how tense they had been.
Her face looks exhausted, dark bags resting under her dark eyes.
Subaru lets go of the panicked tension he hadn't realized he held. He's tired, he realizes, but it's not really a realization. He's always tired.
"Th-thanks?" She winces while licking her dry lips, he can see the muscles on her neck tense. Subaru glances at her from the corner of his eyes as he moves to lie down, drained.
"You're welcome." He drops his hands against his chest and lets them rest there.
More silence. She still looks tense that much Subaru can tell from how she shifts around awkwardly, her hands picking at her white gown.
"Do you know where we are?" She says suddenly.
He bites down on his bottom lip, fingers tapping against his bony chest debating on how he should respond, "A cave." From the lack of response, she must be giving him a look at his cryptic response though he can't be sure what kind of look. In the dim light, he can't make out the more nuanced details of her expression.
"What kind of cave?" Subaru turns his head to look at her fully now, even from the distance and the lack of light he can see the pristine condition of her skin. The fullness of her cheeks, and the almost naive look of her pupil-less eyes.
What is he supposed to tell her exactly?
It's the kind of cave that cuts you open, and tries to stuff something inside of you? It's the one where the lowest level is probably filled with people who have not seen the light of day in years? It's the kind of one that breaks a person, the one that treats them like nothing more but objects?
Subaru thinks of the naive look to her eyes, and how untouched she was by the people here.
She'll find out soon enough, but Subaru should warn her, right? Or would that make it worse? He knows for a fact that when he first got there he hadn't known what that first trip to the surgery room would entail and how horrific it would be.
But then again he's not sure if him knowing would have prepared him for it (nothing would).
"It's not..." Why is it so difficult finding the words, what should he tell her? "... a good place." From her silence, Subaru realizes that he needs to elaborate somehow.
It would be easier to show her he decides as he heaves himself up into a sitting position, his neck aching from all the cricks.
He crawls over to the front of his cage before hesitating.
Would she even be able to see? Subaru glances down to his arms and runs a finger over one of the scars, the one that runs across his left arm from his shoulder down to his wrist. He got this from his first time (bright lights shining down, he's panicking, he's seen what they did to the others, he doesn't understand why, why, WHY-).
It's more faded than the others, just a lighter shade than the rest.
He shuts his eyes, he doesn't really want to show them if he could help it. But he doesn't have any other way of explaining.
He slips his left arm through the bars and as far as he could reach. Hopefully, she can see and this can be over quickly.
He doesn't open his eyes until he hears her gasp, and sees her snap both hands to her mouth.
"Oh my god-" He can't tell what she's looking at, her jet-black eyes give away nothing but it doesn't really matter. At least she understands now, judging from how stiff her body has gone.
"Are you okay? What did they do to you?" He looks up at her again after bringing his arms back towards himself. Concern. There's concern in her voice. It makes him swallow down a lump (the way his mother held on tight to his hand, concern flickering in her wide eyes).
He should tell her.
Give her a warning of some kind, would that help? Would it prepare her for the table?
Would she sit in her cage when they parked her in the room with the table not knowing what awaited her only to see the person who came before her get cut into? Would she have a dawning realization that she would be the next one on the table and panic? Would she try to break out from the cage in fear with a sob caught in her throat, and then realize she couldn't get out? Would she fight back desperately when they opened her cage and then realize that she couldn't do anything as they slammed her head against the bars to keep her from struggling until they strapped her in?
She deserves to know what waits for her (but it won't prepare her for it).
Subaru slides his head up to look at her.
He doesn't see her but sees the little boy in that too small cage that smelled like blood and death. He sees that boy with the round eyes desperately calling out for someone for just someone to please, please tell him what was happening! Only to never receive a response.
He sees that boy who had his fingers wrapped around the bars and shaking the gate trying to get it to open, only to scream and crawl back into his cage when they came.
He sees the boy who died a long time ago.
"They're going to take you." He says quietly.
"What?" Subaru slides his head up to look at her. There's tension on her face, her eyebrows drawn tight bottom lip caught between her teeth.
"They're going to take you to another place." He locks eyes with her, "And they're going to put you on a table and try to change you." His voice cracks at that last part.
She doesn't understand he realizes and there's no way for him to make her understand.
How do you explain it? This thing? This thing that resides in his blood and slumbers in his stomach. How do you explain how it feels to be strapped in leather too tight, and digging into your skin. How do you describe being cut open, your rib cage broken open so they could gain access to your heart?
How?
Is this why they didn't say anything?
Why one of his neighbors, the one with the black shaggy hair, grown long through years of ill care looked at him with dead-soulless eyes, mouth partly open like he wanted to say something before shutting it and looking away.
Because there wasn't a way to explain it? To warn somebody about it?
It falls quiet again, neither of them saying anything for a long time.
Subaru doesn't really know what to ask or talk about and he's not feeling up to it. Not after Celeste, who would sometimes ask him about things that made his heart twist painfully as he stared into her face. Her empty eyes telling him there were so many things he wasn't ready to face.
She leans forward hands wrapped around the bars of her cage gently testing the gates to see if the material would give. "How long have you been here?"
Subaru could feel her stare from across the cavern. His eyes flicker from her face to the ceiling of his cage.
He understands now why Celeste didn't answer.
A tense silence hangs in the air as Subaru stays quiet, choosing not to answer and instead staring at the ceiling of his cage again. Wondering how long her bright, and naive worldview would survive for.
She's stronger than him he muses, a lot less panicky than Subaru had been. A lot less desperate and cowardly. She radiates a sort of quiet calm determination underneath that apprehensive layer of fear. He can see it in the set line of her jaw and the way her fingers remain tight around the bars unmoving (she's different from all the new people).
If he had been like her would that have been enough to set him free?
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
"What's your name?"
She asks suddenly, Subaru keeps his eyes focused on the ceiling of his cage.
"Natsuki Subaru." Speaking around the lump that's suddenly popped up in his throat (SV-01 bring him in-, SV-01 appears to be-, SV-01 needs more-, SV-01,SV-01,SV-01SV-01SV-01-).
"I'm Lunette," She sounds hoarse, tired even "But you can call me Luna since we're both gonna be here a while it seems."
"It's nice to meet you." He half mumbles not expecting a response.
"You too, Subaru" Her voice carries strongly despite the obvious dryness to her throat.
He's surprised she could hear him.
They lapse into silence again.
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
The nutrient bar tastes bland.
Even a piece of stale old bread would have more flavor than this. He's a little disappointed that they didn't drop off a water bottle this time, but it's better than no meal drop at all.
Luna hasn't touched her's yet, she's just been staring at it as if it could unlock all the secrets in the world.
Subaru gives her another sideways glance as he eats another piece letting it crumble in his mouth.
"Is this it?" She lifts the bar towards the ceiling, studying it with what Subaru assumes must be the most intense expression he has ever seen on anybody he's met. But he guesses it's not really a high bar to cross.
"Yeah." He's not great at tracking time, but his general assumption and learned experience have led him to believe it's only one nutrient bar per day.
"Oh." She doesn't really sound surprised like she kind of expected it. Her eyes hover over him, perceptive.
She drops her hands to the floor again and then blatantly stares at him. Subaru tenses and breaks off another piece of his own to swallow, he doesn't enjoy how difficult it is to bite into.
She goes quiet for another long while "Do you want mine?"
His brain short-circuits, "What?"
"You should take mine." Her eyebrows furrow together, she leans forward, slips her hand through the cage bars, and tosses the only meal she's allowed for a long time. It lands near his cage.
Subaru stares at it, the piece he had eaten stopping halfway in his throat making him choke. He coughs and hacks it down to his stomach.
The offending piece of sustenance sits close enough to his cage that if he reaches out and stretches his arm enough he could just barely pick it up and bring it back to himself. It sits there, looking at him. He stares at it dumbly.
An act of kindness his mind helpfully supplies him.
"Why?" He reaches out from the cage and strains his arm to pick it up.
She just shrugs, "You look like you need it."
He wraps his fingers around the bar firmly and manages to pull himself back into the cage.
He thumbs the nutrient bar turning to look at her. She seems fine, body relaxed, fingers tapping against her thighs. He gets the feeling she's looking at him even if he can't tell from her lack of pupils.
"I haven't done anything for you." His voice cracks again, his heart squeezes itself tight (he doesn't know this feeling).
She gives him a funny look like he's the one being weird, "You don't need to have done anything for me?"
He looks at her in full again; her tan unmarred skin, her auburn hair that could still look healthy and clean, the small black horns on her forehead that curl towards the back of her head, and her pitch-black eyes.
He thinks of her on the table.
He slips his arm back out the cage and tosses the bar back to her, "It's okay. I don't need it." He doesn't add the, 'You need it more than I do' and pretends his voice didn't just crack again. She just huffs and reaches through the bars off her cage again and picks it up, slinking into the back of her cage.
Subaru turns away and finishes the last of his own nutrient bar (the feeling doesn't disappear).
A couple of beats pass when he decides to lie down again and debate what he should draw in the air this time when something hits the bar of his cage. It clinks against the bars and falls against the ground with a soft thud making Subaru snap his head back up.
Luna is sitting innocently in her own cage, her face turned away.
When he moves forward to investigate he discovers it's half of a nutrient bar. When he looks up Luna is looking at him with a pair of raised expectant brows and eating her half.
He stares at her blankly.
"What? You gonna wait for me to turn into a dying old woman to eat or what?" She snorts, Subaru could almost feel the eye roll she must be giving him if it wasn't so hard to tell.
He moves to pick it up, he shouldn't take this but his stomach still gnaws painfully as it has been doing he can't remember a time it hasn't.
Even if he wasn't hungry she still needs it more, she needs all her strength to survive her first time (the table sits in the middle, the cultists surrounding it standing there coldly, they're moving the person off, it's his turn, it'shisturnitshisturnitshisturn-).
"Pinky promise me." Subaru's hand freezes; he had been just about to toss it back at her, and insist that she takes it. She needs it more, she really does.
But he doesn't toss it back, not yet anyway, "What?"
"Pinky promise me you're gonna eat that and everything else I throw at you." It takes a few moments for her words to register, but even when they do register he can't quite wrap his mind around it. Because of the implication, that she plans on giving him more, more food. When she only has half and Subaru has had a whole bar, and this stuff comes only in long intervals.
"We can do the pinky promise like this, since well," She gestures to the cage around her, "we can't really reach each other." She lifts both her hands together and locks her pinkies together and then shakes them.
Subaru gives her another stare. She stares right back at him, her gaze unwavering.
So he sets the nutrient bar on the floor and lifts both of his hands towards each other and locks his pinkies together just like she did, he looks up at her again and she gives him both an encouraging nod and smile. He shakes his hands together and then drops them.
"That wasn't so bad." She hums a small smile tugging her lips, "When we get out of here we can have a proper pinky promise."
"Okay." Subaru only agrees because he's too stunned to do anything else as he breaks off a tiny piece of his half of a nutrient bar (his chest squeezes painfully, but it's a good pain, he thinks).
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
True to her word every time they have a meal drop she breaks off half of her nutrient bar and tosses it at him.
Sometimes it'll hit him smack in the face and he'll give her an annoyed look and she'll just bat her eyelids innocently while taking a loud snarky bite out of her half. Most of the time he'll toss it back at her his throw fueled by the cold power of vengeance, and miss his mark horribly.
That's usually how it ends up, them tossing each other half of the nutrient bar until one side gives up. Sometimes Subaru wins the argument and she'll take her half back and eat it begrudgingly, but other times she'll win and Subaru will eat it with the best-annoyed face he could muster.
She just laughs at his misery and calls him a sore loser.
What a jerk.
"What year is it?" Subaru stares at Celeste's still empty cage, he can still see the deep groove marks on the floor of her's. He doesn't have to look to know that Luna has jerked up so fast she strained her muscles in her neck. Her stare is boring into the side of his face as he lets that tiny piece of information sink in.
He can imagine her biting the bottom of her lip as he finds a new claw mark in Subaru's cage he hasn't noticed before.
"It's currently 421." Oh.
His eyes squeeze shut almost painfully.
Oh.
Ten years.
It's been ten years.
He doesn't remember much from when he was first summoned into this world, but he at least remembered the year it had been when he was taken.
Ten years of his life spent in this miserable hell hole under Petelguese.
"Do you want to know what month it is?" Luna asks softly. Subaru just nods, keeping his eyes closed as he tries to keep his breathing in check.
"It's December." Her gown rustles as she seems to move towards the front of her cage, "The last time I checked it had been December 3rd, the royal selection was supposed to commence soon."
"You know before I got caught I was actually going home from the library." She says it like a throwaway comment, her head staring at the cage next to hear. Subaru pries his eyes away from studying Celeste's cage. "It was kind of dumb, you know the book. Something about conspiracy theories about a cult that's been around for around 400 years, kinda ironic huh?" She hums and finally turns to look at him.
Subaru can't remember what a library looked like. "I went with my mom, dad was kinda busy at work that day so we just went by ourselves, the book sucked but mom made it better by making jokes about it." Her mouth quirks up into a smile at the memory. "I don't think the people who sat next to us liked us very much."
"Can you tell me what library was like?" He looks away again, swallowing nervously trying to picture her at the place with her mother.
"It was horrible." Subaru looks at her kinda surprised, but as she describes the uncomfortable seats and the horrible state of the building he could almost imagine the memory could have been good even if the place was terrible. She hadn't liked the place but her mom had made it enjoyable, a memory worth remembering.
Maybe he would have too. Maybe he could have made the experience enjoyable for her like Luna's mother did for her.
"What was your mother like?" He asks quietly, did he have a mother? He must have, right? That woman with black hair in his dreams. Was that her?
"Oh, she was a total bitch." She snorts but her voice quickly turns fond, "She was strong, confident, a little uptight about some things. Kept her maiden name which my grandparents really didn't like, some bullshit about respecting her husband, but dad totally didn't mind. I think he liked that she kept her maiden name, Lucia Allaire-Pascall, something about her being strong-willed and independent." Luna makes a disgusted face, "I didn't bother to hear the rest he was getting really lovey-dovey."
Did he have a father? He can't think of anyone being with the black-haired woman from his dreams but he must have, right? Maybe he had been busy but he would still have been a part of Subaru's life.
Luna goes on to describe her day and then her life at school, and how she used to spend her weekends. Subaru could really imagine her life. The blue sky, the bustle of the crowds in the shopping district, her friends, and the taste of ice cream on a hot summer day. The frustration she felt at losing every game against her best friend Alistair who won at everything. He was totally cheating! Don't laugh at me!
He can imagine how she spent hours in her room stomach flat on her bright orange bed agonizing over work and hanging out with her friends to complain about her teachers.
He lets her fill the silence with stories.
It's nice.
Better than spending time alone with his thoughts trying hard not to think about things he doesn't want to remember.
"You know when we get out of here, I'd like to tell my mom something." She says casually, her fingers tracing the horns on her head almost absentmindedly as if remembering something that occurred a long time ago.
"What's that?" Subaru asks rolling onto his stomach and distinctly avoiding looking at Celeste's cage, and swallowing down a lump when she mentions getting out. She says that a lot and even if Subaru doesn't personally believe it he doesn't have the heart to tell her otherwise (if he let her say it enough maybe it would become true).
"She was totally right about the nail polish she recommended." She slips her hand as far from her cage to show him her perfectly painted orange nails, "This shit lasts forever." Subaru snorts, fighting back a smile.
"And I guess I'd tell her I love her too. That too, like a good, loving, caring daughter." She drawls leaning against the cage bar in an almost dramatic matter. What would he tell his mother if he saw her, or recognized her?
Subaru laughs at that and scrunches his nose at her, something light bubbling in his chest that makes him ignore the hunger pangs, "Somehow I doubt the fact that you are a 'good, loving, and caring daughter'." He makes sure to emphasize the quotation marks.
"Hey, where's your proof that I'm anything but, detective?"
"I don't need proof, you literally just called her a bitch not even 15 minutes ago." She places her hand over her chest and pretends to be the most offended person on the planet. Even giving out a small dainty gasp and making an affronted face to make it more believable.
"Lies!" She calls out, sticking her tongue out at him as she presses her hands over her ears childishly.
"It's the truth!" Luna only cackles in response.
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
The time was bound to come.
When they came in with an empty transport cage.
They hadn't drawn Subaru's blood for a while now so he knows that the next time they opened those doors with wheels squeaking outside it would be for one of them (he hopes it's him, he can't imagine Luna there on the table with them cutting into her, blood dripping down, head rolling back, dying on the table, unable to survive-).
He hoped maybe they were bringing Celeste back but he knows better.
She wasn't coming back and she never would come back. After all, the 6 other cages wouldn't be empty if that wasn't the case.
They're both quiet when the cultists unlock the gate to Subaru's cage and move to grab him.
For a brief moment, his mind does what it hasn't done in years, he thinks of fighting back. Clamping his teeth hard enough to taste their flesh through their cloth, and refusing to let go of the cage. But the thought vanishes.
He looks at Luna, and he's glad that it's him and not her. He's not sure if he could handle seeing her coming back after that. She's been good to him. Giving him half of her nutrient bar when she shouldn't have, her cheeks were thinning from their roundness but he hadn't mentioned it to her. Unsure of how to approach her about the topic.
Two cultists grab him, not the usual one.
He's proven to them before they need two, always.
They grab his shoulders roughly and shove him into the cramped transport cage as quickly as possible. His head smacks into the bars from the rough handling, the bars send tremors through the rest of the cage.
The gate slams closed and the lock clicks into place.
Subaru looks up, hands gripping the bar of the cage as he turns his head to get one last look at Luna. She doesn't know she may never see him again. If he comes back would she see him like how he saw Celeste?
He doesn't want that, he doesn't want that.
But he can't do anything.
He can't do anything.
A stone sits heavy in his stomach as he finds Luna's jet-black eyes, he's sure now that they are looking at him.
"Hey, you gotta come back okay whatever they do, you gotta come back, okay?" She whispers loudly. The double doors swing open. "You can't just leave me here to die of boredom okay?! That's a cruel way to die!" One of the cultists writes on the clipboards they always carry with them when they move patients. "If you don't come back who else am I gonna throw these disgustingly bland bars at?!" Her breathing starts to become increasingly erratic, her hands are shaking along with her shoulders.
She's having a panic attack.
"Luna you need to breathe." His voice is hoarse, tight with some feeling he doesn't recognize.
"I'll breathe when you come back!" She calls out, increasingly desperate, "Pinky promise me!"
"Shut up." One of the cultists kicks at her cage, giving her a foul look, but she ignores him. Her hands still desperately clinging to the bars of her cage. Her eyes widening he can almost see her physically becoming paler due to stress.
Subaru closes his eyes, unable to look at her anymore.
He can't keep his promises, he's learned that already.
But he also knows Luna is an optimist, saying that you should always have something to look forward to in the future. Even the small things like knowing tomorrow is a Saturday and you don't have to go to school, or the big things like how she would be turning 18 in 3 months.
Is it cruel?
To give her this promise knowing he could not keep it?
He knows that it's always so much worse to have something and then have it taken away.
But he also knows that it's something, just one small thing that he can give her because he can't give her anything else.
"Okay." He says, lacing his pinkies together and shaking them.
She gives him a shaky smile as they cart him out, her breathing still erratic and short but she's trying so hard to be strong (he never realized how comforting it was to see Luna smile when he knows he marches towards death's door).
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
They park his cart exactly seven feet to the left of the table, just like every other session.
The world seems to spin, swaying under his feet the ground moving as if it were made of solid-liquid. The bars seem to bend at physically impossible angles as he clutches them for one last thing to anchor him.
Is it selfish? Selfish to wish he could die here and not have to watch Luna deteriorate in this place? Selfish to wish that he wouldn't have to suffer through thing after thing, or to realize what he's going to become?
It must be selfish (he's always selfish).
The walls are the same sterile white, with cupboards and counters lining the walls. Papers and folders neatly stacked, tools thoroughly cleaned in the sink, metal objects sitting in plastic containers. The "doctors" haven't arrived yet, but he knows that when they do they will open both doors and they will walk in an almost single-file line. At least two of them will be pulling on plastic gloves, or adjusting their surgical masks.
He knows it will take at least 15 minutes for them to get everything set up and double-check the injections, and then another 5 minutes to go over the file of papers they keep on him.
20 minutes.
His mouth tastes like cotton.
20 minutes, maybe more if they come in late.
He knew it would happen. He knew it would happen. He's always known.
And yet, he's not prepared (he's never prepared).
Subaru leans his forehead against the cage bars, the metal feels cold. It's always cold. His knuckles turn white from gripping the bars so tightly, he sure he could hear them crack over the sound of the door opening and shuffling footsteps. There's more white noise as they move about. There's idle chatter, remarking something about the royal selection but he can't seem to get his mind to focus on it. Information like this was so important, maybe one of them would let loose what day of the week it was, or what they had planned tomorrow, maybe one of their friends was going on vacation and Subaru could skip a surgery if that friend happened to be a "doctor".
But he can't focus, he can't, he can't, he CAN'T!
His muscles coil tightly he can see the sewer grate at the bottom of the silver table it's rusted over, stained and ruined from years of blood dripping down on it. Two of the cultists click open his cage and grab him.
His breathing turns erratic, he shouldn't do that it's only more painful if he does that.
Why?
Why, why, why?
Why can't he get himself under control?
He's only going to make this worse, he's only going to make it worse, please, please stop. He needs to relax, it hurts more when they cut into tense muscles, his lungs hurt more if he breathes this fast when they become exposed to the open air.
Please, please he needs to stop.
They press him down onto the table, arms locking him in place as they are careful to avoid his legs. But even if he could fight back against the weight of their arms pressing against him he wouldn't. He can't seem to make his body do what he wants it to (it doesn't belong to him).
One of the "doctors" has magic ready so he can see it in the corner of his eye.
The leather comes in tight, extra tight as they test the bonds, it's not a lesson they would ever forget (screaming, it hurts, it hurts moving with his stomach cut open, his wrists are bleeding from where he's worked himself free, his ears hurt the doctors are screaming he's pulled a scalpel from their hands and slammed it into their eyes, his nails digging into the nearest "doctor" after that, his head hurts, his ears hurt, everything hurts-).
"Eito, are you ready?" The one with the slate asks as he's flipping through the paper as he studies the contents.
"Yeah." The coarse leather feels familiar as it digs into his skin again.
He pushes down the bile building in his throat as he tries so hard to keep calm and relax.
He's not- he's not, he's not he's not ready, he's not, he's not,no,nohe can't,hecan'the-he-he-
The doors open again, they're carting in something else, but Subaru remains still, the leather strap around his neck digs into the soft tissue of his skin. He couldn't' even look if he wanted to, the leather restraints prevent him. He swallows down the vomit that he can feel climbing up his throat, the lights are blinding he screws his eyes shut, but even behind his eyelids, he sees red, the light revealing the blood vessels in them.
"S-Subaru?!" It's Luna. "Oh my- what the fuck are they-" He can barely hear her over the blood rushing in his ears.
It's him.
It's going to be through him that Luna discovers what they do, and it'll be her on the table next. He was going to be the person she would vomit at, that would prevent her from eating nutrient bars for a week. It was going to be him that she could not look in the eye anymore, with her face contorting into horror each time she saw his face. Unable to disassociate the Subaru she saw with the one struggling on the table (he knows he did that with the neighbor across from him, dirty blond hair, red eyes).
"Is that-" He can hear her quiet gasp and the panicked edge to it "-that's a drill what-"
To his right the electric whirr of something moving sounds, Subaru bites the inside of his cheek. Something in his throat catches itself on his tongue. Something cold washes over him.
This will be the time that breaks him.
Celeste's face flashes by, her face twisted into something ever-smiling, unseeing eyes and a mind broken. He knows why now that for all her agony, desperation, and hidden strength, why she couldn't stop screaming.
It doesn't matter that Luna will be here and he will be the one that shows her what this place is. It doesn't matter that if he comes back and she makes it through her session that he will not be the same just like Celeste.
It doesn't change anything.
It's okay.
Subaru's chest tightens.
He'll never see her again.
He'll have to know in his last moments Luna was here, and she would suffer right after him, in this, horrible, wretched, fucking place.
"Oh my god what-" One of the "doctors" places his hand on his head with a steady nearly painful grip, and tilts his head so his right side is more accessible.
He goes deaf after that, from the blood pumping in his ears.
He's always known his fate.
He's known it since that day he realized the injections were different, he's known it since that day they took him to work at The Mine. He's known it since they took him back to The Mountain, he's known it since his body began humming with livewire energy and reciting the commands of someone else's schedule.
He knows it.
And he knows it now when he feels a gust of wind blow across the right side of his face, and the "doctor's" grip on his head tightens. They're talking but Subaru doesn't know what they're talking about.
He just knows he can't afford to lie to himself anymore.
He only knows that when they line up the needles on his skin, and they go through something inside of him stands. It stands on all four, its lips peeled back in a snarl drawing strength from whatever they put in him. Electric pain coursing through him when they make the cut across his abdomen for the next line of injections, but he doesn't scream.
He bites it down (he tastes blood).
Because it's okay.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be over after this, nothing will matter.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's going to be okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
It's going to be okay, It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay it's okay-
And he screams (sweet little white lies he never quite believed).
Hold on. I know it's rough, I know it's not what we planned but we can get through it. Just hold on.
"Put him under."
The right side of his head buzzes with a dull-ache.
His brain feels sluggish, some sort of thick swampy fog that he can't quite cut through seems to hover over his mind.
A needle is being injected into him. A spot on his right arm stings before the needle is removed as the needle leaves he feels languid. Awareness dampening more.
Something's changed.
Even as he feels like his brain is starting to explode out of his head and that he doesn't quite exist on this plane of existence he knows something's different. But the thought escapes him. He can't quite think, there's too much. Too much going on. Too much noise, too much feeling.
Cold slithers up his legs, and wraps around his feet, slipping between his toes and climbing up his thighs.
He needs to open his eyes, he needs to know what's happening. But the urgency doesn't seem to quite register with him as he fights to try and get the signals from his brain to his eyes, but it doesn't quite work. His eyelids feel heavy. Everything is heavy, his bones, his skin, and this body.
There are sounds, a flurry of them. Metal on metal, somebody is scribbling something onto parchment, people are conversing with one another, and a quiet almost non-existent sob.
Where is he? His mind is still hazy, but it's working through the fog now which he kind of regrets because along with consciousness comes his greater awareness for pain. Debilitating pain. Pain that is pounding away at the right side of his head, throbbing and pulsing. Sinking its fangs into his flesh like he was a feast.
He can't, he can't think where is he-
A steady ring becomes incessant. Loud. It rings against his ears, it makes it worse. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, please stop it hurts, please stop pleaseplease-
"He's destabilizing, we need to put him in now!" More ringing, why can't it stop? More clamoring noises piling on top of each other nearly drowning each other out, he can barely hear anything over the noise.
He opens his eyes, only to let them fall closed again. The migraine behind them screams pressing against his consciousness relentlessly.
"Fuck, the Archbishop is going to kill us if there's anything wrong with him." Something buzzes just under his skin. He knows that feeling. But it shouldn't be like this. It's supposed to be buried, not here, not at the forefront clawing against the tomb he has it encased in.
The cold feeling crawls up to his torso before surging up to his neck. An uncomfortable pressure starts closing in around his chest. He finally gets his eyelids open. He gets to see them, or at least a blur of colors. His eyes aren't functioning correctly as he watches almost lazily one of the dark blobs hurriedly rushing over to him, something clatters to the ground.
Somebody's pressing their hand against his head and pushing-
And then he's cold.
The chill washes over his face. His closed eyelids tighten against the foreign feeling as he hears something close with a muffled click. After that everything seems to just become something outside his little bubble of cold bitter nothingness.
In the darkness with the only thing to tell him of the world outside are the occasional tremors.
Something hooks its claws into his mind.
The body wears thin. He can feel the hot lava of pain budding at his fingertips and circling his feet like sharks.
Whatever they injected into him must be wearing out by now he thinks idly, his heart beginning to accelerate. The weight of something that is not him pressing against his lungs and dragging him down into unknown depths.
Cold.
He's cold all over now.
Thoughts in a disarray. He can't organize them.
Can't breathe.
Something's going through his nose and it's notair,it'snotair,it'snotair-
It's water.
Water that's wrapped around him like a viper. Ice-cold liquid wrapped around his feet, curling around his neck, latching into the space between his fingers, and burying itself deep in his lungs. It burns against his skin, sears like fire, and fills his lungs. Forcing him to open his mouth (he needs to breathe,heneedstobreathe,heneedstobreatheheneedsto-).
But it can't be water, he thinks distantly as it enters through his mouth and strangles him from the inside out. It tastes too much like blood to be water.
It burns through his body as the liquid surrounding him invades his body forcing whatever that was buzzing in his blood to rears its ugly head, maw opening wide, clawing through his stomach to taste the wine.
Eventually, the vibrations stop, and Subaru can feel his consciousness slipping.
It's quiet, and yet, not quite. Distinct noises ringing against his right ear that don't seem to want to go away, even though nothing should be making noise here in this little bubble of darkness.
Ah, he's slipping again. His mind becomes slippery, difficult to form a coherent thought even as he comes to a quiet realization.
He can't imagine Luna being in here.
But she's not in here with him. Somehow that thought comforts him more than anything else even as his chest constricts around his rapidly beating heart.
There's nothing else keeping him tethered.
It's okay then, he can let go.
It's over now.
This would be his life now. Another cog in the machine. Another tool to be used and abused.
And you know somehow the thought doesn't make him feel the same ice-cold terror it used to.
It's just apathy now. A strange dull apathy that wraps around him like a safety blanket as he feels the liquid take hold, pain splitting him in half like the hard glinting scalpels.
It howls in his ears.
Perhaps there had been a time when Subaru had been happy: all smiles and glowing innocence. Blurred memories of sitting on a couch with a woman he can't even remember. Laughing, and smiling at a TV(?) with a far too small screen and scratchy speakers. Swinging his feet at the edge of the couch as he bounced up and down excitedly chattering about something. Each of those vignettes slips away like sand.
He can't breathe through the water but that's okay.
This body can't handle that.
But the pain morphs away. Morphing into nothing more but another drop in the barrel. Merging together until he can no longer tell anything apart. Everything burns, and burns, and burns until he's no longer able to tell apart his individual fingers.
He's left feeling numb even as he thinks of Celeste: her body stuck in the limbo of laughing and screaming in agony. The choked sobs that never quite came out as sobs. Vacant blue eyes that never quite seem to look at him.
Maybe he should be feeling something, he deserves it after all. He's a selfish, dirty, rotten coward who makes promises he can't keep.
But maybe it's better this way. To become numb-minded, and ignorant of his humanity. After all, the longer he clings to his humanity, the longer it takes for the water to drown him: and drowning?
Drowning is the worst way to go.
Lips peeled back.
And after everything he's been through he'd at least like to go quietly.
So he lets go.
He lets go of the tension that's coiled in his muscles. Lets go of the lifeline he's clung to all these years.
The liquid floods him.
But he's not drowning.
Not anymore.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Next chapter's where the main story gets going (spoiler alert: Subaru suffers)
Until then!