Lonely Christmas

"You wanna know how many shipments I processed today?" AJ smiled, getting home from work, dumping her folders on the kitchen table as Punk scoffed.

"Watch my puzzle book." He complained, reaching for his crossword puzzle book from under the folders.

"Guess." AJ told him, shaking her coat off and sitting it over a chair, making her way to the fridge for a bottle of water.

"I don't know, I don't understand the cooperate world. I use my hands at work." Punk shook his head.

"One hundred and twenty eight." AJ smiled, "If I wasn't the boss, I'd be the boss." She smirked to herself as Punk just smiled.

"Good going." Punk nodded.

"My ass cheeks are numb from literally sitting down all day on the phone but what a good day." She smiled happily.

"Remember when our thrills in life was getting a slice of pizza and finding a motel room to sleep in for the night?" Punk said, "Now you're all fancy."

"I've been doing this job for over twenty years and you still don't get used to it." AJ smiled, amused.

"It's not I don't get used to it, it's just… knowing you before the job makes it a little more special, I guess." He nodded, "I saw how hard you worked. Going to college, working at the coffee shop, having Thea… it was crazy." Punk said.

"It was but we got through it, didn't we?" She smiled as he nodded, "How was your day?" She asked, leaning over and kissing his head before taking a seat opposite of him.

"I didn't process any shipments but I did paint an entire section of the decking down at the docks. You would have popped when you saw me come home. Covered in paint." He told her.

"So is our shower a complete mess now?" AJ asked.

"Well, I tidied it up after." Punk said as she smiled.

"Trained you well." She smiled, "Heard from any of our children?" She asked him.

"No, actually." Punk shook his head, "I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, though. I think they're all doing alright." Punk nodded with a content smile.

"Yeah I think so too." AJ smiled, "I can't wait for Christmas. I mean I know you've been out of prison for so long now but the feeling of doing the holiday season without you… it's still there at the back of my head. Makes you a little more grateful when everyone can be together." She said as Punk smiled.

"Of course it does." Punk nodded, "What did you guys even do at Christmas when I was gone?" He asked curiously.

"We carried on as normal, I guess. The first one was the hardest. Cassie was a baby and the girls were still young. It was difficult to put on a brave face." She nodded.

"Oh, wow. Look at that." AJ smiled, watching six year old Jude tear open her presents which Santa had left for her.

"Mommy I can paint it!" Jude exclaimed excitedly, overjoyed at any arts and crafts gifts she was ever given. Any excuse to roll her sleeves up and create something colourful.

"You can." AJ chuckled, watching her sit it aside carefully, collecting all her wrapping paper up neatly whilst Thea simply teared into her things and tossed it around the room.

"These are nice." Thea nodded, unboxing some new hair straighteners. For AJ, it was the first year she'd really noticed that Thea wasn't asking for toys any more.

"You like them?" AJ smiled, holding few month old Cassie in her arms who was sleeping.

"Yeah." Thea smiled as AJ nodded, "And I love these too." She nodded gratefully, looking back at the new converse in the box.

AJ felt relief that she'd managed to somehow get the girls the things they'd ask for, and some more. Money wasn't the issue, but doing it all by herself for the first time, that was horrific.

"Ok, pancakes are almost done." Dean announced, walking into the living room.

"Dee! Look." Jude showed him all her toys, "Look Santa brought me things to paint."

"Oh, wow. How cool is that?" Dean smiled, "You girls are very lucky, huh?" He nodded, folding his arms.

"It's because we're good girls." Jude told him, "We're on the nice list."

"Oh, I see." Dean smiled, turning to AJ who was also smiling.

"Well… I thought Thea should have been on the naughty list." Jude said truthfully as Dean chuckled, looking over at Thea who was collecting her wrapping paper up.

AJ hadn't asked Dean to come over in the morning but he'd shown up anyway to be there for her.

"You should go be with Renee and Chrissy." AJ shook her head quietly to Dean.

"I spent the morning with them." Dean assured her, "I'll stay here and then then Renee and Chrissy will come for dinner."

"I don't need babysat." AJ assured him, "I'll be alright."

"I don't care." Dean whispered to her caringly, brushing his hand down the back of her head as she smiled.

"Did Cassie get any presents?" Jude wondered, wandering over to her mother and looking on at Cassie, poking her cheek.

"Don't poke her cheek." AJ laughed a little, "Of course she got presents. They're under the tree. We can open some later and show her, yeah?" She nodded to Jude.

"Ok." Jude said, "Is daddy opening his presents?" Jude asked curiously as AJ looked at her. Thea turned around, looking over to see what her mother would say, noticing the pain on her face.

"Y-Yeah." AJ nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat, "Yeah of course he is. Just… this year he's gonna open them someplace else." She said.

"Oh." Jude nodded as Dean sighed to himself, watching Thea walk by him and into the kitchen.

"Daddy's fine." AJ nodded to Jude.

"Oh, well that's ok then." Jude nodded, "As long as he has presents." She shrugged.

"He does." AJ smiled, "Why don't you go open some more, there's still a few over there." She pointed as Jude nodded, rushing away over as she took a deep breath and a moment to compose herself.

Meanwhile Dean made his way into the kitchen where Thea was sitting, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.

"Hey." Dean said softly. He didn't talk to Thea like she was a kid, the way he talked to Jude. They were all aware that Thea knew what was going on, and that her father was pretty much gone for the foreseeable future.

"Hi." Thea shrugged to him.

"I know it's a little tough when Jude asks those questions." Dean nodded to her.

"I wish she'd just shut up sometimes." Thea shook her head.

"She's just a little kid. She has no idea what's happened." Dean reminded her.

"We could tell her." Thea shrugged, "At least then she'd stop asking."

"She's too young to know or understand." Dean shook his head, "You need to protect her, make sure that she doesn't get upset or confused about it all-"

"That's not fair. How come she gets to… to not know anything but I do." Thea sighed with frustration.

"Cause unfortunately you were born first." Dean shrugged, "I can't change that for you, I can't change anything that's going on but your dad is… he'll be ok." Dean nodded. He didn't know that for sure, but he had to convince the others.

"He's not gonna get any presents this year or… or anything." Thea said sadly. It was still very fresh for all of them. She hadn't reached an understanding of what had happened yet. She still wanted her father to be with them.

"I know but… I know your dad, and I know that the best gift we can give him right now is if we have a good day with each other, and you have fun with your sister and your cousin, and we look out for each other." Dean nodded.

"Can't they let prison people out for… for birthdays and Christmas?" Thea asked her uncle as Dean sighed to himself.

"I wish they did but it's… it's not part of the process, I guess." Dean shook his head.

"Is it because he's bad? And bad people don't deserve nice things?" Thea asked him.

"Your dad is not bad." Dean said, "Don't ever believe that for a second. He's good. And he loves you more than anything. Sometimes things just happen that are out of your control."

"It just feels like a normal day." Thea shrugged.

"I know." Dean understood, "But we're gonna have fun, ok? Come help me with these pancakes." He told her as she got up and helped him.

"My first time cooking and the house is still standing." Dean smiled, walking into the living room, finding AJ sitting with Cassie in her arms, feeding her a bottle.

"You did good." AJ smiled up at him, "Thank you."

"I actually had fun. Apart from Renee standing over my shoulder watching everything." He rolled his eyes as AJ smiled, "You didn't eat much." He said, tapping her shoulder.

"I just… don't felt so hungry." AJ shrugged as he nodded, "It was great, though. I'll probably have a sandwich on everything when the girls go to bed." She smiled.

"Oh, yeah. That's a must." Dean nodded, sitting down beside her on the couch.

"What are they up to?" AJ asked curiously.

"Renee is helping them make hot chocolate." Dean said, "How's this one?" He asked, looking down at Cassie.

"Hungry." AJ smiled, watching Cassie guzzle her bottle, "Hey, thank you for being here this morning. It was… somehow harder than I thought it'd be. And I thought it'd be hard." She shook her head.

"Hey, it was no problem." Dean assured her, "Stupid question but… how you doing?" He asked her as AJ shrugged.

"I don't even know." AJ shook her head, "It just… doesn't feel right. I swear I keep hallucinating his voice every now and then." She said as he nodded.

"I think that's pretty normal." Dean nodded.

"Nothing about any of this is normal." AJ sighed, "And I know it's hurting Thea, but she doesn't talk to me about it. And Jude just… she doesn't know what's going on." She shook her head, "And this little one…" She looked down at Cassie, "She's not even… she's not gonna know him." She shook her head, rolling her head back and looking up at the ceiling to try keep her tears in her eyes.

"She will know him. Eventually. And she'll love him." Dean said.

"I just really miss him." AJ cried as he nodded, wrapping his arm around her as she leaned into him, sobbing.

"I know. I do too." Dean sighed, kissing her head as she cried into him, as quietly as she could.