"SV-01." Roswaal raises a single eyebrow at his maid taking two pale yellow slips from her hands. "It's two pieces of paper found on the cultist that Rem killed."
He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he thumbs the corner of the paper. Roswaal read the paper aloud, "Kidnapped 10 years ago in the shopping district of the capital. Age: ? Head candidate for Reselection Project."
"You pretty much summed up everything." His frown only deepens as he flips the paper. The back's blank.
"That's it?" Roswaal is incredulous. "That's it? That's all he was carrying on him? No leads? Just where this person was kidnapped? A case like this can't have this little to go off of-"
"That's all we've found so far." Ram flicks her hair as her glowing pink eyes peer into Roswaal's face. "Rem should be interrogating the other cultist once he wakes up. We haven't searched his clothes yet either." There's a hint of distaste in her voice that's buried under all that professionalism. Shit, the royal selection stuff is really starting to stress him out.
After that Roswaal shuts up and pinches the bridge of his nose and drops the paper onto his desk carelessly.
"So a person never seen, or heard from in 10 years shows up out of the blue running from witch cultists. And somehow manages to escape after what must be 10 years of captivity? We don't even know their age, what they look like, or even if they're male or female?" He needs tea. It's too early for this shit.
He looks at the next piece of paper.
"Petra. Kidnapped 5 years ago in the Arlam village. Age: 8. Parents are now deceased. Currently used as entertainment for a finger of the Sloth sect of the Witch Cult."
Roswaal thinks he's going to be sick. He lets out a long sigh tipping his head back so he stares at the blank ceiling above him letting his hand run through his hair. He winces. He'll need a bath soon.
"We'll see if we have better luck after the interrogation." And with that Ram leaves, taking the pieces of paper with her.
"Thank you, Ram." He waves her off as she leaves. Roswaal drops into his seat and sags against the backrest. She quietly walks out of the office, closing the door behind her as carefully as possible.
Aside from the fact that he has no information about who these people really are, he also has to worry about this "Reselection Project". If the Witch Cult were planning a project, that doesn't bode well for anyone involved. He needs to find these people, and fast.
Roswaal drops his head against the table.
Just another Tuesday for him then.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
If there is one thing Subaru can call a constant in his life, it's suffering.
His back burns with each nerve throbbing and pulsing like molten lava has been poured over the skin of his back. Not to mention the fact that all the running they had done had only exacerbated the injury. Subaru winces as he feels the blood sliding down his back while the acrid scent of burned flesh makes him want to puke.
Whatever is sitting on his skin isn't pretty but he needs this done if he doesn't want any more trouble for himself in the future. He runs his tongue over his cracked lips trying in a sorry attempt to settle his fraying nerves. But his fingers still shake hard enough that he can't quite unroll the gauze from the stolen med-kit from the village. He purses his lips and moves to pick up the roll again.
"I can help!" Petra blurts out suddenly from across him, a determined glint shining in her aquamarine eyes as Subaru looks at her taken aback. "I-I mean can... Can I help?" Petra chews on her bottom lip for a long while before reaching out with her right hand nervously before snapping back. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have asked please just-"
"No, no it's fine!" He scrambles with his words trying to ease her worry and smooth out the creases in her face and all but ends up shoving the gauze into her hands. After that, it's mostly silent as he watches her fumble with the wraps until she finally gets the roll to unwind. She's inexperienced with the gauze but that's fine because Subaru is suddenly hit with the urge to fall over and never open his eyes again.
Exhaustion isn't particularly new to Subaru. But god does he feel it now in the aches of his muscles and the dull incessant throbbing of his legs and the way the cold air relieves the burning of his lungs.
"Is it okay?" Petra's voice snaps Subaru out of his stupor as he jerks his whole body forward before catching himself on his arms.
"Yeah. It's fine, don't worry about it." He cranes his neck to look at her. Her whole body is cast in shadows with their only light being the moon above them. Her silhouette is small but even if he couldn't see her nervousness, he could feel it in the way she was gnawing on her bottom lip and the nervous flickering of her eyes as she kneeled behind him with her fingers still clutching the gauze like a lifeline. Subaru turns around and drags the med-kit in front of him and offers out his hand. Petra turns her head down before peering up at him again and cautiously hands over the gauze to him which he then places back inside the med-kit.
Subaru secures the white case before tucking it away next to him as he hauls himself up on top of a trunk of a tree, listening to the sounds of the forest like he did so often back when he had been taken to The Mine for the first time and left in his own small cell to listen to the quiet dull sound of wolves howling and crickets chirping. The night air bites against the new jacket he had taken from one of the neatly folded stacks of clothes someone had made. He had felt bad for it at first but he's incredibly thankful for his foresight as he secures the buttons against his neck and huddles in on himself.
Petra, however, doesn't seem to be faring too well. She's kneeling in the center of the clearing stiff as a board like she's expecting something, even if her whole body is shivering slightly she won't move and that's when Subaru finally notes the heavy awkward silence that's resting between them. He tries to avoid looking at her directly, feeling the awkward tension really starting to crack down on them now that they have nothing to distract them with.
"You should uh... rest?" It sounds more like a question than anything which just makes him curse his complete lack of social skills.
"Okay." Petra nods vigorously but doesn't actually do anything. She just continues kneeling there in the center of the clearing, her dark eyes staring out at the forest, her whole body strung up with so much tension that her whole form bleeds it profusely.
Subaru sucks in his cheeks and turns away and instead opts to try and lay on the trunk. Which is a mistake because for all his effort he just gets a stab of pain and a lurch forward for a reward. He's completely exhausted and wants to do nothing more than to be dead to the world but the sparking embers that are seared into his skin won't give him the luxury of resting.
What's new.
Petra shuffles forward at first before shuffling backward again her head cast downwards. She hovers her hand in the space between them before snapping it back nervously over and over again. He chews on the inside of his cheek kneading the flesh while trying to figure out what exactly they're supposed to do.
Technically they're both free to do what they want. Both of them can take separate paths. Subaru could ask right now if Petra wanted to simply get up and leave Subaru and if she wanted to he wouldn't hold it against her (he would want to leave himself too). But here they are still together in the brisk cold night air.
Homeless, and on the run.
But this is better.
The taste of the crisp fresh air on his tongue, the weight that's been lifted from his shoulders, and the relief that he won't wake up the next morning only to find himself strapped to a table left waiting for his final hours.
"You can sit next to me if you want." Subaru pats the spot next to him and motions for her to come over.
Surprise is an emotion that covers Petra's face a lot. It's like she could never fathom a reason why somebody would want to have her near them. Maybe he would have worn that face too if anyone had asked Subaru the same thing. Because he could already count at least 10 reasons why he should let her go. Let her free and be somewhere safe with someone who could protect her because he is a bad, bad, bad person and he'll only get her in more and more trouble (But Subaru is selfish, he wants to keep her. He wants to keep her safe. Even if he knows he can't no matter how much he dreams and wishes.) Petra hesitates at first like she's unsure if this is really an invitation but eventually she comes closer and presses her small cold body into his. Being next to her he could feel all the shivers that rack her body and Subaru brings his hands towards her face so she could see. "Can I...?" He motions for the stolen black jacket she wore. It's a size too big but it's thick and darkly colored.
Petra nods and Subaru buttons up her jacket which he hadn't gotten the chance to do earlier too busy looking over his shoulders and guiding her through the forest to where they could find some peace and hopefully not run into another witch cultist or worse Father. Petra lets out a quiet hum when he pulls away after double-checking the buttons and drops back to her side. For a while, Petra is as rigid as a board next to him but eventually, she settles into the curve of his body even if it's a little bit awkward with both of them trying to get comfortable but eventually they both settle. Eventually, Petra lets go of all the tension that had held her body in a vice-like grip and presses her head into his shoulder.
There's some rustling as she turns her head upwards. Petra doesn't say much as she looks at the dark blanket of the night sky she simply stares at it with that odd look in her cyan eyes like she's contemplating something before she drops her gaze and closes her eyes.
Petra doesn't sleep, Subaru notes her eyes are closed but she's not asleep. Even if a large amount of tension has left her body there's still something lingering across her muscles that has sunk into her very core.
"You should sleep." His voice is raspy and his throat feels dry but that's fine. Subaru's not sure he could do much talking anyway. He doesn't know how long they sit there soaking in the quiet and listening to the sounds of the forest.
But Petra startles him out of his rest by speaking.
"That man." Her voice is so soft even in the silence. "He called you SV-01? Is... Is that your name?" Subaru winces and screws his eyes shut.
"No." He whispers back hearing the rough edges of his voice echo through the clearing as he sits in silence again to contemplate the thoughts that go through his mind. Subaru thinks about the days spent in a cramped cage listening to the low groans of pain echoing through the room. He thinks back to the blood that covered his torso constantly; his wounds never allowed to heal with each session getting more and more painful as his body twisted and contorted trying to reject what they put into him. SV-01 burns against his ears and tastes like ash in his mouth. "It's Subaru. Natsuki Subaru." Even if the syllables feel foreign like the puzzle pieces don't quite fit together anymore; That's fine. Because the way Petra says it, it's filled with so many things that Subaru can not even hope to comprehend it makes it sound like it does belong to him.
She goes rigid at first testing the word in her mouth and feeling how it feels across her tongue before her small fingers clasp around his as she whispers his name over and over again like a prayer.
Subaru doesn't dare hope he's learned a long time ago hope doesn't mean anything.
But maybe. Just this once. He'll let himself do that.
So he wishes and mouths his words into nothingness and asks the things that he knows aren't listening.
Maybe the feeling of inky black wrongness will finally dissipate.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
It had been a long night and Subaru has an even longer day ahead of him.
He had concluded last night while counting the breaths Petra took as she rested.
He'll find someone who could take care of Petra for him. He has to. No matter how difficult it would be he has to. Even if asking the villagers for help is not an option he'll find a way. Subaru has seen dirty villagers in The Mountain, they always left a sour taste in his mouth but Subaru has seen Petelgeuse.
Subaru knows how far his influence stretches. Subaru won't risk the chance that Petra won't be secured before Petelgeuse comes for his runaway project. But his brain hurts, and his mind is tired. The gears in his head turn slowly as he turns away from Petra's sleeping form and watches the pine trees turn pale green in the rising dawn. There are so many things to worry about and think about. How will he get Petra secured? Will they live their whole lives on the run now? Will Petra want to stay with him? Will they be constantly looking over their shoulders and praying that tomorrow won't be the day they're found? How about food, water, and shelter?
Warmth seeps through the dark jacket and chases away the chill that's settled in his bones. Subaru blinks blearily at dawn as everything becomes awash in a soft yellow glow as the sun stretches its honey-gold hands to reach into the dark forest. He focuses on the sunrise determined not to let all the worry and anxiety cloud his thoughts because formulating a plan is so hard right now.
The horizon is tinted a pale shade of pink with swaths of orange reaching out below it. Subaru's breath hitches and Petra starts to stir. He's seen many sunrises before in the time he spent with the dark-haired woman from his dreams. But there's something about this one: maybe it's the sun breaching the forest canopy and outlining everything under its golden lips or maybe it's how when Petra finally peels open her eyes and turns towards where Subaru is looking. At first, confusion flits across her face before her eyes suddenly snap open and her mouth forms an 'o' shape. Her pale skin is painted a soft gold as the light moves over her form.
The way her whole face seems to light up has Subaru marveling.
It's like someone had blown life into her.
It all feels so different from how he had experienced it many times before. He tucks the memory of her awe-inspired face away into the corner of his mind where he hopes it'll stay. Maybe this is what Luna was talking about when she said her mother made the experience so much better for her.
"What is that?" Her fingers trace over the pink clouds and the orange treeline over and over again like she wants this imprinted in her memory forever.
"It's a sunrise." Staying here for a bit wouldn't hurt anyone.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
Village life bustles all around them.
People are talking to others as they begin to do their daily routine. There are kids out playing while Subaru spends the day hunting for anywhere they could spend the night. He told Petra to keep a lookout for people who might be suspicious as he weaves through the crowd with her in tow.
Twice.
Twice Subaru had to duck into the forest with Petra because she had squeezed his hand and pointed behind her. They would wait for maybe what would have been minutes or hours until they felt safe again to go out into the village.
The world turns and Subaru plows on through because he'll be damned if he lets them get caught again.
He'll be damned if he lets himself get caught before he gets to see Petra off safely.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
Eventually, they find a quiet place to call home for a little while.
It's an abandoned shack with lots of loose debris but it'll have to do. They found it a little way outside the village when Petra had squeezed his hand. It's remote and there aren't any people nearby which is all Subaru really needs. Surprisingly enough no other animals are living here (aside from the occasional rat) which Subaru counts as a blessing. The fewer things that see them, the less likely they're going to be tracked.
Some parts of the roof are crumbling apart and there's a couple of holes in the ceiling with small pebbles falling through them. But most of the windows remain intact. They're dirty and difficult to see through but intact. There's only one entrance through the front but there's an exit near the back that leads out behind into a polluted yard with a wooden fence that separates the house from the forest.
The shack is mostly empty save for a basement with a couple of dusty chairs and tables that never got moved out. But after some digging from Petra, they find two plastic dusty tarps that they set up on the main level.
With a lot of effort, Subaru manages to move some of the debris around so they have a clear space to lay out the tarps and to place a wall between their little area and the front entrance. It's not much of a wall but it keeps them out of sight if they need to hide. Subaru would have liked to take the basement but the only escape path is located on the main floor near the back of the shack.
Better safe than sorry.
Subaru drops onto the ground hearing the plastic tarp crinkle under him as he lets out a long tired sigh. Petra is sitting next to him leaning against the wall, her head already drooping against her chest. For a brief moment, Subaru watches her eyelids flutter and the muscles around her shoulders loosen as she starts sagging.
"Petra." Subaru rasps his voice. It's still scratchy. Petra perks her head up, her eyes blown wide as she looks at him. This isn't a conversation Subaru can afford to avoid. Even if his throat is starting to tighten up on him and his arms shake with the effort it takes to push himself up so he's sitting up. "Petra. Do you want to stay with me?" He shuts his eyes and turns his head away. His heart does flips and his stomach churns because half of him wants her to say yes that she does want to stay with him (an awful, horrible, person like him). But the other half wants her to say no so he could get her somewhere safe with people who could take care of her, people who could put a roof over her head and wrap her in a swath of blankets. People who could read her bedtime stories and never let her go hungry.
The longer each moment drags on the louder his heart beats.
"Yes." Subaru snaps his eyes open. Petra's eyes are watering and her shoulders are starting to shake "Unless you want me to go-I-I can go-" She starts hiccuping in between words and presses her hands into her mouth as her whole body shakes. Subaru sucks in a sharp breath and pulls her in close.
"No!" (Selfish) "No I-I don't want you to go! I want you to stay with me-" (Selfish, selfish, selfish!) "I would never ask you to leave! I-I-I..." Subaru's voice starts cracking and his heart shatters into a thousand pieces as he tightens his hold enough so that his knuckles turn white. "-Just wanted to see if you wanted to stay with me." (You're going to get her killed. You can't protect her.)
Subaru tries to ignore the dark crevices of his brain as he holds Petra's still shaking form well into the night.
He can't fight the cultists who are hunting them down. He can't fight Petelguese who is no doubt searching for his missing project but he can run, right? Subaru has done plenty of running. Running from the demons that haunt his mind behind closed doors. Running from a fate worse than death, running from the doctors' with too cold gazes, running from Petelguese's burning hand, and running from the cultists he tried so hard to escape all those years ago.
Subaru's been running even from the first day in this world that he could barely remember.
He's been running his whole life.
One more day with Petra isn't that much time spent running, at least not compared to the lifetime of running Subaru has already done.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
Sometimes on bad nights when Petra does fall asleep, she'll wake up in a fit of tears in the middle of the night shivering under the second tarp and sobbing quiet tears.
Until Subaru quietly asks if she wants the company before pulling her close to his thin frame and tugging the tarp around them tightly.
Those kinds of nights will make her look up at him with her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks and her gaze burns against Subaru's skin because he's learned a long time ago that Petra doesn't use words. She doesn't speak with words. She speaks with her body and her face with the most expressive emotions that Subaru has seen in a long time. A story is told in the smallest twitch of her brow and the squinting of her eyes, and in the downturn of her lips and the biting of her cheeks. Subaru understands the words she never speaks and he'll hold onto her tighter clutching to her like a lifeline as he lets her weep.
After that, he's left with nothing but whispering promises that he's not sure he can keep. Even if he makes the promises to both of them his heart aches because he's not sure they are something he can keep.
"I'm not going anywhere okay? Father's not coming. I'll make sure of it. I'm not going anywhere Petra." They're promises Subaru doesn't want to break. "I'm not going anywhere." His voice cracks at the end.
He wants to let her keep the ability to cry because Subaru wants to cry too. Cry for everything that he's gone through and for everything that Petra has to go through. Subaru wants to cry for all the pain that lingers in his joints and the thing that stirs inside his guts and the scars that are seared across his skin like paint.
But he can't cry. Not for himself and not even for Petra's pain that haunts her eyes like ghosts.
On those nights the bubble around them becomes a quiet moment in time where the minutes slide away like sand. Swept away without a fuss by the rising tides.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
It's early morning, the rays breach through the windows in the shack and poking through the holes in the ceiling as they both quietly eat what Subaru had stolen from the bakery in the village.
It's mostly quiet save for the crunching of bread and Petra playing around with the small water bottle he had taken but something is hanging in the air.
A type of tension Subaru can't really put his finger on. It's been there since four nights ago when Petra had woken up silent instead of in tears like usual. Subaru didn't think much of it at the time simply offering her a spot next to him and she had taken it with an odd atmosphere about her.
"Why did you take me from Father?" Subaru startles almost dropping his piece of bread against the floor as he jerks up. When the light hits her face at just the right angle Subaru swears he could see the beast that haunts Petra's eyes. A familiar hulking beast that walks the same jungle of Subaru's eyes if he ever catches his own reflection in the neighboring stores.
"Because-" he pauses right there and then his tongue freezing up on him. He doesn't know what to say. What is he supposed to say?
"Did-did Father tell you that I'm a monster?" The moment suddenly feels too big for Subaru. Her voice is full of cracks as it teeters on the edge of total collapse. The words fall from her lips like a broken record would sing. Her chest starts heaving and her shoulders shake, her cyan eyes darkening for a brief moment before Subaru scoots closer to her, his whole body on edge.
"Petra?" Subaru doesn't know what to do. When she carries a look that is far too familiar than it should be. Petra tucks her head against her knees as her whole body goes rigid opposite of him. It's the telltale signs of wanting to say something but being too terrified of the consequences to really say it.
"I'm sorry I-!" Her whole body sags again. Her hands flopping to the floor as she stops shaking, "I don't deserve you." Her voice breaks after that and she starts crying again. Heaving in breaths that shake her whole body and hiccups breaking in between her garbled words. Fat tears rolling down her cheeks and dropping against the tarp with quiet little noises. "I'm sorry! I should have told you before! If-if you want me to leave-" Her words become incomprehensible again as she sobs out the bits of her soul from her lips and pouring out from her eyes. "I've been lying to you and I-I didn't want to-"
"Why would you be lying?" Subaru has an inkling of why but he's not sure if he's ready for the confirmation.
"You think I'm..." She pauses turning her head away completely while tightening her fist till her knuckles turn white but her hands fall lax as she lets out another hiccup. "I'm not a good person, Subaru. I make people disappear if I don't act good. I'm cursed! I'm a monster! I'll-I'll only give you trouble and I was-I wanted-wanted to stay-sta-stay with you! But I-I-" Her whole body shakes again and her shoulders lurch forward as she tries to breathe. The last part barely breaks through the noise of her tears. A somber aura that permeates around them like their sitting in a graveyard readying for a funeral.
This is the wall that stands between them four nights ago. A tall looming construct that is casting a dark shadow over the both of them. Subaru doesn't dare look at her now. Unsure if he's more frightened of seeing himself being reflected back or if it's how heavy the moment feels pressing against his rib-cage and shortening his breath. The magnitude of the wall stretching for miles on end and vanishing into the horizon.
"I don't want you to disappear because of me-" Subaru can barely hear her over the silence. Her voice barely above a whisper as she pulls herself into her knees waiting for something. Subaru fidgets trying to piece together a sentence that might help the sudden turn of the situation.
For a while he lets the silence hang in the air because he's too terrified if he says the wrong thing she might crumble away into dust. Petra radiates fear and anxiety-like fog that clouds his own vision until the only thing he could see was her trembling form across from him.
He's a little bit hesitant, unsure if he's doing the right thing or not. "You-" he pauses running his tongue over his dry lips again while trying to get a feel for the words, "You're not a monster." But the words feel stilted and wrong. That's not what he wants to say. It's something else.
Something to do with the beast that haunts both of them. Hunting them down constantly as it's always hot on their trail. It's hot breath puffing over their faces. Saying that won't truly unwind years worth of hearing yourself being called a monster, and an abomination. Maybe it would help. Signifying the start of threads becoming undone but that's all it was. Only the threads coming undone.
It's not the thing she needs. It's not the revelation she's searching for when her eyes implore into his. Simply waiting for something she might never get.
Subaru's not 100% if this is the right way to do things. If this is how you comfort someone or if this is how you even help someone when you're just as broken as they are.
"I'm not going anywhere Petra." His voice trembles at the last bit as he opens his arms for her and for the first time in a long time he forces a smile on his face because that's what he remembered as a child. Subaru doesn't have to see the smile to know that it doesn't fit on his face anymore and that it looks more like a grimace than anything else. "I told you this before I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you or make you leave because you think you're a monster. I'm not going to leave you because of some lie Father told you. You're not a monster Petra you never were and even if you truly, truly believe that-" Subaru sucks in a breath the air rattling his lungs and chilling his burning insides as he pushes out the words that he never thought he could, or ever would say "-even people like you get a chance. A second chance Petra. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere." No matter how many times his voice cracks and it shakes like an unsteady house he remains where he is, his back straight and planted firmly because he isn't going anywhere damn it! Fuck Father. Damn the whole goddamn world who gave them these shitty cards.
He's angry and tired all at once because he's so damn tired of looking at her haunted face and reminded that they're never safe. They always have to watch behind their backs on the constant lookout for any sort of sign that they're being followed or being caught by cultists.
He's so goddamn tired. The smile on his face is shaky at best and it's mostly a tired grimace but maybe it's the thing that she needed. Or maybe not.
Petra looks at him a little bit stunned, clutching at the stolen jacket with her small hands, her eyes boring into his own with a piercing gaze like she's searching for any lies. Subaru remains firm and doesn't waver in his stance. Uncertainty lies on her face like she can't quite believe the words he's saying.
Then in a reddish blur, she crashes into him again wrapping her small arms around him and clings to him like her life depended on it. It's a warm embrace that makes you feel all soft and mushy inside and fiercely protective as you wrap the one your closest to.
It feels just like the hug in his fading memories.
Subaru doesn't cry but he thinks it's the closest he came to crying once more.
Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting... and yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.
Petra counts the breaths that Subaru takes.
At first, she only counted them because she was scared. Terrified at the thought that he might disappear or get up in the middle of the night and never come back. But then it became a habit. The type of habit that kept her steady and reminds her that yes- he was there. He wasn't going to disappear like Father said he would.
Subaru is always there. He's always there by her side and keeping her company whenever he can. He keeps the spot next to her warm as he tells her about the world she had only seen through the glass of her window, and maybe sometimes he'll take her out and let her feel the grass tickle her bare feet. Some days they'll go outside together and walk down the street and he'll point to all the storefronts to show her what they sell. There's a bakery in the village that sells the loaves of fresh bread- a smell she often wakes up to in their little shack. Once they had gone down a little bit further than they usually did and gone inside an antique shop.
The front glass had looked worn- covered in handprints and the paint was peeling off the walls- but it was the best thing Petra had ever seen. Despite all the dust that covered everything and the grumpy look the clerk had given at them Petra had loved it. She loved picking up all the knick-knacks and feeling the ridges in between her fingers and showing them to Subaru who would answer all her questions. There were things she never heard of like straw dolls and even glass figurines! That day they spent there was her absolute favorite day, she had never seen Subaru look so soft before! His eyes twinkled like he's remembering something he had forgotten. How relaxed his shoulders were as he held her close while they played pretend with the dragon figurines.
Each time she sat next to him she drew comfort from every crevice of him, from the way he holds her hands as they were exploring the village, from the little crinkle at the corner of his eye when he gives her a soft smile, from the way the tip of his fingers feel as he brushes away a stray strand of her dirty hair. Petra loved keeping track of all the small things Subaru did because nobody at Father's place had been this kind, or open to her.
It makes her feel warm and fuzzy like her insides are all filled with goo.
But now... When they're lying on the ground staring at the dark ceiling above of them, she counts his breaths for a different reason. Not because hearing him steadies her or because it helps her sleep- but because sometimes when they lie there in this place they could call home; Subaru trembles. The body that was always so steady next to her shakes, and the breaths he takes go quick and fast. Every time he jerks it'll jostle her and she'll fight the urge to turn around to look at him because she was supposed to be asleep. Even though every night now she fights to stay awake against Subaru's wishes.
If she stays awake sometimes she'll catch him. His body shaking as weakly as the pine trees in the wind and his eyes as unseeing as the glass dragon. And then maybe sometimes she'll turn around and find his eyes screwed shut and his nails digging into the palm of his hands hard enough to bleed.
The first time she saw that happened she had cried. Wet hot tears because he hurt himself and someone so kind, and nice, and warm shouldn't hurt themselves like that! Somebody who had shown her the sunrise and told her what it was called, or carried her on his back to the flower field whenever he could- just to show her the pink sky while she was still sleepy because she told him she loved watching the sun.
This person who she wanted to give the whole world to- wasn't okay. And it hurts her- it hurts her to see him like this with trembling fingers and limbs as unsteady as she is.
Petra wants to help, she wants to be the one to hold him tight like he does and tell him it's okay.
But she doesn't know how to help him. How does she help him when his whole body goes still and she doesn't know how to reach out. Would he welcome her touch? Does he draw as much comfort from her touch as she does? Would he reject her? The thoughts run rampant through her mind as her brain refuses to move her legs. If only she could just get herself to stand up and cross the distance. He's only a couple feet away, just an arm's length away is all it takes. But she never does. Instead, her limbs lock in place and keep her huddled away with only the wooden floor as the only thing for company when Subaru leaves with a gaze that haunts her dreams. It's always so cold when he's away but she's unsure if it's okay to approach him. So instead, she just waits. And waits. Keeping her eyes on him and never moving away- and maybe sometimes he'll sit next to her with a quiet look that she never really understood and he'll disappear for a while.
His eyes going far away to some land he hasn't taken her to yet.
But it's okay. She'll wait right here for him to come back- he always comes back.
He promised her after all.
So she sits there in their corner of the world rocking back and forth as she counts the seconds it takes for him to leave, and the minutes it takes for him to come back. Separate, cold, and alone; wishing to reach out like she does every night when her small hand reaches for the stars above.
We can break down the walls that have been terrorizing us for ages. Together.
Heyo!
They've escaped! (sorta)
Hopefully you guys are enjoying this story because I know Subaru isn't haha
See you guys next week!
(Also, a little side note. I updated chapter 1 to put an italicized quote at the end. Major props to anyone who knows where it's from!)