Once again, this was published during season 7 and was a part of my season 7 theories series. Here's the original note:
As soon as May's tears filled eyes fell on her, Jemma froze. Suddenly, the room around her felt too small to breathe correctly, and May's gaze as she looked at her with such worry was too much to bear. She'd been strong enough to hold on to everything, and keep so many secrets to herself. But it was too much this time, and it hurt too bad.
Melinda May can feel emotions. What happens when she discovers how much pain Jemma's been holding on to? (season 7 spoilers, episode 7x05 predictions)
The 70s were Jemma's favorite time period they'd travel to so far. Not that she didn't like the 50s —and most especially going undercover as Peggy Carter of all people— but the 70s were definitely a lot nicer. And didn't require half as much preparation in the morning, either. Jemma had always loved the 70s, the gender liberation that had been inspired by the rise of Disco, the sexual liberation influenced by the second wave feminism and the broadening of debates on sexual disparity. She'd loved to learn about it when she was at the Academy, even when it wasn't her initial field of studies. Jemma's parents had always encouraged her to be as wild and free as she liked, and it was no surprises to anyone that she'd always had a strong opinion on feminism.
Throwing one last lingering look at herself through the mirror in front of her, she couldn't help but smile as she took in her floral shirt and yellow skirt. There was no denying the fact that the ladies (and Deke, truly) didn't exactly hate the idea of wearing several vintage clothings since the beginning of their journey through time. Being an agent of SHIELD and going into the field usually meant wearing tac gear and very practical clothes underneath, and these opportunities were certainly a first.
"Are you ready to go, Simmons?" May asked from behind her bunk's door, voice muffled by the thick metal.
"I'll be right there!"
Daisy, Coulson, Mack and Sousa had left the Zephyr in the morning, searching for any clues regarding the Chronicoms and their yet brand new plan to change the future. They had communication devices with them, something that had made Sousa's eyes bulge when he'd realized exactly what it was, and the rest of the team hadn't heard back from them yet. Which was why May had decided —after pacing back and forth on the Zephyr for two hours— to go out and walk around the town as well, and Jemma was quick to join the expedition.
Staying in the Zephyr was beginning to make her feel trapped, especially since the team walked on eggshells around her lately. It had been a week since Jemma had saved them from the exploding temple, and she knew they were burning to ask questions. She'd dodged all of them so far, staying vague whenever she felt like the subject might go back to the time they spent apart and the ache in her chest felt a little bit too painful. So walking around town in the 70s and a very cool outfit might help getting her head off the things she really didn't wanna think about, or else she might start crying herself to sleep at night again.
"Is Deke coming?" She asked after leaving her bunk, making sure to lock it behind her under May's questioning gaze.
The other woman shrugged. "I think so. He's waiting by the ramp."
As they walked towards the exit of the Zephyr, Jemma threw a curious glaze towards May. The revelation that she was now capable of feeling other people's emotions had been sort of put to the side as they'd saved Sousa from his disastrous fate, and their arrival in the 70s had prevented Jemma from running any more tests. But Jemma couldn't help but wonder if the cryo chamber she'd built had made any more changes within her friend, and she ached to ask. Fortunately for May, she'd be safe from any other examinations by their upcoming walk outside.
"Deke" May called, startling him. "You're coming?"
When he looked up, Jemma felt her breath catch in her throat. She sometimes forgot how much her grandson's eyes looked exactly like Fitz's, and someone else's that she tried not to think about. When Deke's hair was very different from Fitz's, and hers for that matter, she sometimes wondered how much of their daughter he'd taken after. It was sad, to think that Deke was the son of a child they'd never know, never raise, and never gaze upon. But there was no denying the little bits of her she could decipher when he frowned, focused on something he couldn't quite understand because he didn't come from their time. She could see so much of Fitz in him, too, and her heart clenched painfully every single time it crossed her mind.
"Yeah, if it's alright" Deke replied, his eyes immediately darting to Jemma.
Jemma knew him enough at this point to recognize his hesitation and the way he unconsciously leaned towards her, craving her approval. It had been so long for her since he'd snapped, telling her and Fitz that he couldn't quite find his place in the world no matter what he did, and she hadn't been able to fully understand then. Deke was her grandson, but she'd never had the time to fully develop a strong relationship with him. So much had happened to stop the end of the world, and then Fitz had died, so Deke had been pushed to the back of her mind until she'd found him in space. It was unfair of both Fitz and her, she logically knew it, not to worry about him. But again, Jemma hadn't been able to understand back then.
Now, as she gazed upon her grandson's face and recognized the childlike hope glimmering in his irises, she finally understood what it was that he craved so desperately. And she smiled in reply, nodding her head at the same time.
"Yeah" Jemma said. "Let's go."
"I don't think stepping in another timeline will ever get old" Jemma remarked with a smile as she looked around, gazing upon a 70s New York City.
"I'm telling you" Deke chuckled. "It doesn't."
May stood by their sides in her beautiful floral dress, looking around silently as they walked. Her gaze was as unexpressive as always, but Jemma could see the way she stepped away from anyone walking towards them, as if she was afraid of suddenly feeling overwhelmed by strangers' emotions again.
"Do we have any idea where the Chronicoms could go next?" She asked, eyes flickering to Jemma.
"I have no idea. Us being back in New York probably means something, but we need to figure out what."
"River's End isn't far, is it?" Deke asked casually. "We should go check the bunker, maybe we'll find clues regarding their next move."
Jemma's steps faltered immediately, just as May looked up sharply.
"The bunker underneath the Lighthouse" she said, turning around to face Jemma. "You think..?"
"It's a possibility" Jemma agreed. "It was built in the 70s, commissioned by General Rick Stoner as a part of the project Reclamation, designed to save catastrophic events. That sounds precisely like something the Chronicoms would aim for. We need to tell the team."
"I've got it" Deke insisted immediately, putting his sat phone out of his pocket.
As he took a few steps ahead, ducking in a small alley to contact the others immediately, May faced Jemma again.
"You think this could be it?" She pressed.
Jemma sighed. "I actually have no idea. They're always a step ahead of us, so who knows? Probably, but we'll know for sure if we go there. I don't think the location's random, it's never been so far. Out of everything I know about SHIELD history, this is the thing that comes to mind regarding the 70s." She shook her head. "Plus, without the Lighthouse, there is no future for mankind. Fitz could never save us without it, and the last of humanity wouldn't have any place to find shelter in."
May nodded. "Yeah. That would make sense."
It took Deke less than two minutes to contact the team, and he jogged back to them quickly.
"They're coming back to the Zephyr" he said, "Mack thought about it too. He said we could get there with the bikes in no time."
Jemma sighed. "So much for the walk. Let's go, then."
Just as they turned around to walk back to the direction they came from, Jemma's eyes caught sight of something that made her stop in her tracks. Right in front of her, on the other side of the street, a young mother was rocking a fussy child against her chest, looking visibly upset. Jemma could only see half of the toddler's face as he pressed his reddening cheeks against the side of her neck, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, but Jemma felt her entire world stop and her stomach drop. She hadn't once thought about the possibility of running into children during one of the missions, and she luckily hadn't so far as she'd spent most of her time on the Zephyr anyway. But now she was faced with the very thing she was trying to avoid thinking about, and she felt numb and dizzy.
"Simmons?" May asked behind her, but Jemma was frozen on the spot.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from the child's brown eyes, wet with tears and swollen red. Her mind immediately brought her back to a night not so long ago, when blue eyes similarly wet had looked up at her and begged her not to leave. She remembered the way her heart had ached in her chest, and remember how she'd thought then that this feeling was probably one of the worst she'd ever experienced.
Jemma heard more than she felt May put a hand on her arms, and suddenly the other agent was doubling over as emotions overtook her.
"May!" Deke exclaimed, hovering over her without ever touching her skin. "Nana, what's happening?"
Snapping back to the present and ignoring the single tear sliding down her cheek, Jemma immediately freed himself from May's grasp.
"We need to get back to the Zephyr" she said in a steady voice, steadier than she'd imagined being capable of conjuring.
May was now staring at her in shock, her own eyes wet as tears clung to her waterline, threatening to spill.
"What's…" May whispered, but Jemma furiously shook her head.
"Not here" she begged. "We need to go back to the Zephyr."
If Deke felt lost, he didn't show it. Thankfully for Jemma, neither of them asked any more questions as they walked back to the Zephyr, only to find out that the team hadn't arrived yet.
"Deke, would you mind staying here and making sure the team's on their way?" Jemma asked, turning to her grandson. "Please?"
She could see the questions and slight panic in Deke's eyes as he looked between her and May, but fortunately for the both of them, he didn't push. As soon as he nodded, Jemma caught May's hand, ignoring her gasp, and led her to her bunk.
"May" she whispered immediately, letting go of the other woman's hand as soon as the door was closed behind the two of them. "May, are you alright?"
She made her sit on the bed, realizing by the way May's legs shook slightly that she wouldn't be able to hold herself up any longer, overwhelmed with emotions that weren't hers to begin with. Crouching in front of her, Jemma looked up at her friend in worry as May's tears filled eyes never left he face.
"How can you…" May whispered, taking a deep, shaky breath. "How can you hold back so much pain?"
As soon as the words passed her lips, Jemma froze. Suddenly, the room around her felt too small to breathe correctly, and May's gaze as she looked down at her with such worry was too much to bear. Swallowing past the lump in her throat and the tears she could feel welling up in her eyes, Jemma let her gaze fall on May's lap. She'd been strong enough to hold on to everything for a week, and keep so many secrets to herself. But it was too much this time, and it hurt too bad.
"Jemma?" May asked again.
And Jemma let go of everything. With a heart wrenching cry, she felt tears slide down her cheeks as she sobbed, pushing her forehead against May's knee. She was vaguely aware that she should have felt at least a little ashamed by her outburst, but there was nothing but pain in her heart as she cried in familiar and comforting arms.
"Jemma, what happened?" May asked after a few long minutes, and Jemma only then realized that she was running her fingers though her hair gently. She knew she should probably care a little more about her beautiful curls, that she'd spent so much time arranging in the morning, but there was nothing that mattered at this moment besides her comforting touch. "Why are you in so much pain? What are you not telling us?"
There was so much that Jemma wanted to say. So much that she could blurt out at this moment, and share some of the weight on her shoulders. But somehow, it still felt like a well deserved punishment, to carry all of this on her own.
"Jemma" May whispered, as if she could read her mind. "Please, let me help."
Life was funny that way, in the end. May had once been what was closest to a mother figure to Jemma during the years they'd spent together in SHIELD, and she knew how much she cared for the team. Melinda May was now completely different from the woman who'd first stepped inside the Bus so many years ago, but so was Jemma Simmons.
"It's been five years" Jemma whispered after a long moment of silence, during which she managed to swallow back her tears. "It's been five years, since Fitz and I last saw you."
Even though May did not emit a sound, Jemma could feel her surprise when her fingers stopped moving against her scalp for a dull moment. Then, as if to prompt her to go on, she kept going with her ministrations, softer than before.
"We've had so much time to study the situation" Jemma kept going, closing her eyes. "It took us almost two years to find a viable solution that could actually save us all. The only thing left to do then was to upgrade the Zephyr, and we could jump backwards in time with a piece of the monolith and come get you all. But then…"
She stopped, taking a deep breath. Her heart felt like it was going to explode behind her ribs, aching in a way she didn't remember ever experiencing it before.
"Then I realized I was pregnant. I had never been as scared as I was when I looked at that positive pregnancy test, but somehow… it still felt right, you know? During my entire pregnancy, I couldn't stop thinking about that moment when I'd eventually have to leave my child to go save the world. Each passing day felt scarier than before, and when I finally had her in my arms…" Jemma chuckled wetly. "It felt like nothing mattered, except for her. My beautiful baby girl."
"Oh, Jemma."
May cradled the side of Jemma's face, pushing two steady fingers underneath her chin to force her to look up. When she did, Jemma found May's eyes filled with tears mirroring her own, and she shook her head slightly.
"I'm so sorry." May whispered. "I truly am."
"I had to leave her." Jemma sobbed. "I left my baby, and I don't know when I'm going to see her again. I thought… I thought I was strong enough to do this, but everything hurts so much."
"You are strong, Jemma Simmons" May countered immediately, her eyes flashing with determination. "You are. You are stronger than you know, and stronger than a lot of people believe. The pain you're feeling… Do you realize how strong you are, keeping this secret from us for so long?"
Jemma shook her head. "I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest the moment I jumped back in time and left Fitz and Olive behind. And now… Now I can't even know where they are, and it's killing me."
There was nothing May could have said that could ease the ache in Jemma's chest, and she knew it better than anyone. On her cheeks tears were still falling, sliding down the side of her jawline only to finish their course on her dress, wetting the fabric as she cried. Jemma's eyes were dry now, perhaps because she cried herself to sleep a little too often these days. But somehow, the hole in her chest felt a little smaller now as May framed her face between her hands, grounding her.
And with a clench of her jaw, Melina May bore her gaze into Jemma's. "Tell me about her."