Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE and the creators of Criminal Minds.
Warning: Adult language, adult situations
Chapter 65: Wednesday, August 31st, 0600-1200
Ranger's Estate
Stephanie's POV
I hear the alarm on Carlos' watch go off. I know it's time to get up, but I'm exhausted, physically, and emotionally. The last ten days have been trying on so many levels. I'm glad that this case is finally over, that we caught all the bad guys, and we are going to get justice for Julie, Tommy, and all of the other victims. I am still shocked at the extent to which Dickie was involved. While I had known for a long time that he wasn't as honorable as I thought when I first met him when I was still young and naïve, I didn't think he was this cruel. But then again, he is related to Terry Gilman.
Carlos kisses my forehead. "Good morning, Babe. Are you going to join me for a run?"
"No, Carlos, not this morning. I'm exhausted. Do you mind if I skip the run today?"
"No, Babe, go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you. I love you." He says before kissing me. He leaves the bed for the bathroom, emerging a few moments later to put on his running shorts, socks, and sneakers. Since we've been at the house, Carlos has started to forgo wearing a shirt while running. He usually takes it off about a mile in.
Dr. Karen is coming over today at seven thirty. I want to be ready for her. I have so much to talk to her about. I've made some decisions, but I need her support and her advice on how to reach my objectives. I stay in bed until six thirty, then I decide to get up. I take a quick shower, well, quick for me. Thirty minutes later, I'm clean, shaved, and moisturized. I pull on a pair of bicycle shorts in black and one of Carlos' t-shirts. I put a pair of black ankle socks on to complete my look. I want to be comfortable when I meet with Dr. Karen.
I head downstairs for coffee and a quick breakfast after checking in on Tommy, who is still sleeping. I see Lester and Bobby in the kitchen when I enter.
"Good morning, Beautiful. No run today?" Lester greets me.
"No. I had to get ready for my appointment this morning with Dr. Karen."
"Stephanie, it's great that you are seeing Dr. Karen and dealing with your past. It is important for not only your mental health but your physical health as well. Stressing out about things or living in fear and denial can lead to serious health conditions." Bobby adds.
"She is helping me to cope with everything that has happened to me, as well as adjusting to my new life as a mother. It's hard. I never thought I wanted this kind of life, but now that I'm living it with Carlos, it's not that bad."
I open the cabinet and decide to try some multigrain Cheerios in some plain Greek yogurt with cut up strawberries and bananas. I must say my little parfait is mighty tasty. As I'm finishing my yogurt, Carlos walks in.
"Babe, I didn't expect you up so soon."
"I'm meeting with Dr. Karen in about five minutes."
"Right. That's today. With everything going on, I forgot that today was Wednesday. She's due here at seven-thirty, right?"
"Yes, seven-thirty, which means she can be here any minute now." Just as I finished my statement, the doorbell rang. Carlos and I walk to the front of the house.
"I'm heading upstairs to take a shower. I'll be in the kitchen with the kids, then I'll be working from home. I'll be in my office if you need me. I love you."
Every time Carlos says he loves me; wonderful little butterflies fill my stomach. I still can't believe that he loves me. I desperately want to tell him that I love him too, but for some reason, the words won't leave my mouth. I arrive at the door and open it to Dr. Karen. We exchange pleasantries and agree to meet today in the media room. I wanted privacy, and the media room is about as private as I'm going to get right now.
I settle on a chair across from Dr. Karen, sitting with my legs tucked under me.
"Stephanie, have you decided where you are staying?" Dr. Karen asks me.
"I am going to stay here, in Miami, with Carlos, Julie, and Tommy. I love Julie and Tommy too much to pick up and leave right now."
"Does this mean that you are considering moving away from them shortly?"
"No, yes, I don't know," I answer, truthfully.
"Stephanie, what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong."
"Stephanie," Dr. Karen starts to say before I cut her off.
"I'm fine."
"How is your relationship with Carlos? Have you been intimate yet?"
"Yes, sort of."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, we fool around, but we haven't had sex yet."
"What exactly have you been doing, Stephanie?" Asks Dr. Karen.
I can't believe she wants details. I barely like talking about it with Carlos. Now I must discuss it with a doctor? I really want to avoid this discussion altogether.
"Stephanie, dear, I know it's hard to talk about what we do behind closed doors, under the sheets, so to speak. I understand that your upbringing has told you that it is wrong to discuss the intimate details of your life with others, but I must tell you, there is nothing wrong with talking about your sex life."
I feel myself blush before I take a deep breath and share with Dr. Karen.
"We, well, we kiss a lot, touch each other, and bring each other to release. We've gotten to third base. We've given each other oral sex, but I know that Carlos wants more. I know that he wants to have sex with me. And I hate myself. I know that I'm teasing him, that I keep leading him on. Kissing him back, touching him, making him feel good before I stop him from doing the ultimate act. Yesterday he told me that his control is starting to slip, and he doesn't know how much longer it will be before he has to have me. I know he's trying hard not to push me to have sex with him before I'm emotionally ready. Physically, I want to have sex with Carlos, but emotionally, I just can't bring myself to complete the act."
"Why are you calling yourself a tease? You are reciprocating with Carlos, you are both giving each other orgasms, is that correct?"
"Yes, but I feel like each time, he thinks that I'm ready for sex, but I'm not. I don't fully trust him yet."
"Why don't you trust Carlos? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him before? Has he ever forced you to do something you didn't want to do?"
"No, never. Carlos is the only man that I do trust, to a certain extent. But it seems that all my boyfriends are trustworthy until we start a relationship. Then, for some reason, the dynamics change. When I first starting dating Dickie, he was a gentleman. He didn't try to get into my pants right away, and he took the time to get to know me, or so I thought at the time. However, once we got engaged, that all started to change. He forced me to experiment more, making me let him take me from behind, trying to put his thingy in the wrong hole. Every time he tried that, it brought back the images from my rape. I tried to tell Dickie about my rape once, but he didn't want to hear it.
"Then, when Morelli and I started to date, he was kind and gentle. He was a fun lover making our time in the bedroom easy-going. That is until he decided he wanted butt stuff with me. Even though he never forced me to do anything, I could never fully trust him, which I'm not sure why that is."
"Maybe you never fully trusted Joe because he is the person who raped you the first time. He is the one who forced himself on you, a young and naïve girl who was innocent. He used you for his own release, then wrote about you all over town. He didn't care about your reputation at the time, all he cared about was his gratification. Even though Morelli changed, became a man and more mature, deep down inside you still don't trust him. It is very understandable."
Dr. Karen is right, of course. Both Morelli and Dickie have proven themselves to be unworthy of me. I think about the implications of what Dr. Karen is telling me.
"My dear, I think Carlos has proven himself worthy of you. What man, especially a man like Carlos, keeps himself celibate while the object of his desire is having sex with another man? What man will stop after the oral sex, even though he wants more than that? Stephanie, I believe that when you and Carlos finally consummate your relationship, you will make love, not have sex. However, until you are one hundred percent honest with yourself about your fears, you will never get over this hurdle. What are you afraid of Stephanie?"
"I'm afraid that the sex between us won't be good enough. I know Carlos has had many more sexual partners than I. I know many of those women were probably much more adventurous than I. I know that I'm not pretty enough to be with Carlos. Carlos is exquisite. Women walk into walls and drop things when they see him, especially when he smiles. Compared to him, I'm a plain Jane with a small, unimpressive chest. I am a disaster. I can't cook, I hate to clean, and I am constantly getting myself into dangerous situations where I need someone to come to rescue me. Finally, my biggest fear is that Carlos will grow bored with me and will either leave me or cheat on me. If he were to do either, he'd kill me. I couldn't survive his rejection."
"I, unfortunately, cannot guarantee that Carlos will never leave you or cheat on you, but from observing your interactions and talking to him briefly, I believe, in my gut, that you will both be together until the day one of you dies. I advise you to talk to Carlos. Tell him how you feel. Tell him about your fears. I also think you need to let him try to help you overcome your fears in the bedroom. Anal sex can be exhilarating for both parties if it is done correctly and with consent. However, if you are not comfortable with experimenting, and even if you are, you and Carlos need to set some ground rules ahead of time. It is important for you to be able to tell him to stop, or no, and expect him to stop, to listen to you. I suggest that you talk things through beforehand. Let him explain what he will be doing and why. If you know what to expect, to anticipate his movements, you will relax, and quite possibly enjoy experimenting.
"Most important, Stephanie, is to go slow. Don't try to expand your horizons too quickly, because it will only hinder your healing. You need to set clear cut boundaries ahead time. Both you and Carlos need to agree with the boundaries and respect them. I can call Carlos in here, and you can talk to him with me in the room, or you can talk to him on your own. Either way is fine, and you need to do what you are comfortable doing. Once you set your boundaries, you need to try to make love to Carlos. But what do you really want? Do you want to stay with Carlos? Do you love him enough to be the mother-figure to his daughter, to help him raise his child? Do you want to raise Tommy? Those are the questions you need to answer now. The rest will come later. It is not important to decide today if you will get married or have children of your own. You have plenty of time to decide on those particulars."
I sit back on the couch and really consider everything Dr. Karen is saying. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want to stay with Carlos. He is my other half, the only man that I ever truly loved. I love Julie. I love spending time with her. I can picture myself helping her get ready for school dances and navigating the teenaged love years. As far as Tommy goes, I'm already in love with him. I can't imagine turning him over to complete strangers. I finally can answer Dr. Karen's questions.
"I want Carlos. I want to stay here with him. I want to help him raise Julie. If he wants, I would also love the opportunity to help Carlos raise Tommy. I want to be a family."
"Now, Stephanie, go out and get your family. Talk to Carlos. Be honest and open. If you need to write your notes in your journal first to help you decide, please do so. The sooner you talk to Carlos, the sooner you can start to heal."
We continue our session, talking about my routines with the kids. She tells me what to expect when both children go to school, how I can help them navigate some of the situations they might come across. I hope I don't have to be that parent. Carlos is the intimidating one. When our session was over, I felt a thousand time lighter. Tonight. Tonight, I'll talk to Carlos about our future.
TNTCE
A/N: Once again, thank you for sticking with this story. I have a few loose ends left to tie up, and I want to do justice to Stephanie and Carlos. I'm a little torn at where I want their relationship to be at the end of this story, but I know where it will be at the end of the series. Part of me wants it to end one way, but I don't feel that it is realistic. The other part of me wants that ending to happen in Part II. So, I guess I'll just have to see where my muse takes me.
Thank you for your comments, and to those who leave constructive criticism, I never take it to heart. I am not a military person and know nothing of who the military works, guns, or maneuvers. So whenever someone can shed some light on the real way of military life, I enjoy that insight. It helps me to be a better writer. I try my hardest to be as realistic as possible with homes, distances, and scenes. Google has become my best friend. And yes, I do take some artistic license when I need to, usually with the design of the houses.
I try to research the best I can, but I'm limited by my own experiences, so those who have first-hand knowledge, please always let me know if something doesn't sit right or ring true. I strive to be accurate, and any help you can give me is appreciated.
Thank you, Susan, for making sure my writing is clear and true to my intentions. Thank you, my readers, for pushing me and giving me the encouragement I need to keep writing.