A/N: It's been a while since I wrote a real, in-depth, episode-centric piece about pre-Shules pining, but I figured what better episode to do that for than "Christmas Joy", this time of year?

This is a bit more simple than some of my latest stuff has been, but I do hope you enjoy it! Thought it would be fun to do a little study on Shawn in this episode.

As always, I don't own Psych. The title comes from "All I Want for Christmas is you".

This has not been the best Christmas of Shawn Spencer's life. Not that he quite expected it to be; even though he leads a charmed life and he certainly spends much more time on childish frivolity than your average thirty-something, once you're an adult, Christmas never quite matches up to the joy you felt in childhood.

Part of him still longs for that, the way Christmas once was, before his parents split up and before he realized Santa wasn't real. (Although that happened particularly early on, thanks to the detective skills his father had insisted on instilling in him.)

But this year, his dad is spending Christmas with old friends, and while Shawn's not unwelcome at his dad's house (although—is he ever entirely welcome there?) it's just not where he wants to be. And now his apartment is infested with fleas, so he can't stay there, and he feels a little bit lacking in the department of "home", which Christmas is definitely supposed to provide.

So that's how he ended up staying with the Gusters, where he's also neither entirely welcome nor unwelcome. Well, for now, they've welcomed him quite pleasantly, but he doesn't exactly expect that to last, not if they ever find out about him and Joy. The welcome therefore feels a little tentative, contingent on them never finding out. And that doesn't exactly allow for the feeling of home, of Christmastime, either.

And maybe that's why he takes the case. When Brittany had shown up in the Psych office to plead her case, he'd been reminded of what it was to be a kid at Christmas. And he'd been reminded of the fact that nothing really made him feel at home like solving a case.

In fact, when he and Gus had taken Joy to show her the Santa Barbara Police Department, it had occurred to him that he never really felt more at home than when working on a case specifically for the SBPD, which would have come as a big surprise for his younger self.

But he feels a particular warmth, today. Maybe it's the time of year, but walking into the station and seeing Jules, Chief Vick, even Lassie—maybe home, family, can be found somewhere else, if not at his dad's house this year.

And then there was a moment with Jules at the station earlier, where he'd placed his hand on her shoulder, just for a second, to say thank you, and yet something about that had struck him. They'd been doing that more and more lately—touching in little, innocuous ways-and those moments always seemed to stick with him, popping into his mind over and over again until another…something happened to distract him.

But he doesn't have time to dwell on that half second today, not with all that's going on with Joy and with this Santa con man. So, he tries to push it out of his head, tries to focus on his tryst with Joy, even attempting to sneak into her room, but it keeps coming back, just like always, no matter how much he tries to ignore it, no matter how desperately he tries to rewire his brain to think more about Joy and less about Juliet.

But then the next day, he and Gus head out to Solvang to investigate, and Lassie and Jules meet them there, appearing on the scene suddenly, as they always do.

He tries not to dwell on Juliet's appearance, but she's wearing green, and he loves when she wears green. She doesn't wear it terribly often, but whenever she does, it's all he can do to keep from staring at her.

Her eyes are the brightest blue he's ever seen, and he loves the way they look when she wears blue, like she did yesterday at the station, but when she wears green, the little green flecks in her eyes stand out, creating an entirely different effect. It's actually astonishing, sometimes, how much time he could spend just looking at her, if it wouldn't make him look like a total creep.

It's just that there really is no one quite like Juliet, and he's reminded of that every time he looks at her.

But now is decidedly not the time to dwell on that, not here, not with the little glances he can feel Joy giving him, the way she keeps looking at him almost expectantly. It feels different, this time, with Joy, and not just because he's now old enough to really care about the fact that it would really tick Gus off to see them together.

But he definitely feels guilty now, standing here, discreetly admiring Juliet in green, trying to memorize the way those little green flecks are making her eyes shine like emeralds instead of their usual sapphire. He's not sure when he became such a gem expert (Gus's influence, obviously), but he has to believe that neither of those stones have anything on Juliet's eyes.

"We're not dealing with con artists," she says, "we're dealing with murderers."

It's an inappropriate time to smile—Shawn knows it's an inappropriate time to smile, and yet he can't help himself. He always appreciates the way Juliet is calm in the face of things like this, when who else would be?

"Shawn, what the heck? What are you looking at?" Juliet asks.

He tears his eyes away from her, waking up, snapping back to attention as Gus, Joy, and even Lassiter turn to stare at him.

"You just look festive, Jules," he says, because he can't think of anything else, and she does. She blushes, and he takes a moment to enjoy that, the way he always does when he flirts with Jules. He consciously decides not to look at Joy, which simultaneously is a relief and makes him feel guilty.

"Spencer, can you focus for one second, please?" Lassiter asks, exasperated.

"You know, Lassie," he says, calmly, cheerfully, "it's actually good for the brain to focus on multiple things at once."

"That's true," Juliet comments, and he smiles at her. Every once in a while, she'll help him out, back him up, when he's teasing Lassiter or trying to take him down a notch, and it's always a delightful surprise when she does.

"Spencer," Lassie growls. "I do not care what is good for your brain right now. In fact, so far today, you haven't yet proved to me you have one."

"Harsh," Shawn says, nodding, "but fair."

He can't shake the distraction, though, little signs and hints popping into his head uncontrollably, the same way clues do whenever he solves a crime.

Like, for instance, the fact that he hadn't really cared, the day before, when they'd happened upon Lassie flirting with Joy. Part of it was probably because Lassie wasn't at all Joy's type, which made sense, seeing as Lassie and Shawn were polar opposites—with Lassie being the South Pole, obviously, that dude would never make it up north with Santa—so there wasn't a lot to be overly concerned about.

But also, it hadn't escaped his notice that he didn't really mind if other guys flirted with Joy, or even if she flirted back, and that's something that he should probably pay attention to. After all, the thought of Jules with Cameron Luntz had driven him crazy, and not just because Luntz was a total jackass with old-man-boobs.

He just hadn't wanted to see Juliet with anyone else at all. He hadn't had that same reaction when it came to Joy. Obviously, he still didn't want to watch her flirt with anyone, but it hadn't really gotten to him, hadn't gotten under his skin and completely taken away his ability to focus on anything the way it had when Juliet had shown interest in someone else.

He's not stupid. He knows all of this stuff matters, all of this adds up to something he definitely needs to spend time thinking about and working out at some point, it's just that the question is whether that point needs to be right now or not.

It doesn't, not if this thing with Joy is only temporary. And he sees no reason why it wouldn't be—after all, she's only home briefly, just for the holidays, and it's just a fling, nothing serious. He has no reason to believe she'll have any expectations of anything once she leaves again. It was just a fling ten years ago, and it can be just a fling again now.

But then…maybe he's growing up or something, but he's just not as excited about her as he feels like he should be. He's certainly not as excited about her as he once was, ten years ago, the first time all of this happened. And, if he's honest with himself, he's probably not as excited about her as she deserves. But he hasn't had much time to think about all of that, between this case and being unable to stay in his own apartment, and it being Christmas and all.

But then he's with Jules again—just him and her this time, after Gus had found out about the fling and the whole thing unraveled, and before he knows it, he's telling her that he and Gus had a fight, trying to explain Gus' sudden absence without making himself sound like an awful person.

The thing is, though, he realizes suddenly, that he doesn't want Juliet to find out about him and Joy. He's not afraid of her reaction, or anything like that, it's just that, for some reason he can't explain, something in the pit of his stomach is telling him that he shouldn't tell Juliet that this thing between him and Joy has picked up again.

He just doesn't want Juliet to know. Granted, she probably will take Gus's side in all of it—somehow, he doesn't think hooking up with your best friend's only sibling is really kosher in the Juliet O'Hara Moral Code—but his real reason is underneath all of that, outside of it. Which is stupid, probably. He's not dating Jules, after all, and he never has been.

And yet, the idea of telling her about being with Joy is almost embarrassing to him. Being with Joy isn't the embarrassing part, of course. She's a knockout, and she's brilliant, and funny, and warm, and in any other circumstance, he would probably think that she's pretty perfect. She always had been, when they were kids. Always had been until now. Now, though, it almost feels like telling Juliet that he's been unfaithful to her, which of course, makes no sense at all. He is not Juliet's, and she isn't his, and there's no reason that any of the decisions they make with regards to dating should have any bearing on each other.

And yet, he heard through the grapevine that Juliet had never gone on her re-scheduled date with Cameron Luntz, having called it off for a reason no one in the gossip mill seemed entirely sure of, and he can't help wondering if that had anything to do with their stroll on the boardwalk the night before.

Nothing had happened, on that stroll—well, not exactly, anyway. In fact, they hadn't even held hands or anything, although Shawn had noticed that a few times Juliet's fingers had brushed against his as they walked, and she hadn't apologized or pulled away. He'd caught her looking at him when she thought he wasn't looking—not that she could help it, after all, he'd warned her about how good he looked in the golden hour—and she had blushed a little when she noticed the way that he was looking at her.

And he had been looking at her, hadn't stopped himself from admiring her in her date outfit, her hair long and smooth and loose and impossibly golden, like it had been woven from pure gold like that fairytale—what was it? The one with the mean little dwarf guy that wanted someone's first-born child? Trumpet-skin or something? Oh well, it didn't really matter—anyway, Shawn had been so tempted to reach over to her, run his fingers through her hair, just for once, just to appease that craving that he'd had for a while. He wasn't entirely sure she would have stopped him, either.

But in the end, he hadn't done it; he'd played it safe, the way they always seemed to play it safe, and yet, she'd called her date off. She hadn't told him that she was going to do so, or anything, and he hadn't even heard that she had from her, but he couldn't help hoping that that had something to do with him.

And then—now—Joy had shown up, and he felt guilty for caring that she was here, and he felt guilty for not caring, as much as he should, that she was here, and he also felt confused that there was any guilt at all, given that he wasn't even dating Juliet and never had been.

So really, there's no reason he has to tell Jules that this is going on again. He can make it sound as though it was something that happened in the past—and it was, that's not even really a lie—and he doesn't have to report that they'd been all over each other when Joy arrived yesterday.

But why does this omission of the truth have to feel so very much like lying to her? Why does it feel so much like he's cheating?

In the end, he doesn't tell her that it's going on again, which doesn't help the guilt at all. But her reaction to the very fact that it had ever happened is enough to feel like not telling her is exactly the right decision. She calls the very idea of him being with Joy "inappropriate", which isn't totally unfair, and a part of him is happy to see her reacting so aversely to the idea of it, even of it happening ten years earlier.

"Don't worry," he tells her, before he even knows the words are coming out of his mouth, much less what he means by them, "it was way before I knew you."

"Why would that matter?" she asks, already a little too defensive.

He tries to stop himself from smiling at her tone. "It might."

"It doesn't," she says, again, far too defensively—Jules has always been a rotten liar.

"It could," he says, giving her a pointed look.

"It won't," she counters, trying to look firm and sure of herself. Shawn knows her well enough, though, to see that her insistence is, without a doubt, something of a façade. And besides, the look she gives him just afterward (while he dares himself not to look at her lips, and fails) betrays her.

It makes him happy, because it looks a hell of a lot like how he'd felt when he'd heard she was dating Luntz. It has nothing—well, little—to do with Luntz himself, and he suspects (or maybe hopes) that Jules' reaction to his history with Joy actually has very little to do with Joy herself. No, instead, he thinks maybe Juliet is reacting to the fact that he was dating someone (even though "dating" is a bit of a stretch), and even though he knows she would deny it—she does deny it—he's pretty sure he's not wrong in his assessment of the situation.

And he's pretty sure Jules knows and agrees that he's not wrong, if the way she'd been so quick to insist that it didn't matter is any indication. Yes, the fact that he's with someone would definitely bother her, and not that he wants to bother her, but it's nice to know that it does, in the end, matter to her. She does care. He's not crazy, after all, for thinking that her cancellation of that date with Luntz wasn't completely unrelated to that almost-date on the boardwalk.

The problem is that now this thing with Joy is out in the open, out in front of all the Gusters, and he's not entirely sure what to do with that, because what if there's an expectation now that this thing with Joy is it?

That was why he had never told Gus when it happened, the first time. Well, there were a number of reasons—Gus was off at college, and things were different between them, then. It had always been a little weird, that Gus went off to college—followed the normal path, like was expected of him—and Shawn had not, instead heading in and out all over the country. He'd stayed in contact with Gus, of course—with the kind of friendship they had, nothing really could ever come between them—but it had been different, and he hadn't wanted to explain to Gus what was happening with Joy, afraid of an adverse reaction when there wasn't going to be a future.

And that's the crux of it now. This thing with Joy is fun, and Joy is great, but there's a distinct feeling within him that he can't quite define. This isn't it, and he had always kind of hoped that when something—someone—was it, he would know. And the fact is, the it feeling has never happened with Joy, but he's starting to suspect he's seen bits and pieces of it with someone else.

But he doesn't know how to say any of that to Gus. Gus has always commented that Shawn's tendency to flit around from relationship to relationship would eventually culminate in disaster, but telling Gus about all of this was sure to be a disaster even Gus couldn't foresee.

And in the end, it was, it had been. Gus hadn't responded in any way that Shawn wouldn't have been able to predict, after all. In fact, out of all the surprises Shawn had witnessed this Christmas—a wise man who'd been murdered, Santa being a con artist, every single person in the Guster household holding on to some crazy secret—it had probably been the least surprising portion of the holiday.

By the end of the night at last, the case is wrapped up, which Shawn had to do without Gus thanks to the Joy fiasco, and Shawn realizes that it's much harder without his partner. Juliet is congratulating him, and he can feel her eyes on him, and he's hardly even processing it, just trying to figure out how he's going to get out of this mess with Gus and Joy, and…Jules.

Before long, they've finished processing the scene, and everyone is ready to get home, get on with their festivities. Well, everyone except Shawn, of course, who feels no particular inclination to get on with whatever the rest of this Christmas will bring.

He finishes giving his statement to Juliet, dragging it out as long as possible, both so he doesn't have to immediately figure out where he's going to go, and also because Juliet is wearing some red and black plaid dress that looks fantastic on her. Whether he's ready to admit it to himself or not, deep down, he knows as he looks at Jules that he has very much made up his mind about Joy.

She's turning away from him to head back to the station before he really knows what's happening, but at the last second, he thinks maybe he wants to say one more thing to her, to find a way to give some closure to the questions he's been asking himself over the last three days, find some way to acknowledge that Juliet's defensiveness from earlier wasn't lost on him, and that it, in fact, had probably given him all the answers he needed.

"Oh, Jules? One more thing," he calls, as she walks away.

She turns back, looking at him.

"It will," he says, and grins at her, knowing full well that she'll understand exactly what he means. It may be wrong, but he can't help himself, he can't keep himself from saying it.

She pauses for a second in confusion, and then understanding washes over her. She rolls her eyes, but can't keep the smile off of her face. "Merry Christmas, Shawn."

It's not much, but it's something, and something inside him settles a little bit. For the first time this Christmas, he starts to feel a little bit at home.

"Merry Christmas, Jules."

A/N: Merry Christmas, all! Hope you had a lovely day, if you celebrate! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! As always, feel free to share any feedback you might have! I would love to hear it!

I've got a new piece coming around New Year's, and it's a bit of an AU, which is new for me, so keep an eye out for that!