Chapter 20

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky..."

Jane Taylor, 1806

Wednesday, November 19, 1997 – Los Angeles – a little after midnight

Home...

Enos couldn't remember a time when he didn't think about home, not a place to live, but some far-off future thing, something to work for, to dream of. It seemed so easy for everyone else who fell in love, got married, had a couple of kids. Why was it so hard for him? If he was honest with himself, home was not something he'd ever thought he would actually have – that it would forever and always be out of reach. The closest he had ever come to it in his adult life was with Inez and Aaron – so real sometimes, he could almost touch it. Yet, not what he longed for.

Staring at the shadows on the ceiling, he was plagued by the same nagging thought he'd had for a week. He'd stupidly allowed himself to think it would last. He'd had a solid chance...at putting down roots, at having a home – one that was his, one he could share. He had allowed himself so much hope, the Thursday before Halloween, he had called Mr. Hargrove and told him he was taking the option to buy the property.

Like the pans after pie makin' day now, nothin' left but the crumbs. Now he would need to call Mr. Hargrove again and rescind the offer.

Soonie had given him a glimpse of what life could be like without the constant loneliness and the abiding ache that came with thinking nothing would change. It was cruel in a way – what she had done to him - carved out a place in his heart - forever only a deep, bottomless, unfillable hole without her.

If he was going to do what he had to do, he couldn't put down roots, make a home, or drag anyone else into it. Not now. Not yet. Giving up Soonie was unimaginable three weeks ago. Now, he could already feel the pain of it under his rib cage, constricting his heart and making its way into his throat.

With Hebert dead, the immediate threat was gone. At first, he told himself staying with Soonie would keep him from being put back into the hospital, or at the very least, keep him from being treated like he was going to break at any minute. He had told himself staying at her place simply made more sense. If she wouldn't go to San Francisco, at least she was where he could keep an eye on her, protect her. He told himself her apartment was a bigger space for him and Thompson to work. Those were excuses. He knew it. He knew it even as he was thinking it. He was selfish, holding on for dear life, hoping he could hold on and knowing he probably couldn't.

They were living together, but they weren't sleeping together. He'd at least maintained some self-control.

Soonie grounded him. He knew what it was like to smell her scent in his clothes all day long. He came home to her, she fed him and Thompson while they worked on the case, and he went to bed – in the guest room. Made it all the harder for him to leave. Maybe Aunt Judy was right. He was the one who made everything difficult.

Hope has a strange, hypnotic power, and the Universe has a wicked, sadistic sense of humor.

He'd told Daisy they were fated to be together and that the apple peel proved it. The apple peel had fallen at his feet. The prophecy hadn't foretold Strate. It was for Soonie.

Or maybe it was for 'solitary', and he was fated to be alone, forever. It was his last thought before he fell into a troubled sleep.

Enos awoke a couple of hours later to find Soonie sitting on the edge of the bed, clad only in his plaid shirt. In the seconds before he was fully awake and aware she should not be there, he touched the front of the shirt next to the pocket where the dumpling had fallen and wished she hadn't done such a good job getting out the stain. If it was still there, he would never wash the shirt, if only to prove to himself that once, for a moment in time, he'd known what bliss was.

She put her hand gently on his chest and said, "There is something I must tell you."

...and he realized she was real.

He sat upright in bed, careful not to touch her. "It can't wait until morning?"

"No, it cannot. I am going to have to go to Seoul."

"...Why?"

"Eun-kyung's maternal grandparents are contesting my brother's will. They have filed for custody."

"But you're her legal guardian."

"Not if I do not appear before the Ministry in person. I cannot bring her here, back to the US, without going to Korea first."

"When did you find this out?"

"I have known for a while there might be some difficulty. I had hoped to be able to resolve it through Uncle's attorneys. They have not been able to find a way. The laws about taking Korean born children out of the country are complex."

She laid her head into his chest before he had a chance to stop her. He felt his self-control beginning to slip.

"How can they contest the will?" Having her so close was almost too much for him to bear. "Their daughter left Gem, she just left her..." Though he'd seen it over and over again on-the-job and working at the community center, Enos still could not understand how a mother could abandon her child.

Soonie put him partially out of his misery by removing her head from next to his heart.

"No one knows where that vile woman is. If her parents know, they are not saying. According to Uncle, they will say Jae-sung was guilty of neglect and not a fit father to have left her."

"That makes no sense. He was helping people."

"It will not matter to a minister or judge whose only job is to make sure Korean children do not leave the country irresponsibly. The climate surrounding the adoption of Korean children is under some pressure and is being scrutinized much more carefully. That much we know. If I do not make an appearance in a Ministry court by the end of the month, they will take Eun-kyung from my father until the matter is settled."

Enos wanted to take hold of her hand, but he stopped himself. "You still haven't talked to your father."

"No. However, if he wants to keep Eun-kyung, he will have to speak to me, if only through an attorney."

Enos could tell she was struggling with something. Her eyes closed, and her expression was the one she displayed when choosing her words carefully.

"I must go," she said, "but I do not want it to be a choice between you and my niece. I came to ask you about the promise."

He pulled his knees to his chest under the cover and rested his arms on them – a barrier between them he needed to establish.

"You said you could not make any promises to me until you talked to Daisy…until you told her about us."

"That was before all this happened. I can't make any promises to you I can't keep."

"Then you are forcing me to make a choice."

"It isn't a choice, Soonie. That little girl needs you. You have to go."

"Yes, I do. I was hoping it would be knowing you will be here when I return."

"I can't promise you that either."

"I can see where this quest of yours is leading. It is what I have been afraid of. You are going off to find Kate."

"I have to, Soonie. I have to. No one else is gonna' have the same motivation."

"I know you do. And I would not try to stop you. What I do not understand is how it prevents you from making a promise to me?"

"I can't ask you to wait around for me."

"And you will let me go, without any kind of future to look forward to, with no hope that, out of all this, we can find something good to hold onto."

"What I have to do. I have to do it alone. I can't put you in danger. If something happened to you..."

"Like dying in a car accident or a drive-by or an outbreak of hostilities between South and North Korea?"

Though she had gotten up and was walking away from him, she had his attention now, motivating him to throw off the covers and sit on the edge of the bed. He gripped the mattress to keep from catapulting himself in her direction.

"Those would at least be sudden," she said, stopping before she reached the open door. "If we waste what time we have, even a minute of it, and I lose you...If you walk away from me, I will die...but it will be the slow torture of loneliness and heartbreak."

She turned back to him. "Or perhaps my plane will crash, and you will not have to worry about whether or not you are responsible."

She might as well have shot him through the heart.

He was out of the bed and grabbed her arm before she could finish. He swung her around and pulled her to him, locking his left arm around her body. He looked at her for the longest time before he said, "Will you do something for me?"

"I will do anything."

"Play for me?"

"I...I am standing here, in nothing but your shirt...and you want me to play for you?"

He nodded slowly, still holding her, and said, "Later," while he unfastened the last of the three buttons remaining between him and...

Home.