Chapter 1
I am not the kind of person to get panic attacks. From a young age, adults always labeled me as either reckless or fearless — or both. I have never backed away from a challenge. I know I have the tendency to become a bit too loud and too much of a hot-head sometimes. I don't even remember how many times I got scolded by Daichi or the coach for it. I know I can do stupid stuff.
But I am not the type of person to get scared easily.
And still here I am, very much enduring something like a panic attack.
Man, it's horrifying.
Three minutes ago, I had locked myself up in the toilet stall of the club room. There is just no way in hell that any of my teammates are going to see any of this. I am still there, kneeling down on the floor. I put one hand to steady myself against the toilet seat — ignoring how gross that actually is — the other hand automatically balled into a fist.
Something is happening to me, but I don't understand it. All I know is this overwhelming feeling of fear invading my whole body. The walls of the already small stall are getting closer and closer. In the hope to make it all stop I close my eyes. It doesn't work. The feeling of getting crushed by everything — even by the fucking air — is overwhelming.
Just breathe. Just breathe. Just fucking breath. But there is not enough air in the room, or there is not getting enough air in my lungs, or my lungs just decided to stop working. Whatever it is, I don't know and I don't care. I just want it to stop. Aside of the fear and the feeling of getting crushed, now I also feel like getting suffocated. I can tell you, not a very pleasant feeling. I know I need to get my breathing under control, but it is only getting faster and faster.
A sudden image flashes before my eyes. I squeeze my eyes harder shut — hoping that it will all disappear.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
A loud sound and then glass shattering on the floor. I was just getting sleepy, a long day of training had tired me out. My parents weren't home, so I decided to watch some action movie before bed. The moment the alarming sound made its way to me, I shot upwards. The sleepy feeling immediately replaced by alertness and adrenaline. My parents have always warned me about buglers. We have got it pretty good after all, or actually, we have it better than most people, money wise. And that can attract people that are jealous or who feel like they don't have any option left then to steel.
Point being, especially my mom has always been a bit worried whenever they left on a longer business trip. I always laughed it away, saying that I would be careful, but that I was though and would scare any bad person away anyway.
That was a joke though. I never thought something like this actually would happen.
So, I hear the sound of glass shattering and the first thing I think of is an animal. I jump up, hoping that it hadn't wounded itself and make myself ready to catch it. Back in my head I am already thinking about how good of a story this will make, surely Tanaka will be impressed. I excitingly sprint towards the dining hall, but the moment I get there I stop.
There is indeed glass on the ground, together with some blood. The window towards the garden is broken.
And right in the middle of the room are three big man.
No, no, no, no, no.
No
Get out of it. I need to get out of my head.
I gasp for air when I notice a sharp pain forming in the palm of my hand. Even though the pain is obviously unpleasant, it brings me back to the reality. My lungs suddenly are filling up with what feels like a very pleasant amount of oxygen. I give myself a few seconds to just enjoy being able to breath, before I dare to open my eyes.
No walls coming towards me, no feeling of suffocation. That is a good thing, right?
The feeling of fear is still there, but I am not sure if it is because I am still scared of the situation that happened past Saturday or if it is because this sort of weird panic attack thing is freaking me out. Probably a combination of both.
Last of all, I feel tired, drained of all energy. I wish I could just lay down and sleep. Sadly, I have plans for today and can most definitely not go back to bed — I probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyway.
I move my eyes towards my balled hand and open it. A bit of blood drips on the ground.
Oh great. So this is how I snapped out of it? By unconsciously palpitating my hand palm with my nails until it started to bleed.
Okay, that is probably not a good thing to do.
But hey, if it works, it works. Right?
For now, I am just glad I snapped out of it. I just need to forget about last weekend as soon as possible and then it will be okay. It had been a scary situation, but it is over, it's the past. I should just move on.
I realize that I am still kneeling on the floor of the toilet stall when my phone starts to buzz. I immediately stand up and grab it out of my pocket.
It's Tanaka. My good friend is probably wondering where I am. I don't feel like talking to him — which its weird, because there had never been a moment before where I didn't want to talk to Tanaka — but if I don't pick up the phone, he might get suspicious.
So after a few seconds of contemplating, I pick it up. Somewhere in me, I find the energy to sound a bit more enthusiastic.
"Ryuuu! What's up!" I say.
"Heyyy Noya, where are you man? You know we are leaving soon. You can't abandon me now bro. We had a mission you know?"
I can't help but grin a bit. Yeah, it's true we had a mission. Today was one of those rare days of school where teachers had to have stupid meetings or something and the students had the day off. So, last week, I had proposed to go to the lake with the team. Just having some good old fun, without training (although I am a hundredth percent sure that we will end up playing beach volleyball in the end, since volleyball is and always will be the coolest sport ever). And of course, the girls will be there, hopefully in their bikini. Today was going to be the day that they would impress the always beautiful Kiyoko.
"I was just on the toilet. I'll be right outside. Give me a minute okay?"
"Hahaha sure! But hurry up, otherwise Daichi might really kill you for once." I cringe at the words kill coming jokingly out of my best friend's mouth. Luckily Tanaka couldn't see me right now, otherwise it might raise a few questions.
"Don't worry. I am too awesome to die young." I joke back. The words are out of my mouth before I even know it and I find myself staring into some vague oblivion. I don't even register the words that Tanaka says before hanging up the phone call.
I am too awesome to die young. Ha, what a joke. I am not awesome at all. I showed that this weekend. I always blurted out how cool I was, how fearless I was, but the moment there was some real danger and I become a sacred pathetic kid.
No, I am the opposite of awesome.
The horrible thing is, everyone else still thinks I am cool, because that is how I have always behaved.
And even though I wouldn't say it out loud, I always liked to have that reputation. Being the guardian angel of Karasuno, standing behind everyone having their back. I like knowing that when I am there, the spikers feel free to do what they have to do, without worrying about what happens behind them. The team trusts me and I trust them. It works on and off the field.
But what would happen if they find out the truth. If they find out that in the end, the moment when it really matters, I am not fearless nor awesome at all.
I am just a stupid scared kid.
One with stupid stupid panic attacks that I can't control.
They will not trust me anymore. I am sure of it. It scares me even more than any of the shit that has happened the last few days.
I don't want to lose volleyball, I don't want to lose the role I have on the court and definitely do not want to lose the team.
So if that means that I have to keep these feelings hidden from them, then that is what I'll do. As long as I pretend to be okay, everything will stay the same.
I mean, how hard can it be?
I stumble out of the room and look into the mirror. Man, I look horrible. My eyes are big, puffy and a bit red. My skin is a tint lighter than normal. I can't have the team thinking something is wrong. In an attempt to make my appearance a bit better, I squash some cold water in my face. It feels refreshing, waking me up.
I grab my bag — I had thrown it in the corner of the clubroom when the whole panic attack thing hit me — and walk outside. Even though it was still morning, it was already quite warm, with the sun shining up high. The team had agreed to meet at the school gate.
I am starting to feel nervous while walking towards them, which annoys me because I shouldn't feel that way. Some of my best friends are in that group. I should feel good whenever I am with Karasuno.
So I shake my head and try to push the nervous feeling away somewhere deep inside me. Now it is time for fun, for laughing around with Tanaka, for making fun of Tsukishima, for seeing how much I can screw around before Daichi gets angry or to get Asahi to do something daring. It's time to just play around with everyone.
So with a new kind of energy I run towards the team — I am the only one still missing. Even Tsukishima is standing between them — even though the grumpy teen made it clear last week that he really didn't want to spend his free time with us. Ha, I knew it, that guy is all talk, he secretly loves us. He will just never admit it out loud.
"Ahhh Nishinoya-senpai! Finally, you are here! We can go!" Hinata says exciting while jumping up and down.
"Ahh good grief, you're here. Lets' go quick, otherwise me might miss the next bus!" Daichi calls out, while grabbing his own bag from the ground.
Before I can react, an arm falls around my shoulder. I look up. Tanaka is standing next to me.
"What took you so long man? For a while I thought you had abandoned me and l had to do this all on my own." My friend makes a fake sad face.
"Ha! Sorry Ryu! You know I would never let that happen!" I smile excitingly — it's not even a fake smile. The happy mood of the team drags me along and I feel a sincere happiness in me.
"Yeah, it took you quite some time in the toilet. What were you doing down there?" Asahi is standing on the other side of me. His hair loosely in a bun on his head. He gives me a curious look. Man, I hate that guy — no, that's not true, I love that guy, Asahi is — even though he is a total whimp — one of my best friends. But the problem with Asahi is, he can be a bit on the serious side. Usually whenever there is a subject that I rather not talk about, I just joke around. Once I start to do stupid stuff, people tend to forget about it all and either be annoyed with me or get dragged along in the joke. Asahi does neither of those, he sticks until he knows the truth. It's annoying.
So I know I have to answer this question, but my brain just freezes. I can't find the right answer. Shit, what could I have been doing on a freaking toilet that I was gone for that period of time? Luckily, I am saved by our captain — who starts to get a bit irritated at the point.
"Guys, I said let's go! Don't just stand there, I don't feel like waiting on the next bus!" I jump out of Tanaka's hold and run forward, pretending to be excited. Luckily Hinata is just as excited — and I am pretty sure that he is not faking it like I am — and is jumping next to me.
However, the teen isn't watching his surroundings at all and proceeds to bump against Kageyama, who of course pushes him away
"Watch out, you idiot!" He says grumpy, while the rest of the group starts laughing at the usual banter happening by the two first years. It looks like that was a good enough of a distraction for both Asahi and Tanaka to forget the conversation. I sign, this was going to be a long day.
However, to my own surprise, the day proceeds better than expected. The moment we arrived at the lake my mood changes. The fun and games starts and I get dragged along in the excitement. Soon I find myself in the midst of running away from Ennoshita, who I just put head-down underwater.
"Whaha, you will never catch me!" I yell out, while splashing through the water around Asashi and Daichi. I see Ennoshita follow me in my food steps, just a few feet away. I think I'll make it safe and sound out of the lake, when I feel a sharp pain in my foot.
"Ouch!" I say without even noticing it, while trying not to fall down. I find a way to steady myself with my other foot and look down. The water color is turning a bit red. Oh, shit. Blood.
Blood…
There is some blood on the ground, together with some glass. The window towards the garden is broken.
And right in the middle of the room are three big man. I freeze and know that I am in big trouble. These are the buglers that mom was always worried about.
They are real, they are standing in front of me. It's not a what-if scenario anymore, it is really happening. I make myself big.
I am not scared of these three guys, no, I can feel myself getting angry instead. The three men all had their backs turned towards me, it seemed as if they didn't even notice that I was here.
I growl. It's not even consciously, the sound just happens to escape my mouth. The smallest of the three turns around and I see on his expression that he is surprised by me.
"Oh shit. Charles, hadn't you said that there wouldn't be anyone home right now?" My eyes automatically go to his right hand, which is holding a hammer. He probably used that to break the glass. Drips of blood is falling down from his left hand.
The other two turns around. The right one is probably one of the biggest man I've ever seen alive. He is bald, with a bit of stubble beard.
The other has a little less intimidating physique. However, something in his facial expression is warning me to watch out for him. He has black short hair and dark brown eyes.
"Hello kid." He says, while taking a step forward. He grabs something out of his jacket. I can feel myself gasping for air when I see what he is holding.
A gun.
"Nishinoya."
"Nishinoya?" I look up. I can feel my hands shaking, but try to control them. I am safe. I am at the lake. With my team. It's okay.
I am sitting on the sand. Oh god, how did I get here, before my flashback-thingy I was still standing in the water. Did someone carry me here, did I walk here on my own, why can't I remember? I want to ask, but I don't want to raise any suspicion.
"Nishinoya-senpai, are you okay?" Hinata is standing on my right side, his face full of panic. Next to him is Tanaka, who is giving me a weird look.
Asahi is kneeling on the left side, together with Ennoshita and Kenoshita. Something is touching my left food, so I give it a quick look. It's Suga, who is holding it up and seems to examine it together with Kiyoko.
Oh god. I am used to getting attention. With the amount of commotion that I often caused it was almost inevitable. Normally I wouldn't mind it, most of the time I wouldn't even notice it. But now I can feel my cheeks turning red. I want everyone to leave me alone.
"Nishinoya?" It was Asahi. Oh yeah, they had asked me a question. I should probably answer, otherwise it might be weird.
"I am fine." I stumble, but I can see on their faces that it sounded weird.
"Well, your little toe was bleeding a bit and I can see a little cut. But luckily it's nothing big, you probably won't even feel it while walking." Suga said with a kind smile, while putting a small band-aid over it.
Although its good news that my feet isn't really hurt — because that would definitely suck - I don't feel relieved at all.
Is it normal to have random flashbacks?
No, of course that isn't normal. Oh, god I am losing my mind. And why? Because I bumped my little toe against a rock and there was a little bit of blood.
This is so not awesome. At all.
I realize that everyone is still staring at me and produce one of my big grins.
"Hahaha! Of course, it's fine! I am stronger than a simple rock you know!" I can see everyone relax. Time to change the subject. "Hey, didn't someone bring some sandwiches, I am starving!"
That always does the trick. Whenever you are with teen boys who are still growing and sporting a lot, talking about food is just the way to go.
My change-the-subject-tactic works and soon everyone is sitting and enjoying some delicious sandwiches made by both Sugawara, Kiyoko and Yachi.
Next to me, I can hear Tanaka and Ennoshita talk about some new action movie, but I feel myself distance from their conversation.
There is something happening to me and I don't like it. I am supposed to be awesome. I am supposed to be tough and wild.
I need to be awesome for this team, I need to be hot-heated off field, but completely focused on the court. I need to have everyone's back.
That is the kind of person I am.
I am not the kind of person to get panic attacks.
Or maybe I am?
-Haikyuu-
So, this idea came to me a few weeks ago and I finally had the time to put it on paper. I know it's stupid to start a new fanfic when you still have another one ongoing, but I just couldn't get this idea out of my head.
This actually supposed to become a one-shot, but once I started writing I realized that this would work better as a multi-chapter fanfic.
I hope you guys liked this first chapter!
Lots of Love,
XXX
-Maredith.