A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 6

Johanna was silent as she watched the trees pass by the window. Her milkshake and fries were long gone and the sun that had been shining in the city had slipped behind a thick blanket of clouds the further north they went, leaving the sky grey and muted…much like she felt inside. She tried not to dwell on that feeling as she concentrated on the scenery. The mountains were coated with a layer of snow; the heavy grey clouds above them promising another layer before long. Usually she reveled in the knowledge that snow would be falling outside as she and Jim were tucked away in their home…but she didn't feel that usual jolt of excitement. She sighed softly, fighting the urge to flip the radio station as it began to play Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. It had always been her favorite Christmas song…but for a long time now it only inspired sadness…it only made her want to cry.

Johanna closed her eyes to keep the tears at bay…she just couldn't make Christmas work, no matter what she did. A long time ago she had been able to…there had been traditions, decorating, family gatherings. It had been a happy time…but it was all water under the bridge now. It wouldn't ever be the same again. Leaving the city helped some…but being allowed to flee came with stipulations; she had to decorate, she had to make a holiday meal. She didn't mind the cooking; Jim always enjoyed a big holiday meal and she liked to provide him with one...he never minded having leftovers for a day or two afterwards either. Decorating was a little harder. She had loved Christmas trees ever since she was a little girl…but now they were a symbol of heartache. Jim had bought her a beautiful pre-lit Christmas tree their first year at the cabin; they decorated it with Elizabeth Beckett's old ornaments that they had found in the attic. Her mother-in-law's ornaments were beautiful and gave the tree a vintage feel…but they weren't hers.

She missed her own special ornaments; the heart her grandmother had given her and Jim their first Christmas as a married couple. There was the small bear that said Baby's First Christmas, 1979. She missed the glittery star Katie had made in Sunday school when she was four…some of the ornaments from her own childhood that had belonged to her mother. There was the angel ornament that Elizabeth had given her in memory of her mother, a gesture that had meant a great deal to her. There were others as well that she had collected, been given and inherited that she had loved throughout her life. When she had tried to revive Christmas a few years before, she had dug those ornaments out of the boxes they had been stored in and hung them on the new tree she had bought…but her family didn't want to look at them…they only reminded them of pain…all because she hadn't gotten the decorations taken down before she had to go into hiding. So those special ornaments that she loved were carefully wrapped and packed in a special box that was relegated to a corner of the attic where they'd never be seen again.

Her eyes flicked open, her gaze moving back to the scenery…she missed her special ornaments…seeing a tree without their history on it made her feel like a part of her was still hidden away; like her history was still a secret like it had been in Wyoming. It was her fault, she knew that…and she knew there was no point in being bitter about it…but she was. Bitterness always crowded her in December…so did depression and sadness. Her eyes stung once more but she blinked them away. There wasn't any point in crying; she was used to somewhat empty Christmases…she was used to the fact that old traditions were no more…that she decorated with other people's ornaments instead of her own…that she and Jim weren't meant to have family holidays.

It was just that she'd had that misguided hope that this year would be different…because this year there was McKenzie. She was a fool; she should have known better. Nothing was going to change. Her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner had been declined with the comment that McKenzie's first Thanksgiving should be spent at home. Johanna smirked a little, apparently her daughter and son-in-law didn't hang on to that sentiment for Christmas. Apparently it was fine for a seven month old baby to spend her first Christmas in a ski lodge instead of in her own home…in the city where her family lived. Oh well, as she had been reminded, it wasn't her child.

But she still thought a ski vacation on Christmas was stupid…especially skiing in Vermont. They had mountains in New York…they had snow in New York. They could've gone to the cabin; there was a ski resort forty-five minutes away from the cabin if Katie and Rick were desperate to ski…but no, it had to be Vermont for some reason…and she had a feeling it was because Vermont didn't have her and Jim.

That was something else that she shouldn't dwell on, Johanna thought to herself. Dwelling on it would only increase her bitterness…and the depression that always loomed, ready to sweep in this time of year. She didn't need that…she had to be better for Jim; he deserved all the effort she could muster and she would do her best for him as always. She sighed softly; she was looking forward to curling up with him tonight. She hadn't slept much the last two days and it was catching up with her thanks to her need to push through her to-do list. When they arrived at the cabin there would be more for her to do…putting the groceries away, unpacking, cleaning, making dinner and getting the tree out.

"You're awful quiet," Jim said, breaking the silence between them.

"Just thinking about what all needs done," Johanna replied. "We probably would've been there already if it hadn't taken so long at Katie's…and if I hadn't wanted that milkshake."

"We're almost there, sweetheart," he answered; "And you deserved that milkshake and the fries. I'll help you get everything done. We'll get the groceries put away first and Scarlett settled. Then we'll unpack. The gifts can be left in the bags and just put into the closet in our bedroom so that's going to be quick for that part."

"That's true. Maybe once I have dinner in the oven I can clean the living room so you can get the tree out after we eat."

He glanced at her quickly. "You have to be getting tired, Jo; you've been on the go since Friday night."

"I am a little tried but that's never stopped me before. We have things to get done so we can enjoy ourselves. If you help with the groceries and unpacking, it'll go faster."

"You know I will," he replied.

"I know," she said, her gaze drifting back to the stray flurries that were beginning to fall outside the window. "I wish I hadn't given Katie the picture part of the frame. I could have put it on the mantle so we'd have a picture of McKenzie at the cabin."

"You should have kept it," Jim replied. "Especially after the way Rick acted about it."

"I was going to keep it but Katie said I was petty about the pictures and that it's 'her' baby on them after all."

"It was your money that paid for them," her husband remarked.

"I know; I mentioned it…but you know how it is; sometimes it just isn't worth it. I felt like I was already being made out to be a bad guy because we got a little gift for the baby to give Katie. We never said Rick wouldn't get her something from McKenzie; we just thought that little set was cute."

"We know our intentions weren't to step on his toes…they don't mind trampling on ours though," Jim replied.

"That's the truth. I really didn't think it would be a big deal."

Jim breathed deeply, his hands tightening on the wheel a little. "I know it hurts to be excluded from McKenzie's holiday…believe me, it hurts me just as much as it hurts you; but maybe it's for the best. If Rick's going to be bent out of shape about a little gift we got for the baby to give to our daughter than I can only imagine what a full blown holiday would be like with them."

"We'd probably rack up a lot of offenses…my lack of decorating has been brought up a few times. Apparently I've broken the cardinal law of holidays."

"We've never been the type to go overboard," he replied. "You always decorated our home tastefully…and you'll decorate at the cabin."

"Only because it's part of our agreement."

"I can live with that…one day you might like it again."

She scoffed. "That's doubtful."

Scarlett meowed in her carrier before he could answer and Johanna shifted to look back at their pet. "Almost there, Scarlett; just a few more minutes."

"Is she alright?" Jim asked.

"Yeah; she's fine…I think she just hears us talking and she wants to be acknowledged."

He smiled a little. "We didn't forget that you're back there, Scarlett. We'll be home soon and you can get out of your carrier once we have everything inside."

"That's the only part I hate," Johanna said. "The loading it up and the unloading."

Jim laughed. "Yeah; that part isn't fun. We'll have to go to the store in town tomorrow and get the groceries that we decided could wait until we got up here."

"I have a list. Milk, eggs, juice and bread."

"You're all about lists this weekend," he teased.

She gave him an amused smirk. "Don't worry; I've got you on one of my lists too."

"Sounds promising," he quipped as he took the turn that would take them down the long road to the cabin.

"At least you hope so," she laughed.

"Now don't forget; it's the season for goodwill…I should make that part of the rules for our holiday trip to the cabin; you have to decorate, you have to cook a holiday meal…and you have to bestow lots of goodwill to me," Jim said lightly.

"You say that like I don't already bestow lots of goodwill on you when we're here."

"Why leave it to chance though?" he replied lightly.

Johanna smiled. "I'm sure I'll find some goodwill to give you…maybe not tonight but soon."

"I'm not worried," he said warmly as he pulled up in front of the house and parked. "Let's take Scarlett and your purse in first and get the lights turned on and then we'll unload the car."

"Alright," she remarked as she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door.

Jim got out of the car and opened the back door to get the cat carrier. Scarlett meowed at him as he draped the towel over it so the cold air wouldn't rush through the wire door at her. "It's for your own good," he told her as he lifted her out of the car.

"I'll take her so you can get the door unlocked," Johanna said as she reached for the carrier.

He allowed her to take it and they made their way up on the porch. Jim unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping inside as he fumbled for the light switch and turned on the lights. Everything looked as it had been when they had left during their last weekend trip back in October but he had figured all was well or Carl would've called and told him.

"It's nice and warm in here," Johanna said as she entered the house.

"Carl came down and turned the heat on right after I called him yesterday morning," he replied, watching as she carried Scarlett across the room and sat the carrier down near the fireplace.

The cat meowed as Johanna pulled to towel off the carrier. "You're staying in there until we get everything brought in," she told her. "It won't take long."

"I'm going to turn the lights on in the kitchen," Jim told her. "You want to go turn them on in the bedroom so we can carry the suitcases in there?"

"Yeah; I want to put my purse in there anyway," she remarked as she moved through the living room and into the hallway that led to the downstairs master bedroom. She pushed open the wooden door and flipped on the lights with a soft sigh as she moved into the room, placing her purse on top of the dresser. She was looking forward to crawling into the big comfortable bed tonight. Part of her was tempted to crawl into it now but she knew she couldn't, there was too much to do she thought to herself as she forced herself out of the room and rejoined Jim to go haul in everything from the car.

Jim's friend Carl arrived on his snowmobile just as they made their way back to the car and the men shooed Johanna back into the house and out of the cold; she went willingly, figuring she could get things put away as they were brought in and Jim would have some time to catch up with his old friend.

"I was surprised you came up here for Christmas," Carl said as he and Jim grabbed bags from the backseat of the car first. "I figured you'd stay in the city since you have that little granddaughter now."

"Yeah, well, Katie and her family have decided to go to Vermont for Christmas," Jim answered.

"Does her husband have family there?" Carl asked.

"No; they're going skiing."

"Skiing!" his friend exclaimed. "We have a ski resort forty-five minutes from here; why do they need to go all the way to Vermont when they can ski in New York?"

"That's the million dollar question," Jim replied as they began the trek to the porch. "We just don't have an answer for it. We're disappointed though."

"I can imagine," his friend said, allowing the topic to drop while they carried the bags into the house and set them in the living room for Johanna before heading back into the cold.

"What about you?" Jim asked; "Are your kids and grandchildren coming for the holiday?"

"Not all of them like June would've liked," Carl replied. "Ashley and her husband and kids will be up; Luke and his wife and baby are coming. Hannah is going to her in-laws this year; David's not going to get leave until January."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he told him.

Carl nodded. "We're happy with the ones we're getting…and we keep the faith that one of these years it might work out to have them all home at once again. Maybe Katie will surprise you and show up for Christmas anyway."

"I doubt it," Jim said as he opened the trunk of the car. "I think where Jo and I are concerned, family Christmases are a thing of the past…we just have to get used to it and make our peace with it."

"Don't go giving up hope," his friend replied. "I know it's been rough for all of you…but one day things will be different."

"It's hard to keep hoping…especially this year when we thought it would be different because of the baby. It's even harder for Johanna than it is for me; this time of year takes her down…McKenzie was keeping her steady this time around and then Katie pulled the rug out from under us Friday evening when she picked the baby up. So now we just have to learn how to have Christmas in our own way without family expectations."

"Maybe that's best for this year," Carl stated. "But we'll keep our fingers crossed that next year will be the kind of Christmas you were hoping this year would be."

Jim managed a small smile. "I guess we can do that."

"Of course we can," the other man stated as they took the next load of items to the house.

Jim wasn't so sure about it but he figured it wouldn't hurt to humor his friend…now all he needed to do once they settled in was to get his wife on track in the holiday scheme of things.

That evening after everything had been put away and dinner had been eaten, Jim brought the Christmas tree down from one of the upstairs bedrooms and put it together. He plugged it in to make sure the lights still worked and then he settled down in the chair in anticipation of watching his wife decorate it. Johanna lifted the lid off the old cardboard box containing Elizabeth Beckett's Christmas ornaments and stared down into it, a frown on her lips as she gazed at the collection. They were beautiful, she had always thought so…and she knew some of them were special to Jim as they were reminders of his childhood…but they weren't hers. They weren't her ornaments…they weren't their history…it wasn't her Christmas. She breathed deeply; she didn't mind using Elizabeth's things…her mother-in-law had good taste in decorations but the fact remained…they weren't really hers.

"What's wrong?" Jim asked as he noticed that she wasn't unpacking the box. "Did they get broke?"

"No, they're fine," she said softly.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked as he moved and settled down on the floor beside her.

"Nothing," she replied, figuring it was best not to say what she had been thinking. It would only upset him…it would bring back bad memories and the possibility of being reminded that it was all her fault anyway. So instead, she forced herself to reach into the box and pull out Elizabeth's memories instead of her own.

"Jo," Jim said quietly. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing."

"It's not nothing," he remarked. "I know when something's on your mind."

"It's nothing worth mentioning," she stated as she carefully unwrapped some of the spun glass ornaments.

Jim stilled her hands, forcing her to meet his eye. "Tell me," he prodded, his tone a mixture of gentleness and firmness.

Johanna swallowed hard, feeling emotion surging forward. "It's really nothing, Jim."

"It's something, now let's hear it."

"It's stupid."

"I'm sure it's not; now tell me what it is so we can make it better."

"We can't make it better," she replied softly, tears leaking into her voice.

"We don't know that for sure unless you tell me," he remarked, a hand moving to cup her cheek. "Come on, tell me."

"They're not my ornaments," she murmured.

His brow furrowed in puzzlement. "I know they were Mom's but they're yours now…you've been using them the last few years."

"I know…and I like them…but they're not mine. I miss my ornaments…the ones that always meant the most to me. Like the one my grandmother gave us the first Christmas we were married…and Katie's bear for her first Christmas…some of the ones I have from my mother…ones that your mother gave me as gifts…Katie's star she made when she was little…all my special ones."

He didn't know what to say, he hadn't considered that she missed them…he thought they were only painful reminders for all of them. "You know where they are, you could have brought them if you wanted them," he replied, his voice suddenly tight.

"No, I couldn't," she replied, a tear slipping down her cheek. "I used them that first Christmas back and…well, we know how that went. I'll never get to use them again…they only remind you of bad memories…and that's my fault for not getting them put away in time. I know you tell me to get over that but it's hard to do…I think about it every time I have to decorate a tree…I think about it every time I open up a box and use someone else's memories."

"If you don't want to use my mother's ornaments then don't use them," he said, tartness slipping into his voice. "I think they're just as nice as anything we had but if you don't want to use them, don't."

"It's not that," she cried, frustration filling her. "I just…they're not ours…it's not our history. Every time I decorate a tree with someone else's belongings…it makes me feel like I did when I was in Wyoming…like a part of me is missing; like I don't have any history prior to a certain date."

The words chaffed him and he spoke without thinking. "That's ridiculous, Johanna," he said as his defenses rose. "Ornaments aren't our history; they're just a box of glass. It's not your history; you know your history without an ornament to remind you."

Her head lowered, her gaze focusing on the Christmas balls she was unwrapping. "I told you it was stupid," she replied as she tried to push down her feelings. "That's why I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe now you'll believe me when I say something isn't worth mentioning."

Jim blew out a breath of frustration. "Jo, if you wanted the damn ornaments so badly all you had to do was get them out and bring them with you."

"You know I can't," she retorted as she rose with a few ornaments in her hand. "I can't ever use them again…they're tainted because I didn't get them put away in time. You and Katie don't want to see them. I tried using them that first Christmas home along with the new things I bought…but you didn't like it…in hindsight I could see that. So I can't ever use them again. I can't bring them here and watch you cringe every time you look at the tree. I don't even know why I kept them…I should just get rid of them like I got rid of all the other old stuff. What's the point in keeping them? I need to get rid of that stuff I bought that first Christmas back too…it's just as tainted as the old stuff and I can use the space in the attic."

"Jo," he said softly; the words washing over him like a bucket of cold water.

"It's why I hate decorating," Johanna stated, her voice taunt with emotion as she hung a few Christmas balls on the tree. "When it comes to Christmas, I don't have anything that's mine anymore. All I have is someone else's things. We don't even have a tree topper since Elizabeth's quit working last year. I think of buying things…like finding something pretty for the mantle or a nice wreath for on the door…but then I think to myself 'why bother?' Something would just come along and taint it too and it wouldn't be used anymore…so why bother? Why bother with any of it when you get down to it? It's just you and me; it isn't like we have company coming."

Jim was quiet for several minutes as he watched her hang the ornaments on the tree. It was so much clearer now why she had an aversion to decorating. She had never confessed her full feelings about the subject before…and he had given in to the knee jerk reaction to dismiss her feelings by declaring them ridiculous…by calling the ornaments she treasured a box of glass. If they were only a box of glass as he claimed, they shouldn't bother him…but they had during the Christmas of 2012 when all he had been able to think about was how he had taken them off the tree while drowning in grief in early 1999. If they were just pieces of glass, she wouldn't miss them and he wouldn't have gotten defensive when she mentioned feeling like she had in Wyoming…a person with no history. He closed his eyes, how could he have not seen that before? How could he dismiss it so casually when she had finally opened up? She had finally told him the true reasons she had kept squashed for the last few years and he dismissed them and called the ornaments pieces of glass…hurt her when she was already hurting.

"I love your mother's ornaments," Johanna stated, needing to end the oppressive silence between them. "Especially this little snowman…I was with Liz when she bought him. She fell in love with it on the spot at the Christmas bazaar we went to together that one year."

Jim said nothing, recalling that at that same bazaar, his mother had bought Johanna a crystal snowflake ornament…that was tucked in the box of special ornaments she couldn't part with but felt could never be used again.

"She always kept this snowman at the front of the tree in a place of honor," she went on. "She said she always wanted to be able to see him…that's why I always hang him front and center toward the top of the tree…because I know that's where Liz would want him," Johanna said, her thumb caressing the smooth white glass that made up the chubby little snowman. "Liz always had nice things...and she always took care of what she had; that's why even the oldest ornaments in the box are still in good shape."

He knew what she was trying to do; trying to make the words she said go away…and he couldn't find any responses to her rambling because he was too busy trying to figure out what to say or do to make things better in respect to the original topic.

"I didn't mean what I said, Jim," she said softly as the silence lingered. "I'm happy to have Elizabeth's things; they're beautiful...and I guess it is true; they are mine now…I did keep Madelyn from throwing them out…that's how they ended up here. I didn't mean it…you're right, those ornaments are just pieces of glass…they don't define us…I don't need them. I'm going to throw them out…the other stuff I'll donate to the thrift store…but I don't want anyone else using those ones I kept. It's better to just throw those away. There's no point in keeping them…Katie isn't going to want them one day so it's best to just get rid of them and be done with it."

"No," Jim said quietly. "You're not throwing them away…I don't want you to throw them away."

"I don't see why not," she replied, avoiding his gaze as she went back to the box to pluck out more ornaments. "We're never going to use them again."

"You don't know that for sure."

She gave a bitter laugh. "Yeah; I think I do; you can't stand to look at them and I'm not going to subject you to them…I caused you enough pain in your life. I don't need to add to it. They're just pieces of glass like you said…at least some of them are glass, others are other materials…Katie's star is Styrofoam…it's just an old box of junk. It's time to get rid of it and move on. I wish I could just move on from decorating trees completely but you won't let me."

"That's because I want you to have a Christmas tree," Jim replied. "And you're not getting rid of those ornaments that you saved. They're not junk…they're not just pieces of glass…you're not throwing them away."

"They're mine and I'll throw them away if I want to," she retorted. "You don't tell me what to do."

"Some of them are ours, not just yours," he stated; "And sometimes I do tell you what to do and I'm telling you now; you're not throwing them out. They're special to you…they're a part of us…and you don't have to keep them hidden away like a dirty little secret."

"Yeah; sure."

Frustration gnawed at him as he grabbed her wrist, preventing her from reaching back into the box. "You're not getting rid of them. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings…I'm sorry that I didn't realize why exactly you hate decorating so much. I should have known…but I didn't realize. I can't ask you to let go of things if I'm not willing to do the same," he remarked. "I shouldn't let a box of ornaments have that power over me…especially when it hurts you in the long run. The memories that came with those ornaments were good memories and we should remember those…not the bad ones that followed. We're keeping them and we're going to use them again."

"I don't need to use them…I can't this year anyway; they're at home," Johanna said softly. "It's ridiculous like you said. I shouldn't have said anything…it's just me being stupid."

"You're not stupid," he said sharply. "I hate when you say that."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop that too," he told her. "We had your apology quota back down to normal levels for awhile now and I don't them going back through the roof. I'm not mad at you for missing the things you love…you have every right to miss them…and you have every right to use them. I make you put up a tree…and you should make me get used to looking at ornaments that meant something to us. I want you to buy all the pretty things you want for up here…something for the mantle, whatever you want for the door…get things for on the stands, get Christmas tablecloths and holiday mugs…I want you to be happy…I want you to have things that are yours. We can still use some of Mom's things…but you can buy new little ornaments too for on the tree. We'll go into town tomorrow afternoon and go to the stores…we'll get a new topper for the tree; we'll get a star, you always liked a star on the tree the best and you get everything you want to decorate this place with."

"We don't have to do that," she murmured.

"I want to," he told her, his fingertips capturing her chin and forcing her to look at him. "I want you to have nice things…things you chose and love…I don't care that we're not having company; we should have nice things to look at for us and you always made our home beautiful for Christmas. Katie and I have stripped you of everything you enjoyed about this holiday…so I don't blame you for hating it although I've been pushing you through it the last few years…but it's time for us to get back to the way things should be…or at least closer to them than they have been. I don't want you to be sad anymore…I want you to be happy; I want you to have a Christmas tree that you love to look at and nice things all around that give you that holiday feeling. I want to give it back to you…so tomorrow afternoon, we're going to go shopping, okay? Are you willing to do that for me…for us?"

Johanna nodded slowly. "I'll try."

He gave her a smile, his fingertips brushing against the line of her chin. "Try real hard, okay?"

"I promise," she whispered.

Jim caught her lips in a soft kiss. "Then how about we put the rest of the tree trimming on hold for tonight? I'm tired and I know you are too because you've been going non-stop…it's making us a little snappish with each other. Let's just put the lid back on the box so Scarlett doesn't get into it, lock up and head to our room for the rest of the night. Maybe we can find something to watch before we go to sleep."

She was tired…her feelings twisted and raw as they always were at this time of year. Going to bed and slipping beneath the covers was just what she had been waiting on all day. "Okay," she said softly.

He captured her hand and rose from the floor, pulling her along with him. "Tomorrow will be better," he told her.

Johanna nodded. "I know."

"I'll make sure the doors are locked and I'll put these boxes away in the closet until tomorrow; why don't you find Scarlett and see where she's hanging out for the night…if she wants in our room, maybe we can get her in there before we're half asleep and she's scratching at the door. You can have the shower first; I'll be along after I make sure everything is secure."

"Alright," she replied, giving him a quick kiss before she turned and headed for the kitchen to look for her pet. She knew he wanted to make her feel better…that he felt badly for the way things had gone that evening. She sighed deeply; their holiday was getting off to a rocky start and she wished that it hadn't gone that way.

Johanna felt the weariness of the last few days as she sank into their comfortable bed with a sigh. She closed her eyes, listening to the water running in the bathroom as Jim took his shower. She loved this room…at the moment she loved it even more than their room at home. Over the course of a few summer weekend getaways, they had redone the room in small ways…although Jim had offered to buy new furniture. She had declined though; she liked the antique cherry wood bedroom suite that had belonged to Robert and Elizabeth when they had owned the place. Jim hadn't said much but she knew he had been glad that she had opted to keep the furniture. Instead, she had asked for new carpeting, selecting a thick cream colored carpet that was soft and warm on bare feet. Jim had selected a new flat screen TV that he hung on the wall for those lazy mornings and evenings when they just wanted to linger in bed.

They had both chosen a beautiful electric fireplace that matched the furniture just right. It was beautiful, Johanna thought to herself as she watched the flicker of the flames and listened to the realistic sounds of popping it occasionally made. She snuggled further under the covers, glad that Jim had talked her into splurging on the expensive sheets and the plush deep red comforter set that was trimmed in black. She had fallen in love with the set as soon as she had seen it…and considered it a small miracle that her husband hadn't bulked at the choice as he had sometimes in the past. The material was soft and felt luxurious and she couldn't help but feel like their room was nice cozy in the soft light of the lamps and fireplace, snow falling outside the window; her cat asleep in the spare cat bed they kept in their room for when she wanted to sleep there. She sighed deeply as she picked up the remote and flipped channels until she found something to watch. She still felt those edges of depression…still felt like she was going to struggle through the holiday…but tomorrow she would try to do better. Jim was going to take her to the stores and maybe she'd give in and allow herself to buy pretty decorations…and hopefully they wouldn't end up tainted with bad memories. She could buy a few new ornaments and put the old ones at home in the attic out of her mind. Tomorrow she had to do better she thought tiredly as sleepiness washed over her. She just had to try harder tomorrow.

When Jim came out of the bathroom a short while later, he noted that Scarlett was curled up in her bed, her small stuffed reindeer she had been carrying around all month lying beside her. He glanced at his wife, seeing that she was sleepily watching a rerun of Modern Family. He frowned a little; he didn't care for that show…he preferred the sitcoms of the 70s, 80s, and 90s when they had actually been funny. Johanna liked it though; at home she recorded it to watch when she was home with McKenzie and he was at work. He could set through it though until she fell asleep…by the looks of her, it wouldn't be much longer…but it was the least he could do since their evening had turned sour. As he rounded the bed and slipped into his place, Johanna picked up the remote and flipped the channel to a classic station Jim preferred.

"You don't have to turn what you were watching," he told her.

"It's alright; I was only watching it until you came to bed. I know you don't like it."

"I can survive sitting through an episode," Jim replied.

"Yeah, but there's always an unnecessary side of commentary that comes with you sitting through an episode," she said before a yawn escaped her.

"What do you mean?" he asked as he glanced at her.

"You know what I mean; you sit there and tell me constantly that the plotlines are stupid and which characters are annoying and whatever else you can think up and I end up missing half the dialogue anyway. I'd just rather watch something that we both like, or at the least, something you like."

"I'm sorry," Jim told her. "I guess I have done that when you're watching that show."

"It's okay...I get even during football season," she said as she laid the remote on his lap and shifted around to find the most comfy spot to doze off in.

He waited until she was comfortable and then leaned over to kiss her goodnight. "I love you, Jo," he said softly.

"I love you too," Johanna murmured.

"I'm sorry about tonight," he stated as he turned her show back on and then laid the remote on his nightstand before sliding down in his spot to be next to her.

She shook her head. "No need to be sorry…it was my fault. Don't pay any attention to what I said; I'm just tired…you know I get overly emotional when I'm tired. I'll be better tomorrow."

He breathed deeply as he brushed his fingertips against her cheek; she was dismissing her own feelings because he had reacted badly. "You don't have to brush away how you feel; I know I reacted badly but I'm glad to know the whole reason of why it's hard for you to decorate. I understand why you feel the way you do…I just want to make it better for you."

Her fingers curled around his, squeezing them softly. "As long as I'm with you, I'm happy. Silly things like ornaments and old traditions don't matter."

"They do matter," he murmured. "They've gotten away from us…but maybe we can bring them back."

"I tried that before," she said sleepily. "It didn't work out."

"Doesn't mean we can't try again."

Johanna's eyes closed for a moment and she forced them back open. "We're going shopping tomorrow; I'll pick out some decorations like you said. I'll be alright; I've got you and Scarlett and we're settled in here for awhile. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise."

She was tired, Jim thought to himself, his fingertips brushing across her forehead once more; there was no point in rehashing it or trying to convince her that she was entitled to her feelings. He pressed a soft kiss against her lips. "Watch your show and go to sleep, Sweetheart. I know you're tired. Tomorrow will be better."

She gave him a sleepy smile as she nodded in agreement. "Maybe I'll sleep in."

"You should," he told her. "You've earned it."

Johanna moved closer to him to feel his warmth, her hand curling softly around his wrist, her gaze moving back to the television for a few minutes until she lost the battle against sleep and her eyes closed.

Jim waited for awhile to be sure she was going to stay asleep and then he reached for the remote and turned the channel; finding an old show that he liked to watch. He glanced at his wife to make sure the switch hadn't disturbed her slumber and seeing that it hadn't, he sighed quietly. How was he going to turn this holiday around for her? The past dogged their heels every year when this season rolled in…and this year there was the added disappointment of not being with their granddaughter for her first Christmas. The holiday used to be a happy time for them; they had started creating traditions even before they were married and they had been carried out every year…until they were forced apart. He sighed deeply; she was right, she had tried to bring back those traditions and feelings and it had gone wrong…but maybe enough time had passed that they could try again in some ways.

He had to make this better…he had to find a way for her to have those ornaments that she missed so much; the ones that told of moments in their lives, the ones that held special memories. He just had to give those back to her…but how? He couldn't just drive all the way back to the city to grab a box from the attic and then drive all the way back; that would take half the day and he had promised to take her shopping in the afternoon. If he could just have someone get the box and meet him halfway it wouldn't be so bad. Jeff came to mind; his friend had a key for emergencies and so that he could take the mail in when they were away.

Johanna shifted beside him, making his gaze dart toward her as her hand slipped away from his wrist as she rolled onto her other side. He pulled the blankets up around her more securely and then slipped out of bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand as he did so. He'd go out to the kitchen and send Jeff a text about his idea; he didn't want to chance waking her on the off chance that his friend would call back instead of texting. If Jeff was agreeable to the plan, and he would find some way to make it agreeable by thinking up some form of compensation, then all he had to do was wake Johanna sometime in the morning and while she was drowsy, tell her that he had to go down the road and help Carl with something and that he'd be back in time for them to go shopping. He could make this work; he just had to…he had to find some way to give Christmas back to her.

The clock on the stove said 8:03 as Jim sat at the kitchen table and sipped a cup of coffee; so far Johanna was keeping her word about sleeping in…and he hoped she'd stick to it as he waited for Jeff to text and say that he had gotten the box of ornaments and was on his way to meet him at the halfway point they had settled on for the trade. It would be easier to get away without question if he could gently wake his wife, tell her a white lie while she was sleepy and then slip out as she drifted back to sleep. Finally his phone buzzed on the table and he snatched it up, opening the text and seeing the picture of a box Jeff had sent.

"Is this the right one?" Jeff had written.

"That's the one; did you have any problem finding it?"

"No; it was right where you said it would be. Do you need or want anything else while I'm here?"

A couple things came to mind that might help the holiday along and so he told Jeff where to find the items and where to get a bag to put them in once he collected them. After a few minutes his friend sent another text.

"Alright, I've got it all. I'll make sure the house is locked up and I'll be on my way."

"I'll go tell Jo the story I planned to get out of here; I'll see you in a little while," Jim wrote back. He took the last sip of his coffee and then made his way to the bedroom, being quiet as he entered the room. Johanna was still curled up beneath the covers and he noted that Scarlett had jumped up beside her and made herself comfortable although she knew she was supposed to stay off the bed…but for today he'd let her get away with it since he needed to get a move on and maybe having the cat snuggled up with her would ensure that Johanna would go back to sleep.

"Jo," he said quietly, giving her hip a shake. She didn't stir so he shook her once more. "Johanna."

"Hmm?" she mumbled.

"I have to go out for a little while," Jim told her softly. "Carl needs me to help him with his furnace. I'll be back in time for us to go shopping this afternoon, okay?"

"Okay," she said sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Still early, sweetheart; go back to sleep for a little while," he replied as he kissed her cheek and made sure the covers were tucked around her.

She snuggled back into her pillow. "Be careful, honey," she murmured.

"I promise," Jim said, brushing a quick kiss against her lips before hurrying from the room to get on his way. He was going to turn this holiday around…he was going to show her that it could still be good; all they had to do was try.