Don't chapter 7
The moment Hinata walked in the hospital a lonely feeling crept into him. Even though he had told Takeda not to come with him, a part of him wanted to cling to his teacher. He knew it was weird and stupid, but he felt safe with him.
He felt like a zombie while walking trough the white never ending hallways of the hospital. A part of him wanted to run towards his mother, but another part of him wanted to delay that moment for as long as possible. It would all be real if he walked into that room, he would see it with his own eyes, he would know that she really was going to die. As long as he did not have to say goodbye to her, she was still living. Hinata knew that that wasn't true, but he wanted to believe it so badly. In the back of his head he wondered about Natsu and his dad. Would they already be there? However, these thoughs were quick to be burried by all the other hundreth thought that were racing trough his head.
The moment he waked in the hospital ward where his mother was laying, one of the nurses spotted him and walked up to greet him. She was a young nurse, probably in the beginning of her 20th. She had her brown hair tucked in a fuzzy ponytail. She looked at him with brown eyes, filled with sorrow and pity.
"Hello, Hinata-kun. I'm glad you could make it here. Is i okay if I explain a bit of her condition to you before you go see her? Although I would understand if you want to go to her as soon as possible."
She was wrong, as long as he did not have to walk into his mothers room, everything was okay. He felt guilty about it, but the fear of death was more powerful than the feeling of guilt. So he nodded his head and followed the nurse to a little room.
"Okay, I think it's best to sit down." Hinata did as he was asked. "What do you already know about the condition of your mom?" She asked carefully.
"That she is dying." It was the first time Hinata actually said those words out loud. He knew it was his voice that was talking, but it felt like it belonged to someone else. The nurse sadly nodded.
"The doctor has been having contact with your father. I talked with your mother about it, and she wanted me to explain everything to you first. She wants you to understand what is happening before you walk into her room. Maybe that would make everything less scary for you."
Hinata nodded. The nurse gave him a few seconds
"You know your mother hasn't been doing very well the last few weeks. The cancer has spread to both her liver and lungs. She is too weak for further treatment. We told this news three days ago and her plan was to go back home with painkillers to live the last of her days there. However, last night her body just couldn't handle it anymore and she started to go downhill very fast. She experienced more pain and shortness of breath. We had a talk with her and together we came to the conclusion that she wasn't strong enough to get home, or even get to next week. You are still with me, Hinata?"
Hinata slowly nodded, but wasn't able to say anything. He tried to process the words that the nurse were telling him, but they were spinning in his head.
"Good. Now comes a part you might not understand, but just bear with me okay? If you have any questions about it, just ask, alright?" She waited a few seconds before she began with the last part of her story.
"Since her physical symptoms such as pain and shortness of breath were getting worse and worse, your mom and we decided to go for palliative sedation. Do you know what that means?"
Hinata shook his head, he had never heard of this word, however if it could stop the symptoms that his mom was experiencing it was fine by him.
"Palliative sedation is a last resort that is used at the end of someone's life to take away the symptoms. It is to relieve the suffering of your mother, so she will have a peaceful death. She has got an I.V. with drugs that are working as a strong painkiller, but it also decreases her awareness. That way she doesn't feel shortness of breath, nausea or any other symptom. We are watching her carefully to make sure she stays comfortable, if it looks like she is pain or something else, we give her more of the drugs, otherwise we don't. Right now, she is sleeping most of the time. Sometimes she will wake up and look around, but that is all she can do right now. But she is calm and comfortable."
Hinata let all of this sink in. He didn't understand everything of what the nurse told him, but he grasped the idea of it.
"How long." He asked out of the blue.
"That is always hard to say. The drugs don't speed up the process of dying, it just makes her less aware off everything. It can be in an hour or two, but it can also take one or two more days. It is waiting for her body to die naturally."
Hinata nodded. Theoretical he understood what was going on now. His mother was dying, and they were giving her drugs so she wouldn't feel stuff like pain. Her body was going to give up sometime eventually and that would be the end.
Yes, theoratically he knew what was happening, but it was like his heart wasn't caught up to it yet. He thought he should feel horrible, sad, in deep grief.
But he felt nothing. Paralyzed.
"You think you're ready to go see your mom?" The nurse asked carefully.
No. Hinata wasn't ready. He didn't want to go to her. He didn't want to see her like that. He was the opposite of ready. But he couldn't postpone it forever, so he nodded.
The nurse smiled. "You are very brave Hinata. I can see this is a though time for you, but just like your mother you are a strong person. If we can do anything for you, just ask."
Together they walked towards his mothers room and the nurse slowly opened the door. It took Hinata a few seconds before he dared to walk in. Everything in the room was the same as last week. The curtens were up and a little sun lighted up the room, the tv was off. There was one thing different thought. His mother was sleeping. There was one extra I.V added to her body that was connected to a pomp, probably for the sleeping drugs.
Hinata thought it would be more scary. But his mother looked more calm and comfortable than she had been in weeks. She was calmly breathing in and out. The look on her face was laid back, as if she was just taking a normal afternoon nap.
"You can sit next to her. That's okay." The nurse said. Hinata nodded and carefully walked to her bedside and sat down on the folding chair next to her bed. His eyes carefully scanning his mother from head to toe, but there really wasn't any sign that she was hurting now.
"Also, it can be possible that your mother is more aware of her surroundings than it looks like, so it is okay to talk to her or hold her hand. I am sure she would like that." The nurse suggested. "And if there is anything wrong, if you have a question or she looks less comfortable, just push the bell, okay?"
After that the nurse left the room, giving him his space. And then it was just Hinata with his mother. He carefully put his hands on hers. It still felt warm, as if it wasn't in a process of dying.
"Hey… Hey mom." He said, trying to ignore the lump in his throat. "Hey, it's gonna be okay. I am here now." Then out of the blue his mothers head was moving to his side. It almost gave Hinata a heart attack, and he was ready to call the nurse again when she slowly opened her eyes.
She looked at him, her eyes full of love and warmth. It was just for a second, but it felt like an eternity, before she closed her eyes again. And that was the moment that Hinata let his tears roll. His heart had finally caught up with his brain. He took her hands in both of his hands and let his head rest on the bed and just cried. He wasn't ready to lose her yet.
-Haikyuu-
Hinata didn't know how long he had cried. He didn't know what time it was right now, it could have been 15 minutes later, but also an hour. He had let go of any perception of time, space or what so ever. For now, it was just him and his mother. She hadn't opened her eyes anymore, but besides that her situation didn't change munch. Her breathing was still calm and regular, and she didn't seem in any pain.
Hinata wanted to strike a bit of hair out of her face, when the door opened. Hinata turned around and froze the second he saw who was coming in. His dad. His hair was fuzzy, his eyes looked tired and his face just looked overall grim. He was carrying a sleeping Natsu.
"Shoyo!" He said, clearly surprised. "Hey dad." Hinata said, not sure how to react. His father put down Natsu on one of the bigger softer chairs in the corner, his little sister immediately curled up and continued sleeping.
"I didn't know where you were. I mean, when the hospital called about your mother and I wanted to find you, you were gone. I thought you left me." "I..uhm… I was at a training camp with Karasuno." Hinata said carefully. It was a long time ago he had seen his dad this sober. Hinata wasn't sure what he had expected. Of course his dad was the first one to be called about this situation. However, he had never visited his mother, so Hinata had just thought that his dad would stay home this time too.
"I know. I am glad you are here now." His dad sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Hinata couldn't help but flinch a bit, he hated himself for doing it. Since a few weeks he had a new instinct, whenever his dad was close, Hinata was always on high alert. He never knew when his dad would hit him. Even now, when his mother was dying and his father was mourning her loss, he couldn't help but feel uneasy sitting next to his father. Hinata hated it.
"I.. I just, I am sorry Hinata. I know I say sorry a lot and I know I mess up a lot. But I try, I seriously do. I need you kid." Tears formed in his father's eyes and Hinata felt a sting in his heart, seeing his dad with so much sadness.
"We need to be together as a family, especially in times like these." His father continued.
Hinata nodded. He was right. Right now family was all they got. Hinata should push the feeling of unease he got when he was with his dad away, at times like this it was egoistic to think only about himself. Hinata had to consider his dad feelings too.
So that was what Hinata did, he just him fall in his father's arms and hugged him. His dad immediately took a very tight but soft hold of him.
And for the first time Hinata realized how much he had missed this. His father's hugs, his love. Hinata needed it more than he would like to admit.
But the weird thing was – how much he tried to – he couldn't help but feel unease in his father's arms. Hinata wanted to feel safe, he desired to feel the same trust he had in his dad as he did when he was younger, but a part of him knew there was something wrong. That the past would never come back.
However, Hinata couldn't deal with that right now. He needed this. He needed the emotional support from his father. So he buried the feeling of suspicion and fear against his father deep away and accepted the support he gave that Hinata had so long needed. That way, Hinata could concentrate on his mother. That was what mattered most right now.
-Haikyuu-
The bus ride home was weird. Everyone was silent. A few of the members had fallen a sleep. Kageyama — however — wasn't able to close his eyes. The training camp had transformed real quick from something nice and fun — yeah even Kageyama had enjoyed being with all the other teens and playing cards and doing fun stuff — but it ended with a bitter taste, as Kageyama liked to describe it.
The evening that Hinata had left, the news of his department went on like wildfire. Quickly other teams heard about it too. Although most of the teams felt sympathy for Hinata, they didn't know him personally. Except for Kenma, who had — after hearing the news — hidden himself on his futon with his video games.
Kageyama really hadn't paid much attention to everyone else to be honest. As soon as possible he went back to practice. Since Ukai had told them to do individual training, Kageyama had found an empty gym and just started doing some jump serves. Soon he found his rhythm. Throw. Run. Jump.
Hit. Throw. Run. Jump.
Hit. Throw. Run. Jump.
Hit. Throw. Run. Jump.
It was nice. His head was clear. However once he was done, he couldn't help but think about Hinata.
Would his mom still be alive? How was he doing? Was he going to come to practice next week? No, probably not, it was normal to take a week off after such an event right?
And even now — a day after on the bus right home — Kageyama constantly was thinking about his little teammate. It annoyed him to death. Of course, he felt sorry for Hinata, but why did Kageyama himself feel so sad. He wasn't the one whose mother was dying. He didn't even really know her — except from those three minutes were they had intrude on her and Hinata in the hospital.
Kageyama let his head rest on the back of the bus seat and closed his eyes. He wondered how this would affect Hinata. Kageyama didn't know much about death and grief. One of his grandmothers had died when he was younger, but he was too little at that time to really understand it. What if it effected Hinata on the longer period? Kageyama didn't want that.
Should he text Hinata? He had never texted him before about things unrelated to volleyball. It felt weird to do it. And maybe Hinata wasn't waiting on a text from him. Maybe Hinata wanted to be left alone to deal with this without Kageyama intruding his privacy.
No, that didn't really feel like a Hinata-thing to do. Hinata would probably like the support.
But still Kageyama couldn't get himself to text him. He didn't know if this was his stupid pride or just his terrible social skills, but everything in him felt rejection against the idea of texting his friend. Besides that, Kageyama had put his name under the cart that Yachi made for Hinata. That was a way of showing a bit of support right?
And so Kageyama just ignored his feeling of worry about his friend and just hoped that Hinata would come back to practice as soon as possible.
-Haikyuu-
Hinata walked quickly back into his mother's hospital room. His father had send him out to grab a bite to eat for himself and to get some fresh air. Although he first didn't want to leave his mothers side, Hinata had to admit that he felt a lot better with some food in his stomach and a little ten minute walk outside. But it was good to be back. He wanted to spent as much time with his family as long as it was possible.
A couple of hours had passed since Hinata had arrived at the hospital. The nurse who had the night shift had walked in a few times, first to introduce herself and then to check on their mother. Luckily this hospital allowed family members to stay overnight if the patient was dying. His mother hadn't woken up anymore.
His father gave him a little smile when he walked in. Natsu was sitting on his lap, she had been awake for the last hour, but she was dozing off again.
Hinata grabbed a seat and sat down on the other side of his mother's bed and again grabbed her hand. It felt a bit colder than a few hours ago. It startled Hinata even though he knew it was normal. The night shift nurse had explained them a bit on how the process of dying works, just so they were prepared, but it was still weird.
He silently observed his mother's face, she looked deeply asleep. Very peaceful and very calm. But her breathing was getting more and more irregular and slower. He knew it was close by. Again he grabbed her hand, this time he didn't back down because of the coldness.
"It's okay mom. You don't have to fight anymore. We will be okay." He whispered, while slowly stroking her hand.
And then her breathing stopped. Just for a few seconds, before she started breathing again. Panic hit Hinata. Yes he had meant what he was saying, but he wasn't ready for her to really stop breathing like that. It all felt so abrupt.
His dad had clearly felt the same way and pushed on the call button. Within a minute the nurse was in there room. Hinata's mother was breathing again, but slowly and irregular. She still looked peaceful though.
"Is there something I can do for you?" She asked with a kind smile.
"Yeah, she just stopped breathing and I — I didn't really know what to do." His father said. The nurse nodded understanding and walked in the room. She first checked their mother, clearly counting her breathing and feeling her pulse, then she started to explain.
"She really is close to dying now. Her breathing is starting to get irregular, that is normal. From now on she will stop breathing, maybe first for a few seconds before her body will start breathing again on their own. These stops will take longer every time and after a while she will really stop breathing. This looks scary and maybe it feels as if the person self is suffering, but believe me, she is not feeling anything of this."
Hinata nodded, even though he didn't hear half of what the nurse was saying. All of his focus was on his mom.
And then again, his mother stopped breathing. It startled him and he quickly grabbed her hand. A part of him wanted it to be over. But another part wasn't ready for that.
After almost ten seconds his mother took one gasp, before breathing back normally. This was so unlike all the movies and anime Hinata had always watched. It wasn't supposed to be such a long process. The person just closed their eyes and that was it.
Hinata felt so tired. The late hours were starting to get to him, all the different emotions that were racing through his body took their toll on him. He couldn't stop shaking. Was this really happening, was he really sitting here watching his own mother die?
Hinata had always known that this was a possibility, but he always told himself that she would make it, that she would get better. These kinds of things weren't supposed to happen to him. He would read about death in the paper or from other people, but it wasn't supposed to be his own mother. What was he supposed to do after this? He couldn't just pick up life right where he left it.
In the end the nurse was right, the pauses between the breathing took longer each time. Until it stopped completely. Hinata could see the change in her body the moment she really left them, and he knew she was really gone.
"I love you mom." Hinata tearfully said, while carefully giving her a kiss goodbye on his mothers head.
And with that Himari Hinata, mother of Shoyo Hinata and Natsu Hinata, died.
-Haikyuu-
So this is bit of a dark chapter and I am sorry. I hope I didn't make her death to detaild, 'cause that might be hard to read for some people. I did want to make it as realistic as possible.
Also, as I said earlier I am a nursing student and am currently working at a hospital on a ward for Corona patiënts. Sadly I had a few patiënts who were dying and we had to give them palliatieve sedation, so a lot of this proces is written from experience. Since I am always on the other side, I found it diffucult, but also interesting, to write from the perspective of the family.
XXX
- Maredith