Obligatory Disclaimer: I Don't own Khr or TG or anything with copyright.
Warnings: M/M pairing, Spoiler alert for TG 1 and 2, Before canon Khr, Rated M, Polygamy, Really sporadic updates.
This wasn't the one I meant when I said I had a TG fic too, there would be one more, an oc fic, and most definitely not a crossover.
As the saying goes, you should lose control before you take control.
He woke with something hot burning him from the inside but with memories of a clothed lump on the cold ground, the scent of burnt flesh and cgc bullets, of lonely yet cheerful laugh with an adorable call of nii- chan, of a crying woman straddling him while beating down heavy yet weak fists on his chest, of a tired yet no less kind smile on a wrinkled face, of a black fox and red demon masks (not to forget the skittering of tiny claws picking on his brain), of a bespectacled fair-haired reaper bringing down a glowing quinque to cleave off his head while a clown laughs and laughs-
He coughed, a cold hand fisting over chest to feel his very human, very alive heart.
Heaving, he looked around his surrounding for the very first time - even through his frayed nerves and not quite sane state of mind, he noticed his ears weren't as sharp as before- at first he thought it was snow...but the air was not right..too humid...and nor was the colour...it was sand? a very hot sand, at that.
That wasn't right either, It's supposed to be winter right now.
He slowly picked himself from the very hot sand bed, absentmindly scratching his bare arms off the irritating sand, eyes flittering around uneasily.
There was water too, a bit ahead from where he stood.
He was confused, very much so.
Was he dead? what was even this place? Is this afterlife? purgatory? seems a bit too nice for hell to him.
A stray breeze made him shiver, and he froze, slowly, ever so slowly he looked down.
...where was his bodysuit? he was as bare as a newborn baby, thoroughly and pristinely clean.
Clean, no organ matter, no chunks of human skin, no globs of blood, no soot, all stark clean.
He was starting to have a niggling suspicion, one he really wasn't looking forward to turn out to be true.
He looked around then threw caution to wind and burst his kagune out.
At least he thought it would, which wasn't actually what happened though.
He looked behind him, bony fingers proding and groping the space above his rear.
He blinked, even his eyes weren't clear, his vision was that of a human...something wasn't right...He hurriedly stumbled over to the water body, he feels empty and not the the regular kind he often feels, this one's...different, drastically different.
Kaneki ken's grey -both- eyes widening in a horrible realisation stares back at him through the sparklingly clear water.
His...kakugan, it's not there, he tried again and again and again but no heterochromic eyes stared back at him, no pulsing red organ swishing around...
W-what...what did they do!?
Did the CCG steal what was admittedly not always rightfully his? Does this make him a human now? or was he dead? Is that it? No his... heart is beating, his nails still blackened and his hair the same coarse white but the eyes... So what? what does this mean? At one time...a long back...his skittish self would have been immensely relieved, even going as far as crying tears of joy...but now...how dare they..
He had gone through such pain, such crushing and suffocating guilt, for all the happenstances after he became half of what he was, all for...kaneki felt bright hot anger coursing through him, unlike the ones he ever experienced before, burning out all the Paranoia - useless,helpless,powerless- they had no right..absolutely no right to take them out, just like when they had no right whatsoever when they implanted them on him.
He was a human, no one helped when he was suffering (except him), then he was half of a human, no one considered helping then too -pitying doesn't count- now they want to have it back? When he just started accepting that part of him? when he realised that the world was wrong and it needs to be changed!?
-'I knew it all along...what does it matter, I don't care, let's just go home kaneki'-
He choked back a sob biting back another shiver as the wind brushed him again.
Did... did he at least receive a proper burial? They had to...yes, yes,..they had to...he was a human after all, not a ghoul not a halfling, but a full-blooded human.
Sprays of salty water stung his eyes while small splats splashed against his naked form as his knees gave out and he went down in all fours, fists clenching the wet sand in a bone white grip he lost himself to his dark thoughts.
He...couldn't even tell that stupid friend about.. how much those nonchalantly careless yet no less truthfull words meant to him. It all happened so fast...
'Look what your reluctance in accepting yourself did' he thought bitterly.
If only he had taken it all in stride, there was no reverse so why waste time wallowing in misery? he should have taken those sessions with yomo more seriously...if only he had been a bit faster...stronger..if only..he'd been more...then Hi-
He was the only one, always there, no matter how much he tried to push him away...not that he ever really tried wholeheartedly, how could he? His best friend, he's only friend till all this ghoul fiasco happened.
He never really showed that..he too saw him as his brother in all but blood...
To be accepted, especially by the people that mattered...was something precious, he learnt that from the ghoul stories Yoshimura-san used to tell him and experienced some first-hand.
He had thought he had gone through enough but now...he..
he.. didn't think he could drown in anymore guilt and the self loathing...
There was something else too...
He was ignoring it till now for the sheer disregard of anything else, but he's quite surprised he could do so, it was so blaringly out of place and new.
Something was slithering inside him at such a fast pace that he could see his pale parlour gain a reddish hue due to the high exertion it was in.
Hot..so hot...where was the breeze when you need it?, he thought bemusedly.
Weird...it's not the centipede, it's not prickly nor cold but warm and.. smooth?
He stiffened, the thought froze him physically and mentally, one shaky arm rose to clutch some fistful of coarse hair, quivering mouth set in a thin line to stop the whimpering mess that he was sure leaving his mouth in an abrupt haste.
Out! Someone! Take it out! He didn't do anything then why does he have something else inside him again!? Please! He's sorry! For whatever he did, he's sorry! He will be scorched alive from inside out at this rate! It's hot! Please! Someone, anyone take it out!?
Someone? ...someone? pathetic, How could he forget? How could he ever forget the lesson he learned in aogiri?
Stony greys glared at the water reflection like a crazed animal, hackles raising before he slumped down, and breathed in the heaviness in the salty dry air from the ocean.
Time seemed to crawl to a stop as he concentrated inside of him and made his way inch by inch through his broken mindscape, he didn't see the usual spider Lillies nor the checkered floor neither the bloodied ocean filled with non deads, he didn't know what he expected but he knew...he knew the absence of the usual always meant something new...something more bad.
Kaneki can't even feel her, which was alarming, even after he devoured the binge eater there was still a lingering sense of her, a sickeningly sweet whisper here, a ghost draping over him like a suffocating blanket there, a glint of glasses sometimes, she was always around somewhere in some form or another.
Only this time, he was alone.
Unexpectedly the thought made him sad, as it only affirmed the thought of him being a human made more thorough.
As Kaneki slowly yet no less nimbly made his way through the dark, hollow space, soudless save for the echoes of his footsteps and the frequent skittering ghost sounds.
With every step he took into the vast grey, he could feel a certain kind of heat, no, power, emanating from deep inside the space, it was like a beacon for him, a call like a siren's.
And he knew it belonged to him.
He couldn't explain how he knew, but he was certain he owned it like he owned his limbs, not something implanted, but something of him.
Which in itself was abnormal, he was only human before, a weak and pathetically fragile human, if he's a human again then what was this? why such certainity even when he knew he didn't have it before? Did the ccg nitpick his brain too when they took his organs and... then implanted something else?
He couldn't think about that disturbing thought now, he had to get to the source of this heat.
So onwards he went.
He kept trudging through his mindscape, even as the path started to maintain a faint orange hue he kept trudging forward.
After what felt like an eternity he broke through the greyness and into the warm glow of orange, he felt content at the sight, the torrents inside him had calmed enough due to a strange sense of curiosity for him to soften from his tense form.
He could see a large entrance made of a big tori gate. Grey orbs took in all its bold red glory, he took in the immense foorbooding sense it left within him, but still wanting nothing more than bask in the soothing warmth it seemed to literally ooze, even with the stranglely contradicting cold the blackened spider roots seemed to be pulsing in.
He took it all in with a childish kind of awe, so it wasn't long before his exploring homochronic orbs zeroed on the sealed tag with a burning indigo flame that had hints of black in it, seemingly hovering before him in thin air and situated right between the pillars.
The torrent inside him stuttered in their musing before morphing into an angry snarl, clawing inside him to reach out, for him to reach out.
Suicidal he was not, but his state of mind was fragile enough to crumple to the temptation of raw curiosity.
The roots of black and the the hints of blue in the flame seemed to writhe like snakeskins, reaching out for him before they brust in brilliant orange as bony fingers with blackened nails brushed by the rough surface of the tag.
He had tensed at the abrupt display but as seconds turned into minutes he could be nothing but be described a purring cat before the soft sun in winter from the warmth emanating from the flame, Not good
He hesitated before he crept towards the tori gate, the closer he came the closer he felt to something, closer to achieving something which was rightfully his.
His steps grew to a slow drag then abruptly to a stop as he took the sight before him.
There was a floating thing before him, again.
But this seemed alive, some kind of another being entirely and not just a nonliving thing with some kind of living essence. It's was a floating energised orb that seem to perk up at his presence before hovering and bouncing all around him.
He blinked at the cooing and chittering noises it let out before he poked at it with one curious finger, it seemed to freeze before cautiously rubbing itself to his finger, he twitched when the orb suddenly flung itself at his face with an overjoyed trill, squashing itself at his cheek then rigorously rubbing them, a short chuckle unexpectedly left him at the action and he peted it's soft flaming body with one hand.
It seemed to coo in reply before it seemingly grew serious then prodded at his hand persistently, he let it do as it pleased while he watched on with mild amusement, he noticed how it had gained beady black eyes now though.
It was blinking up at him questionably now, what, he tilted his head before he looked at his flaming hand.
...why was his hand on fire?
HE'S HAND IS ON FIRE! AND WASN'T HE A FRAGILE HUMAN NOW?
Beady black eyes blinked curiously as it took on the sight of the white haired boy running around waving his flaming hands in the air.
Wait...
Why isn't his hand burning? or or even turning pink from the heat? he blinked down dumbly at his still flaming hand.
The orb seed to float before him with enchanted eyes towards his hands and before he could call out, it brushed its forehead forcefully against his palm.
The flaming orb seemed to tremble before it seemed to suck the flames right out his hand, growing and growing in size...
Eyes widening and mouth parting he took a step behind from the ever building large torrent of orange flame.
'Yours...all yours...use me as you use a limb...for I'm all yours..' coarse head illuminated with a faint orange glow flopped around as kaneki searched for the young echoing voice, he's head snapped back to the brilliant flame, as the flame stilled then blinked out of existence leaving behind a transparent orb which blinked milky eyes at him before bursting into minute silvers.
He stood stock still, mind clouded, fuzzy and unable to grasp a coherent thought, not really sure about what just happened, his heart sank or maybe he did - I killed it I killed it oh I- before he jumped as the he felt heat all round him, flame surrounding all around his mindscape, thrashing and slapping against the previously cold grey stone walls, dissolving everything in unbearable -hothot- orange heat.
Grey slates vacant of short lived mirth stared around blankly at the melting expanse, he stole slow frequent gazes at one particular place before lowering his gaze down guiltyly.
He coughed and tasted soot and blood.
"I killed it" his very human vision started to blur. "I..Oh no..I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..I didn't kn-now..I..I'm really ..." who was he even really talking about? He forcibly pressed his palms against the eye socket which had his kagune to stop the overflowing rivulets of salty liquid, but it didn't work, a short harsh gasp, then a traitorous whimper left him and as the first wail left him, he knew there was no stopping anytime soon.
He wanted to curse, to yell, to scream, somehow all that came out was a pained keen, he doesn't want to taint this place, no matter how tainted it already is, never mind that the aforementioned place is his wretched mind, this was sacred, only this part, because of it.
So he sat there, drenching himself with bitter tears, mucus and drool dribbling down his chin, orange flames devouring anything and everything in sight, the smell was horrible but he paid the nauseatingly rotten burnt scent no mind, everything was catching up, the year long guilt, anger, helplessness, fear...all of it.
Choking, he wondered just why the flames weren't devouring him too, he can't take it no more, for whom? who is there for him now? he can't go back to the ghouls like this, he doesn't have anyone else, he doesn't..he doesn't have a place to belong to..so ironic...an outcast till the very end.. just where and how would he even go from wherever kaneki woke up from? the weather was the complete opposite, just how far... maybe he is dead afterall..dead...he doesn't care anymore...all he knows, is that he's tired...Too tired to live if he's still alive, that is..he blinked...trying to clear the black staining his human vision. When it only got worse, sighing wearily, he gave in.
The last thing he heard was a muffled echo of his broken state echoed back by the burning expanse before the mindscape turned black.
Merry Christmas! I apologise for the delay, I would update the others soon, just has too much on my plate as of now.