To Innocence

"Maxwell," she began, "Max. He's my husband." The simple sentence seemed to immediately suck the air out of the room. "On paper," she added, "technically. We're getting divorced, but it's okay. We're good. It's not ugly or anything. It's friendly."

"That's good." He tried to sound sincere, at least more sincere than he felt. At least the words he'd chosen to say in that moment could pass for honesty. He couldn't pretend to be sorry she wasn't in a relationship. He couldn't pretend he was sorry her marriage had ended. He wasn't. Thinking of her with someone else, no matter who it was, wasn't something he could ever allow himself to do. "It's always better to be civil if there are kids involved. It's better if you can walk away and stay friends."

"Friends is all it ever should have been honestly." It was that realization that had taken her a few too many weeks to realize and far longer to say out loud. "I met Max in Chicago," she began again. "We were both at an internet marketing seminar. He works with pharmaceutical promotions – those commercials you see for drug companies and stuff."

Billy nodded both to show his understanding and to give her encouragement to continue. He needed to understand.

"He's a good guy, a great guy really and we hit it off almost instantly. He's smart, but not arrogant and he doesn't have that thing that a lot of guys have where they're intimidated by successful women. We got along well, talked about work and strategy and things like that. He told me he lived in Raleigh and he contracted with some of the big drug companies. By the end of the week, I knew about his wife and the fact that they were expecting their first child."

"So he was married?" The flash of hurt in her eyes made him backtrack quickly. "I didn't mean it like that," he added. "I'm not judging or anything. God knows I certainly can't."

"I know," she nodded. "And it wasn't anything like that anyway." She leaned back into the cushions before going forward. "Before we left, we exchanged business cards and contact information, but I really thought that was it. I never expected to see or hear from him again."

"But I guess you did."

"Yeah. It was about two weeks later and I was sitting in my office and my cell phone rang. I hadn't added him in as a contact and it wasn't a number that I recognized so I almost just let it go to voice mail but, for whatever reason, I didn't. It was Max. He was telling me about a job that was opening here. One of the major hospitals here was looking for someone with internet marketing experience to help them really amp up their advertising online. They wanted a fresh, new perspective and he thought I might be interested."

"In working for the medical field?" Billy leaned back a bit. His skepticism had nothing to do with her abilities, but rather her personality. Phyllis was capable of anything, but he couldn't envision her spark and energy being satisfied by synthesizing FDA regulations and putting a positive spin on side effects."

"It was a big change and he knew that." She shrugged as she remembered her own initial hesitation. "I was a bit taken aback at first. I mean, I don't have any sort of experience in that field as you know and I was more than a little doubtful that they'd be willing to take a chance on someone like me whose previous work experience was a gossip magazine, a cosmetic company, and a fashion division. But he promised he'd put in a good word for me and he really talked this place up. The salary was almost too good to believe and you can't beat the benefits package so I kind of felt like I'd be crazy to not at least consider it."

He blinked and shook his head.

"What? You don't think I should have …"

"No. It's none of my business, right? And besides, you've clearly done well. I guess I just never realized you weren't happy working with Jabot. Jack told me you'd decided to move to the partner company based in Chicago, but I just assumed that you were happy and fulfilled and …"

"I wasn't unhappy exactly. My life was just …" She paused and searched her mind for the right word to explain the feeling. "It just felt empty." Her eyes met his for a brief moment before the heavy feeling settled over them again. She glanced away. "You know?"

He didn't quite trust his own words and chose instead to nod in agreement. God did he ever know. Empty was a word he knew and understood intimately. It was the way his life had felt for years now. His children were the only bright spot in his existence.

"And truthfully," She said the words a bit brighter now, desperate to lift the heaviness between them. "It probably helped that he was talking to me in January. We were sitting under 11 inches of snow the day he called and we were expecting another six that night. He's Facetiming me from his deck where he's wearing shorts and a t-shirt."

"So the Chicago winters were a bit too much for you?"

"Well, they don't exactly call it the Windy City for nothing." She smiled a bit nervously. "Anyway, I agreed to come and at least do the interview and within a week, I was apartment hunting in Durham."

"Durham?"

She nodded. "I told you it was a long story. I started out contracting with Duke and it basically evolved from there. Max was great. He introduced me to all the higher ups. His wife, Marah, was so sweet and you could tell how happy and in love they were. They were so excited about the baby."

The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes told him that something was about to change – the happy, sweet story she told was about to take a turn.

Her eyes darkened as she remembered the events of the day. It was still disturbingly clear in her memory. "I was at the office when he called. His voice was so strange. He didn't even sound like himself. Marah had gone to the store to pick up a few things and, on her way back, a tractor trailer had crossed over the center line and hit her head on. The doctors did everything they could, but she had severe head trauma. There was pressure and bleeding in and around the brain and they declared her brain dead almost immediately. We all knew that she was gone."

"What about the baby?"

"They weren't sure at first. It was still too early to deliver, so they had to keep Marah on the machines for a while, just so they baby could keep growing and …" She stopped for a moment and swallowed hard. "It was horrible, knowing she was gone, but not really being able to let her go because she was still there."

"And you were there for Max during all of this?"

"I tried to be. I didn't know what to do and I sure as hell didn't know what to say, so I just started staying there so he wouldn't be alone. I could pretty much work from anywhere with an internet connection, so I would bring my laptop and set up a mobile office in the room. I'd work and we'd talk about anything and everything – everything but what was actually going on in that room. And there was something about it that felt good. I felt like I had a purpose again even if I wasn't sure my being there was really helping or not."

"I'm sure you were helping." He touched her arm briefly before pulling back, well aware of the fact that touching her was a privilege he'd long since lost.

She smiled. "And then one day it was time and she was here. He asked me if I wanted to hold her and I did." The memories came flooding back to her like a wave. She could hear the sounds in the room, the slight beeps of the machines behind her. She could smell the intoxicating baby smell that somehow overtook the sickeningly antiseptic smell of the hospital. "I fell in love with her right then. I wouldn't have loved her any more if she'd been mine."

Her eyes sparkled with tears and emotion and he could see how much she meant each and every word. "She's lucky to have you," he whispered.

"I'm the lucky one. And sometimes it's hard not to feel guilty. I mean, this horrible, awful thing happens and I walk away with this gift." She shook her head. "But Max …" She forced air back into her lungs. "It wasn't the same for him. He loves her. That's never been an issue. I've never doubted that for a second, but when he looks at her, it hurts. He sees Marah there and it breaks his heart and every time that happens he feels more and more guilty. It's better now than it was, but at first it was really bad, so bad that he had a tough time bonding with her. I knew that they were struggling. I could see it and so I offered to stay with them. Honestly, I'm not even sure how it happened from there. It's like we were living like a family one day and then the next day we really were."