"
beyond the terror in the nightfall
haunted by the look in my eyes
that would've loved you for a lifetime
leave it all behind
and there is happiness
"
Taylor Swift, Happiness
Regina, with the poise of a queen, crossed the threshold of her home before allowing herself to crumble. She practically fell into the entryway, supporting herself by the door. The air was cold and the tears she had been holding back were finally allowed to be released. She screamed in frustration as she lowered herself to the floor. Hot tears leaked from her eyes as her hands tried to dig into the unforgiving marble. She could feel power crackling beneath her skin, looking for an escape, but there was no one to blame but herself.
Had she just let Marian die the first time, she would be happy. She would still have him. She would have everything. But no, she let herself be fooled into believing that if she just did the right thing. If she just held on a bit longer. Then everything would turn out in the end. If she just believed a bit harder or had a bit more faith or hope, or whatever the Charmings liked to call it, that her life and her destiny could somehow bring about a happy ending for her. Looking back, she realized one fatal error. Hope was for heroes. Not villains. Not her. Hope was a pathetic virtue that when sought after by villains, only served to weaken them until they lost everything. Regina hadn't realized her hands, having been able to do nothing more than scratch the marble, were digging into the flesh on her arms. As much as it hurt, she realized that pain caused the other to subside. That pain in her arms, for a very brief second, numbed that which was burning hotly in her chest. She screamed louder and dug her nails deeper until the pain was too much. Her hands dropped as the power and anger she had been feeling seemed to drain. She let out another sob and realized that amongst the sadness, she felt hollow. Empty.
She was done trying so hard to prove to everyone that she was good. She was done trying to change what her fate had in store. Maybe, she had to let go of this magical idea of happiness that wasn't meant for her. Regina wiped away her tears. With the strength of her resolve, she pushed herself up and walked back out the door.
The night air chilled her bones, leaves in the trees rustled, some of them springing loose and floating, suspended in the air around her. She marched on, headed for the cliff at the edge of Storybrook.
She wasn't going after Robin, no. Regina had changed. She had become a better person and found it nearly infuriating that her conscience had such a hold. But it did. And she would not interfere. But that did not mean she would spend the rest of her life trying to live in a place hellbent on ensuring her suffering. No, tonight she would end it once and for all.
At the cliff, Regina found herself overlooking the small town. A few cars still littered the roads while windows had a faint glow of light shining through, reminding Regina of the happy families that would spend the night in a warm home surrounded by love.
No one cared that she was up there. No one cared that she had given up everything and deep down, realizing she wanted them to, made her all the angrier. She approached the edge and peered down at the sharp rocks below. Maybe this would be her happy ending. The ending to a disappointing, worthless, meaningless, pathetic life.
Regina closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, filling her lungs and preparing her mind for her final moments.
"Regina? What the hell are you doing up here?"
Regina swung her head around and lost balance, her foot slipped and she could feel herself falling, screaming out for help. She sensed something, a gust of wind swooping beneath her at the last minute and lifting her back to the edge of the cliff. When she was able to get her bearings, she looked up to see Emma Swan standing there, her hands out in front of her and her yellow bug a bit further down the road behind a tree. When she was sure Regina was safe from the cliff she lowered her hands, wiping the residual magic on her jeans as if she were dusting off the dirt.
"Why am I not surprised. I can't do anything in this town without Miss Swan hanging around like some toddler." Emma was not fazed by Regina's snarky reply. She only repeated her question. Regina, processing what just happened, dropped her sarcasm.
"Regina?" Emma questioned when another beat of silence passed. Regina only starred back, tears brimming but determined to be strong. It was the only thing she could be at the moment.
"Emma, you don't understand." The distance between them was filled with a cold silence that was hard to break and while it would have been much easier to magic herself back to her home, or her vault, she couldn't. Maybe because she was tired, maybe because she was grateful to have someone around to catch her. Whatever the reason, she had neither the energy nor the time to fully interrogate it.
Tentatively, Emma took a step forward, and Regina, without thinking, moved towards Emma and further away from the edge. Emma could see the tears brimming Regina's eyes, and to Regina's own surprise, she could tell Emma had been crying as well. Her face was flushed but her eyes were bloodshot and she could hear Emma sniffle. The silence between the women no longer felt icy. Regina realized everything from the last few days had been bottling inside her, trying to find an escape and while she didn't find herself particularly wanting to confide in Emma, she couldn't stop the words from tumbling out.
"Robin is gone," Regina confessed,speaking the words aloud made it all the more real. A sob clawing its way up from the back of her throat threatened to break her. She could see several emotions play across Emma's face; sadness, guilt, sympathy. Regina continued, "And I'm alone. Again. But that shouldn't be surprising." Regina, unable to maintain her composure, raked her hands through her hair, pulling the ends before letting her arms wrap around herself; her tears began flowing freely, her shoulders shaking as the weight of her despair began to crush her. Began to take the only thing she had left: her strength.
Moments passed and unexpectedly, she felt arms around her. Pulling her in. Emma Swan held Regina, stroking her hair and letting her cry. Regina stiffened for a second before letting her body fall onto Emma. Her face was buried in Emma's red leather jacket and allowed Emma's warmth to comfort her sorrows.
The sounds of the forest and night seemed to fade away and all she could hear was her own labored breathing beginning to slow and two heartbeats, slowly marching along, one much stronger than the other but both surviving. After a few minutes, Regina's tears stopped. She wiped her eyes and felt Emma slowly release her. Pulling in her composure, Regina took several steadying breaths before daring to look up at Emma.
"Thank you," was all her reply before walking past Emma, towards her house. As she began making her way back through the forest and towards town, she could feel her power returning. Despite knowing the world was conspiring against her, she was ready to face it. She would never again hideaway or run out of fear of her fate. Because in the end, her own fate, her own happiness, was in her hands. She would take back control, and though her happy ending is unclear, she was going to get it. She would do whatever it takes because she has someone who believes in her. Someone's faith. Someone's hope. All in her and she wanted so badly to prove to everyone, but most importantly to herself, that she could find a life worth living.