Warnings: soft idiots trying to communicate, light angst, Khun likes to curse.
They all meet at the 33rd floor. It's just a check in. They don't actually intend to take the test together. But one large hotel cabin (that Bam pays for before any of them can notice) that's more like a mansion, even to Khun himself, is much easier than a lot of smaller ones. This is especially true on this crowded mountain,where people tend to make this floor a vacation spot that you can only see the distant roofs of any other villas.
Nobody splits off into teams immediately. No one cares. It's warm and cozy and the fire is crackling. Also for some reason there's enough food to last a month, even for their motley, giant crew. Khun and Isu swear up and down that it's not the test. They swear. They've done all the digging they can; it cannot be the test.
Then the speakers at the corners of the living room area blare. "Greetings Regulars and welcome to this test of the 33rd floor!"
All of them look at each other.
"What," says Khun flatly.
"What?" echoes around the cabin. Well from everyone except two people. Hwaryun, who is sitting next to Bam, is shaking her head and smirking, and Bam himself, who is staring out the window in a way that Khun doesn't like, but can't quite explain why. He's seen Bam stare off at windows, or at things, or even just in general. He's also seen Bam stare at him while doing things and while he's never said anything, he's starting to wonder if he should.
"Due to the sudden change in weather, we are having a surprise emergency test. There will be a snowstorm arriving in the next five hours and we offer two choices for you. Climb down the mountain with all of your party and survive the monsters with only the supplies you can carry, or wait out the storm. The storm is expected to last a week due to the recalibration of shinsu balance in the air. Due to this any teleportation devices, flight techniques and vehicles are not recommended barring transfer back down to a lower floor. We apologize for the sudden change in plans. This is your friendly test admin, Haravi, signing off!"
The speakers go silent.
All of them look at each other.
"Shit," Isu says.
Khun glances at Bam and Hwaryun. The latter looks amused and whispers something in Bam's ear. Bam shoots her an incredulous look. "Either of you want to share with the class?"
Bam takes a deep breath, exhales, and says, "She warned me ahead of time. I didn't know what everyone would choose but I wanted to make sure everyone would be able to be safe, since I had the ability."
Khun has a question for that, but the tight line of Bam's mouth makes him hesitate. He turns his mind to the situation. They probably could descend the mountain. Horyang would be a better guard against everything, but he was still back at the resort.
"Does anyone have experience in mountain climbing or climbing in the cold?" he asks his current team.
They all look at each other and Ehwa hesitantly says, "This will be my first time seeing snow."
Prince and Miseng also nod.
Well fuck that, guess this isn't happening. That's a health hazard, a death wish, and a stubbornly bad new experience all rolled up into one. He wouldn't dare risk doing this without Bam with them, if only for the potential many uses of Blue Oar and Rak's decompressed bulk. Then again, Rak was coldblooded, so they probably weren't going to go down either.
"What about you, Isu?" He's not in a particular hurry, but if they have five hours, relatively speaking, before they're stuck together, they should get some supplies Bam wouldn't have thought of. Like more firewood, and some chargers or something.
Isu exhales. "The test we failed was the mountain one."
"We'll pass this time," says Verdi with all the enthusiasm of a creepy child. Khun sees Miseng scooting away from her out of the corner of his eye. He's almost sympathetic.
"Probably not a good idea," Hatz says. "We have room here. And if we go out and take too long we'll be stuck and die."
Anak makes a face. "Too fucking cold."
"Thank you for having forethought, Bam," is what Khun says to that.
Bam tries to smile, but it doesn't touch his eyes. "There's plenty of room," he says, looking down.
And that is that.
…
Shibisu and Khun take shifts and separate the food. Rak is, thankfully, asleep, so they can hide his bananas for at least a few hours. It's unanimously decided that Bam, Amigochaz and Arkraptor are exclusively on cooking duty. There is a time and place for learning new things and it is not when you are about to be snowed in. (Khun is thanking his forward thinking that Chang isn't here. He knows for a fact Quaetro can cook, but he simultaneously knows that Chang will encourage him to burn the fucking cabin down just to be a prick.) There are no complaints.
Everyone else takes cleaning duty in shifts, barring Endorsi, Ehwa and Verdi who are running around getting extra firewood.
Thank god Ran isn't here. He knows why his little brother refused and he doesn't mind: social is not in the Khun family genetics, especially not Maschenny lines. He doesn't need Ran and Rak to start fighting, but the distraction would be nice to figure out what's going on with Bam, who is sitting outside, staring up at the sky.
According to Rak he does this with alarming frequency when not training. According to Sweet and Sour he usually had done that, sometimes when overwhelmed by them (Goseng), to brood (Ehwa), to think (Wangnan), because he overheated (Arkraptor), or just because (Prince). It doesn't really bother Khun, except for the fact that this is Bam hiding away and closing himself off, and that's just not how Bam does things. Or well, the Bam he had known had not done these things.
But then Bam has never been open in his thoughts without prompting, and it's been nearly nine years.
He should probably say something. The snow is falling slowly now, little, beautiful flakes that stick slowly to the ground. Bam's breath is little clouds, puffing out in the air. His hands are in his pockets, but he's seeing something for certain.
Khun knows he could say something, easily. Like, "get in here, Bam, you'll freeze to death" or "what are you thinking about that's so interesting" or "if you're going to hide from Endorsi, outside is not a good place", but none of these roll off of the tongue, and none of these fit the solemn look on Bam's face.
It's been almost ten years for all of them, and maybe Bam is feeling that weight now in a way they've always had to.
No, that's conceited. Bam has always had that, he's just had no one to share it with… and that's an emotional ticking time bomb he is not ready to confront oh boy, oh fuck.
Opening the glass door is like walking across the ocean. The distance is somehow worse than when Bam was dead because he can cross it, surely. Just put one foot in front of the fucking other.
Yeah, sure, okay.
He knocks on the glass. Bam turns immediately and a little light sparkles in his eyes, a big brilliant bit of hope and glee and it's, objectively, hecking adorable. But he will never say that, he is not Isu for fuck's sake and god.
Bam wanders towards him and he's still not smiling and Khun doesn't know what to say.
Bam pushes the door open and smiles now, weakly. "Sorry, I just needed a few minutes."
"We all do but maybe don't do it at the risk of your extremities next time." The words are automatic, too casual, he thinks, but Bam smiles shyly at him. Shy and curious and something extra.
"I'll be more careful," is what Bam says instead of "I promise" and it hurts because Bam is already better with not making promises he can't keep and he knows why. He knows all too well why.
"Come on, we've got the fire started." Khun feels himself reach too far and grab Bam's hand in his own. His hands are freezing but Khun has tasted so much worse cold. Bam stares at him and for a moment Khun thinks he's miscalculated. Then the hand closes over his in return.
He knows not to do things he's not certain are worth struggling for. The problem remains in: what is he going to struggle in. He knows what he's struggling for, he thinks, doesn't he?
He thinks of Dan's blood messily drawn on ugly wallpaper, Gyetang's body smelling up a crematorium, thinks of the lost and hopeless look in Bam's eyes before he'd even known it was Bam.
Thinks of her pretending to cry.
I'm doing this for him, Khun tells himself. And for me. It will be worth it.
Bam just follows him towards the living room. They're still holding hands (oh dear god) and Bam doesn't seem to mind. He's shivering a little, which he'd better be, the idiot. But he doesn't really seem to be paying attention regardless. He sits on the sofa, sinking into it with a soft yelp. "Too soft," he mumbles.
Khun laughs and hands him a blanket, having to let go of the chilled fingers. Somehow he feels cold after that instead. Strange. "You should have bought a place with tougher sofas."
Bam smiles and for a moment, the faraway look is gone, eyes glimmering brightly. "But if I did, everyone else would be uncomfortable."
"You would worry about that in a house of people who are finally used to floors."
Bam laughs and it feels good. But his face is stiff.
Khun gestures and Bam obediently wraps himself in the blanket and stares into the fire.
Khun watches him, watches the fire crackle over his face behind the grate. "Ehwa-ssi didn't start this, did she?" Bam asks before the silence can grow awkward again.
Khun lets out a snort. It still feels awkward. "No. It was Hatz I think."
Bam smiles. "That's good. I wouldn't want her to be worried about it."
Khun is suddenly even more glad Bam hadn't been in the room.
"Aren't you going to sit down?"
Khun freezes. Wait is that allowed? "Would you like me to be?"
Bam nods slowly. "I missed spending time with Khun-ssi." His gaze is somewhere else for a moment. "Rak-ssi doesn't like to rest much and Hwaryun-ssi and I don't… our relationship is complicated."
Khun nods along. "Because she manipulated you?" That would be his reasoning anyway, though his response, clearly, would be different from Bam's.
"Because we're alike and because of the manipulation."
Khun raises an eyebrow. "I can't see it." And he isn't sure he wants to, really.
"It's hard to explain if you don't see it firsthand," Bam admits. He fiddles with the hem of the blanket and says nothing for a while. "Have you seen snow before, Khun-ssi?"
"The floor I lived on often had some brutal winters in the middle of the year." It was also when the Khun family cullings took place. Few children had or used the ice element so they suffered and were sluggish or didn't prepare appropriately enough. "It's nasty. This storm won't be half as bad I imagine."
"If we aren't able to fly it might be," Bam muses. "I've never really been around snow so I don't know."
"Shame this is the first bit of it that you get to see. Light snow is rather beautiful and once it's fallen, everything gets very quiet."
"Do you like the snow?"
"Sometimes. I probably won't like it like this, I think."
"I don't think anyone will." Bam smiles again and Khun thinks he's on the cusp of something. But then Bam opens the blanket and says, "Will you sit with me?"
And Khun is helpless in the face of what someone wants and even more helpless in the face of what Bam wants so he folds himself next to Bam under the giant quilt.
Bam lets out a great, heaving sigh of contentment. Khun listens, the heat of the fire dancing on his face. He isn't flushed, but there's a warm prickle to his skin.
Maybe he needs this more than he thinks he does.
It's about an hour later that Bam dozes off beside him and it's, look, it's just really bad for Khun's heart. But moving will wake him up and god knows how long he'd been here getting things ready for them. He figures keeping Bam warm and sharing a blanket is just fair trade.
… Okay he's not even fooling himself anymore.
…
Khun opens his eyes to find himself wrapped in the quilt. There's a cushion under his head, which means Bam woke up and gently coaxed him into a lying position. He doesn't know how to feel about that. On the one hand he had probably been laying on Bam, which is nice, normal, understandable (he thinks, he'd shared a bed with Isu enough times during tests, he doesn't know what's normal between people or not now, he's realized). On the other, he'd have liked to be asleep on Bam - nope stop that thought, stop that right now.
There's the smell of something sweet like cinnamon, something soft and warm with the crackling fire.
"You're thinking too much." The voice of the red witch is low but clear, a distance away. "You're always thinking too much for someone who doesn't use his brain."
"That may be a source of my stress," Bam says. His voice is just as quiet but there's a low tone to it that sounds like Bam wants to laugh but can't. Like it's something he shouldn't laugh at. It's almost, dare he think, cute and melancholy. "But it takes me longer to find my words than everyone else, it feels like, so I think about them for two hours too long."
"That's what happens when you're stuck with Hansung for company."
If Khun wasn't as cynical as the day is long, he may almost swear that was an apology.
Bam only smiles and Khun can see it even if he's not looking. "That is true."
There is a little squelching noise and Bam giggle-snorts. "Why am I making this?"
"It's warm and comforting during a howling blizzard."
"You're worse than me."
"And yet I have been correct."
Bam sighs, like this is all so much work.
Khun opens his eyes then and sits up. He does not want to hear this conversation go any further. The creak of the sofa makes Bam turn for a moment and smile at him. He looks almost like the day they met, but somewhat taller.
"Khun-ssi," he says. "Sorry I let you sleep."
"No worries." And it's not, really. "I have the first watch tonight so the nap helped. What are you making?"
"Cocoa," he says. "With cinnamon."
"Interesting." He wanders over to watch and Hwaryun, thankfully, wanders away.
He has no idea what the look is about and he doesn't care.
Okay, he cares a little. Not enough to say anything to it, but enough that when Bam doesn't say anything as she leaves, he notes it to himself for later.
Much later, as it turns out.
…
The snow hits just as everyone locks the doors, finishes blocking heat through any open spaces, and reinforcing the windows with storm shutters. Dinner is MREs because they'd rather get through those before cooking big meals. No one complains. They're too god damn cold.
Eventually, everyone but Khun, Rak, Prince, Miseng, and Arkraptor go to bed. Hatz goes to watch from the other side of the cabin, but he might fall asleep. Arkraptor herds the kids to get ready for their own watch in little obscure areas, even though they say they aren't children, they are and that's fine. They still need to keep watch, in case anyone tries to climb up and go after their actually prepared
Rak is there, staring at Khun. Not judgingly, he looks miserable (he makes sure to take a picture of Rak with a runny nose with his pocket on silent because he knows Rak would do the same for him once he was sure he was fine.), but just expectant.
"Do you know what's wrong with black turtle?"
Khun pauses, because usually Rak knows what's wrong with Bam, maybe not the source but that it's something. "Don't you?"
"I wouldn't ask you if I knew, blue turtle." Rak sneezes again, and it's hilarious. "He's been especially tucked into his shell since we got here."
"Have you asked?"
Rak almost appears offended. "I'm not you, blue turtle."
Which… okay he kind of deserves that.
"He says he's not ready to speak."
"So leave him alone."
"For a week by himself?" The offense in Rak's voice is downright disgusting. "No blue turtle. You must speak to the black turtle!"
It's not that Khun is against it but when someone puts his back against the wall it makes him leery on principle. "You think I can get through to him?"
"I think he will be honest with you, if you are honest with him, blue turtle."
And with that, Rak hops off the sofa and waddles away, leaving Khun to his thoughts.
Well, he was definitely not going to be able to sleep soundly tonight.
...
Khun does mean to ask. He does mean to help Bam cook (or watch, generally, as Bam will hit your hands with a wooden spoon if you get in his way) or take watch shifts with him, or at least be in the same room as him. But everything keeps happening.
Ehwa gets a cold. They aren't sure how, but the temperature is probably too low for her, so she gets bundled up and deals with Hwaryun feeding her chicken soup and tending to her with this deadpan look of bemusement on her face. If Khun was a betting man, he put money down about why the pyro's face is actually red.
He thinks that's why Bam is leaving a pot simmering on the counter anyway. And laughing.
They nearly get broken into twice, but apparently Shibisu found storm shutters that work on gods because the windows don't even crack. The doors are covered by hat stands and some weird shinsu lock that Laure comes up with so they all shut up about it.
Also Prince nearly causes a power out. According to Wangnan this is not the first time.
Khun doesn't want to know, honest.
At night three though, Khun does manage to glimpse more of what Rak is observing. It's not just him, or Rak, or Isu or Endorsi. Bam is actually avoiding everyone.
Unless he's cooking, or dragged down with Miseng, the only time Khun sees Bam is asleep in bed in the night after his watches, or when tagging out with him for staying up on the couch.
That's definitely not like Bam, no matter how reclusive Sweet and Sour claim he had been in the past.
He takes a shift upstairs, second this time. It's at three in the morning, when he's half heartedly going through plans for later floors and messages from Novick, that he sees Bam outright. He knows better than to dig too deep into planning for anything because it distracts him from watch, no matter how boring watch may be.
That is, in a nutshell, why he catches a glimpse of black long pajama pants and a white shirt turning around the corner as quickly as they had come. "Bam?" he says.
The person freezes and then Bam peeks out from around the corner. "Khun-ssi," he murmurs. "Sorry, I just, I forgot someone would be up here." He takes a step to head back down the stairs.
Khun takes a deep breath, and then calls out. "Bam, wait."
Bam turns back to him, golden eyes murky and baffled. "Khun-ssi."
Khun tries to smirk but the late hour and the concern thudding in his chest makes it harder than it feels it needs to be. "Keep me company? It's boring over here."
For a moment, there's another brief sparkle of hope, but it shutters down so fast Khun wonders if he imagined it. But Bam nods and goes to sit next to him. He isn't as close as he would usually be and good lord Rak is right. Something is wrong.
But he settles eventually and looks up at the roof, where the empty sky blurs dark colors of shinsu.
Khun shifts. "What are you looking at?" he asks, before he can stop himself.
"I'm not," Bam says. "I'm…" he stops, looks at his hands, looks back up. "I'm still trying to understand."
"The tower?" Rachel?
"Everything." Bam smiles. "There is a whole big world out there and I apparently mean something to it, but there is nothing up there to tell me what."
"Are we not enough?"
He means it as a joke and for a moment, he thinks it lands. But then Bam says, "Do I mean something to everyone?"
Khun goes stiff. The words "of course you do" get stuck in his throat.
"I'm glad I'm back with everyone," he says. "It's hard to imagine where I'd be without you. I'm glad you're here."
You means everyone, Khun knows. He doesn't dare think it means him specifically. He's too inexperienced with optimism to try.
"But I'm not sure I belong here anymore." Bam swallows. "Hwaryun-ssi and I get along and I missed Rak-ssi and he's very supportive, and, and maybe I'm just being selfish. But I miss you and Wangnan-ssi and all of Sweet and Sour and I miss her and I know I shouldn't. I know but I -"
He stops and Khun expects tears but they don't come. Of all things, Bam is smiling. "If I understood, it'd be okay. I'd, be able to get through it but I don't. I miss everyone but it seems like, it's…"
Don't say it, Khun thinks, numb. Don't say it. Please Bam, please don't be thinking that.
"It may be better if after this we don't meet again at the Hell Train." Breath almost whooshes out of Khun until Bam continues. "I don't think it will do much good if I'm around or not."
Khun wants to hug Bam. He wants to provide comfort. He wants to tell him so many things that are stuck in his throat, bubbling like acid and lava.
He wants to regret what he's doing. But he thinks of the shade of yellow that Bam misses. He thinks of the woman absconding in the night like a vigilante instead of a coward. He thinks of Dan's legs, he thinks of Gyetang's corpse, two people who had done nothing to you.
He thinks of eight nearly wasted years.
He does not regret.
He pulls Bam to lean against him. Bam goes limp against him, leaving him more in Khun's lap than against his shoulder. Khun looks down. Bam's hands are curled into fists, legs dangling over the couch.
Outside the wind is quiet. A few stray flakes pass by the windows.
"I miss you."
Those three words come out much too hoarse for Khun's liking but he pushes through it. Bam's eyes are fixed on his chin, baffled.
"I think I missed you every day. Even if R-, even if she hadn't done anything, you were gone and there was no way I could forget that. It wasn't, it wasn't happy. I doubt it was the same as you with FUG but I don't think any of us got out unscathed. But I don't think any of us were really ready to get you back either."
"Hm?"
"We all had to live these years without you. And you come back, and you're different to what we remember. There was something important we lost. And you, you are brilliant, even now. You kept a part of yourself intact despite everything. You're stronger now. You hesitate less. I intend to support you still, but none of us know how to handle the reality before our eyes. That's why we climb the tower, to get the dream back, I imagine."
Khun exhales. "That's a lot of million point words for me to say that I miss you and I want to be stronger and be better, and make your hard work not useless."
"But Khun-ssi isn't useless. I'm just being…"
"You're lonely." Khun looks down at those brilliant tired eyes. "We forgot how lonely you would feel."
Bam looks away.
"We should have remembered. I should have." Khun grins. "But we have a couple more days, right? We can bother Rak, and all sit in the front by the fire and do something stupid. Like old times, right?"
Bam smiles. It touches his eyes.
And yet Khun feels like he's missing something very important.
At least until Bam scoots over to rest properly with his head in Khun's lap and closes his eyes. "Thank you for indulging me, Khun-ssi."
"Anytime, Bam."
But it's not indulgent. It's not a whim of a spoiled child. It's just that Bam misses them and doesn't know how to word it and yet he's trying desperately to figure out what he did wrong.
"It's my first winter I've seen in the tower on a floor," Bam says in a soft voice. "My first snow."
"Not a great one, is it?" Khun asks.
"It's okay," Bam tells him. His voice is starting to get drowsy. "I'm with you. It's just fine."
Khun makes a noise of bemusement and joy all wrapped up into one chortle. "Glad to be on your list of important people, Bam."
"You are," Bam says. "You and Rak-ssi kept me alive to be here, thank you for that. Even if… I'm sorry to you for everything, I'm thankful for you too…"
"Go to sleep, Bam," Khun orders, pretending his heart isn't in his throat.
That he does not regret.
That he will not change his mind. He won't. He will still kill Rachel. He will still make her pay for everything.
But he will make it up to Bam too. When it's over, the three of them will climb together like nothing's wrong. Like those days on the second floor. All of them will be free and peaceful. Just like this.
Bam dozes underneath his fingers and he touches his hair. It's still soft and fluffy and delicate, but at what cost?
Maybe Bam won't forgive him for going behind his back. But that's far in the future. This is now, the moment where the snow is blowing about and everything is quiet and Bam is right here, sleeping beside him.
Right now, Khun doesn't have to let Bam go.
So he won't.
A/N: I DID IT. On time! Woo! quiveringleaves I hope you liked it. My other prompt ideas kind of exploded so I was like, I need something minisized. I think this turned out well and in character and cuteish. This is for the khunbam nation discord secret santa. Thank you for letting me write this!