There are only two things I have to say for this chapter: 1, don't hate Beca or Chloe. 2, hang in there! There's some angst in this chapter, for sure.
Day 7- Can We Please Not Do This?
Beca does her best to ignore the third phone call that comes in from Chloe the next morning, but her willpower is starting to die down. After a three hour long conversation with Emily last night, she decided that she needed time before she talked to Chloe again. Emily had given her the same advice as Efron did, but Beca- of course- ignored it.
Right as the fourth call comes in, though, Beca gives in and answers it. "Hello?"
"I didn't think you were going to answer." Chloe's voice sounds tired and sad, and it breaks Beca's heart even more than it already is.
"I wasn't going to." She admits honestly, surprising both Chloe and herself. "I don't even know what to say right now."
"That's ok. Because, if I'm being honest… I don't either. I just needed to hear your voice." Her voice cracks. "Do you hate me?"
Beca sighs, rubbing her forehead with the palm of her hand. "I could never hate you." She whispers. "And look, I'm sorry for the way I reacted last night. I was just… surprised, is all."
"No, Beca, don't apologize. I shouldn't have pressured you into kissing me last night, no matter how badly I wanted you too."
"Wait… what?"
"Shit." Beca freezes, her breath catching in her throat as she realizes exactly what it is Chloe just said. "Pretend I didn't say that." Her voice comes out panicky and worried, but Beca knows she can't listen.
"I can't do that. Uh…" she sighs, running a hand down her face. "What are you doing right now?"
"Nothing, why?"
"Come over." She blurts out before she can change her mind. "Come over so we can talk. I can't… I'm not going to be able to get past this if we don't figure it out."
"I'll be over in ten minutes." With that, she hangs up. Beca slams her head into the counter, groaning as loud as physically possible before sending Emily a frantic text. Chloe's coming over and I have no idea what to do, dude.
Relax, Beca. Just tell her how you feel and figure things out.
HOW?! She almost screams out loud, she's that frustrated and worried. She said she WANTED ME TO KISS HER.
Whoah. Beca waits as the three bubbles show up again, indicating that she's still typing. So, what does this mean?
I have no fucking clue. That's WHY I'M TEXTING YOU.
Ok, first of all, calm down. Emily quickly sends. Do you want to scare her away?
No… Beca groans again, glancing at the time- it's only been a minute since she hung up with Chloe, but it feels like a lifetime to her.
Didn't think so.
What do I do?
You talk to her. That's all the advice I can give you. After a second, she adds, I'll take you out for lunch if this doesn't go well. I'm feeling a lot better.
Thank you. She lets out a soft sigh that quickly turns into a yawn. As she reaches up to rub her eyes, she realizes she's still in last night's clothing. I seriously owe you for all the shit you've helped me with. After sending the second message, she sets her phone down and makes her way to her room, immediately opening her closet. Deciding that it's not super important what she wears, she opts for black, ripped skinny jeans, a black tank-top, and a black and white flannel. She realizes after that she looks exactly like Freshman Beca, but she simply shrugs as she goes back downstairs. Five minutes have passed, she realizes when she glances at the clock on her wall again. About four more before Chloe gets here.
She grabs her phone and reads the text from Emily that came while she was changing; No you don't. Bellas for life, dude. Remember?
Despite how worried and terrible she feels right now, she can't help but laugh at Emily's text. Bellas for life.
Don't forget to brush your hair and teeth, by the way.
Beca freezes, realizing that's exactly what she forgot to do. Deciding to play it off as a joke, though, she texts, Jeez, Mom, I know.
Just making sure. What time is she coming over?
Another glance at the clock; two minutes have passed. With a gulp as her heart starts beating harder, she responds, In like 2 minutes.
Then GO! Why are you still texting me?
I don't fucking know! I'll see you later.
If it doesn't work it.
It most likely won't.
Not with that attitude it won't.
I'm leaving now. Not wanting to see the young Bella's response, she powers her phone off before literally running to the bathroom. The moment she pauses by the sink, though, she hears a light knock on the front door. Sighing (and trying to still her heart that is practically trying to jump out of her body through her throat), she slowly walks to the door, hesitating once she's in front of it.
She pauses with her hand hovering over the handle, debating whether or not she actually wants to do this. Another knock shocks her back into reality, though, and she whips the door open without giving it another thought. Her breathing catches in her throat when she sees a very clearly upset, timid-looking Chloe looking down at her. "Can I come in?"
"Uh, yeah." She moves aside to let her in, and they awkwardly make their way into the kitchen, both looking at anything but each other.
After what seems like an entire lifetime of awkward silence, Chloe clears her throat softly. "Look… I'm sorry."
"Can we please not do this?" Beca blurts out, and Chloe looks up at her in shock. "I don't want an apology, I want an explanation. Actually, no." She opens the drawer by her fridge and grabs all the old notes from her 'secret admirer,' then throws them down on the counter in front of them. "I want a fucking answer." The ginger barely glances down at the notes before blinking at Beca. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Getting slightly pissed off (and she doesn't even know why at this point), she yells, "Are you going to answer me or sit there and stare? Because I don't have all day, Chloe." She slams her hands on the counter for emphasis, and Chloe jumps.
"What do you want me to say?" She whispers, tears building up in her eyes.
Trying her best to calm down, Beca takes a deep breath and counts to five before answering- because she hates herself when she makes Chloe cry. "The truth. I need the truth."
"It was me." She admits, looking down again, and Beca's heart stops at the same time her stomach plummets. "I've been in love with you for God knows how long, I just never realized it."
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Beca blurts out, and Chloe blinks back up at her, a few tears streaming down her face.
Unexpectedly, Chloe slams her hands down, her face turning from one of sadness to one of pure anger. "This is why, Beca! Because I knew that, if I did, I would lose you! You would push me away, just like you did with everyone else. Just like you did with Jesse!" Both women freeze, and Chloe covers her mouth with her hand. "I didn't mean that."
"Get out."
"Beca-"
"I said GET OUT!" She screams, and Chloe flinches back in shock. "You have no right to come into MY HOUSE and tell me what my fucking problems are! I know I'm a terrible person, ok? And guess what? Jesse's gone, Chloe. He's fucking dead. So you have no right to give me shit about how I treated him." She waits for Chloe to respond, but she just stares at her. "So yeah, get the fuck out of my house."
"I'm sorry." She chokes out before quickly walking away, and she hears a sob before her door slams closed.
"GOD DAMMIT!" Beca screams at the top of her lungs, grabbing an empty glass from the counter and chucking it into the fridge as hard as she can. "Fuck!" She slides down the counter and onto the floor, finally allowing the tears to fall as she curls up in a ball.
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It's in this exact position that Emily finds Beca two hours later, still sniffling. "Beca." The shorter woman ignores her, so Emily kneels down, resting a hand on her upper arm lightly. "Beca, it's ok." She whispers, and she slowly looks up at Emily, her eyes swollen and red from endless crying.
"How can you say that?" She asks, her voice broken and weak. "I chased her away, Em. I made her leave. It's all my fault."
"Shh, shh." Carefully, so as to not startle the singer, Emily sits down next to her and slowly guides her into her side. She's surprised when Beca latches on to her, but she simply reacts by rubbing soft circles into her back. "This isn't your fault."
"You don't know that." She mumbles into her side, and Emily sighs when she feels her body start to shake, letting her know that she's crying again. "You weren't there."
"Care to explain?" She asks lightly, turning her head so Beca can hear her better.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Ok." She glances around, finally noticing all the glass everywhere. "Let's go get some lunch, ok?"
"I don't want to."
"Beca." She sighs again. "I promised you lunch, and while I get that you're upset right now-"
"How do you get it?" Beca suddenly pulls away from her, her eyes narrowing into a glare. "You have no fucking idea how I feel right now."
Raising her hands defensively, Emily says, "You're right, I don't. But I hate to see you like this, Becs."
"Fine." She wipes her eyes and stands up, looking around at the mess she made earlier. "Let me clean this up first."
Emily shakes her head, standing up as well. "Go clean yourself up, I'll take care of this." As if it's an afterthought, she adds, "I'm gonna stay the night tonight, ok?"
"What about Jamie?"
Emily shrugs. "Benji doesn't work tomorrow. I'll tell him you need me, he'll understand."
"You don't have to do this, you know." She calls out over her shoulder as she walks into her room, not bothering to close the door behind her. She goes straight to the master bathroom and blinks at herself in the mirror, not even recognizing the person she sees staring back at her. She looks like middle school Beca, and it scares her.
After brushing her hair, washing her face, and applying a coat of makeup, she walks back into the kitchen, seeing Emily leaning against the counter and obviously texting someone. "Hey… thank you."
Emily turns and gives her a soft smile, sliding her phone into her pocket as she says, "What are friends for?"
They exit the house and get into Emily's sleek, jet black Audi R8 Coupe that Beca insisted on buying for her two years ago before Christmas (again, before the article). "So, what do we want for lunch?" The tall brunette asks conversationally as she pulls out of Beca's driveway, turning onto the road to head into town.
"Uhh…" Beca stares out the window as she tries to think, but nothing sounds good to her right now. "You choose."
"I think I have an idea." Emily turns the radio on, and "Toxic" by Britney Spears starts playing. Beca stiffens at the sound, and it sends her back to that night, saving the Bellas… worrying her ass off about whether or not Chloe was ok…
"Can we not listen to anything?" She chokes out, turning to give Emily a pleading look. One glance over at Beca is enough for the younger Bella to turn the radio off as quickly as she can.
Beca can tell that Emily's worried about her; she sees the way the younger woman bites her lower lip and glances in her direction every other minute. She can tell by the way she taps a random beat into the steering wheel with her right hand that she's debating whether or not to initiate some sort of reassuring contact- and she's happy that she never seems to make her mind, because she knows that anything she does will ultimately remind her of Chloe, and she can't handle that right now. Sure, she's slightly pissed off at herself for messing everything up last night, but she's angrier at the redhead for bringing up Jesse the way that she did. In her opinion, Chloe should've known better than to bring him into the conversation at all. They just went to his tombstone four day ago, for fuck's sake!
Looking down, she realizes she has her hands balled up in fists, so she slowly coaxes them into a more natural position before she inevitably hurts herself. Her phone vibrating against her leg draws her out of her never-ending thought bubble, and she pulls it out to see a missed text from Chloe. She stares at it for what feels like an eternity (which is actually only a minute) before clicking on the message button, reading the text quickly. Beca, you're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said at all. Can we please talk? Her fingers hover over the keyboard, debating whether or not to say anything back. She's slightly happy that Chloe apologized, but she doesn't want to forgive her yet. Yes, she loves her more than anything, but her walls are up now; she can't let herself get hurt by someone else this badly again, even if she's hurting herself in the process. Self harm, she can handle. Being hurt by the most important person in the world, however, she can't. Not right now, anyway.
"You know you don't have to answer that, right?" Emily asks softly, and Beca realizes she's still staring at the screen, her fingers positioned as if ready to type something. "I don't know what happened, but…" Beca's surprised she can ever hear her when her voice drops even lower. "The way I walked in on you… I've never seen you like that. She deserves to be ignored." The last words come out almost as a growl, surprising Beca; she's never heard Legacy this mad before. Sad, sure, but never mad.
"You don't have to defend me, you know." She whispers back just as softly, and Emily shrugs, turning back to the road as she makes a sharp left turn.
"I'm not. I'm just being here for you. That's what friends are for, right?" Beca simply nods as another text comes in, this time from Stacie: Chloe's over here sobbing and won't say anything except your name. Wtf is happening?
"I should probably answer Stacie, right?" She asks Emily, noticing the way the girl's eyes soften at the mention of her name. She can't help but wonder if that's how she looks at or around Chloe, and it annoys her. To stop thinking about Chloe Beale is exactly what she wants right now, but she can't stop.
"Yeah, probably." I'm assuming you know Chloe was my secret admirer?
Everyone knew.
Of course they did. She grunts. "How much should I tell her?" She glances over at Emily, who's still chewing on her bottom lip nervously.
"That's up to you."
"You're no help." She mutters, looking back down at her phone screen. Jesse passed away a week ago, and Chloe threw him in my face as "pushing people away" like I always do.
Beca, why didn't you tell us about Jesse? We would've been there for you =(
Beca sighs as she types out, Because I didn't want to deal with it. I just went to his grave- with Chloe, at that.
She just said that? What exactly did she say?
She said "You'd push me away, just like you did Jesse." Tears start forming in her eyes again as the words replay in her head, and she quickly bats them away.
That's terrible. Want me to yell at her?
Do whatever the fuck you want, Stace. I don't care right now. "We're here." Emily announces, and she looks up to see them pulling to Taco Bell. "I know you don't want to be seen like this, so I'll run in, grab some food, then we're going somewhere remote and outdoors."
She's your best friend, Beca. Of course you care.
Look, I really don't want to talk about this right now, ok?
Ok. Sorry I brought it up, I just wanted to know why she's so upset.
Well, this is her fault, so…
Beca stares at her phone for a minute or so, but Stacie leaves her on read, so she slides her phone back in her pocket and leans back against the seat, closing her eyes as she does so. Her conversation with Stacie has her feeling slightly annoyed, and now she wishes she didn't take Emily's advice and just didn't answer the message in the first place, especially since it was about Chloe…
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"Beca." She groans and opens her eyes, blinking when she sees Emily shaking her shoulder. "Wake up, we're here."
"What?" She sits up, looking around. "Did I fall asleep?"
"I wouldn't tell you to wake up if you weren't asleep." She chuckles softly, grabbing the Taco Bell bag and getting out of the car. Beca quickly follows, realizing she has no idea where they are; they're on what looks like a trail at the mouth of the woods, and there's a faint sound of rushing water in the background.
"Uh, where the hell are we, dude?"
Emily turns back and gives her a soft smile, still walking. "My favorite spot." Walking forward again, she says, "Whenever I can't stop thinking about Stacie, I come here and just think." Her voice sounds vulnerable at the end, and Beca can't help but gasp.
"Em, this is special to you. You don't have to-"
"I want to." She cuts her off quickly as Beca catches up, the two of them now walking side-by-side. "I think this could help you."
"Thanks, Emily."
"Of course." They walk the rest of the way there- wherever we're going, Beca muses to herself- in a comfortable silence that she usually only ever gets with Chloe. Part of her wants to say something just because of that reason, but the other part of her is perfectly content with the way things are. She appreciates and totally hates the thinking time at the same time: appreciates it, so she can figure out how she feels; hates it, because she does not want to think about Chloe, and it just keeps happening.
Lost in her own thoughts is how Beca doesn't notice they've stopped walking until Emily nudges her. "What do you think?"
"Wow." Is all she can say, her mouth slightly agape at the sight in front of her. There's a gorgeous, clear blue waterfall that isn't totally frozen, due to the rushing water, and the snow around the water is perfectly untouched, making it look like something in a romance movie.
"Right?" Emily walks closer to the water and brushes the snow off a fallen branch, then waves Beca over. "Come sit."
"No way in hell am I sitting there." She shakes her head, and Emily laughs.
"Beca, it's not cold or wet. The snow is dry and fluffy, I promise."
"Fine." She groans, only giving in because she's too tired- both mentally and physically- to fight anymore today. Right as she sits down, her phone buzzes again, and she pulls it out of her pocket. Of course, it's Chloe. This time, she doesn't hesitate to press on the message, instantly reading it. Please talk to me, I can't stand this. As soon as she's done reading it, though, she turns her phone off and puts it back in her pocket, grabbing a Doritos Locos taco out of the bag. "This is delicious." She mutters, mainly to break the silence, and she's grateful when Emily chuckles next to her.
"I agree." She turns to look at the tiny star, and sighs before saying, "So… do you want to talk about it?"
"I guess." She shrugs, picking at a loose strand in her jeans. "She brought up me pushing Jesse away." Her voice cracks, and she's suddenly grateful it's Emily she's talking to, and not anyone else. "She made me out to be the bad guy, right after she admitted to being in love with me."
"So what happened after that?"
Beca lets out a harsh, bitter laugh. "I kicked her out of the house and didn't even listen to her apology. I can't deal with that right now."
"You deserve that much." She nods, and Beca gives her an odd look, her eyes narrowed slightly.
"Why are you suddenly taking my side on this? Literally yesterday, you were encouraging me to tell her."
"Because…" She trails off with a small sigh. "You always defended me in college, whether it was from Chloe, the other Bellas, or other kids on campus. You're like the big sister I never had. From my freshman year on, I swore to myself that I'd do anything in my power to help you whenever you needed it. To be your hero like you were mine."
"Em…" Unable to stop the tears from falling at this point, she pulls Emily in for a tight hug, forgetting all about her taco as it falls to the ground. Emily squeaks in surprise before hugging back, and she tightens her hold when she feels Beca's body shake from crying.
"Hey." Beca feels Emily's arms wrap around her tighter, and she starts crying harder in response. She knows she should feel embarrassed right now- she's never cried this hard in front of anyone in her entire life- but she can't bring herself to care. All she needs right now is someone to be there for her, and that's exactly what Emily is doing. "It's ok, let it out."
"God, I'm so sorry." She finally pulls away, wiping at her tears furiously.
"Don't ever apologize to me for being upset about something." She shakes her head, a sympathetic look on her face. "It's perfectly ok to be upset right now."
"God, what do I do?" Beca asks the young woman in front of her, and she shakes her head again.
"I can't tell you that; that's up to you. But I do suggest you take some time to really think about this." Beca doesn't respond, so Emily stands up and offers her hand. "Let's go back home, ok?"
"Yeah." She allows Emily to help her up, and they slowly trudge their way back to Emily's car in silence, both lost in their own thoughts.
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"Of course." Beca groans when they get to her porch, the sight in front of her making her want to laugh and cry at the same time. The words "I'm sorry' are spelled out on the welcome mat, but in swan figurines. Using her foot, Beca brushes them off to the side before unlocking her door, moving to the side to allow Emily entrance. "Of fucking course she'd try something, you know?" She mutters after she follows Emily inside, who nods softly as she makes her way to the kitchen.
"Yeah." She sees the donut box on the counter and immediately reaches toward it, looking back at Beca and asking, "Can I have one of these?"
"Go for it." She rolls her eyes. "They're from Chloe anyway." Emily pauses mid-bite, her eyes widening, and Beca waves her off with her hand. "Seriously, it's fine." She glances at the turtles and birds on the counter, and an idea hits her. "Hey, wanna help me with something?"
"Sure."
"We're gonna sell these animals." She pulls her phone out, getting ready to take pictures. Emily gives her a sad look, but she only barely sees it.
"I know I said you deserve time, but isn't this a little… much? You two have been through everything together."
"My point exactly." She says, squatting a little to get a better angle. "We've been through everything together, yet she still goes out of her way to hurt me."
"I don't-" She starts to say, but the glare she receives from Beca shuts her up. "Alright, let's sell some animals."
After taking about a hundred pictures of both the birds and the turtles, they flop on the couch in the living room, Beca uploading the pictures to Ebay. Emily grabs the remote and starts flipping through channels on TV, finally settling on Chopped after about five minutes of looking.
Finally breaking the silence, Beca says, "There, uploaded." Emily's phone dings as soon as she says it, and she watches as she reads it; she bites her bottom lip, her face falling into a frown and her eyebrows furrowing. "Who is it?"
Hesitantly, Emily says, "Stacie."
"What did she have to say?" Beca asks, unable to suppress her eye-roll. To her surprise, Emily shoots her a very harsh glare, and she sits up a little straighter. "Is it about Chloe? Is she ok?"
"Uh…" She sighs. "I'm not entirely sure." She turns the phone so Beca can read the message. Hey Em, I know you're probably with Beca right now. I know she won't answer me, so I just wanted to let you know that Chloe's not doing the greatest. She's curled up in a ball and keeps muttering Beca's name, and she won't eat or drink anything. I'm getting kind of scared. "What should I tell her?"
"Whatever you want." She grunts, trying her hardest to ignore the way her stomach drops.
"Beca…"
"I really don't want anything to do with it right now, Emily. I'm sorry, but I can't." Narrowing her eyes, she adds, "What made you suddenly change your mind?"
"I hate seeing you like this. Wouldn't it be easier if you two talked it out?"
"You know I'm no good with words, Em."
"Yeah, I know." She sighs wistfully, typing out an answer to Stacie as Beca turns her attention to the TV, pretending to actually be interested in the show that's playing. Beca glances at the clock on her wall, seeing that it's only 5:30. Forcing a yawn and a stretch, she glances over at Emily.
"I'm going to go take a nap."
"Really?" Emily looks up, looking slightly shocked. "It's early though, and you haven't even had dinner."
"I just… I need to sleep on some things, ok?" She asks softly, and Emily nods.
"Alright. Do you want me to wake you up at a specific time, or…?"
Beca shakes her head. "I'll get up whenever."
"Ok…" She smiles when Beca leans down and gives her a quick hug. "I'll see you later then?"
"Yeah, see you later." She gestures around the house. "If I don't wake up… feel free to sleep literally wherever you want." With a forced laugh, she adds, "You can sleep on the table for all I care."
"Uh, I'll just sleep in a guest room." Emily responds, giving Beca a worried look.
"Perfect. Night, Emily." Beca turns quickly so she can ignore the look on Emily's face. She hates making Emily feel concerned in any way about her; she's always felt as if it's her job to make sure Em's safe and ok, not the other way around. She hears Emily yell "goodnight" back at her as she trudges her way to her room, but she ignores it. She quickly undresses and pulls on a pair of holy sweatpants and a hoodie before crawling into bed, letting another few tears slip down her cheeks as this morning plays through her head for what feels like the millionth time.