Chapter 6 – Discordant Notes
"Physically, there's nothing wrong with him." Cerveau said as he concluded his examination of Zero, who at the moment was resting on a metal bed in the settlement's small infirmary.
"The symptoms are familiar, however." Rocinolle added with a sigh. "It looks like he was having a panic attack."
"I… see..." Ciel said.
Zero sighed, frustrated by having unwillingly caused such a commotion and startled her out of her sleep.
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised." he said as he tried to sit up, before Ciel stopped him by abruptly placing her hand on his chest and pushing him back. Though somewhat reluctant to get too close to him out of fear of accidentally setting off another panic attack, she refused to leave his side until she was sure he would be all right.
"What do you mean?" she asked with a concerned frown.
"Only that my memories are still coming back." he said rather bluntly. "They were steadily trickling in since you work me up, but after that close call with Ragnarok it feels like they just come in whenever they want."
"Something has changed..." he pondered. "Is it… because of her?"
"How are you feeling now?" the Rocinolle asked, placing one of her large hands on his shoulder.
"I'll be fine." he said dismissively. "I just need some more time."
"What kind of answer is that?" she scolded, with a frown marring her round face.
"Sorry." Zero said, his tone somewhat softer.
He was not used to showing such vulnerability, and was silently hoping to find a way to end the conversation before someone tried to pry too much. Still, he felt guilty for disregarding the concern the others were showing for his well-being.
"I must insist that you do get some rest." Rocinolle added.
"Same here." Ciel chimed in.
Ciel then cast him another worried glance.
"Sometimes I wonder..." she said with a sigh. "If we pushed you too hard. If piling our hopes on you was selfish of us. Of me."
"Ah shit..." Zero thought bitterly as he realized she was slipping into the pattern of blaming herself again. "Oh no you don't."
Not willing to let her continue, he sat back up, placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently.
"I'm here because I want to be." he said, firm but gentle. "Everything I did was my choice."
Making sure he had her full attention, he stared right at her.
"What happened wasn't your fault. It's just that when you've been alive for as long as I have, you can't help picking up your fair share of bad memories. That one was just particularly bad and it snuck up on me when my guard was down. That's all."
"I see..." Ciel said, visibly relieved, while trying not to think about how soft his hand felt.
She then took a deep breath and showed a hint of one of her usual smiles.
"In that case, I hope you'll allow me to do what I can to help… just like you stuck up for us."
"You are already helping." he said, managing to smile despite how fresh the onslaught of memories still was in his mind.
"More than you realize..." he thought.
He did not know how long he would still be forced to grapple with the flashbacks and dreams, but he was determined not to let them interfere with his ability to function, or with the new mission he had set for himself.
"Well then, we should let Zero get some more rest." Cerveau said, trying to clear the air a bit. He too knew how to recognize when Ciel was falling into certain patterns.
"I'll just head to my place." Zero said before getting up from the bed.
"You'd better call us if you feel anything else out of the ordinary, you hear?" Rocinolle insisted as he was about to cross the doorway.
"Right." he replied, eager to get some time alone.
Once he was out of earshot, Rocinolle then turned to Ciel.
"He's tougher than he looks. Which in his case is saying a lot. But what about you?"
"What do you mean?" Ciel asked.
"Have you been getting enough sleep?" Rocinolle asked, watching her like a hawk. "You know all those late hours can't be good for your health. You're still growing and you need your rest."
"I'm trying." Ciel said earnestly.
"Well, try harder." Rocinolle said, unusually blunt, like a mother scolding a child. "You may be a genius and still be technically in charge, but you need to learn to delegate, dear."
"You know anyone here will be more than happy to help take some of your workload." Cerveau added. "The work you continue to do is important, of course, but you're still young. You'll have plenty of time to stay cooped up in a workshop or a lab when you get to my age."
"I'll try to be more mindful of my own needs." Ciel conceded. "Thank you for the concern."
"Just so you know, we still have some sleeping aids left and are working on securing more medical supplies." Rocinolle added. "If you think you need he-"
"No." Ciel interrupted, shaking her head. "If I'm struggling, I'll ask for help. But I won't fall into that trap."
"Good." Rocinolle said with a smile. "We don't want to consider that either, mind you. You're far too young to be resorting to such things."
One concern shared by several of the people closest to Ciel was how she tended to drive herself beyond what could be considered reasonable. Not only was her intellect enough to intimidate people three or four times her age, but she could also be very stubborn, much like Zero.
Outside, as Zero headed back to his shack, he realized something. Even though he had only been able to consciously remember that particularly painful phase of his life rather recently, there had always been something holding him back in regards to acknowledging the tension between himself and Ciel. At first, he did not know what exactly he was feeling, but after such an intense recollection and the ensuing panic attack he was certain that his actions had not been the result of merely his memory loss. Looking further back, he realized that in his older days he had avoided excessively deep emotional entanglements in general following his loss… with a few notable exceptions.
"What am I going to do with myself?" he thought with a sigh.
Still fatigued by the ordeal, he went inside, locked the door and got in bed, hoping that no more memories would bother him for a while. He already had enough to digest for the time being.
While for synthetic beings such as himself sleep was not strictly a necessity, it was still an opportunity to rest the mind while conserving energy or redirecting most of what would normally be spent on movement towards self-repair. The fact that X, Zero and the Reploid population in general were capable of true dreams only attested to how far ahead of their time their creators had truly been… for the most part.
Alone with his thoughts, Zero found his focus randomly drifting towards the distant past again.
Even though his memories were still in an incomplete state, he distinctly recalled the search for answers he and X had undertaken after Sigma's final defeat, before being interrupted by the outbreak of what would eventually become known as the Elf Wars. During this period, Zero had become fully aware of who his creator had been, having uncovered a few buried facilities during this time period where the mad professor had once developed some of his earlier creations. The databanks within had been most enlightening, albeit troubling, but something still didn't add up.
"How the hell did that crazy old man go from this?" Zero recalled himself thinking as he gazed upon the rather ridiculous schematic on the screen. "To this?" he recalled finishing as he looked at himself.
"Half of these so-called Robot Masters are over-specialized to the point of being crippled, and the other half are a damn joke! Hard Man?! Seriously?! And why is each of them so glaringly vulnerable to another's weapons? The old man was insane."
"And then there's this asshole..." Zero recalled thinking as he looked at the schematics of another robot, different from the others, with a design more similar to his own.
The biggest shock, however, had definitely been the discovery that he had been created as Dr. Wily's final middle finger to the world, in direct opposition to what looked like a child version of X.
Catching himself, Zero realized he had ended up reminiscing as he walked yet again, almost walking face first into the door of his shack. With a grunt of annoyance, he shook his head, opened the door, then stepped inside and locked it behind him.
"Bah!" he said out loud as he closed the shutters on the window and slipped back into his bed. "Enough!"
And with that, he pulled the covers over himself and tried to momentarily force himself to let go of the thoughts buzzing in his head.
Unfortunately, a few hours later, his rest was cut short by loud voices outside.
"Ugh, what now?" he grumbled, dragging himself outside.
"We were meant to be the inheritors of the Earth!" a man shouted. "Instead we ended up with a crater and living in villages like primitives!"
Zero sighed and rolled his eyes at the sight. The man, clearly more than well fed and wearing brand new designer clothing, was most likely one of the citizens of Neo Arcadia the Resistance had managed to evacuate from the city right before Ragnarok's main cannon wiped it from the map.
"That didn't take long..." Zero thought angrily, recalling what Ciel had told him about the dark days before his awakening and the tensions between humans and Reploids in the past.
"That's right!" a woman in a fancy dress added. "This is simply unacceptable!"
"Since we are stuck here, we might as well take charge of things." the arrogant man continued. "To make sure the uneducated louts don't make another mess."
Such was the anger building up in Zero's chest that he was unable to see their faces clearly.
"Are you people for real?!" he thought, absolutely fuming and clenching his fist.
"How dare you?" a woman in a typical green uniform of the Resistance, also human, snapped back. "We pulled you out of the fire, we welcomed you in our homes! The crater is barely cold and you're already trying to push people around?!"
"Of course a Reploid lover like you would take their side." the woman in the fancy dress retorted. "For all we know, you could even be part machine!"
"That's the stupidest comeback I've ever heard." a Reploid boy in casual clothing countered. "Are you jealous or something you old hag?!"
"Old hag?!" the woman in the fancy dress hissed. "How dare you-"
"ENOUGH!" a man roared, loudly enough to reduce the others to silence.
Zero watched as the man walked past the shack window and took a good look at him. He was tall, somewhere between his thirties and forties, and almost unnaturally thin. He was wearing what looked like a white labcoat with frayed edges over a black bodysuit and a pair of thick brown hiking boots. He placed a thin hand over his heaving chest, seemingly short of breath, and stared at the arguing group with a pair of searing blue eyes with an almost maniacal intensity. Zero was able to see his face, thin, worn, haggard, with dark hair starting to go gray at the sides and a beard, both showing signs of not having been cared for in at least a couple of weeks.
"Don't you idiots understand?!" he hissed at the Neo Arcadians. "The life you knew is gone… and you are partially to blame. You didn't care about what was happening all around you as long as you were kept fed and had your fancy clothes and toys and an illusion of safety."
"Are you seriously siding with the Mav-" the arrogant man tried to ask before being cut off by the newcomer grabbing him by the neck.
"Don't you dare speak to me of Mavericks you swine!" the man growled, casting a fulminating gaze. "You've never even seen a real one or you wouldn't be standing here. You have no idea how twisted they are, or you wouldn't be throwing that label around so casually."
"That's right!" the woman in uniform added. "That faker and his cronies thought that was a convenient label to slap on Reploids in order to justify what they did. Everybody with two brain cells to rub together knows that!"
"They hunted us like animals!" the boy added indignantly. "All just to pry out our reactors and turn us into scrap! What could a stupid fatass like you know about Mavericks?"
"Reploids, humans, it doesn't matter you imbecile." the bearded man hissed. "These are people. It's about time you realized that organic and synthetic don't mean a damn thing."
He then shoved the arrogant man away and wiped his hand on his labcoat as if he had just touched excrement.
"These are just people trying to survive." he added. "Idiots like you wouldn't understand. Mavericks, actual Mavericks… were like wild beasts. Not so different from humans when they lose all their restraints. I would know."
By this point the arrogant man was backing away slowly, scared of the newcomer's clearly altered state.
"They took my boy from me." the bearded man said, his eyes turning moist. "They would have taken far more if they hadn't been stopped. If you're so stuck on the past, then have you already forgotten the Hunters and how many people they lost, organic and synthetic, fighting against that scum?"
"Have you forgotten X's battles so quickly?!" the woman in uniform railed at the arrogant pair.
"The original X, not that worthless fake!" the Reploid boy said. "Zero too, back in the day."
"In fact, most of the Hunters were Reploids, who signed up to protect humanity." the woman in the uniform said. "They took the worst of the losses!"
"So don't you dare put these people in the same bag as that Maverick trash!" the bearded man fumed.
"That's right!" the Reploid boy added, glaring daggers at the woman in the fancy dress. "Or should I go around treating all humans like trash too for what other humans did to us?"
"Get your heads out of your asses!" the bearded man shouted, glaring at the woman in the fancy dress. "You're not in Neo Arcadia anymore, and you lost it because you were too quick to hand over power to tyrants."
"It's very simple." the woman in the uniform said, pointing a finger at the arrogant man. "We need to stick together to face the future. If you want to be a part of it, then you're welcome here. If you don't like it here, then build your own place. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then shut the hell up."
It was then that Zero noticed that Ciel was nearby and, judging by the look on her face, she had heard the whole exchange. The bearded man seemed to notice this as well, as he lowered his head and stepped towards her.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." he said, downcast.
"Does it ever end?" Ciel asked, her eyes beginning to leak.
"There will always be idiots, regardless of time and place." the man said with a sigh, before wiping her tears with his thumb. By the familiarity, Zero surmised they knew each other, though he had not seen the man before.
The man's expression then softened and he allowed himself to smile.
"But for every idiot like those two, you'll find a hundred people who believe in you… and if it ever gets to the point where you can't believe in yourself, then believe in them. Keep that chin up. Eyes on tomorrow."
"I will." she said, perking up slightly. "You're right. I have too many people counting on me to falter now."
The man smiled and took another look at her.
"You keep growing taller every time I see you." he said, suddenly looking very tired. "Time just flies by. I hope I can last long enough to see what changes you'll still bring."
With that, he straightened up.
"Well, take care of yourself." he finally said, regaining his composure. "I have to get back to my work. Oh, the parts we talked about are almost ready. I'll leave them with Cerveau later."
And with that, he turned around to leave.
Meanwhile, another figure, plain and unremarkable, was watching everything, clad in a green Resistance uniform while standing in the shade of a nearby building. The onlooker's gaze lingered on the older man, then on Ciel, before finally focusing on Zero.
"Are you really just going to stand there watching?" the figure thought indignantly. "Say something to her damnit!"
As if on cue, Zero stepped outside, making a beeline for Ciel and nearly bumping into the bearded man, who leaned out of the way just in time.
"That's better. Definitely more like the Zero I remember."
"I hope you weren't disturbed by the noise." Ciel said as Zero came close to her.
"What?!" Zero protested, unable to believe what he was hearing. "After the way they spat on all your work, you're worried about me losing sleep?!"
His tone made her stiffen up instinctively, and he immediately regretted it. Realizing what he had done, he lowered his posture so he could look at her face to face.
"Sorry..." he said, in a much softer tone. "Hearing that made me sick, but I'm more worried about you. I'm not about to do anything crazy, but some people are just..."
Zero then sighed.
"Look. You know they were full of shit, right?"
"Technically, I did set in motion the chain of events that led to this." Ciel pointed out.
"You can't blame yourself for the choices of others." Zero countered. "Also, by that logic, you're also responsible for saving the lives of everyone here, myself included."
"Yourself included?" she asked, caught off guard.
"Who was it that made this whole Resistance thing work?" Zero asked.
"Who was it that woke me up, got me up to speed on things, kept me equipped and mended my busted ass more times than I'd care to admit?" Zero insisted. "I know how bad you feel about that whole mess, but at some point you're going to have to have to start seeing the worth in what you do."
She was at a loss for words. Zero had definitely become more expressive and eloquent over time, though whether that was due to more of his memories returning or something more, she could not tell. His outburst made her wonder when exactly this had started and how she hadn't noticed it sooner.
What she did know was that just how she often tried to temper his recklessness so did he try to chase away the specter of guilt eating away at the back of her mind. For such a legendary warrior, she realized, he had a hidden, softer side that she had never expected. His presence brought not only a sense of safety but also a warm comfort she was not familiar with. She found herself wanting to hug him again, badly, but was still afraid of triggering another panic attack.
As if reading her mind, he took the initiative, and she found herself receiving the first actual hug from him. Caught by surprise, she gasped.
"W-What are you...?" she stuttered. "What about…?"
"You're not responsible for my bad memories either." he said with a smile. "In fact, you've given me plenty of good ones since you woke me up… and a new purpose."
"What do you mean?" she asked, caught off guard by his words, her face turning a shade of pink.
"The past may have its ugly spots, but it's the past. Right now, I want to see you take all those hopes and dreams for the future and carry them as high as you can. If anything makes you trip and fall along the way again, I'll be right there to pick you up."
At this point Ciel found herself unable to articulate coherent thoughts, let alone words.
"D-Did he just… ah… my chest..."
Having caught the last bit of the altercation and the aftermath, Alouette too was watching from a distance, a smile creeping across her face.
"I knew it!" the diminutive Reploid girl thought, before backing away to give them a little more space.
Elsewhere…
"There. I trust the scenic route was to your satisfaction?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. Do you know how long it has been since I last had the time to just wander around on a whim?"
"You are taking risks..."
"As I said before, I'm too stubborn to fade out now. It was challenging before, but as long as I don't exert myself too much I..."
"Master?!"
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just… look at that."
"Nesting birds?"
"Despite the damage, the scars and everything else, nature is just beautiful. I can't help pausing to admire it."
"I suppose… we can agree on that."
"Good. When you've been around as long as I have, hopefully you'll know the importance of enjoying the moments of peace while they last. You'll drive yourself crazy if all you think about is duty and the next crisis. I had to learn that the hard way."
"I suppose. Just do try not to startle people like that. The world still needs you."
"Oh… I don't believe it. Is that a rabbit?"
"What about it?"
"I'm definitely coming back here after I get a new body."
"… Seriously?"
"Just look at it! It's so soft!"
"Please, Master… stop it. You are sounding like a giddy child."
"I thought I'd told you to stop calling me that. Just for that, I'm bringing you along when I come back here."