The only sound in the room was the distracting fwip fwip fwip of the spinning fan overhead, enhancing the chill that fell on the pair.
"What… what did you just say?" Yuzu whispered incredulously.
The wall just past Yuzu's head seemed to hold all of Mei's attention at the question, her face betraying none of the emotion her statement should have entailed.
"Are you serious? Is this some kind of joke?" Yuzu's voice rose in an attempt to rid the room of the suffocating feeling. Mei remained silent in a damning way. The plush of their bedroom rug under her feet may as well have been snatched away to leave a gaping void beneath her.
Mei allowed Yuzu to process her words for a few moments, let her pace the floor and run a hand through her curling hair until she could think of her next question.
Quiet, dreading, Yuzu finally asked: "How long have you..?"
At that, Mei swallowed back the horrid guilt that had been building up in her throat for quite some time now. "I've always known that it was a possibility. A candidate was officially chosen two weeks ago."
She watched Yuzu's feet stagger back as if Mei had slapped her right in the face. "So… you're engaged to someone else now?" There it was, the weak heartbreak in her voice that Mei feared the most. Her hands balled into fists to contain her own heartbreak at the sound of it.
"Yes."
A harsh exhale of disbelief rushed out of Yuzu as she stared at Mei, who refused to meet her eyes. She tilted her head forward in an attempt to connect their gazes. "Why did you wait to tell me?"
Mei took a deep breath to center herself before answering Yuzu's gaze with a firm one of her own. "I'm only telling you because Matsuri threatened to tell you first."
They stared at each other as if they were strangers, their bodies tense. Yuzu still looked so lost. "So you wouldn't have told me?" There was hurt and accusation in her voice. "Did you not think I had the right to know that you have a fiance?"
Mei's feet planted themselves more firmly into the floor despite her kneeling heart. "I didn't want to hurt you," she said.
Yuzu turned away from her, their bed squeaking as she sat heavily on it and stared blankly at her hands. At the ring on her finger that Mei wasn't currently wearing. Green eyes looked up, questioning and desperate. "But-but it doesn't matter, right? Because you're dating me. So, it shouldn't matter. Right?" her eyes implored Mei but only found a stone wall.
Mei crossed her arms and sighed. "It does matter. This is something I can't ignore any longer."
"Weren't you the one who told me that we should do what we want? That I could stay by your side forever?" Her voice was low and thick and holding something back. "Was that a lie?"
Mei was withdrawing at the memory, she wanted to control the flow of this conversation as much as possible to minimize the pain. "Life isn't that simple. I have an important decision to make now-"
In a burst of movement Yuzu's hand lashed out and tossed one of their pillows against the opposite wall, making Mei flinch.
"I don't accept that. I don't get it!" Yuzu hissed as she stood up, her face drawn tight.
Mei was trying to remain calm but her heart was beginning to beat faster and there was a tightness in her chest that restricted her breathing. "What don't you understand?"
"Any of this! What do you mean you're engaged? What do you mean you have to make a decision?" Yuzu's voice rose as her confusion was warped into anger.
"If you're going to react like that, I was right to keep you in the dark."
Yuzu resumed her pacing like an agitated animal. "That's not how this works, Mei!"
"Then how does it work? Enlighten me," Mei challenged, ignoring Yuzu's pacing form.
"Oh don't give me that, you know damn well what's wrong with this situation."
"I said I was going to deal with it myself, there's no reason for you to get involved."
"Oh screw that!"
The only way Mei could possibly respond was to raise her voice in defense to Yuzu's obvious displeasure. "You can't help me this time, Yuzu. You'll only get in the way, stay out of this."
"How do you expect me to just- Oh my god, you're engaged!" Yuzu's hands gripped her hair and her eyes widened like it just hit her clearly all over again.
"I thought we already established that."
"I'm still processing this. I can't believe you didn't tell me!"
"Are you honestly so surprised? With my type of family, you really didn't expect this? I've been engaged before, you know this."
She stopped her pacing to stand in front of Mei, grasping her arms. "No! You were mine! I thought you were mine!"
Yuzu flinched when Mei slapped her hands off of her. "I don't belong to you, I've always had a responsibility to my family. Not that you'd understand."
"This… this isn't right. It can't be right," Yuzu pleaded again. Closing her eyes against the sight, Mei turned away from Yuzu.
"I didn't tell you because I was protecting you." Her words felt like needles and Yuzu scoffed loudly in response.
"Well, good job!" Yuzu spat.
"Stop acting so immature."
Yuzu's eyes blazed in offense. "I have every right to be angry!"
Mei turned back around to face her, her mouth tasting bitter as she fought for control. "You're always acting without thinking about the consequences of your actions, like a child."
"I act thinking about you!" A finger jabbed in Mei's general direction as the younger girl scoffed.
"Well, it doesn't feel that way. Sometimes it feels like you only act on what you want. I'm always the one thinking about the bigger picture, about the future."
"I never know what you're thinking about! Ever! I'm not a mind reader, Mei, you have to tell me what's going on in your head!"
"I owe you no such thing when you don't allow me the same courtesy."
"I gave you everything and you lied to me!" she cried right into Mei's face. Mei clenched her teeth at the redness of Yuzu's face, the angry tears coming down. Her eyes went to the floor again as she fought off the tightness squeezing her ribs together.
"I didn't lie, I just…" Even before her words trailed off, the excuse sounded weak to her own ears.
Further realization seemed to sink in Yuzu's words, loading them even further with weight. "Is this why you've been so hesitant to go further with me?"
Mei's shoulder's hitched up. "Shut up," she mumbled under her breath.
"All these mixed signals you send me are because apparently 'you knew it was a possibility' that you'd get engaged?" Yuzu used incredulous air quotes as she connected the dots. "You told me it was okay to love you!"
"Shut up," Mei hissed in a last-ditch attempt to ward off the strangling pain.
Yuzu angrily wiped at the tears that she couldn't seem to stop. "Mei, I'm so mind-numbingly in love with you, but dammit. Just when I think I finally understand you better... How exactly am I supposed to take this?"
The tightening in Mei's chest snapped and words exploded out of her like vomit. "If it's so hard to be with me then why don't you just leave me be?!"
Her words rang in their ears like a gunshot, leaving them both flushed and breathless at the unfamiliar sound. "You know what," Once Yuzu recovered her anger returned ten-fold. "Maybe I should! I need a break from trying to figure you out!"
Mei followed on her heels as Yuzu stormed towards the entrance to gather her shoes. The words spilling out of her mouth she had little control over. "You've caused me no end of stress, now I can have some peace of mind!" She was done with trying to minimize the hurt, now she was just wanted to cause it, to end it, to put herself out of this misery.
"Oh, I'm just a nuisance to you, huh? Let me make things easier for you then!" Yuzu kept trying to put her shoe on the wrong foot, forcing her feet in with ire alone.
"You, making things easier for me? Don't make me laugh," Mei snarked in that infuriating condescending way.
"I've been trying to make you laugh for a year, thanks for noticing! Mission freaking accomplished!" Yuzu snarked back as she snatched the door open and stomped out the doorway.
"Just leave me alone, Yuzu."
Mei was about to slam the door shut behind her until Yuzu froze with a gasp. Lighting fast she threw herself back, slamming her shoulder against the swinging door just before it closed.
"Wait, hold on a sec, you're doing that thing, that sneaky thing!" she grunted.
Mei pushed back against the door, begging to be left alone. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"You're not shutting me out!" Her rage allowed her to shove her way back inside. Mei retreated and stalked back to their room, Yuzu scrambling to kick her shoes off behind her. Before Mei could shut the door in Yuzu's face again, she managed to block that as well.
"You're trying to push me away again so you can have a pity party," Yuzu accused hotly while she chased Mei down. She nearly tripped over herself when Mei stopped walking and spun around to glare at her.
Apparently, when Mei's anger reached its peak, it turned scathing cold like a blizzard wind. "How dare you? Do not speak to me like that."
The heat of her own feelings allowed Yuzu to withstand the chill. "Like what? Like someone calling you out on your bullshit?"
Mei shook her head. "You're unbelievable. You have no idea what I've been going through and what I've been dealing with," Mei said in a biting tone that Yuzu seemed to disregard completely.
"Big deal, why can't you just tell your family to shove it where the sun don't shine? What are you afraid of?" Yuzu continued to wade deeper into the dangerous unfamiliar territory that was Mei's anger.
"I won't run away from this. I'm not a selfish coward like my father."
Yuzu was taken aback at the low blow to their father. "Your dad was brave for standing up for what he believed in!"
"He ran away." Taking advantage of her height, Mei tilted her chin up and looked down at the other girl. "That's not who I am."
Yuzu's nails were biting into her palms and her body was shaking from containing a whirlwind of things she wanted to say and scream. "So that's it then? Does that mean you're going to break up with me? After everything?"
The ceiling fan overhead kept fwipping away diligently even as it felt like the walls were crumbling around them.
"As I said, I have a decision to make." Mei's own cold anger must've numbed her because her sentence was entirely detached of feeling. It was said with an indifference that may as well have been a dagger to Yuzu's chest.
The blonde regarded Mei with sad eyes and a rigid jaw. "I don't know who you are right now. I feel like such an idiot."
The ice in Mei's vicinity melted a little as she stiffly stepped closer to the older girl.
"I didn't want this, Yuzu."
"But you're choosing it over me," Yuzu said with loathsome understanding.
"I have duties that I simply can't abandon because of... whatever this is between us. Some things are bigger than you and me."
Yuzu snorted ironically, her smirk forced and sad and her voice hitching like she was about to cry again. "You're a coward, Mei."
Mei was good at acting like she didn't feel the pain of that statement like a punch in the gut. "Grow up, Yuzu. I don't want to feel like I'm the only adult in this relationship."
Yuzu stepped closer so that they were nose to nose, making sure Mei couldn't ignore every ounce of everything she was feeling. "Well excuse me, but you just said that our relationship means nothing!"
"Because it's irresponsible! As great as it was, we're living in a fantasy and we need to wake up!" Mei did not back down from trying to make Yuzu understand.
A frustrated growl ripped its way from Yuzu's throat. "Oh my god, I've never been so pissed off in my entire life! But I'm also weirdly happy because this is the most I've talked to you and I'm seeing a side of you I've never seen! And you know what?" Yuzu poked Mei in the shoulder with an accusatory finger. "You're even freaking cute when you're angry! How are you real?" Yuzu asked with genuine bafflement.
Mei blinked several times at Yuzu.
She was utterly thrown off balance by the glimpse of awe and affection Yuzu was displaying mixed in with the pain she had caused. Even after everything, Yuzu was still incapable of hating her and that more than anything broke Mei.
Suddenly the front of Yuzu's shirt was in her fists and she was pushing her back into a wall. "Why are you like this? Why are you making this so hard for me?" Mei asked in bewilderment.
"You're the one being difficult!"
"Because this is the reality of being with me!" Mei's cold persona was ripped away as she yelled in desperation. "It's difficult and impossible and I don't know how to handle any of it! Because if I told you, you'd do something stupid to help me! You'd drop everything to save me because that's the kind of person you are!" Yuzu was pushed farther back into the wall as tears finally welled up in Mei's eyes and spilled over her reddened cheeks.
Yuzu struggled against the grip on her top. "Mei, I-" She was firmly held in place by Mei.
"Don't deny it. I can see the gears turning in your head."
Yuzu gaped at her because she absolutely would save her. In a heartbeat. Several half-baked plans churned away in her head at that very moment. They could run away or she could give their grandfather a piece of her mind or she could offer herself up for marriage to spare Mei from that fate or maybe murder Mei's fiance-
"Yuzu, you can't. I absolutely won't let you interfere. You're too good to be dragged along with me!" Her grip softened with her plea and her hands rested limply on top of Yuzu's chest between them. Her next words were whispered into the blonde's shoulder as Mei hid her face there. Both her voice and vision were watery.
"I need you to trust me. I need you to believe that I will make the right decision for both of us. Please. Let me do this myself."
Under Mei's weight, Yuzu's body sagged as those words reached her, draining all the fight that had built up in her limbs. The light bulb on the ceiling seemed to flicker along with the ceiling fan, or maybe it was Yuzu blinking back the rest of her tears. She hesitantly reached up to cover Mei's hands with her own, squeezing briefly. Her touch felt warm and steady and Mei was so ready to melt into it until Yuzu gently pulled away. "I don't know how to do that… I need some air," she muttered hoarsely, gaze swimming with a jumble of conflicting emotion.
Mei could only stand there silently as Yuzu retrieved her shoes from wherever she kicked them before. Couldn't even wipe her tears away when she heard the door open and shut, marking Yuzu's departure. She could only manage to crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling, unblinking and unseeing. The obnoxious fwip fwip fwip of the fan continued above her, along with the overwhelming ache in her chest.
'Please don't leave me,' she thought, and her own selfishness made her sick.
.-.-.
Sleep avoided Mei at all costs. She waited for Yuzu to return, not knowing what to expect and trying not to hope. Hope for what, she wasn't sure. When the doorway finally stirred around midnight, Mei's stomach lurched with a mix of dread and relief. She remained still in the darkness as Yuzu walked in the room. Her warm presence hesitated for a moment before Mei felt the bed dip drastically when Yuzu collapsed upon it face-first. The dark haired girl considered pretending to be asleep, but her need to reach out was gnawing away at her insides like she was starving.
"Where were you?"
Yuzu was quiet and Mei wondered if Yuzu had fallen asleep that quickly or if she was too mad to speak to her. When the silence stretched out, Mei rolled over in defeat so that her back was turned away from Yuzu.
"I ran all the way to Gramps' place," Yuzu finally grumbled against her pillow much to Mei's surprise.
"What? Yuzu, I told you-"
"I know." Yuzu interrupted tiredly. She sounded so small and exhausted. "I didn't go in. I was going to tell him off but…"
"But?"
"I thought about what you said. What I was doing was stupid. And most importantly… it wouldn't change how you feel. About me."
Mei's heart thudded away loud enough that she thought she wouldn't be able to hear Yuzu. It tripled in speed when Yuzu shifted so that she was pressed up against her back.
"I do trust you, Mei, even after everything. Whatever you decide… I'll support you," Yuzu said slowly as she settled her weigh against Mei.
Mei felt like she couldn't breathe. "Thank you," she managed to whisper around the lump in her throat.
Yuzu's arm wrapped around her middle, her hand seeking out Mei's and intertwining their fingers. "Mei… when I put that ring on your finger, you and I became 'us'. We have to be a team. You don't have to face this alone. Maybe I can't do anything now, but I want to stand by you no matter what." She gave Mei's hand a squeeze. "Even if you decide to give this ring back."
Mei couldn't help it. As much as she told herself she was only going to hurt the both of them, she couldn't help holding onto Yuzu's hand like a lifeline. She was weak, and Yuzu's warmth made her feel safe and loved. "You don't deserve this."
"You can't decide that for me." Yuzu's voice was soft and firm. When did she mature so much? "And I… I guess I can't force you to make up your mind about us. No matter how much I want to. I just… I want you to be as sure about our relationship as I am. I don't know what the future will bring, but I want you in it, okay?" Her hold tightened around Mei's waist and her face was pressed against her shoulder, spreading heat and moisture there when Yuzu breathed out.
"It hurts…" Was Yuzu's muffled and pained whisper. "This feeling of helplessness… It hurts so much. Is this what you feel? Everyday? I'm sorry I didn't notice. I really suck at being a girlfriend and a sister." Yuzu's body shuddered against her in a telltale sign she was holding back a sob.
She made a squeak of surprise when Mei suddenly squirmed to turn around in Yuzu's arms, pushing Yuzu onto her back and burying her face in Yuzu's neck in a hug.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry." Yuzu's heartbeat was strong against her and she was so so guilty for loving her so much. "How I feel about you is the only thing in my life that I'm sure about. That is real.
"You were right. I am a coward. I'm scared," Mei, at last, admitted in a fractured tone. "When my father left, he was looked down on by everyone. It was like a stain on the family name that wouldn't go away. I love him but, he caused my grandfather a lot of pain. It took a lot of suffering to fight for our family name and put us back on the map. I don't want him to go through any of that again. He entrusted me with his legacy and I want to protect it. But I'm also scared of losing you."
"You won't lose me," Yuzu promised with such reassurance that Mei's very soul was eased even if the back of her mind still whispered that they couldn't last forever.
"You're being immature again," Mei mumbled grumpily as she kissed Yuzu's chest above her heart. Yuzu chuckled at that, wrapping her arms around Mei again and pressing her lips to the top of her head in a forgiving gesture.
"Not as immature as you." And that was, weirdly enough, the right thing to say. There was no right answer and Mei was exhausted from torturing herself looking for it. Under that thought, she was comforted and she allowed herself the privilege of falling asleep in her love's arms. Maybe there was no right answer in her future, but this very moment felt right. Just for now she let her mind linger in the present.
a/n- The last few chapters have been so fluffy, had to drop an angst bomb on ya eventually! I did want to write these two having a huge fight eventually, they just have so many issues they need to hash out and get out in the open. The latest chapter just gave me the perfect reason for them to yell in each other's faces. I don't think future chapters will proceed like this, but I do hope we get to see new sides to their relationship, like Yuzu getting pissed at Mei for once. I just find it cathartic. They ended up being soft girlfriends at the end anyway lol