I tried not to think about it. I did a fairly decent job, if I do say so myself. The hallucinations were kept to a minimum, the voices distant and far away, and I got better at it over time. And then the anniversary approached.
It was the night before it all started. I did everything I could to distract myself, go on a jog, study for an upcoming test. At the moment I was working on an English paper, which actually wasn't due for almost a week. It was nearly midnight, and I'd been awake since before 5:00 that morning.
"You should go to bed." A quiet voice said, seeming to come from out of nowhere. I jumped in my seat, recognizing it as my longtime crush and roommate, Tsukki. I bit my lip and kept my eyes down on the computer in front of me. "I know." I muttered.
Tsukki stood there for a while, probably debating over whether or not to say something else, but eventually left and walked back to his bed. I sighed, getting up and putting away my things, deciding I should call it quits.
You can do it, Tadashi. You can do it, you can do it, you can do it, I chanted, changing into some nightclothes before crawling in bed. Besides, Tsukki will be there if you need anything… my mental train of thought trailed off.
It was true enough, I suppose. Tsukki was my best friend. He had been since junior high, a constant presence in my life. I'd liked him for so long, and I really thought we had a shot in high school. I was finally working up the courage to confess and ask him out in our third-year, and then the whole incident with my family happened so I didn't think about it for a while. He was really sweet in helping me though, being there for me. Then we got into the same college and became roommates, and I thought just maybe he might be gay…and I was right. He came out, and then immediately started dating Kuroo. That had been a slap in the face.
Kuroo was everything I wasn't. Cool, confident, witty, good at volleyball, handsome, tall. When I thought about it, it was easy to see why Tsukki had chosen him over someone as pathetic as me. Ever since he'd chosen Kuroo though, we'd grown farther and farther apart. I rarely saw him anymore, and it's like there was something broken between us and the bond we'd once had.
It was with these painful thoughts that I drifted off to sleep, preferable to the alternative really. Unfortunately, I couldn't avoid the dark memories while asleep. Nightmares plagued me, nearly every night. I seldom got a good night's sleep, which was most of the reason why I slept so little, staying up late and rising early.
Usually I'd wake up in a cold sweat, a sense of fear and horror lingering. This time, I woke up screaming. I stopped soon after I woke up; I came to it and felt awful for any panic I may have caused among the neighbors. I sat panting in the middle of my bed, half expecting Tsukki to walk in at any moment, to wrap his strong arms around me and pull me towards him, maybe even stay with me the rest of the night. None of that happened.
After waiting for what seemed like forever, I cautiously got up to see what Tsukki was doing, and if it was possible he'd slept through my outburst. While walking, I started seeing them, I heard them too. I picked up my pace. By the time I got to Tsukki's room, I saw that it was empty. I panicked and then checked my phone, which had been left in the charger. There was a message from Tsukki.
Yamaguchi, so sorry I had to go, Kuroo had an emergency, it read. I took a sharp breath. I looked up from my phone and saw them again, really coming for me now. It was at that moment where I really began to panic.
Oh god, oh god, I needed someone, I couldn't face this alone, it was so bad this time! I need help, I needed someone, who, who, who? These were my thoughts as I kind of collapsed on the floor and started hyperventilating, closing my eyes and shoving my hands over my ears.
Gone, gone, gone, they were all gone. Of course they were gone, why wouldn't they be? My family was gone, it was all my fault. I was such a loser, they wouldn't want me anyway if they were still around. Friends, friends, what friends? Tsukki was my only friend, and I was losing him. Who, who, who did I have? Who did I have, who did I have, there had to be someone, just one single person-
Oikawa! I bolted up, remembering that I did have a friend other than Tsukki. Only one, but another friend nonetheless. I got my phone out and went to call. I winced at the time, almost 2:00, but it was a Saturday, so that was something. And besides, Oikawa had said to go to him if I ever needed help, a friend, and surely this time when I needed him most of all would warrant that right?
I changed into some clothes while dialing. The phone rang, and rang. I concentrated hard on the ringing, and tried to block everything else out. He didn't answer, but I wasn't giving up that easily. Once ready, I went outside and locked the door behind me. I walked downstairs and onto the sidewalk, still dialing Oikawa.
It was cold outside, I thought absentmindedly as I marched quickly down the street. I didn't really care, it was nothing compared to other pain I'd felt. I kept trying Oikawa, hugging myself as best possible in the process. He finally picked up on the fifth call.
"Yamaguchi Tadashi!" He shouted at me from the other line. I winced. "It is 2 in the f*cking morning, I had a four hour practice yesterday, I had an unbelievable amount of homework, and I had to hang out with my parents and I am f*cking exhausted, so WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL THE MORNING?!" Oikawa screeched.
I was still hyperventilating. I tried to stop, to talk. "O-Oik-gasp-Oikawa-gasp-Oikawa-san–" I stuttered out dumbly. "Yamaguchi?" Oikawa asked from the other line, clearly concerned now. "Is everything alright?"
"Nightmares–couldn't sleep-anniversary–you said–gasp–you said–"
"God Yamaguchi I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I-are you okay? Of course you can come over…" Oikawa trailed off uncertainly. He'd reassured me he didn't mind me coming to him for help in these situations. I'd described them to him vaguely before, but I don't think he ever understood the intensity of them until now. This was the first time I'd reached out to him, after all.
"I'm fine–be there–gasp–be there soon!" I hung up. I began walking even faster, eager to escape the ghosts of my past that insisted on haunting me with every step.
A bit later, I arrived at Oikawa's apartment building. He was a junior, so he didn't have to live in the university dorms and had his own apartment. The doorman recognized me by now, and let me in. I sprinted up the stairs to the fourth story, Oikawa's floor, and then ran down to the end of the hall where his apartment was. I quickly and quietly knocked on the door, praying Oikawa hadn't changed his mind.
It would appear the gods were on my side, as a few moments later the door opened, and there stood Oikawa. I hazily registered that he was only in a loose shirt and boxers, although I had other things to worry about. I looked up at him (he had a good five inches on me, darn him), and our eyes met. Oikawa had really nice eyes, big and brown and gorgeous, unlike mine. They widened after taking in my appearance. He looked up and down, exclaiming, "Yama-chan!" in a scared voice.
Oikawa reached for my hand and brought my inside, closing and locking the door behind him. "You're so pale…and you're freezing! What were you thinking, walking over here in just that shirt and those shorts?" Oikawa chastised me, leading me further inside, although I could tell he was more worried than mad.
"I'm really sorry to bother you on a Saturday night," I said shakily, uncertainly. "I know–"
"Nonsense, anything for my Yama-chan." Oikawa said. I blushed as he not only used a nickname for me that no one else did, but also called me his.
"What do you need from me? You can stay here tonight, of course, if you want you could take my bed–why don't I make you some tea or something–?" Oikawa began rambling, moving to his kitchenette.
"Oikawa-san, thank you so much. Are you sure if it's okay that I stay here tonight? And I could take the couch, you shouldn't move on account of me! And…honestly, I guess I just needed…" I sighed softly, not finishing my sentence.
Oikawa had stopped moving around in the kitchen and went to set up the couch for me. He cocked his head and prompted, "Needed…?"
"To…not be…alone." I finally stuttered out awkwardly. Oikawa stared at me. "What about Tsukishima? Isn't he usually the one you go to for…things like this? Not that I mind of course! I just–well, he's your roommate and all…"
"He wasn't there when I woke up." I said, raising my eyes from the floor to meet Oikawa's. I slowly tread across the floor and sat on the couch, near him. "I do usually go to him, but, well, you know how we've become more and more distant, and then when I woke up and went to go find him tonight, he–he just, he wasn't there, I got a text from him saying Kuroo had had some emergency, so, he had to go."
By the end of my explanation, Oikawa was gazing pitifully at me. He bit his lip and sighed, sitting down next to me. "I'm so sorry, Yama-chan, that must have been awful. But I'm here for you, you can come as many times as you want." He hugged me then. I tensed up. I wasn't good with physical contact, not since the incident. Tsukki was an exception, him and I had always been so close, but everyone else…
I didn't push Oikawa away though. I found myself…not panicking. In fact, I weakly reciprocated near the end as he began to pull away. He stood up and looked back down at me.
"It's pretty late, Yama-chan, we should go to bed. Let me know if you need anything though, you know I'm just down the hall!" He then gave one of his cute, closed eyes and bright smiles, and walked off to his bedroom. I sighed contentedly, realizing that the voices and such were, for the most part, gone. I felt safe in Oikawa's apartment, far from my problems. I tried to hide under the large blanket he'd given me, to burrow under the couch and into the pillow. I was so tired that within a matter of minutes I was out, not into a dreamless sleep however.