As I walked down the hall back to my room, I glanced over my shoulder at Yamaguchi, trying to disappear beneath the blanket. God, he looked terrible. Not terrible as in ugly, no no. Yamaguchi was very cute, but he looked, what was the word? Hm…haunted. Yes, haunted, that was it.
I slowly made my way back into bed and took off my shirt, only having donned it for the sake of Yamaguchi when he called and said he was coming over (he was very modest, and the last thing I wanted to do tonight was set him more on edge). Trying to resettle, I pondered my friend, lying in my living room and my relationship with him.
Poor Yamaguchi. I didn't know all the details of what had happened to him, but I knew it was awful. How could I have forgotten that today was the anniversary of when it all started, and the first one, no less? Today, when Yamaguchi needed more support than any other time. He always put up with me and my antics, laughing shyly at my jokes, gazing thoughtfully while I ranted. He wasn't particularly outspoken, which worked rather well for me, but I knew he had a dark side I didn't ever really get to see, and I had just caught my first glimpse of it.
On top of all that, there was the question of what he meant to me. Both of us had fallen out of touch, so to speak, with our best friends, coincidentally because they were dating other people when we had crushes on them. He knew exactly how I felt, perhaps even more so after finding out Tsukishima was gay and hadn't chosen him. He had also been an amazing friend, not in the same sense of Iwaizumi though (who was straight, so at least I still had my pride). He was much more mild, that was for sure. Kinder, more openly caring, really sweet all around, empathetic.
Over the months since we'd started hanging out, my feelings for Iwa-chan had significantly subsided, and been replaced for the adorable, freckled, young freshman. I'd come to the realization that I liked him and wanted to be with him, but I wasn't sure how over his "Tsukki" he was, and then there was the whole mental state. He seemed fine to me, more sane than most of my friends. He was also very smart, taking pretty advanced classes (and I happened to know he did amazing in all of them). That's why when he had eventually mentioned what happened to his family the year before, I'd been shocked.
Yamaguchi was clearly and understandably very traumatized after what happened. I hadn't seen any signs of depression or PTSD or anything from him, although he had yet to open up to me about that kind of stuff so I couldn't be sure. Tonight seemed to be off to a good start though (in regards to our relationship), which made me smile a tiny bit.
I finally drifted off to sleep, deciding I didn't care how broken Yamaguchi was, I wanted to be with him, to be there for him whenever he needed me, to help him however I could, and build him back up.
I woke with a start about an hour later. I was extremely aggravated, furious even at first, but then I remembered what had transpired just a bit ago. And then I registered that I had been woken by screams and moans, which were coming from my living room.
I shot out of bed and ran to where Yamaguchi was. Sure enough, there he was, twisting and crying in his sleep. I was frozen in horror as I heard some of the things he said. "Stop! Please! Don't kill them! Take me instead, please! They're just kids, please don't do it!" and "Oh god oh oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, it's all my fault, my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault." There were also a few people's names he cried out, probably family members.
My god, what the hell had happened to Yamaguchi? I was brought out of my stupor when he started clawing at his neck, pleading for someone to let go. "Please," he rasped out, "I can't…I can't…breathe!" I went over to the couch and shook him awake.
"Yamaguchi!" I pried his hands from his neck and continued shaking him, but he didn't wake up. "Yamaguchi!" I tried again, putting more force into my movements, but he still would not wake up. Panicking, I shouted, "Tadashi!" and slapped him, to which he bolted up, his chest heaving, his eyes wide in terror and confusion, his body shaking like a leaf. I winced as I could make out the shape of my hand starting to form on his cheek.
"Yama-chan…" I trailed off cautiously, not sure what I should do. Tsukishima would've known, I thought bitterly. No, I had to be better, I had to beat him, but most importantly, I had to help Yamaguchi. Speaking of Yamaguchi, the person in question seemed to have calmed down a bit. He locked eyes with mine, looking more haunted than ever.
Before I could say anything else, he lunged at me, throwing his arms around my neck and burying his face in my chest. I was genuinely surprised, he wasn't really one for physical contact. Just earlier when I'd tried to hug him he went completely still and froze, but now, he was clinging to me like I was the only thing keeping him grounded.
Slowly, I reciprocated and put my arms around him, putting one of my hands on his head and bringing it closer to me, if possible. We sat there like that for a bit, him calming down and evening his breaths out while I patted his back and stroked his soft hair. After I felt like he had come back to Earth, I gently prodded, "Yama-chan? Are you okay?"
I felt a weak nod against my chest and smiled a bit, grateful Yamaguchi seemed to be doing better. "I'm sorry," he whispered, barely audible. I frowned at that, taking his shoulders in my hands and pushing him back so we could see each other eye to eye.
"No Yama-chan, I'm sorry. I knew that you struggled with things since…since the incident, since I met you, but I never–I didn't realize things were this bad for you. I'm sorry, I've been a terrible friend and haven't been there for you." When there was no response, I looked closer and saw that Yamaguchi was crying.
"Ah! I'm sorry, did I say something wrong? Are you not okay anymore? Did–"
"I'm fine, Oikawa-san. I just-" Yamaguchi paused and sniffled, wiping away some tears with his hands. He continued quietly, "you're being a really good friend, better than most, and I just…I really appreciate it. It's been a really long time since anyone cared this much…" Yamaguchi looked down awkwardly at that last part. I stared at him thoughtfully before speaking again.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked. "…yes, I think. But, not now. Maybe…maybe tomorrow?" I nodded understandingly and let my arms fall to my side.
"Yama-chan…I want to help however best I can. Is there anything…does Tsukishima usually do anything else to help you?" I asked nervously, but hopeful that there was some way I could make things just a bit better for my friend.
"Tsukki…usually–when I have nightmares, that is, he usually–um, he lets me–" Yamaguchi mumbled the last part, so I didn't hear what he said. "He does what?" I questioned, willing Yamaguchi to meet my eyes. Thankfully, he did, and then quietly said, "He lets me sleep with him." We started at each other for a few moments before Yamaguchi began saying, "I guess…I guess we should go back to sleep. I'll try not to wake you, Oikawa-san. And thank you again, for everything," but I stopped him.
"You can stay with me, if that'd help." I offered, trying my best to make it sound like I genuinely wanted to help him and wasn't just looking for an excuse to get him in my bed (which I was not!). Based on Yamaguchi's reaction, he looked mortified and was going to decline, so I quickly stood up and dragged him along with me.
"It's settled then, you'll stay with me tonight, it'll be fine Yama-chan." In a matter of moments, we'd reach my bedroom. I climbed into bed and scooted over to one side, pulling Yamaguchi down into the other. He sat there awkwardly, not quite sure what to do, so I moved to sit under the covers trying to get him to do the same.
After I'd settled, Yamaguchi thankfully followed suit. We laid next to each other, both on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. I rolled over and said, "Goodnight, Yama-chan. I hope you have better dreams, but I'll be here if you need me," and then rolled back over and went to sleep (or tried to, rather, I didn't fall asleep for a long time).
Yamaguchi did. He was out within a matter of minutes, I could tell because his breathing had evened out. Once I was sure he wouldn't wake up though, I rolled back over and studied him closely.
His face was peaceful now, probably more so than I'd ever seen it, even when we were just casually hanging out. His dark lashes contrasted sharply with his light skin, and so did his freckles, which were just the cutest. His hair was kind of a mess by now, especially after I'd been patting it earlier, but it looked fine on Yamaguchi, and I wanted nothing more than to pick up where I'd left off. Miraculously, I had the chance.
Yamaguchi stirred a bit in his sleep after a while. It wasn't a full blown nightmare like he'd had before, but his face was scrunched up in frustration, and he grunted softly a few times. He also started moving, rolling around, and then he picked up the pace and strength until he rolled right into me.
I caught him, so to speak. Unsure of how to proceed, I tried wrapping my arms around him like before and bringing his face to my chest, rubbing his back again. I thought it wasn't working, but after a bit he calmed down and leaned back into me, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Quite content with our current position, I kissed Yamaguchi's forehead as I thought of how he goes through this on a regular basis, and had probably just never told me. Well, no more of that. Tomorrow morning we would talk, he would come clean, and then I could help him, I could be there for him like a good friend (or boyfriend…we'll see).