December 2nd

JJ held Emily's hand as the doctor performed another ultrasound. She had been Emily's constant companion and support through the last six months – Emily wasn't sure how she would've survived the pregnancy without her.

"Baby's looking nice and big," the doctor commented. "You're almost full-term now – have you made your plans for the birth?"

Emily gave a nervous little laugh. "You mean, aside from freak out?" she said, a touch hysterically.

"We have a plan," JJ assured the doctor. "She just gets sarcastic when she's nervous."

"Understandable," the doctor agreed. "Your situation is certainly unique." She smiled compassionately. "Do you have names picked out?"

Eyes transfixed by the image of her child sucking its thumb in her womb, Emily murmured, "If it's a boy, Clyde II. If it's a girl. Clyde liked the name Flora...but I'm not sure how I feel about the name 'Easter Flowers'..."

JJ smiled softly. "You have some time to figure it out," she reassured.

"Well, everything looks really good," the doctor remarked. "You still don't want to know the gender?"

She shook her head. It was one of the few things Clyde had really wanted: to be surprised on the day their child was born.

"I'll give you a moment alone," the doctor said, departing the exam room.

Once the door clicked shut, Emily finally allowed the tears to well up, her eyes never leaving that little silhouette. "Do you think the baby looks like me or Clyde?"

JJ squeezed her hand. "That's a perfect little combination of the both of you," she murmured.

She sniffled. "I miss him so much, Jayje," she choked out, "This is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had to do and I'm doing it alone."

"You're not alone, Em, you have me," she assured.

"It's just..."

JJ nodded her understanding. "It's not the same."

The two women were on their way to the little hospital cafe in search of a healthy snack to boost Emily's dropping blood sugar when they ran into one Derek Morgan. He gave a little half-wave at their approach, but dropped his hand back to his side when he noticed Emily's red-rimmed eyes.

It was too late, though, his presence had already been noted.

"Derek Morgan?" JJ exclaimed. "What are you doing back in town? Last I heard, you'd been made junior partner at some fancy law firm in Chicago..." She wrapped her arms around his neck in a friendly embrace.

Returning the hug, he replied, "It's a long story. The short version is: I'm here to look after Mama."

She nodded. "How's she doing? Everyone was so sad to hear the cancer's back..."

His eyes turned sad briefly. "She's doing well. The doctors are confident the chemo will be effective, but surgery is still on the table." He shrugged. "What about you, Princess?" he asked Emily, "How's Baby?"

She smiled weakly. "Doing good," she said softly, "Growing right on schedule."

"Glad to hear it. I'm sure that's one tough little peanut you've got in there."

Emily gave a wet little laugh at that. "Clyde used to call it Peanut..." she whispered.

Derek blanched a little. "Oh, I, umm... I'm sorry, I didn't know."

She shook her head. "Don't be sorry," she insisted. "It's a sign. He's still here. Watching over us."

It had taken Emily almost an entire month to realize she was pregnant. Her cycle had never been regular, which is part of why she didn't believe she could be pregnant in the first place. They'd been trying for a baby for years – Emily had refused to seek out medical help, afraid of hearing the news that there was no hope – and had never once gotten a positive pregnancy test.

Naturally, she had assumed that her nausea had other causes. At least, until Clyde had bought the pregnancy tests and wordlessly handed them to her.

"I can't," she choked out, shaking her head insistently. "Clyde..."

"Emily," he whispered, gently cupping her cheek. "We need to know."

She was struggling to blink back tears, even as she leaned into his touch. "But what if it's negative?" she whispered.

Stroking his thumb along her cheek bone, he murmured, "Then we'll get through it. Together."

It took six different tests before she would even begin to believe she really was pregnant. And even then, she wasn't completely convinced until the doctor ran a blood test, performed an ultrasound.

Only then did she dare to hope.

Dear Pilgrim;

I wish I could tell you I shared your enthusiasm for this little friendship endeavour...but I was less blackmailed than I was blindsided. I'm trying to look on the bright side, though. Like you, I'm not exactly in any place to turn away a friend. Things haven't been easy for me lately.

I don't exactly have much Christmas spirit this year. It was supposed to be the best year of my life, but...like I said...things. So, you'll have to excuse me if I don't answer your questions – Christmas has never been my favourite time, not even when I was little.

I always told myself that if I ever had kids, I'd make sure they fell in love with Christmas, the way I never did. I'd take them skating and then bundle them up and make them cocoa and we'd watch a Christmas movie together. I'd take them to see The Nutcracker every year. We'd all wear matching pyjamas on Christmas Eve and watch It's a Wonderful Life and have a family sleepover in the living room.

Pretty cheesy, right?

Maybe the problem is that I just hoped too much. I pinned all my dreams for the future on this picture of perfection I'll just never quite reach. Maybe I'm just cursed.

I guess you're probably wishing you had a different pen pal right about now, huh? Sorry you got stuck with a Debbie Downer like me...

~ Silver Belle

PS: Maybe I'm just a nerd, but your nickname wouldn't perchance be a reference to Billy Pilgrim, a la Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five?