by foot it's a slow climb
Chapter four
:::
The night after that incredibly, terribly awkward conversation I dragged myself up at four in the morning. The Jingshi was dark when I shambled to the table in the living area to light a candle and prepared for the day. I knew Wangji would be up at five. Even after a year away, I was betting I could still set a clock by his routine.
The thought made me smile.
I still had things I needed to do without him hovering over me. He meant well, I knew. It still felt strange to go from licking my own wounds to being told to stay in bed for a tiny scratch.
I sat down to write up one last report for lan Qiren about the incident yesterday - Including the fact that Su She knocked Wei Wuxian off Suiban, because honestly?
Fuck that guy.
As a cultivator, there were some things you did not do. Sabotaging another cultivator like that, after being saved? It was enough to get you on everyone's shit list. I wouldn't trust Su She to wipe his own ass.
Su She... was insignificant. A stupid, petty boy who grew up into a vicious, petty man. I noticed him for the first time a year ago, glaring at me, snapping at my heels out of jealousy. Changing the plot was dangerous, but the very thought of having Su She at my back - or worse, at Wangji's- in a night hunt made my skin crawl.
He had to go.
When the report was done, the sun was just peaking over the horizon. Wangji was still sleeping, but there was a restless buzz in my bones. I needed to move. I decided to make breakfast. It wouldn't distract Wangji - he was far too stubborn for that - but it might ease the strange tension from yesterday.
It was a fact that food in the Cloud Recesses was bland and unappetizing. Five months after I joined Gusu for real, I asked Lan Qiren for permission to use the kitchens to make my own food. I framed it as self-sufficiency, growing up, practicing empathy for the common people, all that jazz.
After a night of thought, favoritism showed it's beautiful face again and Lan Qiren added the rule that the kitchens were open to those who wished to care for their own breakfasts and lunches. Dinner was still to be had communally. Meals were to be made by their own hands, and anyone who ordered around other students or personal servants to cook for them was strictly punished, as a few guest disciples found out.
No one took advantage of the rule after that.
Even cultivators from tiny sects were spoiled as hell.
As a stealth commoner, I was more than happy to take care of my own food. My mother taught every single one of us to cook, though my third brother was easily the best. Mom believed in self sufficiency, so I also knew how to sew, fix things around the house, and make a variety of things like candles and soap. I even did farm work when one of the villagers needed some extra help.
Cooking for someone else was technically not allowed, but I was a pretty good cook. Lan Qiren certainly didn't protest when I bribed him with lunch - I mean, showed my respect towards my teacher by personally cooking for him.
Favoritism: it's what's for breakfast.
I borrowed one of Wangji's uniforms for the walk over to the kitchens. I had yet to visit the tailors and I didn't want to get stopped for being suspicious. I whipped up a quick porridge with brown sugar using the last of my rations from the trip, and grabbed some fresh raspberries from the trees behind the kitchen.
I carried the food back to the Jingshi just before five, and set out the table for two. I heard the quiet rustle of cloth from Wangji's bed.
Five o'clock exactly.
I felt a bubble of warm fondness and shook my head.
Wangji really didn't change.
Wangji wandered into the room at precisely ten after five, and stopped dead in the doorway.
I smiled at him. "Morning."
He stared at me.
Steam curled in the air from the food. Wangji's gold eyes dragged across the table, and over me. Abruptly I was aware of the way Wangji's sleeves fell over my hands - I wasn't the only one who had a growth spurt. His clothes were just a little too big for me. Finally, Wangji met my gaze, and there was a look in them I didn't recognize.
Or so I told myself.
Ba-thump, went my stupid, traitorous heart.
No,I told it, no ba-thump, no skipping, no getting crushes on Wangji of all people.
He was the one person who literally made for someone else!
The thought of Wei Wuxian sleeping peacefully somewhere out in the Cloud Recesses was like a bucket of cold water over my head.
Right.
No way would Lan Wangji look at me like he wanted to peel off my clothes with his teeth. He had a type - and that type was Wei Wuxian.
Thirteen years of waiting was proof enough of that.
Wangji wasn't for me. I just wasn't built for world-shaking, everlasting love; I was too practical, too normal, too petty for things like that.
Wangji deserved better.
I cleared my throat. "Breakfast?"
Wangji glanced at the table. "...Mn."
Wangji returned to his normal bitchy, brick-wall of a self over breakfast, thank god. Afterwards, both of us were dressed and leaving. He hesitated at the path where we would go our separate ways.
He gave me a hard stare, which was just his normal stare with a bit more eyebrow. "Do not be reckless."
I don't roll my eyes, because that would be rude.
"I'm only going to the tailors," I said. "Then a little bit of training."
"Still injured."
"That's why it's only a little bit of training."
Wangji's eyes narrowed.
I gave in and rolled my eyes. "Wangji, I'm in the Cloud recesses. If I run into anything I can't handle, I'll call you for help, okay?"
After a moment, Wangji nodded slightly. "Mark your words."
"Cross my heart," I said, making the motion.
His expression flickered, but Wangji nodded and turned too fast for me to catch it. He set off at a brisk pace, leaving me staring at his back.
"...Okay," I said to empty air. "Good talk."
I shook my head, and went to run my errands.
:::
Lan Qiren had yet to return from his conference, so I handed my reports over to one of his aides - the mousy one who's name I always forgot. Shang Qing-something?
The young man looked down at the thick stack of paper like he wanted to cry. "How many reports?"
"Three hundred and twelve," I said.
"You were only gone for a year. That's like - six night hunts a week!"
And?
It was a training trip.
I was training.
Obviously.
I waited for him to get to the point.
He looked from me to the stack of papers, then gave the most defeated sigh I'd ever heard. "Damn overachievers. Never mind. Just - go. Go away. I have paperwork to do, apparently."
Sucked to be him.
I saluted and got out of there before he tried to rope me into helping.
I headed for the tailors next, letting them measure me. GusuLan uniforms needed to be . Holding up my left arm stung a bit, but I was good at healing myself by now. It'd be gone by the end of the day. After the tailors were done, I was left at a loss. I couldn't shake the feeling I was meant to be somewhere, doing something, helping someone out. Night-hunting alone for a year was bound to leave a mark, I guess.
...Wangji would probably give me a disappointed stare if I went down to Caiyi town on my own. I already said I'd stay in the Cloud Recesses.
I went to one of the grounds reserved for training. Even though I promised not to push myself too hard, that didn't mean training wasn't important. I rotated my shoulder critically; it already felt fine enough for half my normal routine.
I started off easy with two hours of easy tai chi practice, every move slow and deliberate. Tai Chi was familiar as breathing - my maternal grandmother was a daoist priest, and she practiced daily.
It settled the part of my heart that ached for my family. They lived outside of Gusu territory in Zhejiang, way too far away to justify visiting in my year away, even by sword. My constant movement made letters impossible to receive.
I really needed to go home and visit.
Maybe I could convince Wangji to come with me?
After tai chi, I moved on to sword-work. I started not with the clean graceful sweep of GusuLan style, but the clean, no frills style of my family.
I don't like thinking about my early childhood much. I was a terrible brat of a child, oscillating between terrible tantrums and being practically comatose. I hated everything and everyone - it's a miracle my parents didn't give up on me. I slept for hours, for days, for weeks. I didn't want to wake up, because the world around me was strange. When I was awake, even my body was unfamiliar.
Everything was scary.
...Nothing felt real after I was reborn. I didn't want it to be real.
Not my new family.
Not the world.
Not my body.
The first five years of my new life -
It was a bad time.
I try not to think about it.
I got better only when my grandmother pressed a wooden sword to my chubby, unfamiliar hand and forced me to be present. Once I got used to my new body, I stopped feeling so strange. The anxiety became manageable again.
For me, holding a sword was when I was most at peace. The pull and stretch of skin, the thump of my heart, the blood rushing through my veins - it was a reminder that I belonged to this world. There were reasons to keep going, even if life was so, so scary sometimes.
I was loved.
After I finished with my family style, I paused to wipe the sweat off my forehead and asses my shoulder. The wound was slowing me down more than I thought it would. I shrugged off the top half of Wangji's inner clothes, leaving me in my pants and boots. I stretched my arms behind me, arching my back to a satisfying series of pops -
Then a larger crack - from above me?
A flutter of white cloth out of the corner of my eye -
I lunged without thinking, arms outstretched, dropping Sansheng in the dirt.
"Oh," A familiar voice said, breathless in my grasp.
For a moment Wei Wuxian and I stared at each other. He was covered in dirt, and there were bits of leaves in his hair. I was holding him princess style, and I could feel his hands against my bare chest.
… was this going to be a running gag?
Was I cursed?
Why did canon characters keep flinging themselves into my arms?!
I wanted a refund.
"Um," Wei Wuxian said, a blush rising in his face. It suited him and I wanted to die. "Hello, again!"
"Hello," I said, instead of dumping him in the dirt. Mom may have raised an idiot, but she didn't raise a manner-less barbarian. "I don't think we've been introduced."
Wei Wuxian laughed, still slightly breathless. "An oversight, if we're going to be as close as this. I'm Wei Ying, courtesy name Wuxian. Call me Wei Ying!"
Like hell.
I set him on his feet and took a step back, hands falling behind me in an effort not to run screaming all the way back home. "Yan Xi, courtesy name Ruizhi. A pleasure, Young Master Wei."
He pouted, bringing the full force of his pretty face down like a hammer. "So distant, A-Xi. You've saved my life twice now! Isn't that just like fate itself telling us to be friends? We should be closer to reflect that, or the gods might curse us with bad luck."
Too late.
I offered him a polite, empty smile. "We have just met, Young Master Wei. It would be improper. Over-familiarity and rudeness are against the rules. "
He rolled his eyes. "You Gusu people and your rules. Do you plan on living like an elder before your hair has even turned grey?"
"Yes," I said without hesitation, hands folded behind me. I tried looking as boring and unfriendly as possible. If it kept me out of the stupid drama cultivators were prone too, I'd live like a monk for the rest of my life. In fact, I'd go be a monk right now if I could take Wangji and the Gusu Library with me.
I'm a very boring person at heart, protagonist - so please go bother Wangji instead!
Wei Wuxian blinked at me, and then he laughed. "I say your rules are boring and you don't even deny it!"
"Lying is forbidden," I said.
I was a coward and a fraud, not an idiot. The rules banned everything fun - and I liked them anyway. I liked that there were at least one for every situation. It left me with a certain sense of security. Manners were comforting. The GusuLan sect was easy to navigate socially in a way I'd never known. I was never caught off guard by anyone in GusuLan.
Wei Wuxian wiped the mirth out of his eyes. "Ah, I should have expected Lan Zhan's friend to be as funny as him! Truly your honesty and his righteousness fit well together."
Yes, yes, hilarious. Will you please get to the point?
"What are you doing out here, Young Master Wei?" I asked.
Please just be planning a prank or something.
Wei Wuxian grinned at me. "I was looking for you, of course!"
Of course.
Bitch face activated!
"Did you need something?" I asked.
Please say no.
Wei Wuxian bit his lip, and it was very distracting. Wangji might have dibs, but that didn't mean I was blind. He was very pretty, and I was only human.
A very bisexual, very stupid human.
"How's your shoulder?" Wei Wuxian asked.
I blinked. "It is of no concern, Young Master Wei. The healers of GusuLan are skilled and dedicated to the welfare of their patients. There is no need to worry about me."
Seriously. Please don't.
Wei Wuxian looked almost offended. "Of course I'll worry! You got hurt because of me!"
...Oh. Oh, shit. I got hurt saving him, and Wei Wuxian was one of those characters - the ones with an overblown sense of responsibility and a martyr complex a mile wide. Someone getting hurt on his behalf was, like, worse than getting injured himself.
He wasn't going to leave me alone, was he?
It'd be too OOC.
If I could go back in time and strangle my past self, I'd do it. Why did all of my good deeds come back to bite me in the ass?
"I am well. It was barely a scratch," I said.
Wei Wuxian gave a doubtful look at my bare shoulder. "It doesn't look like a scratch."
I glanced down at the wound. It was about five inches long, dragging over my left shoulder, down my chest to almost over my heart. The waterborne abyss was full of resentful energy, so the edges of the cut looked blackened, almost as if the wound was infected. It was shallow, so there was no blood - but I could see where Wei Wuxian was coming from.
"It looks worse than it is," I said, then went and put Wangji's robes back on. If there was any justice in the world, Wei Wuxian's terrible memory would strike and he'd forget I'd ever existed when the cut was out of sight.
"That was an interesting sword style," Wei Wuxian said, because fuck me, I guess. "Which sect did you come from? I've seen most of the larger sects, except the Nie because Huaisang says he's no good at the Nie style, which is a shame. Lan Zhan attacked me on the first night here, so that's how I know it's not GusuLan. Do you want to spar?"
I blinked slowly.
Wei Wuxian was chatty. I mean, I already knew that, but hearing him was different. He was holding this conversation all by himself.
"I am injured," I said.
It was the whole reason you were here?
Wei Wuxian's memory was bad, but...
Protagonist, will you be okay?
Wei Wuxian laughed. "Right, I forgot! it didn't seem to be slowing you down."
"...Exactly how long were you watching me, Young Master Wei?" I asked.
I needed to work on my situational awareness...
He shrugged with a grin, shameless. "Long enough to want to spar against you."
It was stupid, and against my good sense but - for a moment, I was deeply tempted. Wei Wuxian was one of the top five young masters. In the story he fought Wangji to a standstill. I was better than Wangji with a sword, but that didn't mean I always won our fights.
Between Wei Wuxian and I, who would win?
My hand flexed, and Sangsheng zipped up from the ground.
Wei Wuxian just stood there, smiling.
"I can't. Healer's orders," I said at last.
He pouted at me. "Aw, boring. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to avoid me, A-Xi. I was going to invite you down to Caiyi town, but if you keep hurting my feelings like this I don't know if I will."
Oh thank god.
Bullet dodged.
"I am sorry to hear that, Young Master Wei," I said. "I am not allowed to leave the Cloud Recesses while I'm healing."
He gave a theatrical sigh. "I suppose It's fine - you'll just have to make it up to me another day," He gave me a winning smile. "I'm very generous, you know. You should treat me to breakfast as thanks. We can eat together!"
I bowed politely. "That will not be necessary, Young master Wei. I have already eaten. Please excuse me."
Ah. I should probably ask about the thing with Su She.
I turned back reluctantly. "Young Master Wei, I have made a report regarding the situation yesterday with Su She. Do you have anything you would like me to add to it?" I turned it in, but rule number 478 stated that amending reports when new information popped up was key to night hunting.
I love knowing all the rules. It makes my life so much easier in the long run.
"Su who?" Wei Wuxian asked.
"The disciple who you saved yesterday."
"Why would you report him?"
I blinked slowly, unimpressed. "He deliberately knocked you off your sword, Young Master Wei. You could have died."
"Ah, I don't know if that was on purpose -"
"He kicked you in the back," I don't normally interrupt people, but that was too stupid to let stand. "The fall alone would've killed a normal person - and even a cultivator like you would've walked away injured. It was on purpose."
"But I didn't even get injured," Lighting fast, Wei Wuxian draped himself over me and batted his eyelashes with an exaggerated pout. "A big, strong hero swooped in at the last moment and saved Xianxian. Nothing happened, so why bother reporting it?"
His arm was thrown around my shoulder. We were pressed nearly chest to chest, and his head was bent towards me in a parody of the moment before a kiss. His wild black hair brushed past my face. There was a smile tucked into the corner of his full mouth; it was almost too bright to look at. He smelled like ink and something vaguely spicy.
I stared at his handsome face, just inches from my own. Guess that was why he was a renowned flirt - that move was enough to knock most people the fuck out. Even my shriveled heart skipped a beat.
It was a good try at distracting me.
Too bad I was immune to pretty people by now - Wangji had everyone beat in that department. Plus, I wasn't nearly as uptight as everyone else at Gusu. I didn't mind a bit of flirting or touching with someone of the same gender.
"You don't want me to report Su She," I said, unimpressed.
The 'Why the fuck not?' was silent but implied.
Wei Wuxian smiled. "He's a Gusu core disciple, isn't he? You can't discipline an inner disciple over the son of a servant! Besides, I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Wangji would disagree," I said.
"He talked about me?" Wei Wuxian forgot to smolder for a moment, visibly surprised. "What did he say? Good things, I hope. Was it nice? Did he mention how good looking and talented I am? Ah, for shame, Lan Zhan! Doesn't he know gossip is forbidden in the Could Recesses?"
I could feel his body trembling with suppressed laughter.
"Lying is also forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. You have never shied away from trouble in your life, Young Master Wei," I said. I took a step away from him; My hands folded behind me and my posture perfect - channeling Lan Qiren so hard I almost grew a goatee. "If you have nothing to add, then I will not need to amend my report. Thank you for your time, Young Master Wei."
"Eh? You're still turning a report in?"
Why did he sound so surprised? Wei Wuxian wasn't just the son of a servant - he was the head disciple of YunmengJiang. Even if he wasn't, would that matter?
A person is a person, regardless of their family.
Don't you know that people care about you? What do you think your prickly younger brother would do if you got hurt in Gusu?
Please value yourself more, Mr. protagonist.
I didn't say that, of course. My brain to mouth filter wasn't that broken. "I turned in my report this morning. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, what Su She did was a grave breach of conduct. To repay the person who saved your life - no matter their supposed social class - with betrayal... such a person can't be kept."
Speaking was so annoying, and it made me wish for a quiet room with only Wangji for company. Being around the protagonist made my soul itch. I could smell the drama coming. He was still staring at me, totally blindsided, and it was making me remember all the shit Wei Wuxian would have to go through in the future. In three to five years, this bright, laughing boy would be ripped apart by his own evil creation.
It was making me kind of sad.
Terrible treatment of a character and terrible treatment of a person - they were very different beasts.
I sighed. "If he had come to apologize to you, I would perhaps ask for more leniency. Has he?"
Wei Wuxian was staring at me with wide, grey eyes. He said nothing.
I figured.
Actions have consequences.
It wasn't that hard a concept. Why was Wei Wuxian looking at me like that? This whole situation was, no joke, stressing me the fuck out.
Time to run away!
I saluted Wei Wuxian. "Have a nice day, Young Master Wei."
Then I turned on my heel, and hurried away before he could recover. I didn't run, because that was against the rules, but I sure as hell power walked away. A sharp gesture summoned Sansheng to it's scabbard while I was going. Sorry for dropping you, buddy. I'll polish you later to make up for it.
Escape secured!
Not.
Ha ha, of course not. When am I ever that lucky?
I made it ten steps before Wei Wuxian caught up with me.
"No running in the cloud recesses," I said automatically.
Wei Wuxian laughed. "You know, I wondered what a friend of Lan Zhan would be like, but you're really not what I expected! A-Xi, you're even better! "
What does that even mean?
"Gossip is forbidden in the Cloud recesses," I said. "Don't call me A-Xi."
Wei Wuxian grinned. " Everything is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, A-Xi. Didn't I say to call me A-Ying? Oh, or Xian-gege! You're younger than me, right? Every time I try to get Jiang Cheng to call me gege, he just threatens to break my legs. So not cute."
And die of Wangji induced homicide?
Pass.
Wei Wuxian looked at my expression and laughed. "Ah, of course Lan Zhan's friend would be just as funny as he is!"
If I thought hanging around Jin Zixuan felt bad, it was nothing compared to having Wei Wuxian around. Wei Wuxian was so...
Loud. Annoying. Arrogant.
Pretty.
Ugh.
Puberty was the worst.
Wei Wuxian could have a whole conversation with someone only grunting in reply. I kept having to shrug off Wie Wuxian's friendly touches; an arm hooked around mine, a hand tugging at my sleeve, knocking his shoulder gently against my own. It didn't matter how many times I shrugged him off because he was back to touching me again seconds later.
Why was he so freaking sticky? Was his mother an octopus?
Please take a hint, protagonist!
Bizarrely, after fifteen minutes of winding tension inside my head, something just kind of… snapped. I let his river of words flow and eddy around my feet while I went on with my exercise. I was stuck in a river of bright words. This was my life now.
It was sort of nice.
"- and then Jiang Cheng fell in the lake, it was really funny. Is that Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian called out, delighted. "Lan Zhan, over here!"
And just like that, I was slam-dunked back down to earth.
I snapped back to my body so fast I think I gave my soul friction burns. My head jerked around, and sure enough, Wangji was standing under the shade of a tree, his guiqin in his arms. He looked up and his gold eyes were molten in the sun.
I darted towards him.
Love interest! Come collect your husband!
"Ruizhi," Wangji said. The hair on the back of my neck rose up - what the hell was up with that tone? "Wei Ying."
"Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian sounded so thrilled. "Where have you been all day?"
"Wangji," I said. "Were you looking for me?"
"Mm," Wangji's eyes flicked to Wei Wuxian, who was playing with the sleeve of my robe - of Wangji's robe. That I was wearing.
Ah, shit.
Please don't kill me, bro! I swear I'm not trying to pick up your hubby - in fact, will you please be my body shield?
I tugged my sleeve out of Wei Wuxian's grip and moved to Wangji's side. He didn't move away, so today was a good day. I gently knocked my shoulder into his, and fixed where his sleeve was folded slightly wrong. The tip of my fingers brushed over his bare skin for a moment, but Wangji only tensed a little bit.
A year away hadn't reset my progress then. Good.
Human beings needed skin contact to stay sane. Wangji never received, in my presence, from either his brother or his uncle so much as a hug. Cultivators needed things like food and water less than normal people, it was true - but touch? I didn't know. I made the executive decision not to find out. If I was going to be Wangji's friend, I might as well do it right.
When Wangji could stand it, that included physical affection.
It took one full year before I could touch him without Wangji flinching away.
"Were you off to practice, Wangji?" I asked. "Shall I come along? Lord knows, there's not much time to practice on the road. I'm probably rusty."
Wangji - shifted closer to me?
Huh. He'd never done that before.
Absence really did make the heart grow fonder.
"Uncle is coming back. Brother asked for you to come greet him together. Waiting at the gate," Wangji said.
Ah, fuck.
Was this Lan Xichen's revenge for running away yesterday? He knew I always ended up getting extra homework whenever Lan Qiren singled me out - that essay on the healing factor of the cold spring was just one among many. I always ended up with some new, boring thing Lan Qiren wanted covered in an essay. It was one of the few downsides to being Wangji's only friend.
"Old man Lan is coming back?" Wei Wuxian demanded. "Does that mean classes are going to start up again?"
"Tomorrow," Wangji said.
On one hand: Lan Qiren.
On the other: Wei Wuxian.
Did I want more boring work, or did I want to get even more attention from the protagonist?
...Honestly, I was torn. Some of those essays were very, very dull.
Then Wei Wuxian derailed my train of thought by leaning against Wangji's other side, mimicking me. Wangji's pulse picked up speed against my fingers. His wrist flexed and tensed under my hand, but that was it - he didn't throw Wei Wuxian off, or anything.
Wow, Wangji really fell in love fast. More importantly -
It took me a full year before Wangji was that comfortable with me! Unfair, Wei Wuxian!
The protagonist halo was such a cheat.
Still. It was as good an opportunity as any.
"Then I will leave Young Master Wei in your hands, Wangji," I said. "Perhaps you two could practice together?"
Wei Wuxian beamed. "A-Xi has the best ideas! I play the dizi very well - or at least the girls back in Lotus Pier always tell me I do. Do you want to play together, Lan Zhan?"
Wangji's eyes widened minutely and he shot me a glance. Help me was written all over his face. The tips of his ears were bright red.
Sorry, Wangji!
This was for your own good.
I bowed to both of them and power walked away before Wangji could protest.
"So that's your best friend, Lan Zhan?" I heard Wei Wuxian said behind me. Did he even have an inside voice? "He's so polite and nice! The Third Jade of Gusu lives up to his reputation -"
I tripped over empty air.
Wei Wuxian's voice bounced around my head.
The Third Jade of Gusu, the Third Jade of Gusu, Third Jade -
The what. The who?
The FUCK?
:::
bu dum tis.
turns out actions have real world consequences ruizhi!
(these chapters keep getting longer? am I cursed?)
up next: ruizhi's horrible, terrible, no good, very bad realization. protag gonna protag. pornography. bunnies? This Is Fine (tm).