December 21st

There was a knock on the door, interrupting Emily's attempts to rest...not that she was feeling all that tired to begin with, still running on adrenaline from the birth. "Derek?" she said, surprised, when he peered through the slight opening in the doorway. "What are you doing back here? I thought you went home to rest..."

"I did," he said with an awkward little shrug. "But then, I, umm... I realized I hadn't had the chance to hold your little peanut."

"Oh..." If she thought his excuse specious, well...she didn't call him out on it. At least, not in that moment.

He smiled his thanks as he stepped fully into the room. "Where is he, by the way?" he asked upon realizing the baby was nowhere to be seen.

It seemed to take her a moment to realize he meant the baby. "They took him to the nursery," she said. "I couldn't rest with him in the room – every little sound he made had me panicking that he was suffocating or something..."

"Did you want me to leave so you can rest?" he asked, gesturing over his shoulder, suddenly feeling guilty for just showing up without at least calling first to see if she was up for visitors.

"Stay," she almost begged. She wasn't looking at him, staring instead at the blanket covering her lap as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. "JJ went home and I'm feeling a little lonely," she admitted quietly, "And vulnerable..."

He opened his mouth to reassure her, but before he could, the nurse wheeled the little plastic bassinet into the room then with a bright smile. "This cutie is getting hungry," she informed Emily, "How do you feel about trying to breastfeed again?"

Emily seemed almost reluctant, but took the baby in her arms anyway, pulling open her hospital gown to expose her breast.

"Should I leave?" Derek asked again.

Emily laughed a little. "Derek, you were here when he came out of me, I think you can watch him eat..."

Conceding that she was, in fact, right, he settled in the chair next to her bed, still deliberately not looking at her as she attempted to get the baby to latch. "So, does the little guy have a name?" he asked.

"His name is Clyde," she whispered. "Clyde II. No middle name yet." A few moments of silence passed, then Emily started to sniffle.

Derek's brows leapt up his forehead as he whipped around to see what was wrong, finding her eyes filling with tears. "What's wrong, Em?"

She shook her head, drying her tears with the heel of her hand. "I'm a bad mother!" she sobbed.

"Oh, Em, no!" he insisted. "You're just new at this."

"I can't even feed him right!" she wailed. "He's refusing my breast..."

He quietly shushed her, feeling completely inadequate. "Do you want me to call the nurse?"

She shook her head. "I just need a little break. Can... Can you hold him?" She was already trying to pass off the baby to him.

He accepted the squirming bundle that was her son, holding him to his chest. "Hey there, C2," he cooed to the baby. "How's life?" Baby Clyde gurgled, squirmed in his arms, but didn't immediately start crying, which Derek took to be a good sign.

"Did you mean it?" Emily asked suddenly, watching him with intensity.

Derek turned to fix her with a curious expression. "Mean what?" He held out one finger for the baby to grab hold of.

"When you said you have feelings for me – did you mean it?" she asked again.

"Of course!" he said, almost urgently. "Em, everything I said in those letters was the truth. Every word."

She chewed her lip for a moment. "I like you, Derek, but I can't just think about myself anymore..."

He furrowed his brow. "So, what, Em? What are you trying to say?"

"I can't just let someone into my life – my heart – anymore. I need someone who is going to be here for the long run, not for me, for my son."

Derek looked down to the baby who was laying contentedly in his arms. "You mean, this guy? He clearly loves me."

She laughed, a little wetly. "Derek, I'm not joking around here..."

"Neither am I," he insisted. "Em, I've been in love with you since we were eight years old – you really think I'm just going to let all that go?"

She blinked a few times, surprised. "You have?"

"Yeah! Em, you'd have to be blind not to see it!" he said with a laugh. "I spent that past month writing letters to some girl thinking 'hey, I finally found someone who could get my mind off Emily...' Except, turns out it was you all along."

Her tongue flicked out over her bottom lip. "So, you're saying...?"

"If you'll have me, Em, I'm yours. For the long haul," he murmured. "I'll do it all – change diapers and do midnight feedings and..."

She held out a hand to stop the flow of words. "Derek, I'm not looking to jump into anything. I don't need someone to replace Clyde. I don't need a father for my son." She paused, offered an apologetic smile. "Not right away anyway – I need to take some time to figure out motherhood on my own first."

He nodded slowly, swallowed thickly. "That's... That's fair."

She attempted a smile. "I do need you, though. I need a friend. And when the time is right, then, maybe...we could try something?" she said, a little awkwardly.

"Em, all you have to do is ask. For anything," he said firmly. "Even if you only ever need a friend, okay?"

She nodded, sniffling softly.

"So," he said, glancing once again at the baby, "Do you want this little guy back or can I keep him?"

She smiled faintly, extended her hands to take the baby. "Thanks," she murmured,

"For what?"

"For giving me a moment to breathe, to calm down. I've been really overwhelmed and I really just needed to see that he'll be okay with me. Like he is right now. I know it doesn't make any sense, but..." She shrugged. "Thanks."

"Always."