Chapter 14

"And what am I going to do with Henry?" Catherine asked helplessly, unable to resist the urge to hide her tear-stained face behind her hands. The last hour had exhausted her emotionally as well as physically and she felt that she was at the end of her tether.
After her desperate call Doris had squeezed her in despite her busy schedule this day and relinquished her lunchbreak for Catherine's sake.

During the past 60 minutes they had passed through the valley of tears and despair and for the first time since the rape, Catherine had been utterly confronted with her pain and anxieties. She had put aside her mask of repression and had emotionally revealed herself - completely naked and vulnerable. A big breakthrough, as Doris called it.

"What would you like to do regarding Henry?" Her dark-haired therapist sat bolt upright in her chair, appraising Catherine with her mindful intelligent eyes.
"It's not fair to answer a question with a counter question," the blonde woman complained to avoid a direct answer.
"In principle you already know the answer to your question, Catherine," Doris answered.
But her therapist was wrong. Because right now she didn't know anything anymore.

"I think I know what Henry wants but I can't even figure out what I may want," she admitted to Doris and herself.
Her words echoed in her head and all of a sudden Catherine knew at least the things she didn't want, under no circumstances. She did not want to live a farce anymore. She no longer wanted to share her husband with other women and she most certainly did not want to be scourged by her fears any longer.

"And what is it that Henry wants?"
"He wants his old Catherine back. The woman he fell in love with. But I don't know if she still exists." Her words held a sadness that irritated even herself.
"Did he say so?"

Catherine sighed and massaged her temples that were throbbing horribly after her previous fit of weeping.
"No, of course not. But he wants a revive our relationship."
"And this is only possible with the old Catherine? The Catherine before the rape?" Doris asked, causing Henry's wife to shake her head in confusion.
"I don't know if I have the strenght to revive our marriage," she whispered wearily.

"But do you want it?" Doris looked her straight in the eye. "Do you love Henry?"

It wasn't the first time her therapist asked her this question and she had always answered in the affirmative. But before Catherine could react, Doris raised her hand and placed it gently on her patient's knee.
"Think about it before you answer, Catherine. The question is not whether you love him because it has become a habit or because you may feel obliged to do so. Also not to ease your consciences or because it's what you're supposed to do because you're his wife. The question is: Do you love Henry for he still moves something deep inside you and you can not imagine a life without him? Because there is still something very special between the two of you?"

The seriousness of this question threatened to crush her and yet Catherine knew that there was only one possible answer.
"Yes" And though she only spoke softly, this single little word had the strength of a force of nature. Just like Henry. At that thought she gave her therapist a tentative smile.
"And here you have your answer. Allow yourself to embark on it. Allow your feelings to resurface and try to trust Henry. Accept the past and focus on your future. With your husband. With your family.
Something terrible has happened to you. But it has also made you the person you are today. A successful businesswoman whose hourly wage is probably higher than my weekly earnings. Be proud of what you have achieved and brave enough to change what you can not live with anymore."

"You make it sounds so easy," Catherine sighed and she caught herself wishing for all these things.
"Oh no, it's not easy. It's a hell of a lot of work and a painful path of trial and tribulation, let's not fool ourselves."
At that moment she loved and cursed Doris' openness simultaneously. How could this woman be so positive and in the same breath absolutely daunting?
"Shouldn't you encourage me instead of being so demotivating?"
"Above all I should be honest with you. You were refusing a more in-depth therapy for quite a while now and you didn't want to hear the truth. But let me tell you something else: you are a strong woman. One who can master everything if she just sets her mind on it. You just have to believe it."

"Oh how I wish I could do that. But right now I do not even know where to start," Catherine admitted, playing self-forgotten with her wedding band.
"With yourself, Catherine. Do something for you. Treat yourself and start prioritizing your own needs. Involve your husband."

Involving Henry? The thought alone made Catherine shudder. Because involving him in her healing process required trust. But could she trust her husband?

Doris, not missing her inner tumult, leaned forward and reached for Catherine's hand.
"Small steps, always one foot in front of the other. Don't put yourself under too much pressure. And try to trust Henry." At this advice, Catherine gave her a tentative nod.
"I will try," her answer was not louder than a hesitant whisper while she was fighting upcoming tears again.
"This is the first step. You can do it."
Oh, how she wished to share Doris' confidence.

For the next couple of days Catherine righteously tried to follow her therapist's advice. And though she still felt uneasy and lost from time to time, for the first time in years she also felt a vague sense of confidence.

She was thinking a lot about her conversation with her therapist and also about her rape and the repressed trauma that had triggered her breakdown in the kitchen. Catherine knew that she could not undo the harm that was done to her, no matter how much she wished for it. But she could learn to accept it.

And unlike repression, her newly gained acceptance didn't leave her with this unnerving sense of helplessness. On the contrary, she felt stronger and braver than ever before. No longer like her own prisoner in a never-ending nightmare, but alive and self-determined, even if coming to terms with her experience was still painful.

As a consequence, Catherine had decelerated her daily routine. She now deliberately took more time for her children and for herself.

Her biggest insecurity remained Henry, who was still treating her with the patience of a saint. He was attentive, courteous - almost caring - but also determined in his endeavor to help her.
Since that life-changing night she felt that she couldn't elude his watchful eyes. Sometimes she even feared to suffocate under his constant care but then there were also times where she wanted to kiss and hug him for his tenderness.

Just yesterday morning he had refueled her car without her even noticing after she had mentioned the previous evening that she had to go to the gas station since the car was already running on empty. A sweet and thoughtful gesture.

But he was also attentive in other ways as well.
Henry came to her office every day - always a big grin on his face – to pick her up for lunch and he even arrived on time for their last meeting where he set a chair in place for her and brought her some coffee to everyone's astonishment.

Aside from that her husband never missed an opportunity to touch her. Whether it was a sweet kiss in the morning or his hand on her lower back when he gently guided her toward the elevator during their lunch break. Or during the evening he latterly tended to spent with her in the living room where he didn't settle in the far corner of the couch but right next to her with their bodies touching.

And as far as she could tell he was actually spending the nights in his very own bed and not with one of his countless affairs.
Catherine wondered when her rude awakening would catch up on her.

She however did not share this thought neither with Henry nor with her therapist who would certainly reprimand her for being a merchant of doom.

My dear readers, thank you for your kind reviews. This fills my heart with joy. I feel that I have to apologize for making myself scarce right now. But my job is awfully stressful right now with long working hours. This leaves less time for writing and sometimes I'm just feeling kind of braindead. Better times will come – hopefully. But I'm still working on my WIPs and there are actually 2 new stories in the loop. It just takes time.

Thanks for your patience.

I would like to add that I am not a therapist and that the conversation between Doris and Catherine has been written without psychological knowledge.

Kisses and hugs for all of you!