Sirius didn't want to wake up. He wanted to stay asleep. Not because it was nice but because when he was asleep he didn't have to face reality. Everyone outside celebrated. Good for them, at least they had something to celebrate, Voldemort being dead and all, and there won't be any more Death Eaters. Maybe that will be the end for killing on behalf of blood status.

Harry Potter was everyone's hero, who cares that he was a baby, but no one thought about where he was right now, not even Sirius. Sirius convinced himself that he was unable to take care of Harry and good chances are he was right. He was so broken, most of his pieces were in the world of the dead and the little child didn't need a broken man for a parent.

After a day and a half of mostly sleeping, an owl came. Well, it wasn't the first owl to come, yesterday an owl from Hogwarts came and there was one from the ministry and another one that Sirius didn't recognize, but this owl was different. It was a proud and big silver owl that didn't leave Sirius until he started reading the letter, and even after that, the owl didn't go back.

It was Andy's owl, Sirius knew it. The owl was clearly from someone within the Black family, and it couldn't be from his mother (who didn't even invite him for his own brother's funeral), nor from Bella or Cissy. Sirius didn't want anyone in his life right now, but if he would let someone in it would be Andy.

He started reading the letter.

"Dear cousin Sirius,

I know for a fact that you forgot it, but today is November 3rd"

He did not know what was the date until he read it, but why was it important?

"And it is your birthday, you are 22."

Damn it. why was he allowed to become 22 when James, Lily and Peter will never be? He never did like his birthday, but that was the worst he ever felt about it.

"In case you didn't know, the funeral for the Potters will take place on Saturday the 7th in Godric's Hollow, you should be there."

Sirius didn't know if he needed to thank Andy or shout at her. He wouldn't know when was the funeral if she wouldn't have told him, but she wasn't in charge of him and she couldn't tell him what to do.

"I am very sorry for your loss, most people, even their friends, will see the Potter's death as the thing that ended the war, and from their point of view, as terrible as it is, it shouldn't be a sad thing. But you never will, they were your friends and the family you never had and you will never think for a second that their death was worth ending the war."

He thanked the world for having Andy as a cousin; she was the only family he had left, and although they weren't very close in the last few years, she still understood him well.

"you're invited"

The word 'invited' was erased with a line and instead was written, in a messy handwriting "going"

"To join us on the winter holidays, you are not going to spend the holiday all by yourself and we want you to meet Nymphadora properly, you two haven't met in a long time."

Why would she be inviting him to Christmas now? Christmas was almost two months away, and again, Andy, or even Ted, can't tell him what to do. But he wouldn't decline the invitation (if it even was an invitation). He wanted to meet Nymphadora (This name is too long for a little girl, I need to find a good nickname for her he thought) again, he only met her once or twice and she sure has grown up since then.

"Your cousin, Andromeda Tonks."

Sirius didn't want to return an answer right now, if it was his choice he would go back to sleep right now and only send an answer sometimes later with his own owl, Elvendork (although he would probably be caught in grief again and won't do it). But Andy's owl was sooooooooo annoying and it wouldn't get back to the Tonks's until Sirius wrote a response, so after Sirius went to feed Elvendork and Andy's owl (Elvendork wasn't very happy with Sirius, the last time he was fed was two days before), he started writing his response.

"Dear Andy, (and Ted, if you're reading it too,)

Thank you for your letter, and for informing me about the funeral.

Also, thank you for your honest condolence.

I would be happy to be with you on the holidays, it wouldn't be the same without everyone, and I would love to see Nymphadora again.

But you two are not my parents (and I don't think you'd want to be them) so you have no right over me and can't tell me what to do,

Your cousin Sirius."

Sirius didn't write in his usual funny tone, he was so mentally drained and it made him return to his childhood teachings and to be formal. Deep down, he was still that little frightened boy whose parents hated him, and now he couldn't escape the boy anymore. He didn't have his sarcasm, nor his friends to help him get away from him. It scared Sirius, he ran from that boy for all those years, and now he had nowhere left to run to, he couldn't shield himself anymore.

Sirius couldn't handle this feeling, he tied the letter to Andy's owl, sent it away and went to sleep, hoping for a little comfort.

Sirius dreamt.

The first dream he had since that night.

It wasn't a good dream, even though it started as one.

The dream started with a pack of animals; a proud deer, a funny dog, a smart wolf and a shy rat. All of the animals were playing together and having fun. The animals were always together, they were laughing together, they were helping each other, they never let the others be alone. They were young and happy.

But as the dream went by, it changed. At first, it was only a slight change, the animals weren't together as much, each of them had his own problems and they didn't have the time to help each other that much anymore. But then it became worse, the stag, the wolf and the rat had responsibilities, but the dog didn't have anything to do. He tried to be with the others and help them, but they all were too busy, and even though they wanted, they didn't have the time to be with the dog, and he started feeling lonely. And then they were all gone, and the dog was told the wolf chased the other two away, and that none of the three will ever come back.

As the dog became lonelier and lonelier, the dream darkened more and more, and in the end, the only thing that was seen was a big and scary shadow of a wolf.

The only thing Remus Lupin could think about in his first days in Azkaban was how guilty he was. Most people, if they saw things from his perspective, would say that he was not guilty at all. He had very good reasons for everything he did and all his choices were completely sensible, but he didn't care.

It was all his fault, exactly like Peter said. How could he indeed, it was Lily and James, and he was the one responsible for the fact that both of them were dead. And Sirius, oh fuck, Remus was sure that as soon as he was aware of what happened, Sirius would never leave his bed, he knew that the man couldn't deal with that level of loneliness. Sirius wasn't himself when he was alone, and Remus prayed with all his will that there will be someone there to help Sirius. He thought about Harry too of course, and he was hoping so hard that someone would find suitable guardians for him, the little boy had been through too much already. He didn't know who could take him in, they planned it, of course, and Sirius was always the first option, but Remus knew that in the state Sirius probably was in, he was not able to take care of a child.

Remus knew Sirius very well, and the man needed others so much, but he wasn't able to say it. In some ways, Remus was the same, before Remus came to Hogwarts all he wanted was a friend, and his prayer was answered. He had the best friends that anyone could wish for, they learned very dangerous and complicated magic just to help him and were always so supportive in any way possible. But in the last few months, they became distant; James had Lily and Harry to take care of and that awful prophecy that would keep him awake at night, Peter had… who knows what, he was probably a Death-Eater by then, and Remus had missions from the order. His missions were with the werewolf packs, mostly around the full but not just then, and although most of the werewolves weren't bad people, they still killed people in the full because they weren't able to control themselves, and that scared Remus very much.

But it didn't matter anymore, did it? He was in Azkaban now, and there was no one to kill here. The full was in a week and Remus didn't have a tiny bit of idea what would happen then, but that was his life now, and he told himself that he had to learn to live like this.